Shinigami Women's Secret Society
by Kell-D
Summary: Rangiku and Yoruichi find themselves bored and in need of excitement after the war. Thus the Shinigami Women's Secret Society was born. Pure Crack and Smut. Multiple Pairings
1. Boredom

**When you drink…you have strange ideas and this is one of them. This is nothing but pure Smut and Crack and I would like to sincerely apologize to everyone who is not as ignorant as me. But for those who ARE *wink* please enjoy.**

**Rated M for the three L's, Language, Lemons, and Lasagna…ok just Language and Lemons but you have been warned. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. All characters belong to Tite Kubo. I'm just making them do naughty things. HA**

**-o0o-**

**Chapter 1: Boredom**

Top Secret

You have been chosen to be a member of the Shinigami Women's Secret Society (SWSS). Not to be confused with the Shinigami Women's Association.

This invitation is for your eyes only and I must implore you to keep it a secret. The details of this Society will be disclosed at the first meeting which will be held one week from today at 10:00pm. If you accept this invitation (and you better) please come by Matsumoto Rangiku's room where you will be told where to report.

Matsumoto Rangiku, President

Shihoin Yoruichi, Vice President

**-o0o-**

Rangiku was so excited for tonight's meeting. She couldn't believe that everyone that had been invited had accepted. Well actually she could believe it because Yoruichi had threatened to kill whoever didn't. Of course she was joking, but better safe than sorry. Everything was all set. Kukaku and Yoruichi confirmed that the room underneath of the Shihoin compound was ready for their first meeting. Seeing everyone's faces after they found out what this 'Secret Society' was all about would be priceless.

The idea had actually come from Yoruichi. Well she didn't actually have the idea. It was something she'd said while she was out drinking one night with Rangiku. Things had gotten horribly dull since the end of the war. Besides the occasional low level hollow there was absolutely nothing to do but paperwork, much to Rangiku's dismay. Things had the potential to get very interesting with the Visored and the four Espada that had betrayed Aizen now being a part of the Gotei 13. Although they had proven themselves to be relatively trustworthy, Head Captain Yamamoto didn't trust them enough to make any of them captains. Grimmjow had been placed in the most obvious place which was squad eleven. Between him and Ikkaku, Kenpachi got to fight as much as he wanted. Ulquiorra was made Captain Kuchiki's lieutenant after Renji was promoted to captain of Squad three…as if squad six wasn't already yummy enough. Urahara Kisuke was made captain of squad 5 with Ichigo as his lieutenant. Momo had been moved to Squad four. Yoruichi was made captain of squad seven and Neliel her lieutenant since both captain Komamura and his lieutenant were killed in battle. The former Primera Espada, Coyote Starrk, was made the lieutenant of squad nine and Shuhei was promoted to Captain since he'd basically been running the division since Captain Tosen left anyway. Shuhei was still basically on his own since Starrk spent most of his time slacking off with Captain Kyoraku. It was scary how alike those two are even down to being devilishly good looking.

_Three weeks ago…_

Rangiku and Yoruichi were sitting in one of their favorite bars enjoying some raspberry sake while waiting for Kukaku and Nel to arrive. The four women had become extremely close in the last couple of months and it had become a weekly tradition for the beauties to meet up to drink away their frustrations and just enjoy each other's company.

"You know," slurred Rangiku, throwing an arm around Yoruichi's shoulders. "This really sucks. I can't remember the last time I had sex. It wouldn't be so bad if there weren't so many good

looking men walking around…and they're so stingy. It's just not fair."

Yoruichi giggled at her friend's slurred speech. "You don't need them…you've got me," she said hitting her chest a little harder than she meant to.

"Oh, you'll always be my favorite kitty," Rangiku replied with a wink. They both burst out laughing and fell all over each other.

"So you bitches started the party without us huh?" The inebriated pair turned to see Kukaku and Nel walking towards them.

"Of course not. We were just waiting for you two," Rangiku said jumping up to hug Nel. She knew better than to try hugging Kukaku. The head of the Shiba clan plopped down very ungracefully and began to drink straight from the bottle. The other three exchanged amused glances before Yoruichi said what they were all thinking.

"Rough day?"

Kukaku glared at her while finishing off the last drop then slammed the bottle down on the table. "Go to hell."

"I'm gonna have to say no to that request," she said smirking before ordering them another three bottles of sake.

Two hours seemed to whiz by in a matter of minutes. The four of them were quite drunk when Captain Kyoraku walked in, followed by Captain Ukitake, Captain Hisagi, Captain Urahara, Captain Abarai, Lieutenant Starrk, Lieutenant Kurosaki and Shinji. They were led to the largest booth, which was in the back corner of the bar, diagonally from where the party of busty beauties were currently trying to keep from drooling.

"Did I ever tell you how much I love tattoos?" Nel slurred dreamily.

"Oh, did you know Shinji has a tongue ring?" said Rangiku almost giddy. The other three groaned in sexual agony.

"I've had enough of this shit," Yoruichi said slamming her cup down on the table. "There are eight totally fuckable men over there and just what do you think they're doing?" She stood up and somehow managed to keep from toppling over onto Kukaku since her balance was total shit at this point. Her speech was terribly slurred, but of course her friends understood her perfectly because let's face it, drunks understand each other.

"Not us." Kukaku complained.

"That's right!" Yoruichi took another sip of her sake before continuing her 'motivational speech'. "They're…th…they're just…just sitting over there being all sexy and…and totally ignoring the needs of others. Everyone likes cats and…and boobs and fireworks and…and…and bone hats," she said flinging her hand at each of her counterparts as she named their uh…better qualities.

"Yeah," Rangiku yelled throwing her fist in the air.

"Shhhh," said Nel spitting all over the others. "Do you want everyone to hear?"

"I don't care. Fuck everybody in here with ears," Kukaku yelled at the top of her lungs. The bar fell silent and all eyes were on the table of lovely, albeit drunk, Shinigami.

"Has anyone ever noticed that Rukia's hair looks like a squid?" whispered Nel to the group, trying not to interrupt the sudden silence.

Rangiku reached up, grabbed Yoruichi's wrist, and yanked her down, which wasn't too difficult since she was just barely able to stand anyway. She fell face first into Rangiku's bountiful bosom almost smothering herself to death, causing an eruption of laughter from Kukaku. Once she escaped the killer boobs and caught her breath, her face became very grave causing her friends to get serious as well…or as serious as they could manage under the circumstances. They were all on the edge of their seats waiting for her to say something. The corners of her mouth started to curl up in a way that the other three knew meant she was definitely up to something, but before any of them could open their mouths Yoruichi said, "Be right back," then disappeared.

All of a sudden there was a loud commotion across the bar. Before the ladies could turn to see what all the noise was about Yoruichi returned with a shit eating grin on her face.

"If we want something…we should take it," she said with a shrug of her shoulders. The four women turned their attention to the large table of men in the corner of the bar with all the tops ripped from their bodies. They blocked out the yelling and cursing of Renji and Ichigo and just enjoyed the view.

"Good thing they weren't in uniform. I wouldn't have wanted their Captains haori to have been destroyed," said Rangiku. They all looked at her in disgust. What a horrible time to think logically. "I would have hated for the Head Captain to burn their gorgeous bodies to ash. He's so fussy about those kinds of things," she finished.

They nodded in agreement and returned their attention to the table of confused men.

"Flash Goddess indeed," said Kukaku as she waved the waiter over to order another round.

The next couple of days all Rangiku could think about was what Yoruichi said that night, which she was surprised she remembered any of. _'If we want something we should take it.'_ She was right. They had spent too much time moping around feeling sorry for themselves. They deserved to have a little fun and thus the Shinigami Women's Secret Society was born.

_Present day…_

About an hour before the meeting was scheduled to start, Rangiku met Yoruichi at the Shihoin compound to prepare for everyone's arrival. Tonight would just be an orientation of sorts, so everyone would know what they were getting themselves into. Yoruichi had gotten gifts for all the ladies that would be presented to them after they took their oath. They also had a nice layout of refreshments and sake, which both ladies had already begun to partake of. Right as Rangiku was setting up the last chair there was a knock at the door. She squealed with excitement and yelled, "What's the password?"

"I refuse to say that word Rangiku, now let me in." It was Nanao. Punctual as always.

Rangiku slid open the small window on the door exposing only her eyes. "If you don't want Yoruichi after you I suggest you give me the password."

Nanao glared at the grinning blonde. "I won't do it."

"You won't do what?" came a voice from behind the bespectacled lieutenant. The raven-haired woman turned to see Kukaku walking up behind her with Nel in tow.

"Password," Rangiku asked again.

"Penis," Kukaku said in her loud voice as if it were the most normal thing in the world to say.

"Penis," repeated Nel happily.

Nanao gave the head of the Shiba clan a look of utter horror. "Oh don't be such a prude just say it so we can get this party started," she said with a mischievous smirk.

Rangiku opened the door to let the ladies in but quickly blocked the door with her body when Nanao tried to follow after Nel. She huffed and folded her arms over her chest as the busty woman cocked an eyebrow at her.

"Penis," she said under her breath.

"See, now was that so hard," asked Rangiku back to her jovial mood as she yanked the smaller woman inside.

As they made themselves comfortable Yoruichi let herself in through the trap door on the floor of her bedroom in the main house. There were two entrances to their secret meeting spot. The first was the door Yoruichi had just used and the second was the main entrance, which was only accessible by going through the sewer system.

It wasn't long before everyone arrived and had taken a seat. Yoruichi and Rangiku were standing in the front corner of the room laughing at the look on Nanao's face as she eyed the cup that she had been given with a pink penis shaped straw sticking out of it. They decided it was time to get started so Yoruichi stood in front of the group and called the meeting to order.

"Welcome to the first meeting of the Shinigami Women's Secret Society. I'm glad you all could join us." Before she could continue she noticed a raised in hand in the group. "Yes Orihime."

"Um, I'm sorry for interrupting but, how can I be in your society if I'm not a shinigami?" she asked sweetly.

Everyone looked to Yoruichi and waited for the answer.

"Because I said so," she answered calmly. "Anything else before we get started?" she asked looking around the room.

"How is this different from the Shinigami Women's Association?" Isane asked politely.

"I'm sure everyone is wondering that same thing so let's get started shall we."

Yoruichi moved off to the side to take her seat while Rangiku stepped in front of the group of terribly confused women.

"Hi everyone," she said obviously excited. I'm glad everyone could come. I'm going to pass this paper around and I need everyone to sign in," she said waving a piece of paper in the air before handing it to Yoruichi. "Ok now, the Shinigami Women's Secret Society will be devoted to getting every single one of you getting laid."

"What!" Rukia screeched. There was a collective gasp from around the room. Every mouth was hanging open, except for Kukaku's, who just shrugged her shoulders as she wrapped her lips around her penis straw. Nel slapped her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing her ass off. While that hadn't been what she was expecting Rangiku to say, she couldn't really say that she was surprised. Yoruichi could see that Nanao, Sui Feng and Rukia were on the verge of bolting out and tried to keep her smirk hidden. Could they be any more up tight?

"Is this a joke," asked Isane, praying that it was.

"Oh I assure you, I'm very serious. I'm sure we can all agree that there are some very handsome men in the Seireitei. I'm sure we can also agree that there has been a serious lack of excitement around here lately. We need an outlet, and this is perfect. We can have some fun and get rid of some of our…uhh…frustration."

Nanao stood up abruptly, obviously unable to listen to anymore of Rangiku's nonsense, but before she could say anything Yoruichi was on her feet as well.

"Going somewhere?" Yoruichi asked her calmly. Nanao swallowed hard and pushed her glasses further up on the bridge on her nose.

"You can't really expect us to participate in your sick little society," she said looking around at the group for support.

The only person in the room who would or could stand up to Captain Shihoin, the Goddess of Flash, was Captain Unohana. All eyes looked to her as if the fate of the Soul Society rested on her shoulders. She looked around the room with the same gentle smile she always had plastered on her face. She stood up slowly and looked Yoruichi directly in the eyes.

"We are all adults here," she started. "It has been proven that sex is not only enjoyable, but it relieves stress and can help boost immunity to disease. In my opinion this could be a good opportunity to emotionally rebuild. We've all had a trying last couple of years and it definitely couldn't hurt to build some trust with all the new additions to our numbers. It might even help with your dreams," she said turning to face her lieutenant causing the amazon to turn a bright red.

Yoruichi stood there with a satisfied smirk on her face as Captain Unohana shot her a quick wink. She knew they would have problems with acceptance from some of the ladies so she approached the Captain earlier in the week with a proposition. She assured her that she could pick whoever she wanted when it was her turn, in exchange for her approval of the group. No one in their right mind would question anything she said.

"Ok, well I guess that's that," said Rangiku as everyone settled back in their seats. "Now let me explain how this is gonna work. We will meet once a week and each week we'll have a different theme and Captain Yoruichi or I will teach a sort of lesson based on that theme. At the conclusion of the lesson one of you will be chosen to carry out a task pertaining to the lesson that was taught. We will go in order of the sign-in sheet that was passed around so it will not be at random. However, the names of the men will be chosen at random."

"What men?" blurted Sui Feng interrupting Rangiku.

"We have chosen various men throughout the Seireitei to be involved in our little escapades. Of course they don't know they've been chosen so as I said before it is imperative you keep everything we do a secret. Ok, now on to the fun part."

"What…A huge orgy?" Sui Feng said under her breath.

"No. That won't be until much later," Rangiku said sarcastically knowing Sui Feng would take her absolutely serious.

"It's time for everyone to take their oath. There's no turning back after this." As if they had a choice anyway. "When I call your name please come and stand before me," Rangiku said using her very rarely heard 'all business' voice.

Rangiku looked to Yoruichi who stood beside her and passed her small jewelry box. Rangiku read the name on the box. "Captain Unohana." The Captain rose gracefully from her seat and stood in front of the President and Vice President of their Secret Society.

"Please raise your pinkies." said Rangiku.

Captain Unohana found this to be odd, but with these two she should not have been surprised. She balled her hands into fists and stuck her pinkies out. They were immediately locked with Yoruichi and Rangiku's. She really thought a simple raise of the right hand would have sufficed, but this was not her group, it was theirs.

"Now repeat after me." Unohana nodded.

"I (name) do solemnly swear to keep all intimate details of this group confidential. I am not a prude and I swear to throw all closed mindedness by the wayside. I will try, to the best of my ability, to complete every task that I am given without question. I also swear to take part in the drunken debauchery that is bound to occur at least once every week. I will treat every member of this group with respect and will regard them as sisters. I promise to allow myself to be made over without a fight if the group deems it necessary, and if at anytime I break these promises may I die a slow and painful death by the hands of Captain Yourichi, or be tortured until I scream bloody murder."

Captain Unohana fought the urge to laugh after repeating the absolutely ridiculous pledge, but was somehow able to hold it together. Yoruichi and Rangiku leaned forward and graced Captain Unohona's cheeks with a kiss. Yoruichi took the left side and Rangiku the right. They released her hands so Rangiku could present her with whatever was inside of the box. She opened the box and pulled out a white gold necklace that said _'Serene'_. Captain Unohana turned facing the others so the necklace could be put on her. She turned back to the two women placing her hand over the necklace and gave a small bow before heading back to her seat. The ceremony was certainly unique, but she thought it was sweet how much effort they had obviously put into all of it, even going as far as getting them all gifts.

They repeated this for each of the women present before facing each other and reciting the oath together, with pinkies locked. After reciting the oath they leaned forward placing a lingering kiss on each other's lips. When they broke the kiss they grinned at each other and turned to face the astonished faces of almost everyone else in the room.

"We're all sisters now," Rangiku yelled with her hands in the air. "Now let's break for a couple minutes before getting down to the nitty gritty. Drink up everyone!"

**-o0o-**

Here is a list of the members of the SWSS and the gifts they received:

**Matsumoto Rangiku** – White gold two finger ring that says 'Sexy'  
><strong>Shihoin Yoruichi<strong> – Gold two finger ring that says 'Tease'  
><strong>Shiba Kukaku<strong> – White gold bracelet that says 'Bitch'  
><strong>Ise Nanao<strong> – Gold necklace that says 'Fearless'  
><strong>Kurotsuchi Nemu<strong> – Black choker with a white gold charm that says 'Rebel'  
><strong>Kuchiki Rukia<strong> – Gold bracelet that says 'Bossy'  
><strong>Hinamori Momo<strong> – White gold necklace that says 'Passion'  
><strong>Nelliel Tu Odelschwanck<strong> – White gold necklace that says 'Bubbles'  
><strong>Unohana Retsu<strong> – White gold necklace that says 'Serene'  
><strong>Kotetsu Isane<strong> – Gold ring that says 'Legs'  
><strong>Inoue Orihime<strong> – Gold necklace that says 'Sweetheart'  
><strong>Yadomaru Lisa<strong> – White gold bracelet that says 'Curious'  
><strong>Sui-Feng<strong> – White gold necklace that says 'Lethal'


	2. Getting Acquainted

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed or added this to your alerts/favorites. It only gets crazier from here so Enjoy! I think a couple of ideas for the pairing I want to do but each girl will get 2 turns, more or less. But if anyone has any prank ideas or pairing ideas just send me a note. Use your imagination…nothing obvious like ichigo/rukia or urahara/yoruichi. AS ALWAYS, I OWN NOTHING BUT THE INSANITY. **

**Chapter 2: Getting Acquainted**

**-0o0-**

"Ok, let's pick up where we left off, shall we ladies," Rangiku said after finishing up her drink.

Everyone seemed a lot more comfortable after having a couple of drinks. They were even able to convince Orihime to have one after assuring her there was no drinking age in the Soul Society. Everyone settled back in their seats as Yoruichi pulled out what appeared to be a small treasure chest.

"Now since this is the first week, we're going to start off easy," Rangiku started. "Tonight is just about mingling and getting a little more comfortable with each other. I know we all know each other but we don't really KNOW each other, so tonight's theme is _'Getting Acquainted'_. Now let's see who goes first." With a mischievous twinkle in her eye she reached for the sign-in sheet. Time seemed to slow down as everyone waited to see who would be the first one to play the twisted game. 

"Sui Feng," she announced. There was a collective gasp as all eyes turned to see the beet red face of the captain of the second division.

"Come forward and choose your fate," Yoruichi said suppressing her laughter. The tiny captain stood slowly and made her way to Yoruichi.

"Walking the mile…walking the green mile," Orihime said under her breath. Unable to hold in her laughter, Yoruichi cackled loudly. The tiny captain's eyes widened in horror before hanging her head in total embarrassment.

"Come on Sui Feng. Pick one." Yoruichi said holding the small chest out to her. Sui Feng hesitantly reached into the chest and grabbed one of the small folded pieces of paper. She stared into Yoruichi's expectant face with a look of complete desolation.

"Well, whose name did you draw?" said Rangiku impatiently.

Everyone held their breath as she slowly unfolded the paper and laid her eyes on the name.

"WHAT!" she yelled, her sadness turning into anger and then bewilderment. "No…no way."

"What's wrong?" Rangiku asked as she came to peek over her shoulder. A huge grin spread across her face as she read the name. "Ulquiorra Cifer," she said loud enough for everyone to hear.

Giggling, ooh's and ah's came from all over the room as Sui Feng crossed her arms over her small chest.

"Aww…what's the matter Sui Feng? Hoping for Kisuke maybe?" Yoruichi teased as she continued to laugh.

"Ok Sui Feng…you have one week to complete your mission…" Rangiku started as everyone listened intently while she told Sui Feng what she needed to do.

**Week 1: Sui Feng & Ulquiorra**

**Mission: Getting Acquainted – 10 questions for Ulquiorra Cifer. **

Favorite color?

Hobbies?

Do you drink sake?

Would you ever consider posing nude?

Who does your make up?

Can I touch your tattoo?

What's the biggest thing you've ever put in your hole?

What is your favorite position?

Boxers or briefs?

Do you prefer eating in or out?

**Day 1**

Sui Feng looked at the list of questions she was supposed to ask Ulquiorra, shaking her head in disbelief.

"Who the hell thought up these questions?" she grumbled. "And what the hell are boxers?" How was she going to get him to answer questions like this? This is Ulquiorra…he's basically Byakuya's clone...the Prince of Darkness. She sighed heavily and decided that she needed a plan before doing anything.

"I'll start tomorrow," she said with determination. "I won't let you down Lady Yoruichi."

**Day 2**

Sui Feng woke up with a sense of purpose. She'd finalized her plans the night before, deciding to get to her office early, get whatever work needed to be done out of the way and leave Omaeda in charge for the rest of the day. A scary thought, but she had serious matters to attend to, so she'd have to trust her lard ass of a lieutenant not to mess anything up while she was gone. The plan was to follow Lieutenant Cifer around for part of the day observing his daily activities. Similar to what she'd done to Captain Urahara so many years ago. She was bound to get answers to at least some of the questions and she wouldn't even have to talk to him.

By noon she was on her way to the sixth squad barracks to find Lieutenant Cifer. She reached in her pocket to take one last glance at the questions when she literally ran into Captain Kyoraku, knocking her paper out of her hand and onto the ground. Being the gentleman that he was, the Captain bent down to retrieve the paper for her. She snatched the paper from his hand before he could even offer it back to her.

"You're welcome Captain," he said with a raised eyebrow.

With her face completely flushed, Sui Feng thanked him and tried to make her hasty get away not seem so hasty. Right when she thought she had succeeded, he began talking again. Why did he have to be so damn friendly?

"What has you in such a rush?" he asked.

"Oh, I needed to speak with Lieutenant Cifer about something. Nothing serious," she said trying not to sound as flustered as she actually was. Why wouldn't he just go away? Where was Nanao when you needed her? She would know what was going on and could run interference. But she would have no such luck. Frustrated and annoyed she began to walk away, completely ignoring the captain who smelled strongly of plum sake.

"Ah Lieutenant Cifer," Shunsui yelled, waving him over. Sui Feng froze in her tracks…she thought about high tailing it out of there. But as that would have raised more questions about her already suspicious behavior, she turned to face the approaching former Espada.

"The Captain was just leaving to seek you out, and here you are."

Sui Feng cut her eyes at the eccentric Captain and wanted to slap that stupid smirk right off his damn face. Of course she would never do such a thing but the thought made her smile…on the inside of course…because smiling is for idiots, unless of course it's Captain Yoruichi who's doing the smiling.

"You needed to speak with me?" said a smooth baritone voice that gave Sui Feng a slight chill. She hadn't even noticed that Captain Kyoraku had gone leaving her alone with the Arrancar. Hands in his pockets, expression as cold as ever, he awaited her response. _'No turning back now,'_ she thought.

"Yes I wanted to discuss some battle tactics with you," she said thinking quickly.

His expression was unreadable…as always. Was he crying or what?

She continued, "Not now…I have other things to attend to, but tomorrow, over a drink perhaps?" As soon as the words left her mouth she wanted to slap herself. She hadn't meant it to sound like she was asking him out, well she was asking him out but not OUT...on like a date. To make matters worse he continued to just stare at her with those abnormally large green eyes, face unchanged. Hours seemed to pass as they stood there in total silence. She was about to just tell him to forget it and be on her way when he finally decided to reply.

"That would be acceptable." Then he turned and seemed to glide away.

She rolled her eyes _'and I thought Captain Kuchiki was bad'_…her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of ridiculously loud cackling. She knew that laugh anywhere. She turned, "Lady Yoruichi," she said with wide eyes.

The golden eyed captain kept laughing, slapping Sui Feng on the shoulder. The smaller woman's brows furrowed in frustration and she folded her arms across her chest, pouting.

"Drop the "Lady" Sui Feng," Yoruichi finally said still smiling wide. "How's your mission coming along," she said in a low voice.

"Fine La…I mean Captain Yoruichi. I won't let you down."

Yoruichi stared at Sui Feng blankly for a moment before another fit of laughter hit her. "The only thing I want you to do is loosen up and have some fun." Then all of a sudden the smile dropped from her face, she was close enough to kiss Sui Feng. The second squad captain swallowed hard trying not to seem afraid. "But if you don't complete your mission you know there will be consequences?" She let that sink before she backed away and let the smile return to her face.

"See ya," she said before slapping Sui Feng in the back, knocking her forward, and disappearing.

Yoruichi reappeared beside Rangiku who had been watching the whole thing. "I think Captain Kuchiki is right," she said giggling. "You are a demon cat."

"I was just giving her motivation."

**Day 3**

Sui Feng eyed the list of questions for the billionth time wondering how the hell she would get the answers without coming off like a whore. She wrote 'yes' beside question 3. He obviously drank or he wouldn't have agreed to have a drink with her. So that was one down, nine to go. She didn't have much drinking experience so she planned to keep it to a max of two drinks so she could keep her wits about her.

"Shit. I didn't even tell him where we were going, or what time. How could I have forgotten such major details?" She was disappointed in herself, but was determined for her mission to be a success. She would not let Lady Yoruichi down. She decided to leave her Captain's haori behind and tucked the outrageous list of questions in her pocket after giving it one last glance.

"I'm coming in," a voice said from the other side of the door, Lieutenant Cifer's voice to be exact. The door opened and there he was wearing his usual melancholy expression. Her lips parted to ask him who the hell told him to come in but she thought of Yoruichi's words _'Loosen up Sui Feng'_. She reluctantly closed her mouth and took a couple deep breaths to calm her herself. _'Let's just get this over with'_, she thought.

"Let's go," she said coolly before disappearing, knowing his sonido was as fast as her shunpo.

He had no problem keeping up just as she had expected. He followed her to a rather nice place somewhere outside the Seireitei. He never really explored his new home so he didn't know much about what happened outside the thick walls. Sui Feng knew many of the other Captains came here quite often so she assumed it would do.

Once they were seated by a short round man in a fairly private spot, she scanned the menu. She prayed to the Gods they wouldn't be spotted by anyone they knew. It would be easy to get the wrong idea. Ulquiorra ordered a bottle of Kokuryu Ryu, not bothering to wait for her. She wasn't sure whether he was being a gentleman and ordering for both of them, or being rude. It didn't really matter since they weren't on a date. The waiter returned with the bottle a few minutes later.

"Can I get anything else for you?" the waiter asked with a smile as he poured them both drinks.

The Lieutenant looked to Sui Feng. "No, that will be all," she said not even bothering to look at the beaming waiter. He turned on his heels and left them to enjoy each other's company.

An hour later Sui Feng knew all about Ulquiorra's second resurrección form and his eye's odd ability. While the latter gave her a couple of ideas about future reconnaissance missions, she was no closer to completing her mission. She was still babysitting her first cup while she had lost count of how many he'd had.

"Is the sake not to your liking?" he asked after finishing up what was most likely his seventh or eighth cup.

"Are you implying that I can't hold my liquor?" she asked accusingly. "I can drink just as much as you. I'm immune to most poisons…a little sake can't hurt me."

While Ulquiorra hadn't meant to imply any of what she'd just said, he remained silent. What the hell was wrong with this woman? He glanced around the bar, his face actually reflecting how he felt…BORED. Why had the itty bitty Captain invited him for drinks? She hadn't mentioned anything resembling a battle tactic despite that being the reason she requested his company. Then he had a brilliant idea…well maybe not brilliant, but it was sure to provide entertainment for however long she planned on holding him hostage.

"Well," he said pouring himself another cup, "That's good to know." He took his drink in one shot, making sure to keep eye contact with her, and placed the empty cup gently back down on the table.

Not to be outdone, she picked up her glass and finished it in one gulp as well. He smiled inwardly as her face screwed up…no doubt caused by the burning in her chest, and poured her another. _'This was going to be almost too easy'_ he thought to himself. Of course his face remained completely blank. He wouldn't want anyone to suspect that he actually had emotions. It would take the fun out of everything.

When he was first assigned to the sixth division he thought he had been chosen at random, but after spending a few weeks with Captain Kuchiki he realized it was because the whole Seireitei thought them emotionless bastards. Sometimes they would say outrageous things just to see the reactions they would get. Of course the hard part was trying to maintain their uninterested façade. The only time he ever lost was the time Captain Kuchiki said he used Senbonzakura to cut his hair. He had tried so hard not to laugh that he was sure he had injured himself and was sent to the fourth division by his captain.

Now all he had to do was wait. If she insisted on going shot for shot with him, fine. That was a battle he was certain he would not lose. After her fifth drink he could see her slowly losing her poise. She was having trouble sitting up straight and her eyes seemed to only be half open.

"Why did you—," he began before the Captain cut him off. "What's your favorite color Lieutenant?" she asked in her serious captain voice.

'_That was random,'_ he thought before answering. "In battle?" He desperately wished he had the facial freedoms of normal people but of course his Captain held him to a higher standard so stone faced he would remain.

"Of course," she said annoyed.

'_Don't laugh…don't laugh…don't laugh,'_ he repeated over and over in his head. "Red," he replied sounding as threatening as he could.

'_Ok that's two,'_ she thought.

"What's your favorite position…?" Ulquiorra almost spit his drink all over her face. "In battle," she said as an afterthought. Gods he wished his captain was here. He picked up the bottle and poured her another drink, then himself. This was getting seriously interesting. He thought for a moment on the question then smiled…inside.

"I don't mind the position so much as long as I get to release…" Sui Fengs eyes became as big as saucers. "My resurrección of course," he continued.

Sui Feng picked up her drink, and just as she had before, took it in one gulp. As she placed her cup down she realized that everything seemed to be moving a little slower than before. She started to panic, but then she remembered that she was Sui Feng and panicking wasn't something she did. Ulquiorra had obviously poisoned her. She would have to bide her time and catch him when he least expected an attack.

She looked across the table at the Arrancar who was enjoying his hundredth drink. Gods, were his insides made of steel or what? She watched his Adam 's apple move slowly as he drank. Why did everything he did all of a sudden seem so alluring? He placed his cup down on the table and slowly licked his lips. She could feel the anger building up inside of her. He was mocking her…the bastard, first he poisoned her, now he was moving in slow motion, probably trying to throw off her sensory perception. He was a sly one.

Ulquiorra noticed her strange look and decided he had had enough fun to last him for quite some time. He couldn't just leave her in the condition she was in, so he decided to do the gentlemanly thing and at least escort her to the second division barracks. He paid their bill and they left with her eyeing him warily. Knowing she wouldn't be able to use her shunpo in her condition, he was forced to walk side by side with the obviously crazy, miniature Captain. In their silence he amazingly forgot all about her as she had fallen slightly behind. Not feeling the need to wait for her, he kept a steady pace making sure not to get too far ahead so he could still keep an eye on her.

He gazed into the night sky; it reminded him of the time before Gin, Tosen and Aizen. He let out a deep sigh. He had come a long way from the vast sandy nothing that was Hueco Mundo. As much as he and the others hated shinigami, here they were working with them. To be honest, he was more comfortable with it than he thought he would be. Of course he was still wary of them all but there were a few of them that weren't so bad. Present company excluded.

Not too far behind, an inebriated Sui Feng watched as the Lieutenant walked along leisurely, seemingly unaware of his surroundings. She knew this was her chance. In a flash she was barreling into Ulquiorra's back like a freight train with a blood curdling battle cry. He yanked his hands out of his pockets so he could break his fall. Had she lost her mind? He tried to understand what she was saying, but all he could make out was something about poison and slow motion. She must not have really wanted to hurt him because, drunk or not, she was the Captain of the second division and the Commander-in-Chief of the Onmitsukidō. If she wanted to harm him, he had no doubt that she would. She did seem rather angry about something though. He tried to free himself from her death grip, which reminded him a lot of Nel, but only succeeded in making it off his stomach and onto his back. His jacket had almost completely opened from rolling around on the ground like a heathen. He glanced around to make sure no one was around to see his current predicament.

Captain Sui Feng was straddling the green-eyed Lieutenant's waist and her arms where locked behind his back. He could only imagine how this would look to someone else. He tried to push up on his elbows when the captain spoke in a serious tone.

"Don't move you bastard. You think I don't know what you've done?" Ulquiorra stared at her blankly. "You will pay for your treachery." She sat up straight, releasing him from her vice grip, and put her arm straight out. Ulquiorra's eyes became wide. "Sting all enemies to—," she stopped abruptly. "Can I touch that?"

Ulquiorra froze. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? He hadn't had a chance to react he was so shocked, but he was almost certain that she had just attempted to assassinate him.

"Can you touch what?" he asked, not bothering to hide his exasperation.

"That," she said as she ripped his jacket open the rest of the way. Her small fingers repeatedly traced the number that was on his left side of his chest, making him stiffen…in more ways than one. He pushed her off of him almost effortlessly and stood up, dusting himself off. He looked a sight, but at least his hakama were still secure. Sui Feng looked up at the Arrancar, noticing for the first time how muscular he was. She had always assumed he was just a skinny little weirdo, but seeing him with his jacket hanging open and that tattoo on his chest, he looked downright…sexy?

Something suddenly began to come over her. She didn't know what it was since it wasn't a familiar feeling, but decided to go with her instincts. They had never steered her wrong in the past. She stood up so gracefully, no one would ever have suspected she was drunk.

"Lieutenant Cifer." she purred. "Would you ever consider posing nude?" she asked with a seductive smirk.

"In battle?" he asked, his voice going up an octave. He was trying desperately to keep his cool, but she was making it hard…err…difficult…well hard too.

"No, not in battle, don't be stupid," she said appraising his body. "You have a very impressive physique," she said not bothering to look at his face.

"I'd never considered—." She cut him off with a wave of her hand.

"Let me ask you Lieutenant, what do you wear under those hakama?"

"Nothing," he said flatly. He wasn't sure what she was playing at, but he would not allow her to get the upper hand in whatever it was.

A mischievous smile appeared on her face after hearing his answer. She took the two steps it took to close the distance between them. Ulquiorra resisted the urge to take a step back. She reached up placing her hand on his cheek and trailed her thumb down the green tear-like mark. His skin was cool and extremely soft for a man. He was definitely NOT wearing make-up. _'Interesting,'_ she thought. Ulquiorra reached up and gently grabbed her wrist pulling her hand away from his face. He stared at her intently. She seemed in control and very aware of what she was doing, but this wasn't like her at all. Then again who was he to say what was like her and what wasn't? He barely knew her at all.

She snatched her hand away from him and began to walk away as if nothing had just happened. Ulquiorra followed silently, but then she stopped and turned to him.

"Lieutenant what do you do in your spare time," she asked calculating in her head how many questions remained on her list.

"The usual…eat, drink, avoid assassination attempts, get molested…you know," he replied casually pushing his hands in his pockets.

"So you enjoy eating out?" she questioned him.

He paused for a moment, looked her dead in the eyes and said, "Immensely."

"Hmm, we should do this again soon Lieutenant."

"Discuss battle tactics?" he said as he looked up at the moon.

"Of course." She turned, taking a couple steps before stopping yet again and calling over her shoulder. "One more thing," she said. "In battle, what's the biggest thing you've ever put in your hole?"

He allowed himself to crack a smile since her back was turned. "Ichigo Kurosaki's sword, it is a bit on the large side, as you may or may not know, but I survived. All in all it was a rather pleasurable experience," he said. If he could have seen Sui Feng's face right then, he definitely would have lost the game with Captain Kuchiki. He continued, "The fight I mean. I always enjoy a battle with a worthy opponent." With that he sonidoed away, leaving a dumbfounded Sui Feng to find her way back alone.

**Day 4: Mission Complete**

Hangover!

**Next Meeting**

"Ok everyone settle down so we can turn the floor over to Captain Sui Feng," said Rangiku as she clapped her hands to get everyone's attention.

The ladies found their seats and quieted down as Sui Feng walked to the front. She whipped out a small notebook and read her findings aloud.

**Favorite color?** Red

**Hobbies?** Eating, drinking, avoiding assassination attempts, getting molested

**Do you drink sake? ** Yes

**Would you ever consider posing nude?** Maybe

**Who does your make up?** That's his face

**Can I touch your tattoo?** I did it anyway

**What's the biggest thing you've ever put in your hole? ** Ichigo Kurosaki's large sword

**What is your favorite position?** No preference, as long as he gets to release.

**Boxers or briefs? ** Neither

**Do you prefer eating in or out? ** Eating out

Ignoring the giggling and jaws on the floor, Yoruichi stepped forward.

"Good work Sui Feng," she said. The small captain's scowl was replaced by a dreamy smile as her cheeks turned a bright red. "Now," Yoruichi said yanking up a chair, "Sit down and tell us how you pulled it off." She pushed the small captain down into the chair, giving her no chance to protest and signaled for everyone to move in closer. Even though there was no chance of anyone overhearing them, since Yoruichi placed a rather strong barrier around their meeting place, the women spoke in hushed voices. Sui Feng began to tell the rather embarrassing tale of how she got the answers to the ridiculous questions.

She was visibly nervous, and still a bit irritated with the whole idea behind this so called 'Secret Society', but as she continued, she became more relaxed. This did not escape Yoruichi's notice. The women laughed at the silly parts and jaws dropped when the story became a little more…uhh…intense. Sui Feng showed no emotion as she spoke of the events of the previous night, but she no longer felt uncomfortable. She looked around at the faces of the other women, all hanging on her every word. She never really considered any of them her friends. Not even Yoruichi…she was too far above her. She was a goddess. But as she looked at their faces now it brought a smile to her face, a very tiny one, barely noticeable really, but a smile nonetheless.

"I have one question for you Sui Feng," Yoruichi said after Sui Feng finished speaking.

"What's that Lad…Captain Yoruichi?"

"Did you have fun?" All eyes turned to Sui Feng.

Her first reaction was to blurt 'NO', but she took a moment to think. The beginning of the night had been horrible. Then she had accused Lieutenant Cifer of poisoning her when she was actually just drunk. She didn't even want to think about what he thought of her now, and was a little surprised to find that she actually cared. She thought of the feeling she got when she saw Ulquiorra with his jacket torn open, and the courage that seemingly came from nowhere. He had showed more emotion in that one night than she had seen the whole time he'd been in the Soul Society…not to mention the bulging erection he had tried to hide from her. Knowing that she had been able to affect him that way gave her a strange satisfaction.

"It was…exciting," she said simply as a smile spread across her face that was usually only reserved for Yoruichi.

All the women cheered and laughed knowingly as Rangiku stood to start the lesson for the next week.

**Love it? Hate it? Let me know.**

**Whose turn is it next? The suspense is killing me. Not really I already know *sinister laugh***


	3. Etiquette

**Thanks to everyone that reviewed or added this story to your favorites/alerts. You guys keep me going. I'm glad you all are getting a kick out of this. I know I am. Thanks to ElfishScallywag, it's very possible there will be a Ruki/Ichi mission…I can't get it out of my head now. I'm not completely sure yet because I'd already paired her with someone more…interesting, but we'll see since everyone will most likely get two turns. **

**Disclaimer: I own Nothing **

**Chapter 3: Etiquette**

**-o0o-**

Rangiku stood in front of the group, waiting for everyone to settle down. She was very pleased with how the first week had gone. With Sui Feng being the first to go she had definitely had her doubts, but everything seemed to work out. The mission had actually seemed to loosen Sui Feng up, much to Yoruichi's pleasure. She laughed to herself thinking of poor Lieutenant Cifer.

"Ok listen up everyone, Kukaku is next, so settle down so she can come up and pick a name."

Rangiku looked around the room and couldn't help but feel proud. Not a single hand was empty…her baby drunks. She smiled as Kukaku came to stand in front of her with an impatient look. Yoruichi walked over with the small chest in hand, shaking it slightly to mix up the names.

"If this isn't someone good, someone's gonna die." Kukaku reached her hand into the chest grabbing the first paper her fingers touched. As soon as she saw the name on the paper she threw the paper at Yoruichi's face. "I hate you," she said as she went back to her seat. All eyes went to Yoruichi as she picked up the small sheet of paper and read the name to herself. There was a moment of silence as everyone waited to hear the name that was drawn. It was soon broken by Yoruichi's loud cackle.

"Yumichika," she finally said aloud continuing to laugh.

Kukaku just sat and glared around the room. She dared anyone else to laugh.

**Week 2: Kukaku Shiba & Yumichika Ayasegawa**

**Mission: Etiquette – Yumichika's Charm School**

**Day1**

The busty Shiba woman woke up still pissed about her mission. Rangiku and Yoruichi thought they were so funny. She'd definitely deal with them later. Bitches! Of all the men she could have picked it would be the one who didn't even like women. She punched the wall, wishing it was someone's face, as her dreams of getting laid faded into oblivion.

"Well there's only one thing a person can do in this situation," she said to herself. She stretched, reaching her hands far above her head, before sitting back on her bed deciding to do exactly that. Nothing.

**Day 2**

Kukaku thought about getting started on her mission…but then didn't. Procrastination ensued.

**Day 3**

"Fucking Yumichika," she said shaking her head. Kukaku had spent all day doing nothing and thinking about a certain eleventh division member. She wondered how he even got into the blood thirsty, battle loving division. Now Kenpachi, that's who she should have picked. Growing quite irritated with her situation, she stormed out of her house. She needed to hit someone, and she knew exactly where to go to do it.

When she arrived at the eleventh squad barracks she was met by their annoying pink haired Lieutenant who seemed to come from nowhere.

"Hi boobies number 2. You here to see Kenny?" she asked as she jumped on Kukaku's back. Kukaku grunted as the young girl grabbed her around the neck. Yuchiru didn't seem to realize that she wasn't as small as she used to be.

"So I'm boobies now huh? Last time I was bandage lady. Who's number one?"

"Who do you think? Rangiku! But, now that I think about it maybe you should be number three because Nel's got some pretty big boobies too…oh and cat lady" the tiny Lieutenant said.

Kukaku laughed as she began walking with Yachiru on her back. "I don't need to see Kenny if Grimmjow or Ikkaku is around."

"I'll find them," Yachiru yelled jumping from the Shiba woman's back and disappearing almost as quickly as she appeared.

She decided the logical place to look was the training grounds. Trying to keep her mind off what she would inevitably have to do before the week was over. She walked briskly towards her destination and the growing reiatsu of Ikkaku and Grimjow. She smiled to herself knowing she could always count on those two for a good fight and they weren't bad to look at either. She'd have to make sure to shred their clothes if they weren't torn to bits already. _'Maybe today won't be so shitty after all'_.

There was a large crowd around the sparing men so Kukaku just shoved her way through, giving anyone who dared open their mouth a fist to the face. She'd barely gotten a chance to admire the former sixth Espada's demented yet sexy grin when she spotted something that made her stomach churn. Yumichika Ayasegawa. Not only was he not watching a great fight, but he held a mirror in his hand and was…primping? This was totally unacceptable. She couldn't let this go on, it was blasphemy. She stormed through the crowd, pushing whoever was stupid enough not to get out of the way, until she reached the fifth seat of the eleventh squad. She watched him with disgust. He didn't even notice she was there. Suppressing the growing urge to kick his ass she yelled, "Just what the hell do you think you're doing?"

Yumichika made one last pose in his mirror before turning to Kukaku with a slightly irritated look. "What do you want, you savage woman?"

Kukaku's eye twitched before she took the mirror from him and threw it on the ground, breaking it into tiny pieces. He looked at her thoughtfully before shrugging and producing a mirror from inside his robe, identical to the one she just destroyed. "It's called voguing."

Her eye twitched again before she stormed off, forgetting all about the fight, leaving Yumichika behind to start on his eyelash batting exercises.

**Day 4**

Kukaku practiced the fine art of procrastination. Soon she would be as good at it as Byakuya was at being an asshole.

**Day 5**

Kukaku was supposed to meet up with her three drinking partners tonight, but knew they would give her shit when she told them she hadn't done a damn thing pertaining to her mission. The need to drink was stronger than her desire to avoid being teased by Yoruichi, so she left to meet them at their favorite bar.

When she arrived, Yoruichi and Nel were already there and before she could even get comfortable Yoruichi started.

"So…how's the mission going?" She smirked slightly.

"Don't start with me you damned cat," Kukaku said, giving the Captain a look that would make anyone else shit their pants.

Nel giggled as she picked up her drink, avoiding eye contact with the seething Kukaku.

"Is something funny Neliel?"

Nel's head snapped up to meet Kukaku's glare. "Nope. Zero laughter over here."

"Hey, don't threaten my Lieutenant just 'cause you got screwed…oh wait. I guess you didn't or you wouldn't be in such a bitchy mood," Yoruichi said snidely. "So I guess it's safe to say you haven't even thought about starting your mission."

Kukaku rolled her eyes and as she always did, reached for the sake and drank straight from the bottle.

"Look who I found on the way over," a voice said from behind her.

Kukaku turned to see a smiling Rangiku accompanied by Grimmjow, Ikkaku and Renji.

"Join us," Yoruichi offered, gesturing for them to sit.

"Thanks, we'll stay at least until—." Renji's reply was cut off by someone interrupting from behind.

"I'm here," the new attendee stated.

Kukaku knew that voice anywhere. He could easily be mistaken for a woman. His voice lacked even the faintest amount of bass; and what probably irked her the most was the fact that he was prettier than her. Not that she cared about her looks or what anyone else thought about them, but it was just…wrong. She turned slowly and saw Yumichika damn near sauntering towards the group. For no other reason than pure insanity and sexual frustration, she turned and punched the table, totally destroying it and sending pieces of wood flying everywhere.

"Shit Kaku. What the hell?" Yoruichi yelled. "Can I help you," she said immediately redirecting her glare to the approaching owner of the establishment. He had initially been coming to kick their rowdy party out, but upon seeing the ice cold stare of the golden eyed Shinigami and the crazed look of the one armed woman, he simply offered to move them to a more comfortable place…like one _with_ a table.

Deciding to stay together, the group followed the owner to a larger booth. Yoruichi, Nel and Rangiku purposely scrambled to sit together, leaving Kukaku no other choice but to sit beside Yumichika. More drinks were ordered and everyone seemed to be having a good time except Kukaku, who wore a permanent scowl. She sat holding her bottle to her chest like her life depended on it, ignoring the looks she got when she drank from the bottle. She stared at the side of Yumichika's face in disgust. It's not that she had anything against gay people, she didn't. She was just pissed the fuck off that someone who liked sex as much as she did had picked him of all people to play what was supposed to be a sexual prank on.

"What are you looking at?" the girly voice piped up.

Realizing she was more than a little drunk and had obviously spaced out for a moment, she met Yumichika's slightly amused face. Had she been staring at him this whole time?

"Nothing," she said rudely, while scooting as far away from him as she could…which was about two inches.

"No need to be embarrassed, I completely understand. Beauty like mine is very rare. It's only natural for you to want to stare." Her eye twitched. "I imagine you are unable to look away." He paused then sighed. "It's so hard to be me." Instead of punching the sparkle off his face Kukaku guzzled the remainder of the bottle she was holding, and then slammed it down on the table.

"That was lovely," Yumichika said before turning back to the others. Her eye twitched again.

From across the table Yoruichi watched the odd couple wondering if Yumichika knew just how close he was to being murdered. When she noticed Kukaku getting up she thought that maybe he really had reached the end of the line, until she announced that she was going to the restroom as if everyone needed to know that.

"I'll go with you," Rangiku slurred.

"Ohhhh me too. I've been holding it forever. Help me up, my legs won't work," Nel said reaching her hand out to the blonde while leaning back on Renji whose face was as red as his hair.

"I can't help you I have a drink in my hand. Yo, get your Lieutenant," Rangiku said.

Yoruichi raised her eyebrow at the nickname that Rangiku usually only used in private. She must have been really drunk. She sighed and yanked her Lieutenant's arm as she stood.

"You can't just have a party in the bathroom and not invite us," Renji complained.

Kukaku leaned over the table to look him straight in the eyes before punching him in the nose and walking off with her friends. _'They may be nice to look at but they sure are stupid.'_

Once in the bathroom Kukaku exploded just as Yoruichi had expected her to.

"SHIT, SHIT, SHIT! I'm leaving. I can't take this," she yelled as she emptied her bladder.

"Stop being such a pussy. Just do it tonight and get it over with. I'm sick of hearing your mouth."

"Tonight?" she yelled.

"Oh yea, do it tonight. Maybe he'll be so drunk he won't even remember. Then you won't have to worry about being embarrassed," Rangiku said clapping.

"I'm not embarrassed. I don't give a fuck about what that fairy thinks. He can remember all he wants," she said exiting the stall.

"Then shut up and do it."

Yoruichi was challenging her and she knew it. Tonight was as good a night as any and besides she'd have to do it anyway because Gods only knew what the consequences would be for failure.

"Ca-Captain," said a small voice. Rangiku froze.

"So what do you expect me to do? Just waltz out there and say _Hey fairy, give me a lesson in etiquette or I'll kick your scrawny ass_?"

"That might work. He would definitely see the urgency of the situation," Yoruichi said sarcastically.

Neither of them noticed Rangiku standing like a statue in the middle of the floor until they faintly heard, "Can you help me…PLEASE?"

"What the hell was that?" Kukaku yelled, since the sake had taken away her ability to control the volume of her voice.

"Shhh," Rangiku finally said. "I think it's a ghost."

"In the _Soul_ Society?" Yoruichi said blankly.

"Oh, right," the blonde slurred slapping her forehead. "Then it must be Chuck Norris," she said completely serious.

It was official. Rangiku was totally wasted. "Ok, Ran lets go home now," The purple haired Captain said, grabbing her arm and heading for the door.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, help me damnit," someone screamed.

"Nel?" Yoruichi said. "No. Chuck," Rangiku corrected.

Yoruichi gestured for Kukaku to check the stall the voice had come from. She slowly made her way to the stall and cautiously opened the door. If it was Chuck Norris she didn't want to risk a round house to the face.

"My butt's touching the water," Nel whined in front of her.

"Bwaaaaaaahahahahahahaha." Kukaku couldn't breathe.

"I fell in! You guys started yelling and scared me," she pouted trying in vain to dislodge her rear end from the toilet bowl. Kukaku looked at her with tears in her eyes before falling on the floor in another fit of laughter.

"Hurry before my butt starts to look like Head Captain Yamamoto's face."

"I don't think you're butt'll grow a white beard just 'cause it sat in some toilet water for a couple minutes. Do you?" Rangiku said confused, looking to Yoruichi for answers.

"No. Kaku get her outta there and let's go," Yoruichi responded.

"What the hell took ya'll so long," said an obviously irritated Grimmjow.

"You don't wanna know," Yoruichi shook her head. "But we've gotta go. Rangiku is…well…I don't even wanna start, and Nel's butt is wrinkled."

"There're two bottles left. Waste is very unbeautiful," Yumichika said, causing the vein in Kukaku's head to nearly burst.

"Come on Kaku," Grimmjow said standing up. "You take one and I'll take one. Whoever finishes last pay's for everything.

"I hope you brought enough money then," she said with a psycho grin that rivaled the one Grimmjow was sporting.

"On three," he said. "One…two…three."

The two started drinking like their very lives depended on it, while Nel cheered Kukaku on and everyone else looked on in amused silence. When it came down to the last bit Yoruichi's competitive side got the best of her. "Come on Kaku," she yelled. Her friend beat Grimmjow by only a couple seconds, but she couldn't help but feel proud. She said her farewells and turned to leave with Rangiku hanging from her body.

"Grimmjow take Kukaku home," Yoruichi told him. He nodded with a devilish grin and winked at Kukaku.

Yoruichi smiled to herself as they left the bar going their separate ways. Judging by the way Grimm was eyeing her friend after she won that bet, she was in for an exciting night and would hopefully be in a better mood the next time she saw her.

'_I'm such a good friend,' _she smiled to herself.

**Day 6**

Kukaku woke up with a throbbing headache and a full bladder. She jumped up and dashed to the bathroom, groaning the whole way there. As she sat down she noticed a huge bruise on the inside of her thigh.

"What the hell?" she mumbled as she poked the maroon spot with her finger. No pain. Squinting, partly because of the pain in her head, she leaned in to get a closer look. _'Is this a hickey?'_ When she stood she felt an all too familiar pain in her thighs and back. She yawned then snapped her mouth shut, her eyes growing wide. Her jaw was sore and that could only mean one thing. She rolled her eyes as she thought about what Yoruichi would say, _'You forgot you weren't a snake again didn't you? Your jaw can't dislocate and you can't swallow things whole.'_

She looked at herself in the mirror. "Shit." She turned her head to the side appraising the two passion marks on her neck.

"Grimmjow?" She remembered leaving with him but not much else.

She stared blankly into the mirror willing herself to remember anything that happened after leaving with the blue haired Arrancar. "Shit," she yelled. "You'd think if I banged one of the hottest men in the Soul Society I'd at least remember something."

She stomped back to her room and got in the bed, burying herself under the covers. _'There's no way in hell I can deal with Yumichika today.'_ She was pissed, hung-over, and exhausted.

**Day 7**

'_How long can a lesson in Etiquette take? I'll do it tomorrow before the meeting,' _she decides.

**Day of the Next Meeting**

Kukaku sat watching Koganehiko and Shiroganehiko clean up the latest mess she'd made testing some new fireworks that obviously needed more work. Today was the day that she would be forced to embarrass herself by attending Yumichika's charm school. She had no doubt he would make it his personal duty to embarrass her as much as possible, but she had a trick up her sleeve. If she had to humiliate herself then she might as well have some fun doing it.

She couldn't remember what she'd done with Grimmjow, but after getting over the initial shock, not that she had done it, just that she couldn't remember, she had to admit that she felt clear headed and relaxed. About two hours before the meeting she would go to the eleventh squad barracks and wait for her 'Sensei'. Then, the fun would begin.

Kukaku arrived at the barracks and was greeted by none other than the pink haired Lieutenant or the eleventh.

"Hey boobies 2! Where's your arm?" Yuchiru asked.

"I left it home. I didn't think I'd need it tonight," Kukaku answered.

"Kenny will like it. Are you gonna show Kenny?"

"Not tonight. I'm in kind of a rush shorty. Where's Yumichika's room? I have something he needs to see," she said trying to suppress an evil smirk.

"Yun-Yun? I'll show you."

Before Yachiru could leap on Kukaku's back someone called her name from the distance.

Yachiru turned, "Grimm kitty, look it's boobies 2," she said gesturing to Kukaku.

"Hey," he said, slapping Kukaku on the back. "Sorry about the other night. I must've been drunker than I thought." She laughed along with him, not really knowing why he was apologizing, but opted not to say anything. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing that she didn't remember. If he felt he needed to apologize, something she'd never heard Grimmjow do, it must have been pretty shitty. _'It couldn't have been that bad could it?'_

Switching his attention back to Yachiru, he ruffled her hair, "The Captain is looking for you shorty, so get outta here."

"Ok, but you gotta show boobies 2 to feather's room," and in a flash of pink she was gone.

"Yumichika? What, does he want a mold of your tits to show the doctor when he gets implants?"

"Probably," Kukaku said through her laughter as Grimmjow motioned for her to follow him.

As they walked along in a comfortable silence, Kukaku fell slightly behind to get a look at his muscular back, secretly thanking the Gods for his strange habit of rarely wearing a top. He was even sexier because he didn't know he was sexy. She eyed his 6'1 frame and started to calculate the time it would take to drag him into a dark alley and rape him. Would she still have enough time to do her mission and make it to the meeting by ten? Probably not, but just watching him walk made her seriously consider taking the risk. What could he have done that possibly warranted an apology? He walked like he had a huge-.

"Here it is," Grimmjow said interrupting her musings.

She looked up to see exactly where _here_ was. "Thanks," she said to Gimmjow who was already walking away.

"Have fun," he called over his shoulder.

Kukaku stood entranced, watching him walk away until he finally turned a corner.

"Ok, focus," she said to herself as she readied herself for the task at hand. After easily picking the lock, she crept inside to prepare for his arrival.

It wasn't long before Kukaku heard movement outside the door. She took a deep breath and prepared to put on the show of a lifetime. The door creaked open, then closed gently a couple seconds later. She heard him as he walked through the small kitchen and entered the bedroom. Her heart beat loudly in her ears and her breathing was uneven. She fought against the urge to laugh, knowing that one slip would blow everything. He sighed in exhaustion and turned on a dim light. Kukaku watched as he gracefully untied his robe and dropped into a chair on the far side of the room. He pinched the bridge of his nose, and then slowly looked up, finally noticing the very naked Kukaku posed seductively on his bed. Her prosthetic arm was missing as well as the bandages that typically adorned her head. Messy black hair cascaded over her shoulder and fell between her breasts.

She smiled inwardly as she watched his eyes roam over every inch of her body, seemingly digesting what he was seeing. She waited for his face to contort into a look of revulsion or even fear. Maybe he would scream like a girl and go running hysterically down the street, or even better, maybe he would just faint. She searched his face for some indication of what he was thinking. He still hadn't spoken so she assumed he was in a state of shock. _'Should I say something,'_ she thought to herself. The longer he stared, the more she found herself wanting to look away. She was beginning to feel extremely self-conscience under his critical gaze, and even more disturbing was the fact that he didn't seem bothered in the least.

"Beautiful," he whispered, finally breaking the awkward silence as he stood and walked toward the bed.

'_Beautiful?'_ Kukaku's eyes grew large as he approached her in only his hakama. This was definitely NOT what was supposed to happen. Her pulse quickened. _'Fuck, what do I do now?'_ Yumichika stopped in front of the bed and looked down at the naked Shiba woman.

"You seem surprised. You don't find yourself beautiful?" She didn't answer.

"Hmm. Is it my birthday?" he asked seriously.

"Uhh, I don't know," she said quietly, unable to find anything witty to say.

He turned and walked away, giving her a chance to look him over. He had no muscles to speak of and while she wouldn't call him unattractive, he definitely did not appeal to her in any way. He was far too pretty and delicate for her taste.

She watched as he pulled his shoulder length hair into a ponytail and removed the colorful feathers from his eye. He then walked back over to the corner of the room and sat down again. Kukaku, who had gotten over her initial shock of Yumichika's casual reaction to her being there, stood up and put her hand on her hip.

"I came to get a lesson in etiquette," she said standing before him in all her glory.

"Etiquette?" he asked sounding surprised. "But you have such wonderful manners. I wouldn't change a thing."

"You're a real smart ass…the only thing I like about you," she said with her patented grin.

"The only thing? How disappointing."

"Oh come on fairy boy," she said spinning slowly. "There must be something that needs improvement." She was sick and tired of him trying to play it cool. She didn't know how much time she had before the meeting started, but she was ready to get this over with. _'I'll just push him until he can't take any more.'_

"Fairy boy?"

"Oh come on," she said sauntering toward him. "I'd have already had to knock you out if you were straight. So just give me a few tips and I'll leave you to do…whatever it is you do."

"First, being overzealous is very unattractive. Second, whatever gave you the idea that I wasn't straight?"

She stared at him blankly for a moment before throwing her head back in laughter. _'What gave me the idea he wasn't straight…Uhh, everything.'_ She had to admit he was good, very smooth. He must have studied under Shunsui or maybe Kisuke. No, Kisuke wasn't smooth, he was something beyond that.

Yumichika shrugged, "Etiquette lesson huh? Ok, fine." He stood and walked toward her. "Etiquette is a code of behavior that outlines expectations for social behavior according to the norms within a society, social class, or group. Now, since you are here in my room, your conduct should be pleasing to me. Just as if you were to meet with the Head Captain you would…or should, behave the way he would expect you to."

Kukaku listened quietly, all while thinking she could really care less how others expected her to act. Nevertheless, she nodded her head like a good student. Seeing she was paying attention, Yumichika continued, "Now, do you think I consider it polite for a naked woman to stand in the middle of my floor?"

"I don't care what you consider polite," she said raising an eyebrow.

"Do you want to learn or not Lady Shiba?" he said sarcastically.

"Not really."

"Humor me. Now answer the question," he said as he settled in front of her.

"What was the question again, Sensei?" she asked mockingly.

He moved a step closer. "Do you think I consider it polite for a woman…namely you, to stand naked in the middle of my floor?"

"Sorry, fairy boy," she said laughing and slapping him on the shoulder. "I guess not." She turned to retrieve her clothes, but he caught her arm mid turn.

"You're wrong. I find it very considerate of you."

Kukaku didn't bother to hide her confused expression. She was beginning to suspect that either this was a sick joke set up by Yoruichi or Yumichika was _not_ gay. Laughing to herself, she quickly dismissed the latter…it was simply not possible. She tried to pull her arm from his grasp, but to her surprise he was much stronger than he looked. As if reading her mind, he released her.

"Now, since you are a guest, the courteous thing would be to offer you refreshments." He turned slowly and walked back to his chair. Just before sitting, he casually removed his hakama. _'He must find teaching very exciting,'_ she thought to herself upon seeing his erection.

Lieutenant Cifer obviously wasn't the only one who preferred to go commando. She was actually a little surprised, not only by his size, which was more than she would have expected from someone so small, but by what he was obviously implying.

"Would it be 'proper' for me to let you watch me eat while you go hungry?" she asked without missing a beat.

He considered what she said for a moment before a small smile crept across his face. "It's customary for the host to freshen up before …eating, and as a guest it would be polite to offer your assistance." He stood and headed for the bathroom leaving her dumbfounded and slightly curious.

Kukaku, never one to back away from a challenge, followed him into the bathroom. He was already in the shower, but the curtain was open as if he was sure she was coming. His eyes were closed and his head back, as he allowed the water pour onto his face. This was the best she had ever seen him look.

"Get in," he said sensing her presence. "It's good for your muscles. I'm sure you were sore after the last time."

"What?" Kukaku froze with one leg in the shower.

"Oh by the way I apologize for not practicing proper etiquette at our last meeting," he said with his eyes still closed. "However, since Grimmjow was, for lack of a better word, fucked up, I felt it was only proper to ensure that you were umm…taken care of. I knew Ikkaku was perfectly capable of getting him home without me."

Yumichika opened his eyes to see a look of pure horror on Kukaku's face as she finally understood the reason behind Grimmjow's apology. She looked into his purple eyes. "You're not gay," she said as if she were trying to force herself to believe it.

"Not at all," he said batting his eyelashes.

There were those damn sparkles again. He grabbed her wrist pulling her in the rest of the way.

"You know, Lady Shiba," he said. "While it was very polite of you to offer your assistance, we now have a larger problem on our hands. I'm not sure, but I don't think it would be proper etiquette for me to let you be in here…and not fuck the living daylights out of you."

Kukaku's jaw was on the floor.

**-o0o-**

Rangiku looked at the clock for the third time. Where the hell was Kukaku? She was an hour and a half late. None of them had seen or heard from her since the other night at the bar. She glanced around the room. Everyone seemed to be having a good time. Her eyes met Yoruichi's, who looked at her wrist, obviously thinking the same thing she was. She sighed as she brought her cup to her lips when there was a loud bang at the door. Yoruichi ran to the door and slid open the small window.

"Kukaku!"

Yoruichi snatched the door open allowing Kukaku to stagger in. She fell to her knees clearly unable to carry her own weight. She was completely disheveled. Her usually messy hair was in even more disarray than usual, and her clothes were barely on her body. The women gathered around her in concern.

"What happened?" Yoruichi asked.

"Etiquette," she said between gasps. "I didn't realize it would be so strenuous." A wicked grin spread across her face as she watched everyone's expression turn from worry to confusion.

Yoruichi pulled a chair over for Kukaku to sit in while Rangiku got her a much needed drink. "Alright you hookers listen up," she started as they all gathered around her. "I don't have much time. I have to get back for some extra credit."

**-o0o-**

**OK. Please review and tell me what you think. If you have any pairing idea's let me know.**


	4. Dress for Success

**Sorry for the delay with this chapter. It was a lot harder to write than I thought it would be but I finished. Thanks to all my reviewers… Ndasuunye, Mister Unsmiley, AriesRaccoonRebi, Chigirl, fire-of-fate, Rincewind2.0, Notchka, Riotstarter1214, ElfishScallywag, Gdreams, Oicherealtai, and Ibnuub productions. You guys rock! I've got some really good ideas for pairing too so stay tuned. Prank ideas are welcome as well.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing…but you knew that already. Also this chapter is a little lighter on the comedy and heavier on the lemons… as a matter of fact there's pretty much a whole lemon tree. You have been warned. **

**-o0o-**

**Week 3: _ and Kenpachi Zaraki**

**Mission: Dress for Success – Kenpachi's Obsession **

**Day 1**

She sat alone, thoughtfully gazing into a pond on the outskirts of the Seireitei. Somewhere she knew she was not likely to be disturbed. She needed time to think. Her mission was not at all what she'd expected it to be. In retrospect no one ever knew what to expect from Yoruichi and Rangiku so she shouldn't have been surprised. The question was; how was she supposed to get Captain Zaraki to give her five of the bells from his hair without him knowing who she was?

"Dress for Success," she said, repeating the week's lesson aloud.

'_Samurai armor can't be easy to come by these days.'_ she thought. She wasn't sure if that would be considered dressing for success, but it was definitely dressing smart. Gods only knew what the crazed captain of the eleventh squad would do when he heard her request.

'_I can see it now,'_ she thought._ Good day captain Zaraki. I was wondering if perhaps you wouldn't mind letting me have five of the bells from your lovely yet very masculine and not at all ridiculously styled hair. 'After he stares at me for a few seconds, he'd reach up and snatch off his eye patch. If I wasn't completely crushed by his spiritual pressure that sick smile would spread across his face and he'd say, "I'll give you one for every time you cut me." After which, I'd bow politely, turn on my heels and haul ass, suddenly remembering that I liked being alive._

"Perhaps I could wear wicker basket on my head like Captain Komamura used to," she said to herself.

Of course the Captain of the eleventh division wasn't exactly what you would call bright, but surely he wouldn't be fooled by a simple disguise…or would he. _'Maybe, I could try…and if I suppressed my reiatsu'_, she thought, sighing as the breeze carried a loose strand of hair over her eye. She leaned forward, cupping her face in her hands. Coming up with a plan would be difficult, but she'd figure something out. Failure was definitely not an option.

**Day 2**

An idea came to her in the wee hours of the morning, waking her from a peaceful slumber. She knew she would need some assistance so she made up her mind to go see Lieutenant Matsumoto first thing in the morning. Everyone in the Seireitei knew shopping and being sexy was her forte. Looking at the clock she lay back down, feeling a little better about her mission.

When she awoke again it was a few hours later, but still rather early. Rangiku was not what you would call an early riser, but she just couldn't wait any longer. She decided to check the Lieutenant's room first. It would be best if running into Captain Hitsugaya could be avoided. She hoped she wouldn't raise any suspicion by being there. She wasn't exactly one of the Lieutenant's known friends. Of course she had the right to call on who ever she pleased and seriously doubted if anyone would say anything at all. _'I'm just being paranoid'_, she thought.

When she arrived at her destination, she found that she was hesitant to knock. This had the potential to be very embarrassing since she was known to be a soft-spoken and reserved person. She took a deep breath and knocked on the door of the tenth squad Lieutenant, hoping that Rangiku would not make this more uncomfortable for her than it already was. She waited a moment then knocked again…nothing. _'That's surprising. I know she's not gone already. It's too early. Maybe she's passed out'_.

She turned slowly, trying to decide what to do next. Maybe she could talk to Captain Shihoin instead. Nodding to herself she decided that was probably the best course of action. As she turned to walk away, Rangiku's door flew open. She turned to face the surprised face of the blonde Lieutenant. If there had been any question as to why the men in the Seireitei practically worshipped the ground the Lieutenant walked on, she had the answer now. She definitely had an abundance of womanly…uh, charms. She had obviously just finished bathing and was wrapped in a towel that was straining to contain all of her…assets. Her dripping wet hair was hanging wildly around her face. She was beautiful, that was for sure. _'Why would she answer the door this way? What if I had been a man?'_ she thought. They stared at each other speechless until Rangiku finally broke the awkward silence.

"Fancy meeting you here," said the Lieutenant with her trademark laugh.

She invited her unexpected guest inside and closed the door behind her.

"I'm sorry to call so early, Lieutenant, but it was rather urgent that I speak with you." Rangiku nodded and took a seat on her bed giving the raven haired woman her undivided attention.

"I've done quite a bit of thinking about my mission, and I think I have an idea. The problem is, I need some supplies," she said with a small smile. Rangiku just stared at her obviously not understanding what the woman was asking. "I don't know where I would get the supplies, Lieutenant."

"Oh, ok. Well, what do you need? I'm always up for a shopping trip," she said, all of a sudden very excited. "Oh, we can go to the human world," she squealed, jumping up and quickly putting on her uniform.

"This will be so much better than hiding from my captain all day," Rangiku said, cringing at the thought of doing paperwork. "I'll handle everything. Meet me at Yoruichi's in thirty," she said as the woman bowed, smiling nervously, and then left. Today was certain to be interesting.

The two women arrived in the human world directly in front of Urahara's shop, which to everyone's surprise he was still able to maintain, even from the Soul Society. He and Tessai came back quite often to check on a much older Ururu and Jinta. Rangiku had Yoruichi call ahead to let the two know they would be stopping by to get their gigai. The two entered the shop and were met by Ururu who was sweeping up the already clean floor, probably out of habit. The teenager looked up to see her customers and ran over, jumping on Rangiku and knocking her onto the floor.

"At least someone's glad to see me," Rangiku said laughing.

The young girl, apparently remembering herself, released the blonde Shinigami, apologizing profusely.

"Oh, don't worry about it," she said standing and straightening her robe. "I guess you have everything ready? We're here on a top secret shopping mission," she said gesturing to her companion.

The smaller Shinigami stepped from her place behind Rangiku and gave the young girl a smile. Ururu bowed politely and apologized for not greeting her earlier. She was so excited to see Rangiku that she hadn't even noticed her. Ururu led them into the back where they could get into their gigai. Rangiku threw on the clothes Ururu laid out for her and threw her shopping partner some of Yoruichi's clothes since they were close in size. They stayed long enough to enjoy some tea with Ururu, and then began their adventure.

"So what exactly are you looking for," Rangiku asked as they strolled leisurely down the street.

"Something attractive," she said sounding very unsure of herself.

"Attractive? You mean something sexy?" The other woman's eyes grew large as Rangiku continued. "You definitely came to the right person because sexy…" she said waving her 'sexy' ring in the woman's face, "is my middle name." She grabbed the woman by the hand yanking her down the street in search of a suitable place to shop.

The first place they stopped was one of Rangiku's favorite lingerie shops which made the smaller woman blush.

"Ok, let's see," she said stopping in front of a table covered in bras. "You're about a what? C or maybe a D…D I think. We'll have to get you measured," she said not giving her friend a chance to answer. She rummaged through the merchandise until she found something she liked. She held up a pink lace bra that was very lovely but not exactly what her friend was looking for. She shook her head politely before leaving Rangiku behind to look around by herself. The raven haired woman browsed the store, eyeing everything curiously. When she came across a table of what she thought were underwear. She picked up a pair and the smile dropped from her face. _'What are these supposed to be?'_ she thought.

"No don't get thongs," Rangiku said interrupting her thoughts. "You don't want thongs," she said. "G-strings are much more comfortable, and they're sexier," she said with a wink. "Oh! They're on sale! Let's get some!" She grabbed one of everything on the table and made her way to the register to pay.

The next place they stopped was a video store.

"Why are we stopping here," she asked Rangiku.

"Oh I have a couple movies I want to pick up. I figured we could have a movie night sometime," Rangiku replied, leaving the woman standing in the middle of the store alone as the busty blonde went to find whatever it was she was looking for.

She watched Rangiku disappear down the romantic comedy aisle and sighed. She would never get the things she needed like this. Rangiku would drag her all over creation if she didn't speak up. Besides, she couldn't stay in the living world all day. She had her duties and was sure people would start looking for her before long.

Roaming aimlessly through the store looking at the shelves of movies, none of which were familiar to her, she realized she couldn't remember the last time she saw one. She continued browsing until she spotted a magazine stand over to the left. She walked over since she'd always been an avid reader, and started skimming the covers. Seeing nothing that looked even the tiniest bit interesting she began to walk away.

'_Get what you want,'_ she saw on a cover out the corner of her eye. She turned back, curiously staring at the magazine. There was a picture of a woman dressed in some type of costume with a scantily clad man under her foot. _'This is totally inappropriate'_ she thought, frowning, yet she reached for the magazine and opened it to a random page.

The story's header immediately stood out to her:

_Do you want men jumping off of bridges and slitting their wrists for just a little bit of your lovin'? _

_Do you wish you could get anything you want from any man you want? _

_Well with these 5 easy steps you'll have the man of your dreams wrapped around your little finger. He'll be putty in your hands. He will live to please only you._

'_Lovin'?'_ She wasn't sure if she liked the idea of someone hurting themselves for her. That didn't make much sense, but she supposed if they did, it wouldn't be too bad. After all, that's what the fourth division was for, taking care of the injured. With wrinkled eyebrows she closed the magazine, once again looking at the front and studying the picture. The shoes the woman wore were terribly impractical. She wondered what shape her feet were in to fit in those pointy shoes. The man acting as her step stool had to be in a serious amount of pain, but his face appeared as if he enjoyed being degraded that way. As disconcerting as the picture was, there was something about it that intrigued the Shinigami. Perhaps it was the level of power the woman seemed to have over the man and the fact that he seemed to enjoy submitting to her obviously twisted will. She decided she needed to do more research. She looked around for Rangiku, spotting her on the other side of the store. She quickly made her way to the counter to pay for the magazine and slid it into her purse. Ignoring the questioning stare of the cashier she turned to seek out Rangiku. They needed to get out of there.

She was finally able to get Rangiku to leave the store, but not before buying two 'chick flicks' as she called them, _Sex in the City_ and _The Sweetest Thing_. Not that she had the right to judge.

"Where to next," Rangiku asked turning to her friend. She shrugged as two giggling children ran by knocking her bag onto the ground.

"Sorry lady," one of them yelled back as they disappeared around the corner.

She smiled, gazing after them as Rangiku knelt down to retrieve her bag and the magazine that had fallen out.

"Hmm, pretty racy stuff," Rangiku said. Her friend turned around slowly, smile still on her face…until she spotted what the Lieutenant was holding. Her face turned beet red as she reached up to snatch the magazine back.

"No need to be embarrassed," Rangiku said, snickering, willingly returning her reading material. "Gotta learn somehow."

"I need it for research," she said quietly, placing the source of her embarrassment back inside of her purse. "I need a disguise," she said changing the subject. There was no more time to be shy about it. Might as well get what she needed so they could get back. How did she expect Rangiku to help her if she wouldn't tell her what she needed? The whole point of this group was to let go of your inhibitions and have some fun. Although she had to admit she wasn't having much fun at the moment, but that was because she acting like a prude, something she definitely was not.

"A disguise?" Rangiku was baffled.

"Yes. Captain Zaraki might not be the smartest, but surely he will know me without one.

Rangiku took a moment to think. What kind of costume could she possibly have in mind? Then she remembered the magazine….

"Hmm," she noted.

Did she really have in mind what Rangiku thought she did? If so, she needed Yoruichi's help not hers. Rangiku looked at the small woman who was looking up at her expectantly. Her cheeks still slightly flushed from embarrassment. She had guts, that was for sure.

"I know a place," she said as she turned to lead her to one of Yoruichi's favorite spots. "We may need to get this on video," she said as they strolled together, coaxing a little laugh from her companion.

**Day 3**

Rangiku thought it would be a good idea if her shopping partner went to see Yoruichi, just for a couple of pointers. She didn't know exactly what the woman was planning, but she had a pretty good idea. It would be no easy feat that was for sure. Yoruichi had already heard from Rangiku what they'd purchased the day before. To say she was surprised would be an understatement.

There was a light rap on the door. Yoruichi, knowing exactly who it was, opened the door, allowing the blue eyed woman to enter. She led her through the room where they usually held their meetings and up a small ladder that led to her bedroom, closing the trap door behind them.

Wasting no time she turned to her guest. "Ok, let's see it."

The woman nodded and emptied the contents of her bag. She neatly placed each item across Yoruichi's beautiful king size canopy bed, making a note to check into getting one for herself. It was quite lovely.

After laying out the last item, she stepped aside nervously, waiting for Yoruichi to finish appraising what she'd purchased. The Captain walked slowly along the perimeter of the bed, tapping her chin with her finger. She rummaged through the pile of underwear, tossing the ones she didn't like to the side.

"Wear these," she said, a red and black G-string hanging from her finger. The other woman nodded.

"Let me ask you," Yoruichi said, finally giving the woman her undivided attention. "What are you planning to do with your hair? Surely that will give you away, and since your mask covers only half of your face I suggest you wear a little make-up." She paused a moment before starting again. "On second thought, when the day comes, come here to get ready. Me and Ran will take care of you."

"Thank you, Captain," she said with a slight bow. As she lifted her head Yoruichi give her a wink and with a laugh said, "This is gonna be epic."

"See you tomorrow, Captain," the smaller woman said as she gathered her things and left.

**Day 4**

As she went about her daily routine, she went over everything that would happen that night in her mind. She hoped she had everything she needed. She would meet Rangiku and Yoruichi in Yoruichi's room as soon as the sun set and they would help her get ready. The easiest way to go about this, she decided, would be to go to his living quarters and wait for him. Hopefully there would be sufficient space for what she intended to do. Perhaps she could move things around a bit. She looked at the time for the fifth time that hour and sighed. Could she really be this excited to do something so…so inappropriate? She found herself wondering if the eleventh squad Captain was as well endowed as his overall size suggested. Shaking her head of the impure thoughts, she attempted to focus her mind on something more constructive…like would she be able to get it all in her mouth.

She sighed heavily, slamming her fist down on the desk. While it had been quite some time since she'd experienced this, she was no stranger to it; sexual frustration. Damn Rangiku and her stupid group. She'd gone without for years, and now she was practically foaming at the mouth at the prospect of seeing Captain Zaraki's anatomy. It wasn't quite dark yet, but it was apparent that no work would be getting done until she'd lived out her sick fantasy with the pointy-haired captain. She decided to just go ahead and leave. Her squad would surely be able to survive the rest of the day without her. Maybe she could get a quick nap in before she headed over to the Shihoin compound. She'd need all the rest she could get.

A loud knock startled her out of her deep sleep. She willed her eyes open and drug herself out of the bed. The knock came again, a little louder than before.

"I'm coming," she mumbled wondering who it could possibly be.

Finally reaching her door, she opened it to reveal a grinning Yoruichi and Rangiku.

"Don't tell me you're chickening out," Rangiku said, sounding slightly disappointed.

"Huh?" was the woman's response as she was still half asleep, and a little confused as to why the two women were there.

"You better wake up sleeping beauty, you're gonna need to be alert if you want to pull this off," Yoruichi said pushing past the woman, not bothering to wait for an invitation to enter.

"Oh my! I must have overslept. What time is it? I didn't realize I was that tired…"

"Calm down. It's fine. We're here right?" Yoruichi said. The woman nodded, taking a deep breath in an attempt to relax.

Rangiku set the large bag of supplies she was carrying down on a small table in the corner of the room. "Let's get this party started shall we."

Trying to make up for lost time, the women moved as fast as they could. Rangiku was in charge of hair and make-up and Yoruichi took care of the clothes. A little more than an hour later Rangiku and Yoruichi were staring at what looked like a completely different woman.

"Perfect," Rangiku said grinning.

"This is gonna be good," said Yoruichi making the woman blush slightly.

She felt uncomfortable and exposed, but if this was what it took to complete her mission she would do it. Besides, she wasn't being forced to do this. She could complete her mission however she wanted. As hard as it was to believe, this was completely _her_ idea. Rangiku threw a hooded cape over the woman, covering her skimpy outfit and turned to gather her and Yoruichi's things.

"I'll go with you," Yoruichi started, turning to face the cloaked woman. "We wouldn't want your cover blown now would we?" she smirked mischievously before following the woman out the door.

"Good luck," Rangiku called over her shoulder at the two retreating figures.

They arrived at the Eleventh squad barracks, somehow managing to avoid the tiny pink haired Lieutenant. The blue eyed woman looked to Yoruichi with uncertainty..

"You'd better get started," Yoruichi said. Tonight Captain Zaraki is out drinking with his squad, but he'll be back soon." The other woman nodded in understanding. "Oh, and one last thing," Yoruichi said reaching inside her robe and pulling out a small bottle of sake. "Relax." She handed the small bottle over to the woman who reluctantly took it. "Thank you," the woman said tucking the bottle inside her bag.

"Good night," Yoruichi said with a gleam in her eye before she disappeared in a flash of shunpo.

**-o0o-**

After placing the strongest barrier that she could around the Captain of the eleventh squad's dwelling, she took one last look around before hopping through the window. Once inside, she folded the cape up neatly and placed it in the corner of the room. Not wanting to turn the lights on and attract attention, she found her way around in the dark. His living quarters were smaller than she'd expected, mainly because the Captain was such a large man, but it was surprisingly neat. Except for the table and chairs that sat in the small kitchen and the enormous futon in the bedroom, there was really no furniture to speak of. It was perfect. She had all the space she would need. The big empty room that separated the bedroom from the kitchen was where she decided to set up.

She opened up her small bag of supplies and pulled out the pair of black shoes. She felt herself beginning to tense up. In an attempt to calm her nerves, she stood, closed her eyes and took a couple deep breaths. Her eyes snapped open as she remembered what Yoruichi gave her before she left. She reached inside the small satchel and felt around until her fingers touched the bottle that contained her salvation. With no hesitation, she opened the bottle, closed her eyes and gulped down its contents. Within minutes she was feeling the effects. She wasn't drunk, but she was defiantly relaxed. _'Mission one accomplished. Now let me get ready.'_

Kenpachi entered his home, slamming the door behind him. He walked through the kitchen and unfurnished sitting room, entered his bedroom and threw his captains haori and robe on the futon. His unseen visitor stayed hidden in the shadows of the empty room. She listened as he started the shower and tried not to fidget too much as she waited for him to get out. The anticipation was killing her. _'Maybe I could get him while he's in the shower. He would be completely vulnerable.'_ The sound of the shower turning off brought her out of her thoughts. She stepped back into the shadows as Kenpachi emerged from his bedroom wrapped in nothing but a towel, apparently on his way to the kitchen.

"Bakudo 63, Sajo Subako (Locking bondage Stripes)," she canted.

"Huh," was all he could say before he found himself bound with yellow chains.

"Not very observant are we Captain," she said as Kenpachi looked around for the source of the voice. She hit the lights, allowing him to lay eyes upon his captor. He stared at her in awe, letting her know that Rangiku and Yoruichi had done their jobs well.

She wore a black latex bustier with buckles going all down the front that made her ample breasts sit much higher than she was used to. It was so tight, she could barely breathe, but Rangiku had said it was absolutely necessary that it be as tight as possible. Her raven black hair was pulled back into a high ponytail that came through a hole in the back of her black latex hood mask and fell neatly down her back. It reminded her of the mask of an executioner during renaissance times, but it concealed her identity perfectly. Her nose was covered leaving only her bluish purple eyes and ruby red lips exposed. Following Yoruichi's direction, she wore the red and black G-string, which also had a buckle on the front. It was surprisingly comfortable just like Rangiku said it would be. To top the whole look off she wore the most impractical shoes she'd ever laid her eyes on. They were 7 inch knee high ballet boots with thick straps that went around the front of her leg leaving slits of her leg visible. As she looked at the confused face of the mighty Kenpachi she allowed herself a small smirk. He had no idea he was looking at the Captain of the fourth division, Unohana Retsu.

Slightly buzzed from the drink, she took a moment to admire his more than impressive physique. The Gods must have been smiling down on her because at that moment his loosely knotted towel fell to the floor. Her eyes almost popped out of her head. If she didn't know any better she would think the Captain was born with a defect because it appeared to be a third leg coming from between his legs. To say that Captain Zaraki was well endowed would have been the understatement of the millennium. She tore her eyes away from his gracious plenty and realized that his usually spiky hair hung down past his shoulders, dripping water down his chest and back. Of course the bells were nowhere in sight but she couldn't bring herself to worry about such a small detail at that moment when there were so many other wonderful things to think about.

The spell she used would usually bind the targets arms down to their sides, but by simply reversing the hand signal, the chains wrapped around his wrists and ankles and disappeared into the ceiling and the floor, stretching him spread-eagle.

"Captain Zaraki," she said, in a stronger, more seductive voice than she normal used. "I'm here because you have something that I want." Once again her gaze fell between his legs. This did not go unnoticed by the eleventh division Captain. "And I'm not leaving until I get it," she said reaching down to grab her whip.

Upon seeing the barbed cat o'nine tails Kenpachi's confused expression slowly fell away. The corners of his mouth began to curl up revealing his trademark slightly crooked smile, something that she'd secretly always found very appealing.

"Waddaya want," he said in his rough voice.

She sauntered over to the chained Shinigami, dragging the whip behind her, and almost broke her neck as she looked up into his dark eye. He wondered how she was able to walk so gracefully in those shoes. "Don't speak unless I tell you too," she said with authority. Reaching up, she placed her hand on his chest and proceeded to rake her perfectly manicured nails down his torso so hard it would have drawn blood on anyone else. His reiatsu flared slightly in excitement as she stalked around his body, dragging her hand around to his sculpted back. She needed him to be on her level. His size was prohibiting her from doing what she wanted.

"Get on your knees," she commanded. Kenpachi turned slightly, looking at the small woman over his shoulder with a raised eyebrow, but made no move to follow her instruction.

"Bakudo 9, Geki (Strike)," she purred.

All of a sudden Captain Zaraki no longer had control of his…anything. He dropped to the floor like a sack of potatoes, arms still stretched high above his head and legs spread wide. His head hung down causing his hair to fall forward hiding his face. She ran her fingers through his hair massaging his scalp for a moment coaxing a deep grunt from his throat, before gripping it and yanking his head back. He looked surprisingly calm for someone that had just become paralyzed.

"Do as you're told," she said. "Or you will be punished." She pushed his head back with a little more force than was necessary, letting his head fall back to his chest. She released him from his paralysis and walked back across the room to her bag of supplies trying to decide what to do next. Kenpachi lifted his head slowly as he regained control of his body. He pulled at the chains testing their strength. It probably wouldn't be too hard to break free but he'd probably destroy half the barracks doing it. He figured there was no need to try and escape. She hadn't even done anything yet and it was getting more interesting by the minute. He watched as she walked slowly into his kitchen and turned on the light. Taking the opportunity, he made his way to his feet and looked around, finally taking in his surroundings.

There was a small black bag lying in the corner and a couple metal objects, that didn't look familiar, laid out on the floor. The sound of her heels on the floor announced her presence as she returned from the kitchen, with one of his bottles of sake in hand. Kenpachi's eyes met hers as she snapped the whip back, and without saying a word, lashed him across the chest. The barbed tails should have ripped through his flesh with ease, but this was Kenpachi. All that was left were barely visible pink welts. He glanced at his chest then back up at the mysterious woman.

"That's all you got?" he asked sounding slightly amused.

Unohana smiled inwardly. He had no idea who he was messing with. She drew her arm slightly behind her back, making the barbs scrape against the floor. _'I guess he wants to learn the hard way.'_ She focused on the whip in her hand, pumping it with her reiatsu until it began to glow and lashed him across the chest again. This time, much to Kenpachi's surprise, it cut through his skin like butter. He narrowed his eyes to slits trying to figure out who this woman could possibly be. He knew of no woman strong enough to cut him…maybe Yoruichi but the golden eyes and purple hair would have been a dead giveaway. Kukaku?

She couldn't help but notice the slight twitch between his legs as blood splattered on him, her and the floor. _'So he likes that does he?'_

"Do not disobey me again," she said walking up to him. "Now…on your knees, and don't speak again unless you're instructed to."

He looked down at her with an animalistic look in his eyes, and made no move to follow her instructions. Lifting the bottle of sake, she poured the liquid over his wounds causing the man to actually grimace…slightly.

"Down," she said in a surprisingly intimidating tone, really starting to get into the dominant roll.

He stared at her defiantly for a moment before slowly dropping to his knees, not because he was afraid of the consequences, but because he was curious. Blood and sake ran down his chest, and pooled around his knees on the wood floor. His eyes followed her as she circled around him, stopping at his back. She admired the hardness of his muscles and the scars that adorned it. Reaching out, she gently traced her fingers along a couple of them. Each told a story of a different battle or adventure. She decided it was high time she made her mark on the Captain too. Taking a few steps back, she took a drink of the sake she'd taken and sat it on the floor beside her. Then without warning, lashed Kenpachi across the back with the glowing whip. His body stiffened slightly as his reiatsu flared. His blood stained the white walls, making the room look like the scene of a brutal murder.

She repeated the action twice more before walking up behind the bleeding man and yanking his head back by the hair. His eyes were crazed and his breath was ragged. Not because of the pain, this was nothing compared to some of the fights he'd been in. This strange woman was turning him on more and more with every move she made. It was becoming difficult to control himself. He wanted to break free and ravish her on the blood-stained floor.

Looking over his broad shoulders she saw that he was becoming aroused. She rolled her eyes in disgust.

"Can't you control yourself," she said before pushing his head forward, releasing his hair. He listened to the nine tails drag across the floor as she came around to face him, his eye on her latex covered face and hers on his semi erect manhood that was almost touching the floor. After admiring it for a moment, she turned and headed for her supplies. She returned with her hands full, but he couldn't make out what any of it was. Stopping in front of him she got down on her knees, noticing the wounds on his chest had almost stopped bleeding. She dropped the various items on the floor between them and watched as the well-built man appraised them. She picked up the metal cock ring and the padlock making Kenpachi's eyes widen. There were long spikes on the inside and a place for the padlock to go once it was clamped shut. Just the thought of them digging into his cock made a tingle go up his spine.

Retsu took his member in her small hand, barely able to wrap it all the way around, and slowly closed the two inch wide ring around him. The spikes dug uncomfortably into his sensitive flesh making his chest rumble with what sounded like a growl. She grabbed the padlock with the other hand, slipped in through the hole and snapped it shut. Had he been completely hard she would have not been able to get it on. She sat back on her heels and looked him directly in the eyes.

"I'm disappointed by your lack of discipline. Since you can't control yourself, I will do it for you," she said nodding towards his tortured penis. With that she began to stand but stopped midway as if remembering something. She leaned forward, making sure to maintain eye contact with her fellow captain and slowly licked the pre-cum from the tip of his cock, closing her eyes to savor the taste. Leaning back on her heals she gathered her things and rose to her feet.

Now behind him, she placed the small bottle of lube on the floor beside her, grabbed the bottle of sake and took a couple gulps. She looked at the toy in her hand. It was a weird looking thing but Rangiku had insisted she buy it and Yoruichi explained how to use it. A prostate toy, appropriately called 'The Progasm', specifically designed for male pleasure. The box said it was shaped to slide in comfortably and stimulate both internally and externally. The tilted tip was rounded at the end for maximum prostate contact, and it had rounded ball tips at the front and back for perineum and testicle massage.

She thought about preparing him with her fingers before using the toy, but decided against it, opting to just go for the gusto. She placed a small amount of the strawberry lube on the tip and slowly pressed against his entrance. His body stiffened for a moment and he let out a guttural moan, as she slowly pushed past the tight ring of muscle. She stopped, giving him a moment to adjust, and she saw his body relax. After what she considered was enough time, she pushed farther in until she found his prostate. She smiled when he sucked in a sharp breath, and started to massage it just the way Yoruichi taught her. His breathing became heavier as her massage sent wave after wave of pleasure through his body. There was no pain, only pleasure, which Unohana thought needed to change. Leaving the toy inside of him, she crawled around, only stopping when his leaking member, that was being slightly weighed down by the heavy metal of the cock ring and padlock was in front of her. Blue eyes met black as she licked up the liquid that escaped the small slit and moaned as if it were the best thing she'd ever tasted.

Realizing there was no way he could fit through the mouth opening on her mask, she got up and quickly but gracefully walked over to her bag. She reached in, grateful that she decided to bring the blindfold just in case, and returned to her spot in front of Kenpachi. After locking eyes with him one last time she slipped the blindfold over his head, thrusting him into darkness. She knew that once his sight was taken away all his other sensed would get stronger, intensifying the pleasure. After assuring that he could not see she removed the latex mask and laid it to the side, immediately making herself more comfortable.

She tried getting on her hands and knees, but once she tried to reach between his legs to continue massaging his prostate she realized it would be better for him to lay down. She immediately removed the massager, released him from the spell keeping his arms chained and told him to lie down, which he did without a word. The weight from the cock ring was less of an issue now that he was on his back and his hands were now free.

"Knees up," she commanded as she moved around to his head. She removed her G-string and crawled down his massive frame until her mouth hovered above his manhood. His reiatsu flared and his cock twitched as she began to slowly lick around the head teasingly. She sat up on his chest and rubbed a small amount of lube on her finger. Placing the small bottle aside, she leaned forward and rubbed the lube on his pink puckering hole. She then inserted the massager and took him in her mouth simultaneously.

"Fuck," he said, clasping his hands behind his head.

Her warm mouth engulfed him as she circled her tongue around his width. The spikes of the cock ring pressed dangerously against his sensitive skin. Her rhythm became steady as she massaged his prostate. The room was thick with his spiritual pressure, making her grateful she'd thought to put up the barrier.

Kenpachi lay on his back trying to fight back his growing erection. He knew if he were to get all the way hard that damned contraption the woman put on him would definitely draw blood. It felt so fucking good…all of it. The pain from the wounds on his chest and back, the steady rubbing of whatever the hell it was on his prostate, her warm mouth around his dick and her wetness on his chest. He tried to block out the slurping sound as it was slowly making him lose his composure. Remembering his arms were no longer chained reached down and placed his large hands around her tiny waste.

As punishment for moving without her permission, she attempted to deep throat his massive size, relaxing her throat muscles as it slipped past her uvula and blocked her air passage.

"Shit," he yelled, unconsciously lifting his pelvis, thrusting himself farther down her throat.

She gagged as her eyes started to water. Pulling back, she gasped for much needed air. _'This is ridiculous,'_ she thought. There was still a few inches between her mouth and the metal ring. There was no way she would be able to take all of that. Her thoughts were interrupted when a large hand gripped the back of her head, thrusting him back into her mouth. She tried to pull back, but he was too strong. He was about to, quite literally, fuck her brains out. While she couldn't say that she wasn't enjoying it, this was not the plan. She had to maintain control.

Kenpachi heard her mumble something and before he got a chance to wonder why she thought she could talk with her mouth full of dick, he was being restrained again. His arms were pulled out straight to his sides. His chest rumbled with an animalistic sounding growl making Unohana smile smugly…well smile as much as she could under the circumstances. She rotated her hips on his muscular chest, smearing him with her juices. Her vision was blurred by tears and saliva covered almost every inch of her face. She thrust the massager deep inside of him as she sucked hard on just the head of his cock. A jolt of electricity shot through Kenpachi's body causing him to make a sound reminiscent of one of his battle cries. The room filled with yellow reiatsu as the spiked cock ring popped open, ripping the padlock in half, closely followed by the sound of him breaking the chains that restrained him.

"Shit." Before she could react, he had her waist and was pulling her moist opening to his lips, making him slide out of her mouth with a loud pop.

The pressure in the room was getting to the point that if she didn't counter it with her own, she wouldn't be able to breathe. Concealing her identity was beginning to take a back seat to just enjoying herself. She fought back. Trying to regain some type of control, she wrapped her arms around his toned thighs and pulled herself forward but was met with resistance from Kenpachi pulling her back to him. He darted his freakishly long tongue inside of her before getting a hold of her swollen nub and sucking hard, making Retsu let out a high pitched scream. She let go of his legs and clawed the floor. He continued to lick up the left and down the right of her wet folds and enjoyed feeling her body convulse each time he sucked on her. He reached up and tore the corset she was wearing clean off her body, freeing her breasts and in once swift movement picked her up by the waist and slammed her down on his rock hard cock.

"Captain Zaraki," she yelled coaxing a grin from the blindfolded man. He was big…too big.

Hearing himself called Captain during sex was oddly erotic. He wanted to see her but he would settle for just being able to feel her like this. He thrust into her as hard as he could trying to split her in half, enjoying her screams of pleasure mixed with a little pain. His pace was fast, and hard. If he had not been holding onto her waist he probably would have sent her flying through the roof. Kenpachi sat up, spinning her around to face him and roughly grabbed her full breasts as she clasped her hands behind his neck. Her breathing was ragged as he pinched and twisted her nipples.

"Unh…Captain," she moaned, driving Kenpachi even madder. He grabbed her flowing ponytail yanking her head back and bit her neck making her suck in a breath. He trailed his tongue to her ear, biting… nibbling on her earlobe before unceremoniously crashing their lips together in the most savage kiss she had ever had. She worked her hips on his cock as his tongue easily gained dominance over hers. Retsu could feel her release slowly building up inside of her. She squeezed herself around him making him break their kiss.

"Fuck…" Kenpachi yelled, realizing he didn't have a name to yell. "Woman!"

He released her hair pushing her back onto the floor. After lifting her legs onto his shoulders he stood…or squatted, supporting her back with his arms and cupping her shoulders with his hands. He then proceeded to plow into her with no remorse. She was hanging on for dear life.

"Cum for me, woman!" he commanded, continuing to slam into her.

In a moment of complete idiocy and blind lust Captain Unohana reached up and caressed the side of Kenpachi's face before grabbing the bottom strap of his eye patch and snatching it right from under the blindfold.

Unohana was forced to counter his crushing spiritual pressure by releasing the full force of her own.

Kenpachi laughed insanely. "You're my kind of woman," he yelled and pounded into her even harder; if that was even possible.

"Captain Zaraki…Unh," she yelled at the top of her lungs as she released. Feeling her release on his cock and convulsing in his arms sent him over the edge not to long after, literally blowing the roof off of Kenpachi's home. The mix of two of the strongest Captain's reiatsu proved to be too much for her barrier as well as half of the eleventh division. Barely able to stand, he slowly sat her down without a word and just stood there, making no move to remove the blindfold. Unohana quickly picked up her mask, slipping it over her head. She then took off his blindfold and returned his eye patch to him. She gathered up all her supplies including the video camera she'd hidden, and was about to shunpo off when she remembered her whole reason for being there.

She turned to the Captain of the eleventh squad who was watching her every move intently, "I have one last thing I need from you." She could hear people getting closer, probably coming to see why half the eleventh squad was blown to smithereens.

"Whatever you want," he said seriously.

"Five bells," she said.

"Bells?" he said in his gruff voice.

"Yes, the ones you usually wear in your hair…something to remember you by."

He grunted and mumbled something to himself before walking to his room to retrieve the bells. He quickly returned and placed the bells in her hand.

"Thank you Captain," she said with a slight incline of her head. "I'm sorry I can't stay to heal your wounds, but I'm sure you'll survive." With a flash of shunpo she was gone, and not a moment too soon. Right after she left, in rushed Yumichika, Ikkaku and Yachiru.

**-o0o-**

**SOOOOOO…. What'd ya think?**

**Before anyone says anything…I know I said I wasn't going to do any common pairings, but you gotta remember that Unohana made a deal with Yoruichi. Unohana got everyone to join the group and she got to pick who ever she wanted. Meaning that while she may have picked a name from the chest, she just said Kenpachi because that's who she wanted. I guess I could have had her pick someone random but…whatever. Her next time around will be totally at random though. **


	5. Photography

**Ok people, I'm sure once you see the pairing for this mission you're going to say, "WTF" so in an attempt to explain myself I've changed my avatar. That picture was the inspiration for this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

**A big thanks to my Beta, Mishiko Shinsei. You Rock!**

**-o0o-**

The group sat wide eyed and speechless as they watched the video of a disguised Captain Unohana and a very…excited Captain Zaraki. Isane passed out right after she watched her Captain invade the rectum of the eleventh division's fearless leader. Rukia and Nanao were getting their nosebleeds treated by the star of the film, and Kukaku, who was sharing a bowl of popcorn with Yoruichi and Rangiku, cackled loudly as she cheered the fourth squad Captain on.

Unfortunately, the video cut off a couple seconds after Unohana snatched Kenpachi's eye patch off. Luckily, that was basically the end anyway. Everyone's eyes stayed glued to the screen even after the screen went blue. Rangiku stood and hit the lights, then turned and stared into the mortified faces of more than half the women in the room.

"Retsu is _that_ bitch!" Kukaku blurted. Everyone winced at her calling the fourth squad Captain a bitch and looked to said captain to see her response. Thankfully, Unohana knew that coming from Kukaku, it was meant as a compliment. She smiled and bowed politely in thanks. The room collectively sighed in relief and faced forward giving Rangiku their undivided attention.

"So Captain, we've all seen the video, but were you able to complete your mission," Rangiku said looking to Unohana.

"Of course," the small Captain said as she stood. She walked to the front of the room stopping in front of the blonde woman. Grabbing Rangiku's hand, she reached in her pocket to retrieve the bells, and placed them in Rangiku's hand. "It was five, correct?" she said calmly.

Rangiku looked over to Yoruichi before both of them just shook their heads and laughed.

"You keep em'," Rangiku said, handing the bells back to Captain Unohana..

She gave Rangiku a warm smile, and then went back to her seat. It was hard to believe that this was the same woman they just watched do all those unspeakable things. None of them would ever look at her the same way again. The two leaders of the group had a new respect for the already esteemed Captain.

"Ok, well that was fun right?" Rangiku said looking at the still slightly dumbfounded group. No one uttered a word.

"Uh…ok well, it's funny that Captain Unohana decided to tape her… uh, adventure? Coincidentally, it goes hand-in-hand with this week's lesson which is 'A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words'. Now I'm sure we all know what that means and I'm sure we can all agree that the video we just watched showed us much more than the Captain could ever have told us. Now, since I enjoyed it so much, I've decided to make things a little more interesting. From now on, when you report back to us after your mission, you will bring pictures or a video. You can either have someone take your pictures or video for you, this person will be your 'accomplice', or you can do it yourself, as Captain Unohana has so marvelously done."

Moans and groans came from every corner of the room, but Rangiku simply ignored them.

"Ok now that that's over with, let's see whose turn it is this week. Rukia," she said looking at the list of names.

"Yay, Rukia," yelled Orihime as she bounced up and down in her chair, clapping her hands. Rukia frowned at the over excited human girl and slowly rose from her seat.

"Go on, Rukia," Orihime said pushing the smaller woman to move faster. "I'll cross my fingers and hope you get someone good like maybe Brad Pitt or maybe Captain Kuchiki, he's handsome."

"Incest much," Kukaku said under her breath. There was a collective sweat drop as the bubbly orange haired girl continued to push Rukia to the front. Orihime stood beside her for moral support and held up her crossed fingers for everyone to see. Rukia took a deep breath, closed her eyes and reached into the box, pulling out the first paper her fingers touched. She quickly handed it to Orihime.

"You open it, I can't do it," Rukia insisted.

"Oh, thank you, Rukia! I won't let you down!" Rukia's eye twitched as everyone else watched them in amusement. Orihime excitedly unfolded the paper and read the name to herself before she began jumping up and down again.

"Yay, Rukia! You got Mayuri Kurotsuchi! Isn't that great? I knew crossing my fingers would work."

Orihime's words fell on deaf ears because Rukia lay unconscious at the busty girl's feet. "Oh my gosh, Rukia!" she exclaimed, noticing her friend on the floor. She knelt down and cradled the Kuchiki princess in her arms. "She must be really excited," she said to the group, who for some reason all looked a little nauseous. "Who is Mayuri anyway," she asked no one in particular. Cue second collective sweat drop.

"You know. Creepy mad scientist guy with the face paint…Captain of the twelfth squad," Rangiku said, trying to jog the girl's memory. Orihime looked like she was going to hurt herself she was thinking so hard. Rangiku sighed. "His bankai is a gigantic worm baby looking thing...you know, with the poison."

"Ohhhh, Captain Kurotsuchi!" she exclaimed, as if that wasn't the same name she'd read off the paper.

Everyone in the room just stared at her with a blank expression. They had no words.

**Week 4: Rukia Kuchiki and Mayuri Kurotsuchi**

**Mission: A Picture is worth a Thousand Words – I'm too Sexy for my Make-up**

**Day 1**

Rukia stared blankly into her brother's koi pond and thought about jumping in head first. Was she being punished for something she'd done? First she was forced into joining the Secret Whore Society, and now she had to somehow get a picture of Captain Kurotsuchi without his make-up on. According to Nemu, the only time she would get a chance to do that was when he was bathing or asleep. To be quite honest she'd rather stick her zanpakuto up her ass, but she supposed she really had no choice in the matter. There was a reason everyone steered clear of the mad scientist. They didn't want to end up in a jar on one of his shelves. He gave her the creeps. She was strongly considering not doing the mission and just taking whatever the consequences were. They couldn't be that bad.

**Day 2 **

Rukia searched Rangiku's face for any sign that she was joking. The penalty for her not doing the mission was certainly not death. That was ridiculous and unreasonable.

"It's true," Rangiku said. "Yoruichi will bludgeon you to death in your sleep. Then afterward, she'll burn all your Chappy stuff."

The blood drained from Rukia's face. Not Chappy. This couldn't be happening. She politely excused herself before turning and running as far away from the Lieutenant as she could. Once she was out of sight Rangiku started laughing so hard she could barely stand. She supposed that was a pretty mean thing to tell the young Shinigami but she just couldn't resist. She really did feel sorry for her.

Rukia kept running until she reached the Kuchiki manor. She ran into her bedroom and did a perfect swan dive into her Chappy plushies. It calmed her down immediately.

She rolled onto her back and made herself comfortable. "This is silly. Yoruichi doesn't even know Chappy. She would never kill anything that cute and loveable…or would she?"

She didn't want to put her favorite bunny's life in danger just because she didn't want to do the stupid mission. It was just a picture after all. At least she didn't have to do what Captain Unohana had done, but then again Unohana really didn't have to take it as far as she did. Rukia began to blush just thinking about the video they'd seen. Although her nose had almost immediately begun to bleed, she found that she couldn't look away from the screen. It was lewd, disgusting and completely fascinating. Realizing there was no other alternative, she sighed and pulled herself away from the pile of stuffed animals. Orihime had practically begged to be her 'accomplice' so the two girls would have to come up with a plan. But first she needed a camera.

**Day 3**

Rukia and Orihime got to work immediately trying to come up with a plan. The Kuchiki princess was never one to procrastinate, even when it was something she really didn't want to do. After a number of completely idiotic suggestions from Orihime, they finally decided on something simple. Hopefully it would work. Nemu said the only time her Captain took the paint off was when he bathed or was going to bed so they would try catching him in his sleep first. Orihime volunteered her camera so thankfully Rukia hadn't had to purchase one. Once their plan was more or less finalized, the two parted, agreeing to meet up later in Orihime's room. Captain Ukitake, being the kind- hearted man that he was, allowed her to stay in the thirteenth squad's barracks whenever she was in the Soul Society.

Much later that night, Rukia went to meet her busty friend. When she arrived Orihime was waiting outside, instead of in her room as planned, talking to Captain Ukitake. Rukia smacked her palm to her forehead and shook her head. Her friend wore a black ninja outfit that left only her large brown eyes exposed and the camera hung around her neck. Despite her appearance, she was holding a leisurely conversation with the Captain who didn't appear to think anything was out of the ordinary. Then again this was Orihime she was talking about. The word "normal" probably wasn't even in her vocabulary.

Rukia approached the chatting pair, trying not to seem nervous.

"Ah, good evening Rukia," her Captain said. "Orihime was just telling me about you all's plans for the night."

Rukia froze and cut her eyes to her friend, who was no doubt smiling under the black mask, as Ukitake continued. "I've never heard of a pod person before, but they sound interesting."

Rukia looked at her Captain with a '_what the fuck'_ expression before being grabbed by Orihime.

"Come on Rukia," she said to her dark haired friend. "We really need to get going. Good bye, Captain Ukitake! Nice chatting with you!" she yelled over her shoulder as she started running, pulling a dumbstruck Rukia behind her.

They kept running until they reached Captain Kurotsuchi's living quarters. Rukia turned to Orihime and put her finger to her lips, signaling for her to keep quiet. Orihime nodded her head enthusiastically before doing a series of cartwheels and smashing her back against the wall of the house. _'Does she really think she's a ninja'_ Rukia thought, slightly regretting bringing her friend. They would surely be caught with her making so much noise. Rukia ran to catch up to the ninja.

"There's the window," Orihime said as she peeked around the corner of the building. "I'll give you a boost, and you look inside."

Rukia nodded her head as they both turned the corner. Orihime braced herself with her back against the wall, clasped her hands together and squatted. Rukia stepped into her friends hands and was lifted high off the ground.

"Can you see anything," Orihime whispered up to her in a strained voice.

"What the hell," Rukia whispered as loud as she could.

"What's wrong?"

"I think he painted his windows black. I can't see anythi…AHHHHHHH…" Both of them screamed as Orihime dropped Rukia and both women fell in a heap on the grass.

"Sorry," Orihime whispered from underneath Rukia's rear end.

"What is that racket," said the unmistakable voice of the twelfth division's Captain. The window above their heads opened and Orihime laid flat in the grass, pulling Rukia down beside her. _'Oh yeah we're really hiding now,'_ Rukia thought rolling her eyes. Fortunately the Captain didn't stick his head out so he didn't see them. Once they heard the window close again, they let out the breath they were holding.

"Now what," Orihime asked as she pulled the mask down around her neck freeing her flowing hair.

"Well I guess getting a picture through the window is out. I really don't want to try sneaking in there. He gives me the creeps, and I don't even want to think about what he'd do if he caught us." Her body shivered just thinking about it.

"Maybe he'd give us some candy," the bubblehead smiled.

"I'm sure," Rukia replied sarcastically. "Come on lets go back to your place. We can try again tomorrow."

Orihime nodded seriously as they got up, brushed themselves off, and headed back.

**Day 4**

"Ok, Orihime, this is the plan," Rukia said whipping out her notepad. "You're going to be the lookout while I sneak into Captain Kurotsuchi's room and plant the hidden camera. He should be in the lab along with most of the other twelfth squad members."

Orihime looked at the picture of the ninja bunny standing in front of a door while another bunny, dressed like a Shinigami, placed a stuffed animal on a table in what looked like the nether realm.

"The bunnies are going to give the Captain a gift?" Orihime asked, sounding strangely giddy.

"No. There's a camera hidden inside. We'll be sure to get a shot of him without that make-up on this way." Orihime's face was unreadable at she stared at the odd drawing a few more moments before looking up.

"Ok, let's go," Rukia said, tucking her notepad away.

"Don't we have to wait for the bunnies," Orihime asked obviously confused.

"There are no bunnies, Orihime…just us." Rukia failed miserably at trying to hide her frustration with her friend, but it went completely unnoticed by the orange haired girl.

"But you just said that bunnies were going to help us. Why would you say bunnies were coming if they really aren't?"

Rukia tried to control her twitching eye as she yanked Orihime by the arm and marched to Captain Kurotsuchi's.

It was surprisingly easy to get into the mad scientist's quarters. No one seemed to be around. She practically waltzed right in, but then again, who would be there? Most people avoided Mayuri like a leper. _'Better for us,'_ Rukia thought.She motioned for Orihime to stay on the outside of the house.

"If you see anything give me the signal ok?" Orihime nodded and Rukia turned, walking quickly into the Captain's home.

Thanks to the painted windows it was extremely dark inside, despite it being midday. Rukia had a good idea where his room was from the night before so she headed off in that direction and tried not to run into anything. Even in the dark she could make out some of the disturbing things Mayuri used to decorate and she tried her hardest to ignore it. The house was a lot larger than expected, but it appeared that most of it was underground. There were three separate doors she opened that revealed steps leading underground. Having no desire whatsoever to investigate, she moved on and found his room rather quickly. She stumbled around in the dark room looking for a good spot before something caught her eye.

On the right side of the room was a slightly open closet. Not that an open closet door was odd, but there was a red light coming from inside. Knowing Captain Kurotsuchi, it was a very large possibility that the devil was roasting marshmallows in there. Against her better judgment, she went over to the closet and pulled the door open.

"What the hell?"

Before Rukia could process what her eyes were seeing she heard a strange sound coming from outside, scaring her half to death. She jumped and on impulse snapped a picture of the inside of the closet before slamming the closet door closed.

"What the hell is that," she said as she went to peek down the dark hall that had led her to the bedroom.

"CaKAW…CaKAW!" The sound came again, but much louder than before.

It sounded like a dying ostrich, which was impossible since there were no ostriches in Soul Society.

"CaKAW, CaKAW…QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!"

'_Is that Orihime?' she thought, eyes wide._

Her question was answered when, what was obviously a whole barnyard full of farm animals, started making noises.

"Crap. Someone must be coming." In a panic Rukia turned the camera to video mode, threw the stuffed animal onto a table in the corner and ran down the hall, reaching Orihime just as she changed into a sheep. She barreled into her friend almost knocking her over, grabbed her hand and ran to take cover behind a nearby tree. She put her back against the trunk of the tree and tried to catch her breath.

"He has a fucking shrine," she said between breaths. "In his closet…a shrine…Urahara."

"Who are we hiding from," Orihime whispered, obviously not grasping the seriousness of what she'd just said.

"Whoever was coming. Good thing they didn't see us," she said thrusting the camera into her friend's hand.

"Nobody was coming," Orihime said absently as she stared at the picture. "Oh my goodness, Captain Urahara is a God?"

"What? No," she said rolling her eyes. He's obviously obsessed with him. You should see it in real life. It's crazy…wait, what do you mean nobody was coming," she said completely forgetting about the memorial she'd seen in Mayuri's closet. "What was all that noise about? I thought that was the signal."

"You said give you the signal if I saw anything, but then I realized that I didn't know what the signal was, and I couldn't come ask you because you said to stay outside. It was alright at first, but then I saw some birds, then some more birds. Then, I saw someone in the distance. It was so many things…I'm glad you came out when you did. I would have lost my voice. But I just made the first noises I could think of until you finally showed up. So did you find a good spot for the camera?"

The nerve on Rukia's temple throbbed dangerously as she just stared through the trees at Mayuri's residence. She thought about the haphazard way she'd thrown the camera on that table before darting out of the house. She let out a yell of frustration before disappearing in a flash of shunpo leaving a confused Orihime behind.

**Day 5**

Rukia was pissed. Earlier she'd gone back to Captain Kurotsuchi's, without Orihime, to retrieve the camera. Just as she'd expected there were hours and hours of really awesome footage of absolutely nothing. His bedroom was too dark for the camera to pick up much of anything and even if it had, it had been facing the ceiling anyway. When she returned Orihime was waiting to tell her that Rangiku had decided it was the perfect day to have a movie night…a mandatory movie night to be exact. She could think of approximately a million other things she'd rather do. Although the Society was proving to be a lot more entertaining and informative than she'd ever expected it to be, Kukaku made her nervous and, honestly, so did Yoruichi. If possible, she would like to spend as little time as possible with the deranged group of women.

Plopping down on her bed she closed her eyes and tried to forget about the stupid mission for just a couple hours. She desperately needed to get some sleep. There was no reason for her to be losing sleep over anything having to do with that stupid Society, which was exactly what she had been doing. Just as she began to relax, someone grabbed her shoulders and began shaking her like a rag doll.

"Rukia wake up it's time to go. Do you wanna make us late?"

She opened her eyes as she batted Orihime off of her. How the hell could it possibly be time to go?

"It's still morning," she grumbled. "I thought you said it wasn't until tonight."

"It is night, silly. You've slept the entire day."

Rukia rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and looked out of her window. "I must have been sleepier than I thought," she said. She frowned when she finally turned to her friend, "Why are you wearing pajamas?"

"Because that's what you wear to a pajama party…duh."

"Pajama party! I'm not wearing pajamas." She quickly got up and began pacing around the room going on and on about the pajamas she wasn't going to wear. Orihime sighed and looked at her watch. There was no use arguing with the small Shinigami. Orihime turned without saying a word and began to walk out of Rukia's room.

"Hey." Rukia jumped forward grabbing her friends arm. "Where are you going?"

"To the party. I don't wanna find out what happens if you don't show up. You can stay here if you want. I'll tell Yoruichi and Rangiku that you didn't want to come. See you later…well if they don't kill you I will."

**-o0o-**

"What's **The Sweetest Thing**," Rukia asked.

"We're all about to find out," Rangiku said as she popped in the DVD. "Everyone have their mandatory drink?" Her eyes scanned the room making sure everyone had a cup and then took a seat on the floor. Instead of the usual chairs that were set up when they had their meetings, a sea of multicolored pillows and blankets covered the floor. It was just like a slumber party which was exactly what Rangiku was going for. Rukia had to admit it was a pretty cozy set up and she was much more comfortable in her pajamas.

There was a soft knock at the door that nearly went unheard over all the chatter.

"Someone's at the door," Nanao yelled. "It must be Lisa. She's the only one missing."

Rangiku took her time walking to the door and slid open the window. Before she could ask for the password Lisa blurted - "penis, penis penis…come on, hurry up…open the door she's coming."

"Who's coming," Rangiku asked as she opened the door entirely to slow.

Lisa barreled through the door knocking Rangiku over.

"What the hell, Lisa?" Rangiku yelled as she steadied her cup (real drinkers never spill).

Lisa turned and attempted to slam the door closed just as a green haired woman dressed in white blocked her way.

"Mashiro?" Rangiku said in surprise.

"I tried to out run her,' said the black haired visored. "I even wandered around for a while trying to lose her but she just kept following me."

"Awwwwwwwww…you're having a slumber party and you didn't invite me." Mashiro whined and dropped to the floor, commencing a full blown tantrum.

Rangiku grabbed her arm and drug her inside allowing Lisa to close the door. Yoruichi jumped on top of the green haired woman, straddling her stomach, and put a hand over her mouth. With her cries momentarily muffled and her arms pinned down at her sides, Mashiro momentarily gave up and looked up at Yoruichi.

"So what do we do now that she knows? They'll be no keeping her away after this," Yoruichi said. Rangiku nodded her head in agreement. "I could just kill her and dump her somewhere," she continued with an evil smirk. Mashiro's eyes grew wide and she immediately began to struggle again.

"Captain Shihoin, you really shouldn't kid around like that. People might thing you're serious," a voice said from across the room. It was Retsu, with her kind smile.

"Who says I'm kidding," she said looking down at Mashiro and wagging her eyebrows.

"Well, I guess we could let her join, but she'll definitely have to prove herself. I mean there was a reason she wasn't invited to join in the first place. Of course it wasn't that I didn't think she had what it took as much as the fact that she annoys the fuck out of me," Rangiku said looking down at the struggling woman. "I really don't think we have a choice at this point."

Yoruichi looked down at their possible new recruit, "If you shut up, I'll get off you." Mashiro stopped struggling and locked her hazel eyes on Yoruichi's face. "We have a deal," Yoruichi asked.

Mashiro's eyes darted around the room briefly taking in all the faces for the first time, and then cautiously nodded her head. Yoruichi slowly removed her hand from the woman's mouth and stood. Mashiro took the hand that the golden eyed Captain offered her and pulled herself up. All eyes were on her and she suddenly felt like running for the hills.

"Ok, here's the deal," said Yoruichi, "if you want into our little Society you're gonna have to prove yourself."

"Society? What do you do?"

"Fuck," Kukaku answered.

Rukia gasped at her crude answer, right along with everyone else in the room. Mashiro raised her eyebrow in question. Surely she was joking. As if she'd read her mind Yoruichi continued, "We are the Shinigami Women's Secret Society. We meet once a week and spend our time getting to know each other better and uhh…learning new things. We just want everyone to be able to open up and have some fun…not be so serious all the time. We encourage every member to forge relationships with others in the Seireitei as well—"

"Yea, by fucking them," Kukaku interjected. Then she turned to Yoruichi with a smirk, "You're so full of shit."

All eyes were on Mashiro as she seemed to be mulling over what she'd been told. "Weeeell," she started in her whiny voice, "I can think of a couple people I'd like to 'open up' to, but the only thing I want to forge a relationship is Toshiro's dick."

Every jaw in the room was on the floor…even Kukaku's. "Oh shit!" she exclaimed. Rangiku was the first to recover.

"Do you want to sit upon his frozen heavens?" the blonde Lieutenant grinned.

The room erupted in laughter…even Mashiro.

"Well I want to sit on somebody's something. Maybe Captain Kyoraku…he just makes me wanna—mmmm…or better yet him and Starrk together. I wonder who's bigger—"

"You're in," Rangiku interrupted. She didn't need to hear any more. She would fit in perfectly.

Rukia couldn't believe the exchange she'd just witnessed. She was beginning to see that this sort of general insanity and complete lack of formality was what defined this group. Between living with her brother and being a Soul Reaper, there were definitely enough rules and regulations in her life. Smiling to herself as everyone finally began to settle down to watch the movie, she knew that no matter what she did or said with this group of women, no one would judge her. With them she was completely free to do and say whatever was on her mind. She downed her drink in one gulp and then turned to Orihime. "Tomorrow we're getting that picture."

Her friend nodded just as the movie started.

**Day 6**

Rukia had her first hangover, and surprisingly she enjoyed the hell out of it.

**Day 7**

When Orihime met Rukia outside of Mayuri's home it was so early even the Gods weren't awake yet. The plan was to catch him before he was able to put the paint on. Rukia was going to sneak in the front while Orihime made a ruckus outside. They were banking on him getting up to look out the window like he did the first time they'd come.

"Ok, Orihime, you count to ten then do whatever you have to do to get Captain Kurotsuchi to get out of bed."

Her friend smiled at her and nodded.

"Ok, go."

Rukia flash stepped around to the front of the house and easily picked the lock. She was surprised he didn't booby-trap the door, but I guess intruders were never something he had to worry about. Everyone was scared shitless of him. Her heart was beating out of her chest as she crept down the long hallway to his bedroom. Halfway down, she heard Orihime scream bloody murder outside. _'Well if that doesn't get him up I don't know what will,'_ she thought. When she reached his half closed door, she stood as quiet as possible and waited. Orihime had switched from screaming to the barn animals. It would only be a matter of time before he'd be forced to get up. She only hoped that the whole Seireitei didn't wake up as well.

"What is all that racket," said the familiar voice of the twelfth squad Captain.

Rukia prepared to make a run for it. She couldn't risk being seen or Gods only knew what he'd do to her. Orihime was now mooing like a cow. _'I hope she doesn't run out of animals,'_ she thought. Rukia heard what sounded like him stretching then in a tired voice he said, "My my, it seems someone wants to die in the wee hours of the morning. I suppose it's my duty to assist them."

There was a slight creak of a door, a closet maybe…making Rukia remember what she'd seen the last time she'd been there. Making a note to tell the group of her findings at the next meeting, she leaned in a little closer to the door. There was a loud squeal from outside…a pig maybe, then she heard it. The window slid open and Rukia wasted no time tipping into the room, camera ready.

Rukia froze. _'What the fuck!'_

Another shriek from outside snapped Rukia out of her stupor. She fumbled with the camera for a moment before snapping the picture and flash stepping out of the room before Mayuri could realize what had happened. She met Orihime in the trees they'd hid in before. She was still visibly rattled but Orihime was so eager to see the picture she didn't notice. Snatching the camera from Rukia, she crouched down and scrolled to the last picture taken. _'Maybe I didn't really see what I thought I saw. It was dark and I was moving pretty fast.'_

Orihime interrupted her thoughts, "Aww Rukia your finger was in the way. You didn't get it. What are we gonna do now?"

"Are you shitting me? Fuck!" She sighed and plopped down on the ground beside her friend. "This is my last chance. Tomorrow is the meeting." The two girls sat in silence for a moment seemingly both trying to come up with a plan. Rukia stood and dusted herself off.

"Let's go," she said over her shoulder to Orihime. "There's only one way I can get it now."

Rukia checked the time. Captain Kurotsuchi usually went to his lab around nine. God only knew how long it took him to put on that damned paint, but she was going to have to take her chances. She walked into the house with Orihime close behind and was glad to hear that the shower was running.

"I can't believe I'm going to do this," she said, more to herself than to Orihime.

They made their way down the dark hall until they reached his room. Rukia poked her head inside before walking in and heading for the bathroom. The door was cracked letting the steam escape into the rest of the house. It was as large as, if not larger than, his bedroom. A long narrow sitting room led into a huge, sparkling, white bathroom.

"Oh my—," Orihime slapped her hand over her mouth, not to keep herself from talking, but to keep herself from drooling all over Rukia's back. At that moment Rukia knew that she had not been hallucinating when she'd come in earlier. Both girls became instantly moist, the steam making them even more hot and bothered.

"Are you sure this is the right house," Orihime asked taking the words right out of Rukia's mouth.

There was no possible way the man in the glass shower at the far end of the bathroom could possibly have been Captain Kurotsuchi. There was just no way in hell. His five foot eight frame boasted surprisingly well-defined muscles. A number of scars, that were probably self inflicted, adorned his lightly bronzed skin. The golden knobs that replaced his ears and the blue hair he was currently running his fingers through, were the only indication of his true identity. His back was arched and his head was tilted upwards letting the water beat down on his face.

"Fuck me," Rukia said feeling no shame whatsoever. She glanced down at her 'Bossy' bracelet for the first time owning it. She elbowed Orihime, knocking the girl out of her trance and snapped a couple pictures. _'Who would have fucking thought'_ Rukia thought. Mayuri was totally fuckable. Under all that paint and crazy was bona fide sexy piece of man candy. What a waste.

After taking the pictures the two of them couldn't tear themselves away.

"Wouldn't it be nice if he turned around," Orihime whispered in Rukia's ear. Rukia's head snapped towards her friend with a shocked look on her face. Or course it would be nice; it would be fucking Christmas in July! As a matter of fact, she couldn't remember the last time she'd wanted something more, but _Orihime_ wasn't supposed to be the one to say it.

"What?" Orihime shrugged. "I'm not blind you know."

"Well, I know, but…it's just that it's…you." Orihime shrugged and they both turned to continue watching.

Just as they let out a simultaneous dreamy sigh Mayuri turned slightly, his eyes still closed, to reach for a bottle of shampoo. As the two watched everything seemed to move in slow motion. Their eyes slowly widened as their mouths opened expectantly.

"Victory is mine!" Orihime yelled. Rukia couldn't snatch her out of there fast enough.

**-o0o-**

**For anyone who hasn't seen **_**The Sweetest Thing**_** do yourself a favor and see it. It's hilarious…well it is to me anyway, and it will be reference more later on.**


	6. The Art of Seduction

**Ok, here we go. It's been a while since my last update so this chapter is EXTRA long. This pairing is the courtesy of ****Notchka.**** Thanks for the idea.**

**This chapter was beta'd by Tomas the Betrayer. He's kind of like a big deal. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing…of course**

**Now on with the show.**

"What the…?" Yoruichi snatched the camera from Rukia's hand and all but smashed her face against the small screen. The others scrambled to get a look.

"I can't seeeee," whined Mashiro.

Kukaku reached in, attempting to take the camera away from Yoruichi, but her hand was smacked away.

"Come on, Yo, stop fucking around," the Shiba heiress demanded. Yoruichi looked down at the camera one last time, shook her head in disbelief and handed it to Nemu.

"Set it up," she said, and within minutes the camera was connected to the projector screen they had stolen…er, borrowed from Kisuke. The first picture came up and there was a collective gasp. It was a perfect profile picture.

"Holy shit, Kukaku yelled, scooting her chair closer to the screen.

"Holy shit is right," Lisa agreed quietly.

The rest of the group nodded their heads absentmindedly. They were entranced by the sexy scientist slideshow. Not a single word was spoken until the picture that Rukia had almost completely forgotten about popped up.

"What the…stop it here!" When the image instead switched to some mortal schoolgirls making funny faces Yoruichi spun around in exasperation. "Nemu!"

"My apologies, Lady Yoruichi," the lieutenant said absently. She thought she knew everything there was to know about her father…captain, whatever. Not that she cared what or who he did. It was just that she thought he hated his former captain. Oh well, next picture…

"NEMU!" the whole group exclaimed in unison as a shot of Orihime being hugged by a redhead in glasses came up.

Startled out of her reverie, Nemu jumped then fumbled with the camera for a moment before she went back to the picture of the shrine. She watched as Yoruichi walked toward the screen with her mouth hanging open. "Where is this?" the noblewoman asked no one in particular.

"I saw it in Captain Kurotsuchi's closet," Rukia piped up. "Crazy, right? What do you think it means?"

"It means that for once _he_ wants to be someone's specimen," Kukaku told the group. "And with a body like that he just might get his wish. Kisuke's a sick fuck."

"No matter what he looks like he's still a freak. I couldn't imagine him having sex…with anyone. Even I'm not that curious," Lisa joked.

"He is not as averse to sexual intercourse as you all suppose," Nemu stated casually.

The room went completely silent. Every eye was on the Twelfth Squad lieutenant.

"How do you know that," the spectacled visored asked.

Briefly glancing around at the curious faces around her, she continued.

"Extensive observation and research."

"What do you mean extensive observation and research," Isane finally spoke up, unable to hold her tongue any longer. She swallowed hard and looked around the room at the unreadable faces. No one even blinked, afraid of what the answer would be.

Before Nemu could respond Yoruichi stood abruptly. "Ok, that's enough," she said, holding her hand up. "All of you sit down. We have a lot to do, so unless you wanna be in here all night…shut up."

As everyone shuffled to their seats Yoruichi called Mashiro up to the front to take the oath, making her a bona fide member of the Society. She was given a white gold necklace with the word _'Spoiled' _on it, and became so excited upon receiving the gift that they practically had to strap her to her seat. The floor was turned over to Rangiku to begin the lesson, but before she could even get started she was interrupted by a boisterous Kukaku.

"Whose turn is it this week?"

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot." Rangiku looked to Yoruichi for assistance.

"Nel," Youruichi called out after a few moments of rummaging through stacks of paper.

"Ok, Nel, you heard your captain," Ran said with a smirk, "Get up here and pick a name."

"I hope you get old Yamamoto," Kukaku teased as the former _Espada _made her way to the front.

"Shut up, you dummy," Nel replied casually as she dug her hand in the small chest and felt around, "or I'll go _resurreccion _on you and stick my hoof up your ass." She pulled out a small piece of paper and read the name. "Ooo, Byakuya. YESSSSSSSSS!"

She did a little jig across the floor, ignoring the cries of protest coming from all around the room.

"That's not fair!" wailed Mashiro, and surprisingly, Nanao.

"It seems Captain Kuchiki has a bit of a fan club," Unohana noted with a smile.

"Good luck," said Kukaku. "He's so stiff… and not in a good way. _If_ he even lets you near him the most action you'll see is at one of those calligraphy meetings."

Nel stopped her dance abruptly as the truth of what Kukaku said hit her. This was Byakuya they were talking about. Yes, he was quite possibly the most beautiful person she had ever seen. He's so fine with that kiss-my-ass expression that you almost want to tell him to turn around and drop his hakama so that you could oblige him. He makes you want to slap every other man you see for having the audacity to not look like him, and the worst part is…_he knows it_.

"Damn," Nel said crossing her arms over her chest and stewing on the seemingly insolvable issue.

"Yup. _Damn_ is right. So dance your little ass right back to your seat," Kukaku said with a grin.

"Ok, well, that was fun," Rangiku loudly drew everyone's attention away from the pouting Nel.

"This week we'll be learning about the Art of Seduction."

**Week 5: Neliel Tu Odelschwanck and Byakuya Kuchiki**

**Mission: The Art of Seduction – Byakuya's Pride**

**Day 1**

"Why did I have to get Byakuya?" Nel complained as she hammered back her fourth drink. The female foursome was at Kukaku's for their regularly scheduled debauchery. They decided to pass on the bar tonight, not wanting to risk being attacked by Chuck Norris again or having nameless sex with questionably gay men. If they got too drunk they could all pass out and be perfectly safe.

"I mean, don't get me wrong… he's sexy even with that accordion thing in his hair, and his voice makes me wanna sit on his—"

"NEL!" Yoruichi interrupted, throwing a pillow at her lieutenant's face. Kukaku's boisterous laugh filled the room as she fell over onto the floor. "I was going to say his _pride_," Nel slurred with a smirk, tossing the pillow back at her commanding officer.

"What's so funny?" Rangiku asked, returning from her hundredth trip to the bathroom.

"Nel wants to sit on Byakuya's pride!" Another pillow was launched across the room and nailed Kukaku right in the face. She glared at Yoruichi who just smirked at her in return.

"That doesn't sound like such a bad idea," the blonde beauty joked. "I mean think about it, it's gotta be huge."

"His cock?" Nel questioned.

"No. His pride. Isn't that what we were talking about?" Rangiku gave Nel a knowing look then plopped down on the floor.

Nel quickly scrambled up and put on an 'I'm-disgusted-with-you-and-you-smell-like-shit-oh-yeah-BANKAI' look on her face. "I must be an arrogant prick, my pride demands it," the arrancar intoned in a fair approximation of the Kuchiki lord. They all burst out laughing.

"That is sooooo Byakuya," Yoruichi said, clutching her sides.

Nel changed expressions again, dropping her voice a couple octaves, "Lie on your back. I must enter you. My pride demands it." They all laughed again. "I can't even imagine him having sex. He probably has noble, aristocratic, missionary position sex. Don't even think about changing positions…pleasure and excitement is not allowed."

"Yea, I'm pretty sure he's unseducable. I mean… I've never seen his facial expression change…like ever. It's gonna be pretty hard to seduce him while he's scowling at you like that." Rangiku paused to sip her drink then continued. "If you pull this off you'll go down in the seductress hall of fame or something."

The other women nodded in agreement and promptly began concocting a plan to subdue and ultimately rape Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi, leaving Nel alone to figure out how to simply seduce the Noble Captain Kuchiki.

**Day 2**

Byakuya eyed each member of the committee he'd been placed in charge of. His lieutenant sat to his left, the only other sane person there, while to his left, the brute Kenpachi Zaraki loomed. Lieutenant Odelschwanck the former third Espada was next to her demon cat of a captain, Yoruichi Shihoin. Beside Yoruchi sat Coyote Starrk, the lazy Ninth Squad lieutenant and former Primera Espada. That idiotic genius Kisuke Urahara and Ichigo Kurosaki the former substitute shinigami, saviors of the Soul Society, were present, as well as the leader of the Visoreds, Shinji Hirako. Head Captain Yamamoto had become paranoid in the months following the war. Any sign of hollow activity and he wanted it investigated. Better safe than sorry, Byakuya supposed, but he was really in no mood for the group's foolishness. They all knew they were only meeting to put the Head Captain's mind at ease. Captain Urahara and Lieutenant Kurosaki had already gone to the human world and determined there was no threat. Though he had to admit that they would be a formidable group should any real peril present itself.

"It's so boring around here lately I'm gonna lose my mind if nothing happens soon," Ichigo said, resting his chin on his fist. "I was praying we found something when we went to the human world the other day."

"You'd rather fight a hollow than me? What kind of pussy shit is that!" Kenpachi grumbled.

Byakuya was about to point out to Captain Zaraki that there were ladies present just as Yoruichi pulled a bottle of saké out of her robe. At the same time, Nel produced cups from her cleavage, enough for everyone.

"Do you have a cabinet in there?" Kisuke quipped.

"Feel free to rummage around in my junk, Captain" she shot back.

'_Ladies indeed,'_ Byakuya thought.

They would have to be there no less than an hour for it to appear they'd had a meeting of any importance. Byakuya rolled his eyes and checked the time. Only fifteen minutes had passed. This would be the longest hour of his life. He watched as Lieutenant Schiffer put his hand over his cup and shook his head, and _almost_ smirked when Yoruichi poured the drink all over the top of his hand. Byakuya decided he would not make the same mistake. He simply wouldn't drink whatever was given to him. After everyone's cup was filled Ichigo continued arguing with Kenpachi.

"I'm sick of fighting you. You almost kill me every time we fight. What kind of psycho shit is that…we're on the same side! You can't possibly tell me you're not tired of trying to murder me, Ikkaku and Grimm."

"Bitch, bitch, bitch!" Kenpachi shrugged and downed his drink in one gulp. "I've got better things to do than play around with you little shits anyway," he said as Yoruichi gave him a refill.

"I bet you do," Nel mumbled, sharing a knowing smirk with Yoruichi.

"What was that?" Kisuke leaned forward to look at Nel.

"Huh…nothing," she said, attempting to look innocent and failing miserably.

Byakuya was almost managing to tune out the foolish chatter around him when he felt someone's foot touch his. He was about to dismiss it as a mistake, but then said foot traveled halfway up his shin. Who was responsible for this outrage? He pulled his leg back and studied every face at the round table through slitted eyes.

Except for his lieutenant they all seemed to be more interested in staring at Starrk sleep than rubbing his foot. He peeked under the table and Ulquiorra gave him a questioning glance, but before he could say anything a loud bang grabbed their attention. Yoruichi had knocked Starrk's arm, which he'd been using as a pillow, from under his chin, sending his head crashing onto the table. The Primera glared sleepily at her, rubbing his head, then slid his chair closer to Kisuke and began using his shoulder as a head cushion. The glare he received from Ichigo and Shinji did not go unnoticed by Yoruichi.

Byakuya was just about to turn to his lieutenant and comment on how looking at Shinji' s teeth made him want to give him a bale of hay when he felt it again. The foot…it made circles on the top of his own then moved up towards his knee. His body stiffened and he looked around at the group. It was Kisuke. He was sure of it. The blonde man was staring directly at him with a lazy smirk on his face. Well, at least he thought he was looking directly at him. He couldn't see his eyes under that damned hat, but Byakuya felt certain he had found his target. He watched as Kisuke took a drink from his cup and continued looking in his direction.

"Captain Kuchiki, would you like some candy?"

Kisuke finally said, producing a sucker from his sleeve and bringing their staring contest to an end.

All the while the unidentified foot was running up and down his leg and he was struggling to remain calm. He clenched his teeth together so hard it was a surprise his teeth didn't shatter. Ignoring the lollipop that was being offered to him Byakuya concentrated on the foot that was now working its way between his thighs. He placed one of his hands on his lap, preparing to break Kisuke's foot off if he came any higher, and traced the rim of his cup with the other.

"Umpfff." Coyote Starrk hit the floor with a dull thud, and the foot between Byakuya's legs disappeared once again. Ichigo had yanked Kisuke's chair closer to himself, pulling Starrk's head rest right from under him. The now fully awake and clearly annoyed Espada stood and Byakuya heard the rumble in the man's chest. Shinji rose to back up Ichigo and Kisuke joined in to keep the situation from escalating.

"No need to fight. There's more than enough of me to go around." Kisuke's smirk was knocked right off his face when Ichigo socked the shit out of him.

"Shut up, you perv."

Beside Byakuya, Ulquiorra slowly clenched his hand tightly around his cup, and his eyes narrowed to slits. Of course this went unnoticed by the rest of the group but Byakuya knew his Second Seat. He might as well have flipped the table and let out a blood-curdling battle cry. Byakuya never could understand the strange allure that Kisuke possessed but it had always been that way. Even Aizen, who clearly abhorred the man, seemed to be oddly infatuated with him.

"You should kick his ass for that, blondie," Kenpachi slammed his cup down on the table.

As if this comment was a green flag on their adrenaline, a small battle broke out in the empty space behind where Kisuke sat. Ichigo jumped on Kenpachi, who was grinning like the fool he was, and attempted to beat the spikes out of his hair. Shinji had his enormous incisors locked in Coyote's arm as the howling hollow pounded furiously on his skull with his one free hand. Yoruichi whooped excitedly while her partner egged the tussling pairs on.

Checking the clock again Byakuya shifted in his seat. Kisuke seemed to be staring at him once more, a lazy smile on his face despite the insanity happening behind him. The nobleman sighed and looked away but a few seconds later he found himself staring right back at the genius in the hat. Right then the errant foot moved back onto his leg. Byakuya couldn't take it anymore. He had to say something.

"Is there a problem, Captain Urahara?" he demanded in an arrogant tone.

"None, Captain Kuchiki…are _you_ alright?" Kisuke asked, his lips curving into a mischievous grin. As the words left his mouth, Byakuya felt a sudden tingling sensation in his groin and his cock twitched ever so slightly. His composed front stayed intact, but he felt like he'd just had a big cup of What-The-Fuck, and just because the universe hated him, the wandering foot landed directly on his manhood. Unable to keep it together a moment longer he wrapped his hand around Kisuke's ankle and yanked hard.

"Ahhhhh!"

Nel disappeared under the table with a screech. Ulquiorra spit his drink and attempted to disguise his laughter as a simple cough. Everyone in the room froze, even Kenpachi and Ichigo, a dumbfounded look plastered on all their faces. Byakuya gazed around, noting the slight smirk on Kisuke's face, knowing exactly how he looked with Nel's foot in his hand. He calmly released her ankle, picked up the cup he'd been babysitting and drank it all.

"Shall we go, Lieutenant Schiffer?"

Ulquiorra stood in one majestic motion and they both seemingly glided out of the room. With their backs to the group, no one saw the smiles that crept onto both of their faces. "You lose," Byakuya whispered to his officer.

**Day 3**

"So then he grabs her ankle and yanks her right under the table." Yoruichi could hardly breathe for laughing as she tried to recount what happened at the meeting the day before.

Kukaku and Rangiku howled right along with her as Nel glared at them. "It's not funny. I hit my head on the chair." They just laughed harder. Yoruichi fell out of her seat and rolled under her desk.

Their hilarity was interrupted by a baritone voice. "What's so funny?"

Yoruichi banged her head on her desk as she stood to see who dared enter her office without permission (and scared the shit out of her). Three heads snapped around to see Kisuke standing in the doorway. They hadn't even heard him come in.

"Oh, it's just you," Yoruichi sank back down when she saw her best friend. "I was just telling Rangiku and Kukaku about Byakuya pulling Nel under the table." She stifled a chuckle.

"Yes, that was odd, wasn't it? What exactly were you doing, Lieutenant?" he asked Nel, raised eyebrow hidden by his hat.

"Oh, you know…nothing out of the ordinary," she answered. Neliel looked from Kisuke to Yoruichi and back again. The silence was deafening and all eyes were on her, making the normally capable warrior feel like an idiot. There was only one thing to do in this situation. She took one last glance at her captain before abruptly running out of her office, almost knocking Kisuke down.

Nel didn't stop running until she literally ran into Captain Kurotsuchi.

"What in blue blazes...?"

She fell back on her butt as the captain spun around, already complaining about stupid arrancar. Despite all the incredibly insane things he was saying, Nel heard nothing. She stared up into his black and white painted face as he looked down on her with a disgusted look, and surprisingly all she could think of were the pictures of him in the shower. When she made no attempt to get up or say anything Captain Kurotsuchi became even more annoyed.

"Since you can't seem to talk, maybe I'll just take you back to my lab? I'm sure I could get you to open up there…maybe even scream. There are many activities we could engage in since you seem to enjoy my company so much. The possibilities are practically endless. I promise I'll be gentle…well, as gentle as possible, anyway."

Mayuri watched with great satisfaction as the hazel-eyed arrancar's eyes widened in apparent horror. As for Nel, she couldn't believe her luck. Of course she was supposed to be seducing Captain Kuchiki but nothing was coming out of that and everyone knew it. She could do that later. Time for a side project. And extra credit!

"Hell yeah, freak show! Let's go…oh, and don't worry about being gentle. I like it rough," she declared, standing upright and stepping into the mad scientist's personal space.

For the first time in his life Mayuri was confused. His mouth hung slightly open as he attempted to process what had just happened. Was she coming on to him? The idea was completely foreign in his experience. He was so completely dumbfounded that he didn't even notice Mashiro walk up.

"Nel, I gotta talk to you…in private," she said, cutting her eyes to Captain Kurotsuchi.

"I'm kinda busy right now," Nel replied under her breath, willing Mashiro to get the hint, which of course she didn't.

"Busy doing what?" the pipsqueak asked incredulously.

Nel rolled her eyes, realizing that Mashiro wasn't going to leave her alone. She turned to Captain Kurotsuchi and got close enough to kiss him. "I'm gonna have to take a rain check on our little rendezvous," she said in a voice that dripped with sensuality. "Maybe you can make me scream later tonight?" She winked at him before walking away with a speechless Mashiro following behind her.

It turned out that all Mashiro wanted was to be her accomplice. When asked why, she said she just wanted in on the action and that Captain Kuchiki was hot. Actually, some assistance sounded pretty good at this point. Nel had planned on asking her captain or Rangiku but was starting to think that wouldn't be such a good idea. They'd just make fun of her if something else happened like the footsy incident and she'd never get anything done. Perhaps it was better if she picked someone outside of her inner circle. Mashiro wouldn't have been her first choice, but the offer had been made. Hopefully the fact that she had the common sense of a wet rag wouldn't matter too much. Green-haired girls for victory!

Later that night Nel and her accomplice sat in her room brainstorming…well, for Mashiro it was probably more like a slight drizzle. But any rain in the Sahara is always abundant by comparison.

"Maybe I can ask him out to discuss battle tactics like Sui-Feng did to Ulquiorra?" Neliel mused. "But he probably won't want to get near me after what happened at the meeting the other day."

Her eager-beaver accomplice brightened with sudden inspiration. "Why don't you go over to his office with nothing but a robe on? He may be an arrogant prick but he's still a man. You'll see."

Nel looked at Mashiro for a moment thinking, _'What a dumb idea'_, but the more she thought about it the more she liked it. The plan was so simple it just might work.

"Ok, grab the camera," she told Mashiro. "Let's try it. You can record from outside his window."

Mashiro grinned mischievously, nodded and jumped to her feet.

-o0o-

When they arrived at the Sixth Squad barracks, Captain Kuchiki was nowhere in sight. Nel slipped into his office leaving Mashiro outside to keep watch. She looked around the spacious room taking note of a picture of a woman who looked like an older Rukia…same squid hair and everything. She remembered hearing that he had been married before but didn't know too much about it. _'Hmm, I guess he's not heartless after all,'_ she thought.

"Why are you in my office?" rumbled the all-too-familiar sexy voice. "Are you going to try to molest me again?"

Her heart jumped immediately to her throat. Spinning around, Nel found her target framed in the doorway, looking dangerously sexy (but mainly dangerous). "Shit," she said, too low for him to hear. _'Ok, this is what I came to do…don't chicken out.'_ Mashiro appeared outside the window to give her a thumbs-up before moving back out of sight. The steady ticking of the wall clock was deafening in the extremely uncomfortable silence. _'I can do this.'_

"Lieutenant Odelschwanck. I suggest you tell me your purpose now or leave."

Nel swore she could hear the hate in his voice. She took a deep breath and turned to face the completely gorgeous Captain Kuchiki.

"I came because I need your help," she replied, ignoring the comment about her trying to molest him. His eyes narrowed, but she wasn't backing down, not yet anyway. "I hear your calligraphy skills are unmatched." A little flattery couldn't hurt, right? He said nothing in response, but she was still alive so might as well continue. "I need your help with a couple symbols. It won't take long, I promise."

He continued to stare at her, not saying a word, but just when running away was looking like a great idea he nodded and said, "I'll gather my supplies," before disappearing into a back room.

Nel couldn't believe her luck. As soon as he was out of sight she ran over to the window. Her eyes darted around but couldn't locate Mashiro anywhere. She opened the frame and stuck her head out. "There you are," she whispered as loud as she could.

The green-haired Visored was lying flat on her back, hands clasped behind her head, directly under the window staring into space.

"What are you doing? Get up."

Mashiro stayed put. "I'm waiting for you two to stop pussyfooting and get it on. This is boring."

"Who are you talking to?" Byakuya asked as he reentered the room, almost scaring Nel half to death. She jumped so that her head hit the window.

"Owwww," she moaned, rubbing her skull helm. "Myself…I was talking to myself. I do it all the time."

Once she turned all the way back around she saw Captain Kuchiki didn't play around when it came to calligraphy. He'd brought out two different sets of brushes and a lot of colored paper. However, one very crucial component remained missing.

"Where's the ink?"

"Sit," he said, choosing to ignore the fact that she'd been holding a full-blown conversation with herself just a few seconds before, and that she had the audacity to question him.

The lieutenant obediently sat down across from him as he began to make fresh ink. Nel wasn't sure how long this grinding process would take and even though she was becoming impatient she knew better than to say anything. Glancing over at the window she spied Mashiro standing with hands on her hips glaring at her.

"What do you need?"

"Huh?" Nel whipped her head around. He was still grinding that ink stick but his eyes were focused on her. Seeing those slate gray orbs gazing at her so intently sent a chill through her body.

"My patience is running out, Lieutenant. Either you are going to take this seriously or you are going to leave."

"Bubbles," she said in what she hoped was a seductive voice.

"I don't have time for your games," he said, getting to his feet.

Nel stood as well. "I'm serious." She took a step closer to him, gently kicking some of the paper to the side. "I was thinking about getting a tattoo." She untied her robe and shook it off her shoulders letting it fall in a heap on the floor. With her ample breasts poked out as far as she could manage without breaking her back, she took two more steps then leaned forward so he could see her necklace.

She traced her collarbone with her finger. "See… Bubbles."

Byakuya had known something was amiss when this particular problem came to his office at such a late hour. After what happened at the meeting she was the last person he wanted to see. Unfortunately she knew his weakness. Calligraphy. He'd always had difficulties with the women in the Soul Society making fools of themselves over him, but this was much more extreme than anything that had ever happened before.

As he stared at what was quite possibly the most perfect set of breasts that he'd ever seen, words escaped him. What brought this on? He gazed into her beautiful hazel eyes and witnessed the panic slowly rise within her. Although she had disrobed in front of him, he did not blatantly look at her body. Not that he didn't want to, but no matter the situation he had morals and a reputation to maintain. Her eyes darted nervously around the room as she stepped back and wrapped her arms around herself. Neliel suddenly felt every bit as naked as she was. The motion pushed her breasts together and up into her neck making Byakuya immediately hard. He turned his head in an attempt to get himself together.

"You really are heartless," she said, more to herself than to him. The woman knelt down and picked up her robe, wrapping it around her shoulders. "I'll go since you find me so repulsive."

Byakuya turned and was surprisingly disappointed to see she had hidden her flawless body under the robe once more. He wanted to tell her she was wrong. Even if he did think she was a few cards short of a deck, she was by no means repulsive. The disappointed look on her face made him want to reach out and pull her into his arms, discarding that damned robe in the process. The urge to sweep everything off his desk and take her repeatedly on it was almost too great. His cock was throbbing to the point of pain. He turned away from her again. If he continued to look at her he would surely lose control, and that…was not acceptable.

"I think you should go," he said finally. But she was two steps ahead of him. He turned his head just as she exited his office.

Once alone Byakuya let out a breath he wasn't aware he was holding. He walked slowly behind his desk and dropped into the chair. "Fuck."

-o0o-

Mashiro met Nel outside of Captain Kuchiki's office. She'd seen and heard exactly what happened, thanks to Nel leaving the window open, so she knew the reason behind the other woman's long face.

"Don't worry about what that asshole said." Mashiro wasn't really good in these kinds of situations, but hell, she'd taken the oath and she'd meant every word. Nel was her sister now so if she was feeling down her little sister was sure as shit gonna do everything she could to make her feel better. "You know what I think? You should just make him suffer all the more for this. I mean, you are supposed to be seducing him, aren't you? No one said it would be easy. Besides, he might have fooled you, but not me. He wanted you. I could tell."

Nel had heard enough. An angry shake of her head brushed off the smaller girl's efforts. "What you saw was disgust! I'm so embarrassed. I might just take the consequences on this one. It's impossible."

"No, it's not. I know what I saw. You can't go by his face. That damned scowl is like his default expression. I actually think his face is stuck like that. Anyway, I saw that tent in his hakama. I zoomed in on it with the camera," she said, giggling. "Wanna see it?"

Nel's interest was piqued now. A second later she was staring at the proof. How had she not noticed something like that? Because she was too busy being a pussy, that's how. Mashiro was right. She could see how she missed it though. As loose as his clothes were it was well hidden, but it was definitely there. "You're such a perv."

"Thank you," Mashiro replied with a sly grin.

"He wants to play hard to get, fine. More fun for me." Nel affirmed with a new sense of purpose.

"And me!" The small sprite was all of a sudden super giddy. "So what's the plan?"

"I don't know yet, but meet me in my room tomorrow at noon, and bring the camera. I'll have something by then."

**Day 4**

Mashiro was surprisingly right on time.

"I'm in the bathroom. Just sit down anywhere. I gotta show you something," Nell called to her.

Mashiro closed the door behind her and did as she was told, taking a seat on the former Espada's bed. After a couple minutes had passed, Nel emerged from the bathroom completely nude with a huge grin on her face. "What do you think?"

Her houseguest stared blankly. "Uhhh, I think something's missing."

"Oh, right." Nel dashed back in the bathroom and grabbed her 'Bubbles' necklace off the sink. She always took it off when she showered.

"It was either that or some clothes," Mashiro said sarcastically.

"Tadaaaa!" Nel spread her arms wide and looked at Mashiro for approval.

"Nice rack," Mashiro said, not knowing what she was supposed to be looking at.

"No, dummy." She walked closer to her accomplice and pointed to her pubic hair. "Look. It's a 'K'."

Mashiro's jaw dropped as she saw that Nel had very skillfully shaved a 'K' in her privates.

"Ohhhhh-kaaaay." She wasn't following.

Nel pointed to a pen on the small desk in the corner of her room. "Now I need you to take that, and close in this '3' for me." She plopped onto her bed laying face down, exposing the large tattoo that covered her back.

"What do you mean, close it in?" Mashiro asked while picking up the pen.

"I mean," the sultry hollow propped herself up on her elbows, "make it into a 'B'."

"A 'B'?"

"Yeah. 'BK'…get it?"

"Burger King?" Mashiro asked, totally confused.

"No, you idiot, Byakuya Kuchiki."

Mashiro started to smirk. "Are you serious? Won't it smear when you put your clothes on?"

"It's henna so it should be fine." Nel pulled her hair over her shoulder and out of the way. "Now let's get this party started."

"Holy shit," her accomplice said before she burst out laughing. "That's classic. I gotta get a picture of this."

The finished product was everything Nel thought it would be. She only hoped it had the effect on Captain Kuchiki that she hoped it would. Now all she had to do was send a note to him saying that Yoruichi needed to speak with him about something urgent and to meet in her office later. Of course, when he got there her captain would be nowhere to be found, but _she_ would be.

Byakuya couldn't imagine what Yoruichi could possibly need to speak to him about, especially at this hour. At least he hadn't run into her lieutenant. After last night that was the last thing he wanted to do. What in the world had possessed her to approach him in such a way? Yet, now that he was standing in front of Yoruichi's office, he had to admit he was slightly frustrated that he hadn't seen her. _'This is nonsense. What's wrong with me? She doesn't matter to me in the slightest. Now let's get this over with.'_

_Knock-knock-knock._

"It's open, Captain," called a female voice.

Byakuya opened the door, having failed to notice that the person inviting him in was definitely NOT Yoruichi, who in addition would never have called him 'Captain'. There was no way he could have been prepared for what he saw upon entering the room. Yoruichi's desk had been cleared, and her lieutenant's naked body was sprawled seductively across it. Her head hung off the side, blue-green hair slightly brushing the floor with that ibex-bone helm her only concession to dress. One arm was back behind her head, seemingly tangled in her long locks. Her back was arched up in a graceful curve, taut nipples pointed toward the sky. One leg was draped over the side of the desk while the other was bent.

"Move your right leg a little over to the left. Perfect, now don't move."

He didn't even notice the green-haired Visored until she spoke. She was seated in a chair in the corner of the room with a sketch book almost covering her whole face. He could hear the gentle scratching of her pencil on the paper. Neither of them so much as glanced in his direction, which was just fine with him because otherwise there would be no way they could miss the massive erection he was sporting. He should have just backed out slowly. They wouldn't have known he was ever there, but he couldn't move. Couldn't turn away from the sight in front of him, and definitely couldn't speak. He traced over every inch of her perfect frame with his eyes. He wanted her breasts in his hands and his cock in her…

"Hey. You're not Captain Yoruichi." Mashiro had decided it was time someone said something. She was tired of playing tic-tac-toe with herself.

Byakuya cleared his throat, still not taking his eyes off the desk. Nel slowly lifted her head and turned to the door. "Oh, dear. This is so embarrassing. Mashiro, quick get me something to put on."

Mashiro placed her sketchbook face down on the desk, lest the captain see what she was really drawing, and exited the room. Their acting was terrible, but the fact that they were a tad too calm for something that really should have been a horrifying experience went unnoticed by the Kuchiki Lord. A bomb could have gone off under the desk and he probably wouldn't have noticed. Byakuya knew he should have turned away to give her some kind of privacy but he didn't… he couldn't.

Nel sat up and shook her hair out for absolutely no reason but to mess with her target's head. Byakuya's breathing was becoming ragged but he tried his best to control it. _'Where the hell is that girl with some clothes?'_ the desperate shinigami thought to himself. Nel swung her legs over and stood, making a half-assed attempt at covering her breasts with an arm. She pretended to look frantically around for something to cover her bottom half. Spotting a random folder they'd removed from Yoruichi's desk, she picked it up and covered up her 'K'. But then something unfortunate happened. She dropped it…accidentally, of course. Papers scattered all over the floor and naturally like the gentleman he was, Byakuya came to pick them up. It was the least he could do considering the position he'd put her in.

He knelt down and began to gather the papers and stuff them back into the folder. When he was finished he looked up and came face to face, or face to crotch, with Nel. She had taken a few steps forward, unbeknownst to him, while he was cleaning up her mess. If she was any closer it would have been on his forehead. _'Is that a K?'_ he thought to himself. His tongue pressed against the inside of his teeth, begging to get out of his mouth and inside of her.

"If you were hungry you could've just asked for some food," Mashiro said, entering the room.

He jumped to his feet and looked around nervously. Nel thought it was the most adorable thing she'd ever seen, even with that scowl on his face. If felt good to know she was making the unflappable Captain Kuchiki nervous. Byakuya knew he needed to get out of there and fast. He'd just have to see Yoruichi at a later time. This was like the best dream and the most horrible nightmare rolled into one. He turned, saw the kimono that was draped over the Visored's arm and snatched it from her.

"Turn around," he said, being sure to keep his eyes focused on anything but the naked beauty.

The combination of those two simple words and his drop-your-panties voice was enough to make Nel moist on the spot. She pulled her hair over her shoulder so he could get a good look at the little surprise on her back. Hopefully he was smarter than Mashiro, and would understand. She turned slowly and waited, imagining what his expression would be when he laid eyes on the ridiculously large 'B'.

Byakuya stared with his eyebrows furrowed. Hadn't there been a '3' there before? He couldn't be sure. It had been so long since they'd left Heuco Mundo with her and the blue-haired Espada. She had clung to Ichigo like her life depended on it, dressed in a poor excuse for clothes that barely covered her voluptuous body. The thought of her on Ichigo made him clench his jaw tighter than it already was. _'What is wrong with me?'_

"Are you going to give me my clothes or are we just gonna stand here all night?" Nel joked.

Byakuya snapped back to the present. He gently laid the kimono over her shoulders, then turned and left without a word. His hands balled into fists as he heard the faint sounds of laughter. He narrowed his eyes and ground his teeth. He wasn't sure what was going on but without a doubt Yoruichi had to be behind it. Then, for no reason at all he thought of Nel's naked body on top of that desk and his already hard cock twitched. Frustrated and, for the first time in a very long while, horny, he flash-stepped to his manor.

**Day 5**

Byakuya rose before the sun after a long night of tossing and turning. He knew Yoruichi would still be asleep. She'd never been a morning person, but he couldn't wait another minute. He was going to kill her. He'd decided it last night, right after he'd tried to relieve himself of his erection…for the third time. She'd set him up. He just knew it.

He arrived at the Shihoin compound within minutes. One scowl at the guards and he was in, no questions asked. It had been some time since he'd been inside of the manor and a lot had changed. After roaming around aimlessly for almost twenty minutes and not seeing a soul, he ran into one of the maids. Her face turned a bright red when he asked where the lady of the house was, and she stuttered for entirely too long before finally directing him to what was probably the third sitting room he'd seen. The head of the Shihoin clan was curled up in a ball under a table sleeping… naked.

Lord-Captain Byakuya Kuchiki casually walked over to the table and glared down at her for a moment before kicking her right in her butt. She always did bring out the worst in him.

"AHHHHHHH!" Yoruichi jumped up, banged her head on the bottom of the table, then sprang up again, and banged her head…again. "What the hell is going on? Where am I…the Seventh Circle of Hell?" she yelled, confused. She flipped the table off her and rubbed her head. Byakuya couldn't remember the last time he'd enjoyed something so much. He almost laughed…almost.

"Leave me alone, I'm sleepy," the bedraggled shapeshifter whined, not bothering to open her eyes.

"Get up," he said, not bothering to hide his exasperation.

She cracked a lid as soon as she registered who he was. "What are you doing here?" she said in a voice still scratchy from sleep.

"I have business with you. Now please put some clothes on." Yoruchi's nakedness did not bother him since he, along with probably everyone else in the Soul Society, had seen her naked at least ten times. It wasn't that she didn't have a great body. It was just that she was a demon cat so that negated her appeal.

"I'm not here," she replied, before turning into her cat form and crawling under a nearby couch.

Byakuya's eye twitched dangerously. He walked over to the couch, flipped it and yanked Yoruichi up by the scruff of her neck. She hung helplessly in his hand and sighed.

"Can't you just go away? I have a hangover."

"How do you intend to effectively run your squad if you're drunk?" he scoffed.

"I didn't say I was drunk, I said I have a hangover, meaning…I was drunk last night. Now get off me." With a pop she turned back to her human form and was released from Byakuya's hold. He fell backward on to the floor with a thud and Yoruichi landed purposely right on top of him. She leaned down and licked the whole right side of his face, then slapped him with her boobs a couple times and jumped up.

"Why don't you two just fuck and get it over with?" Kukaku drawled as she entered the room.

Byakuya reached for his sword, intending to just kill them both and be done with it. But before he could pull it from its sheath Yoruichi's hand was grabbing his wrist.

"Calm down, Byakuya, geez. Get the stick outta your ass."

"What is or is not in my ass is none of your concern." Kukaku and Yoruichi exchanged amused looks as he continued to speak. "What business did you have with me last night?" he asked, getting straight to the point.

"None. Why?"

"I received a note saying you had urgent matters to discuss with me, but when I arrived at your office I found your lieutenant and the green-haired Visored in an…" he cleared his throat, "…awkward position."

"So what's your point?" Yoruichi left the room, having finally decided to put some clothes on.

"I know you are behind this and I will get to the bottom of it. This is the second time something like this has happened."

"Did you even stop and think that maybe Nel's just weird…? Cuz she is," Kukaku said, adding her two cents.

"Maybe she has a crush on you. Ever think of that, genius?" Yoruichi called from the next room.

Byakuya made a scornful noise. "Do not mock me. That couldn't possibly be it."

Yoruichi rolled her eyes. "Right. Because you're sooooo hard on the eyes. I mean, look at you…you're hideous. My eyes! My eyes!" She and Kukaku laughed hysterically, and for the second time Byakuya almost did as well.

"I hate you." And with that, he left them in a flash of shunpo.

Nel sat in her room in deep thought. Time was running out and she didn't seem to be any closer to seducing Captain Kuchiki. Of course he'd left Yoruichi's office with blue balls the night before, but he had too much willpower. He would probably hack his dick off if he felt it had too much control over him, making it not very likely that he'd act on an impulse. What to do? Maybe she was coming on too strong. Maybe nobles liked nice boring girls, not sexy awesome ones.

-o0o-

"Nel, I don't think that's what nice, boring girls wear. Not real ones, anyway."

Nel looked at herself in the mirror. She had Mashiro braid her hair in pigtails and now boasted a full schoolgirl costume.

"I don't know about this one, Nel. Do you think he'll like it? I thought the point was not to come on too strong. That's like… Kenpachi strong."

"What do you mean? It's perfect." The skirt was so short she might as well have not been wearing one. The shirt was unbuttoned and tied under her huge breasts, leaving her stomach exposed. "I have to wear this if I'm supposed to be a good girl."

The hazel-eyed pixie appraised her outfit once more. "Well, you look like a good hooker."

"Shut up," Nel snapped.

"You shut up."

Nel plopped down on her bed and sighed. "What am I gonna do? We're running out of time. This is so hard," she whined.

"You have to do something nobles like. Maybe drink tea or…I don't know, noble stuff."

"What kind of noble stuff?"

"Why don't you write him a poem? Nobles probably like all that mush poetry stuff."

"I don't know how to write poetry."

"I'll help. Come on."

-o0o-

_Shall I compare thee to a summer's day, Byakuya?__  
><em>_Thou art more hot and more tempting:__  
><em>_Rough winds do shake the Sakura petals of May,__  
><em>_And summer's lease hath all too short a date:__  
><em>_Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,__  
><em>_And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;__  
><em>_And every fair from fair sometime declines,__  
><em>_By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd;__  
><em>_But thy eternal summer shall not fade, because it's eternal__  
><em>_Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;__  
><em>_Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade, because you're dead__  
><em>_When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st;__  
><em>_So long as Shinigami can breathe, or eyes can see,__  
><em>_So long lives this, and this gives life to thee, Byakuya._

Byakuya read what used to be Shakespeare's 18th sonnet again before handing it over to his lieutenant.

"Who do you think it's from?" Ulquiorra asked, inhaling the heavily perfumed note's odor.

"Lieutenant Odelschwanck."

"Ahhh. So that's what that was all about," he said, referring to the meeting incident. "You have to remind me to thank her. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. And this," he said holding up the note," is priceless." They both allowed themselves to smile. Something they only ever did around each other. Ulquiorra took a seat and placed the sonnet on his captain's desk.

"What do you plan to do about it?"

"I don't think there is anything I can do except wait for her to give up."

"And what if she _doesn't?"_

"She will," Byakuya assured him.

"If I may ask, Captain, do you want her to give up?"

Byakuya raised an eyebrow. "What are you implying? That I _like_ being harassed?"

"Of course not." Ulquiorra rose from his seat. "No one likes being harassed. But you shouldn't look at it that way. Think of it as being lusted after by a beautiful woman."

"Beautiful?"

"Come now, my 'hot and tempting' Captain." Byakuya narrowed his eyes, but the pallid lieutenant pressed on. "She is most definitely NOT trash." A small smile crept across his superior's face, but before he could respond Ulquiorra continued. "Of course, that is just my opinion. You don't have to listen to me. I mean, you are the fairest in all the land. Your golden skin—"

"Scatter, Senbon…"

Ulquiorra left in a flash of sonido before he could complete his sentence.

**Day 6**

Byakuya had seriously considered all that Lieutenant Schiffer and the dastardly Yoruichi had said. He had a decision to make. Either kill the girl and be rid of her harassment or, as his subordinate so eloquently put it, give her some noble cock. The thought of her naked body sprawled out on the desk in Yoruichi's office with her 'Bubbles' necklace on had his manhood growing inside his hakama. His decision had just been made.

Meanwhile, Nel and Mashiro knew this was most likely the last chance they would get. She was sure she was going to hear from him after they left the poem at his door. Borrowing Ichigo's Shakespeare book was such a good idea. But almost a whole day had passed and still nothing, so they had decided to pull out the big guns. She was going to invite Captain Kuchiki for tea.

Mashiro stared at Nel as she prepared to go over to the Kuchiki compound. "This isn't going to work," she said with her arms folded over her chest.

"We'll see," was Nel's only reply. Yup, just walk right over to his house and ask him. She wasn't going to throw herself at him or strip naked or wear a silly costume. This time it would definitely work!

_Knock-knock-knock._

Nel was more nervous than she ever remembered being before. He was going to be mean to her again and tell her to get off his property. She could just see herself running through the streets trying to escape millions of killer sakura petals. While engaged in these self-defeating mental exercises, the door was opened by one of the servants. Before she could open her mouth he stepped to one side and gestured for Nel to enter, as if expecting her company all day. The silent servant led her into a waiting room while he went to get their master or whatever they called him.

Byakuya wasn't at all surprised when he was told that Lieutenant Odelschwanck was waiting for him. It was time to execute his plan. Upon entering the room where she was seated, before he could greet her the woman jumped up and blurted out, "Do you like tea?"

So he simply answered, "Yes."

They stood in the middle of the room and stared at each other in silence. He noticed that she seemed nervous and wondered why. She hadn't been so on their other encounters and she'd been completely nude both times. He decided to just follow her lead as long as it led him in between her legs.

Nel was at a loss. _'Stop fidgeting,'_ she told herself. _'You're supposed to be seducing him, not acting like a damned virgin.'_

Before she could say anything he cleared his throat. "Excuse me, Lieutenant, I have pressing matters to attend to." Then he left.

And just like that her whole scheme unraveled. Nel was crushed. One of the servants passed by and smiled politely. No doubt the whole household would be gossiping about her humiliation over tea. She felt like a complete idiot. "He's such an ass," she said in a huff, then sonidoed out of the room and his house.

Byakuya returned to find Lieutenant Odelschwanck gone. He shook his head in frustration. This woman was almost too much trouble, but he'd made a decision and he intended to stick to it. His senses told him she was not far away and in a flash he was off.

-o0o-

Nel arrived home in a deep funk. Hopefully Mashiro wouldn't be inside waiting for her. She didn't want to have to explain how she'd not only failed her mission but failed terribly. Her hand had just touched the door when suddenly she felt a presence behind her.

"Why did you leave?" It was _his_ voice, the one that sent a chill down her spine and between her legs. Nel didn't turn around. She didn't even think she was breathing. Was this really happening? Her mind was going a mile a minute. It wasn't until she felt him step close enough for their bodies to touch that she snapped out of it.

"You told me to," she answered, slightly disappointed with the tremble she heard in her voice.

"Did I?" His breath caressing her neck made her knees weak. Had he actually told her to leave? No, but he might as well have. "I went to tell my sister that I would not be accompanying her for dinner. When I returned, you were gone."

"So you had somewhere else to be?" Nel asked, hoping he wasn't saying what she thought he was, but at the same time hoping he was.

"Where am I?" he asked, leaning in close to her ear.

All Nel could manage was, "Huh?"

"Where am I?" he repeated, slower and a lot more sensual.

"Uhhh… right here?" Nel was officially confused.

"That's somewhere else then, isn't it? Now open the door."

Nel obeyed his instruction without a word. Byakuya followed her with his eyes, not bothering to move just yet. When she realized he wasn't behind her she looked over her shoulder and saw him standing in the doorway watching her.

"I thought you wanted to come," she said putting emphasis on the 'come'.

He nodded his head so she turned and continued walking until she turned a corner. When she was out of sight Byakuya smiled wickedly. It was going to be an interesting night.

Byakuya had to admit he was relieved when he saw that instead of living in the main barracks she stayed in the captains' quarters. Nel slipped into the back to change into something a little more comfortable, and by comfortable she meant a kimono and nothing else. She returned and tried her hardest to act noble and be a good hostess. She even brewed up the best jasmine tea she'd ever made, which tasted like shit in Byakuya's expert opinion.

"Did you get the poem I sent? I spent all day on it." Nel was all smiles.

All Byakuya said was, "Yes."

The silence was uncomfortable and Nel found herself at a loss once again. He'd followed her here and he was being polite enough…well, polite for him, but he had barely touched his tea and things were moving awfully slow. She glanced up at the camera that sat in the corner of her room. Mashiro had set one up in the sitting room and one in her bedroom since the plan was to get him to come back to her place, but never in a million years did she think she would actually pull it off. Glancing at him and taking note of his uninterested expression, she knew she needed to loosen him up or those cameras would be recording a whole lot of nothing.

"How about some saké?" She didn't wait for him to answer, only jumped to her feet and ran to the cabinet where she knew Yoruichi and Kukaku always kept a stash. Neliel returned with the bottle, purposely forgetting the cups. Byakuya watched as she stood over him, and drank straight from the bottle.

"Now you," she said holding the bottle out to him. To Nel's disappointment he took the bottle but instead of drinking he set it down on the table. He stood up, grabbing his cup of tea and made his way to the open window on the other side of the room. Nel raised an eyebrow. _'What the hell is he doing?'_ She soon found out. He tossed the now lukewarm liquid out into the night.

"That was the most disgusting tea I've ever had the misfortune to drink."

He ignored Nel's red face and came back to the table, pouring the saké into his now empty cup. Byakuya glanced around the room, taking in his surroundings for the first time. It was not poorly decorated. Having come to this decision he drank the contents of his cup in one smooth gulp and poured himself another.

"What does 'bubbles' mean?" He turned and noticed the surprised look on her face.

_'That was random,'_ she thought. "It means I'm awesome."

Before Byakuya could comment on how that in no way made any sense someone yelled from outside, "Burger King!"

Both their heads snapped around toward the window. _'I'm going to kill Mashiro,'_ Nel thought.

"What was that?" Byakuya asked.

"Oh it was just the village idiot, don't worry about it," Nel said in an attempt to make the situation a little less weird. She failed. "So do you think you can help me with my tattoo now?"

Byakuya sighed heavily then poured his third drink. "I'm bored. Take off your clothes."

Nel's jaw hit the floor. She must have heard him wrong. Byakuya wished he could laugh, but of course he didn't. To Nel's credit, she pulled herself together quickly and put her game face back on. If he wanted to play she was definitely game. Maybe she'd complete this mission after all.

"You first, Captain Kuchiki," she purred.

To her surprise, he didn't hesitate. Nel's breath caught in her throat when he removed his robe and dropped it on the floor beside him. He wasn't overly muscular like a lot of the men. He was very slim, but toned from years of training and fighting. Her eyes roamed over his pectorals and down past his abs to where his victory line disappeared in to his hakama. She unconsciously licked her lips. Not a single scar marked his perfect skin. Nel swallowed hard as he moved to his pants. He untied them but instead of letting them fall to the ground, he held them up just above his hardening cock.

"Oh, that's not fair," Nel whined before she could stop herself.

"Direct me to a bed, and when we get there you will disrobe." It was not a request. Nel could tell that Captain Kuchiki was used to always being in control. Being commanded to the bedroom and ordered to strip was, for some reason, such a turn-on. But of course she couldn't allow him to be completely in control. After all _she_ was the one who was supposed to be doing the seducing.

She sauntered past him not saying a word, but when she hit the doorway she turned and dropped her robe to the floor revealing her award-winning ass and the huge 'B' on her back. She winked at him over her shoulder and continued out the room knowing he wouldn't be far behind.

Nel was sitting on the edge of the bed with her legs crossed daintily at the knee when Byakuya walked in. His face held the same smug expression it always did but there was a difference in his eye that Nel noticed immediately. Those piercing slate grey eyes. Nel was forced to turn away from them, but as soon as she did she was being pushed on her back and her legs were lifted up. There was no time to give so much as a yelp. She felt his hands slip under her rear and slide her up. She thought it was a little creepy that he hadn't bothered to take off his gloves but then her mind went completely blank when she felt his tongue penetrate her core.

"Oh shit!" she yelled more out of surprise than anything. This was not something to be taken lightly. She almost thought she was dreaming. Byakuya was eating her… 'Kuchiki'. It was a completely inappropriate time to make such a stupid joke, but she just couldn't resist. She would have laughed if it wasn't for the fact that he chose that moment to do some kind of twirly twisty thing with his tongue.

He rested her legs on his shoulders, and although he was out of practice Nel didn't notice at all. His tongue skillfully slid in and out of her then up one of her glistening wet lips and down the other. She propped herself up on her elbows. This was a show she didn't want to miss. He looked up at her with his penetrating eyes and sucked hard on her clit making her scream out something that sounded suspiciously like his name. Nel wanted desperately to reach down and run her fingers through his hair but she didn't want him to break her hands off. This was not the way things were supposed to go. Instead of her seducing him it was the other way around!

For the next several minutes he teased her. Gently licking, twirling and twisting, then a hard suck on her slowly swelling clit. She tried to keep her mouth shut but the last suck had been almost too much to bear. Nel screamed and grabbed a fistful of Byakuya's hair before she could stop herself. In doing so, she broke his kenseikan.

He froze and so did she. She yanked her hands back and stared at him in horror as he, for the first time, lifted his head from between her legs. His chin was shiny with her juices and she thought she had never seen him look sexier. He slowly reached his hand up and Nel knew this was the end for her, but to her surprise he simply grabbed his broken headpiece and tossed it in a corner. His hair fell forward into his face, some of it sticking to the saliva on his lips. He calmly brushed it to the side and looked down, noticing the 'K' he'd seen a couple days before. He traced it with his tongue and a pleasured sigh escaped Nel's lips. Then he knelt down and went back to work, but with a lot more vigor.

Byakuya wrapped his arms firmly around her thighs, knowing she would soon be squirming, and proceeded to make up for the dinner he was missing with his sister. If it hadn't felt so good Nel would have been embarrassed at all the noise she was making. She yelled and screamed and clawed at the bed in an attempt to get away. Anytime she slid away he would yank her right back, and she was grateful because she didn't really want to escape his skilled tongue, she just didn't know what else to do. She couldn't say how many times she'd come and her throat was getting sore from all the screaming. Neliel had forgotten that they hadn't even had sex until he crawled up on the bed,and felt him pressing against her wet entrance. He planted a hand on each side of her head and stared down at her, his hair forming a tunnel between their faces.

"Kiss me," she slurred in a post-orgasmic daze.

Byakuya said nothing in reply but Nel didn't care. He leaned forward and kissed one of her pert nipples before slipping inside of her. She inhaled a sharp breath and arched her back up off the bed. The sight was enough to make Byakuya come on the spot but he didn't. He held her ankles, one in each hand, as he rhythmically thrust in and out of her. She reached up to stop her breasts from smacking her in the face but he swatted her hands away. He quickly leaned forward and slid an arm under her back and before Nel knew it, he had switched their position. He was on his back and she was straddling him, and he was still inside of her.

Nel didn't need to be told what he wanted. He reached up and gently pinched her nipples making her squeal. She giggled a little and Byakuya decided he liked the way it sounded, but not in their current situation. He thrust his hips upward, making her bounce. She took the hint and began grinding her hips down onto him. He put his hands around her waist and lifted her halfway off of his cock to hold her there as if she was as light as a feather. Before Nel could voice her displeasure about him not allowing her to be in control he lifted his hips to meet her sex. He hit her g-spot on the first thrust and enjoyed the reaction he received from her.

"Shit, Byakuya," she moaned. When she realized what she'd said she looked down at him warily.

Everyone knew how particular he was about being addressed correctly. "I mean… Captain Kuchiki."

"Byakuya is fine." It was the first thing he'd said since they started and Nel realized that she'd missed his voice.

He lowered her slowly but as soon as she tried to move he lifted her up again and thrust upwards.

Nel was getting frustrated. He was toying with her and she knew it. She wanted him to fuck her…hard, but that didn't really seem to be his style. Everything he did was…perfect. Not too hard or too soft. Not too fast or too slow. She was on fire, she needed to cum with him inside of her. Nel wanted to be _manhandled!_

Ulquiorra was right, Byakuya decided. She _was_ beautiful, and he fully intended to savor the night. He knew exactly what he was doing. He always did. She was so wet for him that when he slammed her back down on his cock her juices splashed on his face. Her back arched and her hair hung down tickling his thighs. Each time she moaned his name it sounded better than the time before. He pulled her down in him hard a couple of times, making her yell out obscenities. Every time she tried to gain some type of control he would lift her up off of him.

"Byakuya, please," she whined, "Stop torturing me."

Their eyes met. Then something happened that Nel could have in no way been prepared for. Byakuya Kuchiki smirked. She melted on the spot.

He sat up and slid off the bed. She wrapped her legs around his waist and lay on his shoulder. It was all so romantic.

"Get down," he commanded. _'Ok, romance over.'_

She did as he said. As soon as her feet were firmly on the ground he turned her around and bent her over onto the bed. This was the third time Byakuya laid his eyes on the huge 'B' on Nel's back. Then for no reason at all he thought about the 'K' he'd traced his tongue over just a few moments before. He could not have explained the sensation that went through his body as the realization of what the 'BK' stood for dawned on him. A few moments had passed and Nel was starting to think something was wrong, but then she felt his fingers on her back. He was tracing her tattoo. She smiled to herself and thought, _'Gotcha.'_ Suddenly her head was being yanked back by her hair. Not painfully hard but definitely with force. His other hand rested on the small of her back, and then he was inside her. With a roll of his hips he stroked her as deep as he could, never letting go of her hair. Nel arched her back as far as possible.

"Harder!" she yelled, attempting to look back at him over her shoulder.

He jerked her head back around and gave her a firm smack on the ass. She let out a surprised yelp and pushed back onto him. He went harder and faster and Nel heard what sounded like a deep growl come from him. She was so close to release she wanted to cry.

"I want to cum!" she practically sobbed.

"You will." Byakuya pulled her back, just out of reach of the bed. She straightened up, but as soon as she did he pushed her back down. Before she could ask what he was doing he had grabbed one of her legs and was lifting it up.

"Byaaaaaaaa—" Her hands shot out in front of her so she wouldn't smash her face on the floor as he put her in the wheelbarrow position and drilled into her. "Uhhhhh…shit!"

Byakuya knew she was close and was trying his hardest to hold on to his own orgasm. He felt her tighten around him. Her body began to convulse as she yelled profanity after profanity. Nel's arms gave up on holding her body up as she squirted her juices all over him. He caught her just before her face hit the floor. The girl hung gasping on his length, completely at his mercy. Once assured of her security all restraint went out the window, and a few thrusts later he spent himself deep inside of her amazing body.

He fell to his knees and rolled over onto his back and Nel did the same as both lovers tried to steady their breathing.

Nel didn't know how long they lay there in a surprisingly comfortable silence. Ten minutes, maybe an hour, it didn't matter. She'd completed her mission and then some, but as good…no, great, as the sex had been she couldn't help but feel like something was missing. Like maybe it could have been better, which would be hard. Maybe it was because he wouldn't let her be in control…but she'd actually liked that part. She couldn't put her finger on it…but it was definitely something. Byakuya sat up abruptly, distracting her from her thoughts.

'_Guess the fun's over,'_ she thought. But instead of gathering his clothes up, he turned to her and asked, "Again?"

After what just happened Nel didn't think anything else could surprise her, but she was wrong.

"Uhh, you want to?" she asked doubtfully.

Byakuya sighed and looked leisurely around the room before returning his focus to Nel. He slowly moved his hand to the base of his hardening cock. "My pride demands it."

It hit her like a ton of bricks. "OH MY GOD…THAT'S IT!" she exclaimed, and for the second time that night Byakuya Kuchiki smiled.

**Don't ask…I'm not sure myself.**


	7. Fighting as Foreplay

**I know it's been a long time. My brain went on strike for a while. In an attempt to get back on track I wrote a Shunsui/Kisuke one shot. That was fun. Two months and I'm still not entirely happy with this chapter, but I didn't want Fresh Breath to kill me so here it is. ****J**

**As always I own nothing and a BIG thanks to Mishiko Shinsei and Tomas the Betrayer.**

**Chapter 7 – Fighting as Foreplay**

**-o0o-**

"I can't believe you actually did it," an awestruck Yoruichi whispered.

The meeting room had been eerily silent from the moment Nemu started the video; everyone savoring the sight of a naked Byakuya. All save for one. Rukia was horrified. She slapped her hands over her eyes in an attempt to block out the images, but she was promptly attacked by an overzealous Kukaku.

"You better watch this," she declared while pinning Rukia's arms to her side.

The Kuchiki princess squeezed her eyes shut and wished she could close her ears as well. Nel's blissful moans would haunt her for the rest of her life. She'd been able to watch up until the moment her brother's head disappeared between the former Espada's legs. Whatever was happening now sounded a hundred times worse, and her imagination was already starting to paint some rather scandalous pictures.

"Oh come on Rukia, open your eyes," Yoruichi leaned over to whisper, unable to take her own off the screen.

The girl scrunched her face up even more and shook her head vigorously.

"He's not even your real brother," Kukaku complained with a laugh. "You can't possibly have been living with him all this time and never once wanted some 'brotherly love'. It's just not sane."

Rukia screeched as she struggled in Kukaku's freakishly strong grasp.

"Oh Rukia, look! It's Chappy," Rangiku yelled.

Rukia's eyes shot open. "Where…? I mean…SHIT," she yelled as Kukaku seized her eyelids. Had she really fallen for such a stupid trick? She tried to pry the woman's hand from her face but Kukaku wouldn't have it.

"Someone grab her arms," the one-armed woman yelled.

Immediately, Rukia's limbs were pinned to her sides again. Straining to see who the culprit was made her eyes hurt. Kukaku was completely restricting her movement.

"Sorry Rukia," came a small apologetic voice from beside her. _Orihime!_

"You traiteeAAHHH!" Rukia screamed in horror as she unwillingly watched her brother stuff Nel like a turkey.

"Rukia be quiet, I can't hear," Orihime whispered. The raven haired girl turned up her nose and tried to face her friend, but Kukaku jerked her head back, pulling her eyes open even wider in the process.

Her already large orbs now looked massive, and Orihime couldn't help but giggle at the sight of her friend's distorted face.

"Let go of me," Rukia yelled. "My eyes are going to pop out if you pull any harder."

"Shut up and maybe I will," Kukaku retorted.

Rukia groaned, but reluctantly complied, attempting to look as relaxed as she could under the circumstances.

"Orihime, you can let go now. I'm not going to do anything," she told her former friend.

The orange haired human looked to see if it was okay. The Shiba clan leader nodded. Orihime slowly loosened her grip on Rukia and then cautiously backed away. When she was safely in her seat, Kukaku followed suit by releasing Rukia's eyes. The smaller women mumbled something incoherently.

"What was that?" Kukaku snapped.

"Nothing! Can you leave me alone?"

Not a second after the words left her mouth, she found herself falling forward out of her chair, almost hitting the floor. Kukaku had wacked her in the back of the head…hard. She turned around just in time to see the smug grin on her tormentor's face as she took a seat directly behind her. Rukia was able to fight back the urge to pounce on the older and stronger woman mostly because she had no desire to die, but also because she knew she was being childish. Byakuya was not her real brother. A blind woman could see his appeal. For some reason she just couldn't help but feel like she was betraying the sister she never knew.

She sighed, risking a glance up at the screen and flinching when she saw Nel hanging from her brother's groin like a Christmas ornament. Surprisingly she wasn't completely appalled, which disgusted her even more. Then just like that, it was over. Byakuya released Nel's hips allowing her to fall in a heap on the floor and, to everyone's surprise, he lay down beside her.

Nemu stood to shut off the video, but was stopped by Nel. "Wait. You haven't seen the best part."

Nemu stared at her blankly for a moment before lowering herself back into her seat. Seconds turned to minutes as everyone calmly waited for something…anything to happen.

"Nel what the fuck? You want us to watch you sleep?" Kukaku yelled breaking the silence.

"Shhhhhh, it's coming I swear."

Kukaku huffed and slouched down in her chair, but remained quiet, until Byakuya finally began to stir. The women watched with bated breath as the captain of the sixth division got to his feet and turned looking down at Nel with an expression of complete arrogance.

'_Again?'_

'_Uhh, you want to?'_

Byakuya's hand moved slowly to the base of his hardening cock and Rukia heard more than one lustful moan. She rolled her eyes and tried to ignore the fact that her gaze had also followed his hand. _'Something is wrong with me.'_ she thought.

'_My pride demands it.'_

There was a moment where time seemed to stand still. No one breathed or even blinked. Was this real? Had that just happened? The grin on Nel's face told everyone that they were not hallucinating.

Suprisingly Sui-Feng was the first to speak. "My pride demands it?" The tiny commander of the stealth forces looked around at the faces of her 'sisters' who all seemed just as dumbfounded as herself. "My pride demands it?" she repeated again, her voice heavy with disbelief. She then threw back her head and positively screamed with laughter. "BWAAAAAHA-HA-HA-HAAAH!"

Rukia was afraid, very afraid. Her brother was having sex with Arrancar. Sui-Feng, the biggest bitch in the Seireitei, was laughing. There was an insane one-armed woman sitting behind her ready to rip her eyelids off if she made one false move, and Orihime, the nicest person she knew, had betrayed her. Everyone soon joined in on the laughter. Rukia gripped the seat until her knuckles turned white. The urge to get up and run out screaming for someone to save her was almost too strong. She looked around for some kind of consolation.

Nemu. Nemu wasn't laughing. The lieutenant wore the same melancholic expression she always did. It comforted Rukia to know that everyone had not lost their minds. Bless you, Nemu Kurotsuchi!

Right as she thought this, the twelfth division lieutenant turned her head and, to Rukia's utter amazement (not to mention extreme discomfort), winked at her.

Nemu then went back to staring at the screen with the same bland expression as before.

She gave no notice of how pale Rukia had turned as a result. Meanwhile, having noticed none of this, the others were gabbling excitedly like a flock of geese.

"He's the only man who could possibly get away with saying something like that…at a time like that…and it be ok," Sui-Feng said between cackles.

After a while some measure of order seemed to settle upon the rowdy females. Rangiku, finally able to stand, made her way to the front. Still giggling, she snatched up the list of names and called out, "Lisa."

The Visored looked around a moment, vision slightly blurred by tears of laughter before realizing exactly what was going on.

"Get your little butt up here," Rangiku declared shaking the chest of names out in front of her.

Lisa stood slowly, trying to fight back another fit of giggles. She turned to Nanao, who was seated to her right, "You will be my accomplice."

The young woman wrinkled her face, but despite her reluctance, nodded in agreement. Lisa gave her a little smile before making her way to the front of the room. Not wasting any time she reached her hand into the chest and grabbed the first name her slender fingers touched.

"Ikkaku Madarame," she said loud enough for everyone to hear.

Some appreciative murmurs stole through their hideout. Not to mention a few leery looks.

"HEY!"

At this shout everyone turned to Kukaku, who was slouched very low and unladylike in her seat.

"When are you two gonna go?"

It was clear she was now addressing the ladies in charge.

"What are you talking about?" asked a confused Rangiku.

"Don't play dumb. I'm talkin' about you and the cat. When are _you two_ gonna go? I know your names aren't on that list so…like I said. At what point do we get to watch you two hide the salami?"

Rangiku looked to Yoruichi then back to Kukaku. "After all of you, I guess."

"Wait. Who has salami?" asked a suddenly interested Nel.

"I don't think that's fair," the bandaged woman replied completely ignoring the green-haired Arrancar.

Yoruichi was well aware of what her friend was trying to do. She was also aware that Shiba wouldn't shut up until either she or Rangiku gave in. "I'll go," she said with a huff. "Next week I'll go. Happy?"

"Very," Kukaku grinned from ear to ear.

The cat goddess' head rolled to one side with a sigh. Then she glanced around sharply to scan the room. "Anyone else have something to say?"

No one else said a word. Lisa shrugged and went back to her seat, passing Kukaku who was getting up with a wicked grin on her face. By the time Lisa reclaimed her place beside Nanao, the vulgar woman was standing front and center.

"Ok, you hookers. I'll be teaching this week's lesson _'Fighting as Foreplay!'_ Because let's face it, who better to teach about fighting than me?"

**Week 6: Lisa Yadōmaru and Ikkaku Madarame**

**Mission: Fighting as Foreplay – Futile Foreplay**

**Day 1**

Lisa moved leisurely through the streets as she contemplated her mission. The Visored was never one to procrastinate. She didn't see the logic. It was counterproductive and stupid as far as she was concerned. The third seat of the eleventh had never been of any interest to her before now, so she really didn't know what to expect. Sure she knew who he was, had seen him on numerous occasions, but the two were practically strangers. Good thing you didn't need to be friends with the man to know he was a little on the crazy side and loved to fight as much as Zaraki Kenpachi, which was why she was headed over to the eleventh division barracks to request a friendly spar. She knew he wouldn't be able to resist. It would be almost too easy.

Although Nanao had wanted to accompany her she'd instructed her successor to stay put and prepare for the meeting with Rangiku and Yoruichi. The president of the SWSS had insisted on giving the former Shinigami a makeover, so later on they would be meeting to discuss what would be done the following day.

Lisa reached the eleventh division just as the sun was setting, turning the sky a breathtaking mix of orange and violet. Not exactly sure where to look first, she wandered aimlessly for almost an hour. _'Where the hell is everyone?'_ She was beginning to consider heading back, but spotted someone in the distance. As fortune would have it, it turned out to be Coyote Starrk. The former Primera approached her, hands shoved deep in his pockets.

"Where is everybody?" she asked once she was sure he was close enough to hear her.

The Arrancar shrugged. "Probably the same place I'm goin."

"And where would that be?"

"Drinking," he answered flatly.

Lisa rolled her eyes. She didn't have time for this. Rangiku and Yoruichi were probably on the way to meet her, if not already waiting.

"You drink?" the man asked indifferently, interrupting her thoughts.

"Yeah. Why?"

He shrugged, then turned and started walking away, leaving a confused Lisa behind.

"Where are you going?" she called out to him.

"I already told you…drinking," he said back, not bothering to stop.

Lisa sighed. If Starrk wasn't so damn sexy he would be completely useless. Seeing no other alternative she ran to catch up to him, then struggled to keep up with his long strides all the way to the eleventh division administrative building. She remembered it being a fairly ordinary edifice, much like any of the other divisions. Her time away from Soul Society had apparently involved a few changes, as the place they were headed towards now looked as if a bomb had gone off inside it at some point. Far from rendering it uninhabitable, from the sound of it there appeared to be a raucous and particularly violent party going on. The noise was deafening from outside and Lisa did not relish the idea of entering the madhouse.

She followed behind Starrk as he opened the door and stepped into what could only be described as complete insanity. Men were everywhere…standing, sitting, lying, fighting, but as soon as they saw the lazy lieutenant they parted like a hooker's legs. Lisa made sure to stay close, not wanting to get lost in the throng of testosterone that closed right back up after they passed. She tripped on the foot of some poor guy who was out cold, and would have gone down if she hadn't reached out and grabbed Starrk's robe. He paused for a moment, not bothering to turn around, and allowed her to regain her footing before starting again.

Finally, they turned into some kind of assembly room. Starrk reached behind him, grabbing Lisa's hand that she hadn't realized was still holding his shirt, and pulled until she stood directly beside him.

"Fancy meeting you here."

Lisa couldn't hide her disbelief when she saw Kukaku seated at the table in front of her leaning heavily on Kenpachi's leg. Also present were Shunsui, Kisuke and her fellow Visored Shinji. It was almost a relief to have another lady present. She was sure she would be the only woman in attendance. And with this lot, that could lead to trouble… the kind she preferred to watch rather than be a part of.

"You look different," their murderous host grunted as he eyed Lisa. "Why ya got on those weird ass clothes?"

Lisa's eye twitched dangerously. "I always wear these clothes." What was he talking about?

Zaraki turned to Shunsui, completely ignoring Lisa, "So you and the wolf sharing your lieutenant now?" Her former captain chuckled, but before he could answer, the spikey-haired man looked back to Lisa. "They ain't broke ya in half yet? You must be stronger than ya look."

All eyes turned to Lisa and Starrk who, she only just realized, were still holding hands. It was now perfectly clear there had been a mix-up in the mighty Kenpachi's thought process. She quickly snatched her fingers from Starrk's grasp, "I'm not Nanao, you nimrod," she said through clenched teeth. "And nobody's sharing her or anybody else."

"Speak for yourself, four eyes," Kukaku blurted out.

Kenpachi grunted again. "Ya look the same."

This was going nowhere, and she wasn't the only one that thought so. Bored with their senseless conversation, Starrk moved toward the table and squeezed his way between Shunsui and Kisuke. He lifted the two men's hats from their heads, switching Kisuke's green striped bucket with Shunsui's sakkat before taking a seat and helping himself to the saké. Both of the headwear aficionados now gazed at one another with a sort of inebriated confusion, as if unable to comprehend the drastic change in their appearances that had taken place.

"Are you… me?" the head of the eighth slurred.

"No…" His drunken cohort's face then took on a shade of confusion. "Unless you're now me… then I'd have no alternative but to be you…for the sake of universal continuity. See what I mean?"

It was clear he did not, and they continued gazing at each other in search of an answer.

"You two look retarded," Shinji commented.

"You really do," Kukaku agreed.

Shunsui then leapt upright, threw his arms wide and proclaimed in a loud voice, "I AM KISUKE URAHARA!" before falling spectacularly on his ass.

Kenpachi flicked an eye their way. "No different than normal."

"Ya just gonna stand there all night or what?" Shinji addressed Lisa, who lifted her chin and treated him to a most withering glare.

"I didn't come to drink with you," she snapped at the former renegade. "I have things to do. Where's Ikkaku?"

"Is _he_ what you have to do?" Kisuke perked up, becoming immediately interested at the prospect of some juicy perverted gossip.

"He's around here somewhere. Why?" Kenpachi sounded only partially interested.

Lisa's eyes rolled. "I don't see why it's any of your business, but if you must know—"

"I must," interrupted a smiling Kisuke.

"You're sick," she replied.

He tipped the sakkat back with a finger, "Why don't you stop telling us things we already know and inform us on what you could possibly want with our bald friend at such a late hour."

"Sorry to disappoint you, but all I want is to request a friendly spar."

Kukaku's smirk went unnoticed by everyone but Lisa.

"Awww you're no fun," Kisuke pouted.

Lisa moved toward the table, taking a seat on the end next to Shinji. She decided to wait for a while since she was sure Yoruichi and Rangiku were long gone. Hopefully she could catch them sometime tomorrow before meeting Ikkaku. No sooner had she taken her seat than a cup was being pushed in front of her by none other than Kukaku. To her right Shinji tapped his tongue ring on his teeth the way he always did when he was bored, something that had always annoyed her.

"The hell's that noise?" Kenpachi grumbled.

"Oh, my bad," Shinji commented absently.

"What is that thing anyway?"

"What?"

"That thing in your mouth."

"My tongue ya dumb shit." the blonde answered nonchalantly.

"You wanna die?" the brute responded. "You know that ain't what I was talking about."

Shinji leaned forward, his long golden locks slightly brushing the table. Lisa was glad he'd decided to grow his hair back, she'd always liked it long.

"It's a tongue ring," Kukaku offered.

"Sounds stupid," the eleventh squad captain remarked.

"That's where you're wrong," Shinji grinned. "Stupid, ain't the word I'd use ta describe it. Ain't nothing better than hearing a chick scream yer name while yer head's buried between her…owwww!"

Shinji grabbed his side in pain as he glared at Lisa.

"You're a perv," she deadpanned.

"See, I'm not the only one," Kisuke announced to no one in particular.

Shinji just stuck his tongue out at Lisa. "And _you've_ obviously never had someone that knew what they were doing. I can see why that'd make ya bitter, but don't take it out on me."

The female Visored rolled her eyes in exasperation.

"And you know what _you're_ doing?" asked a suddenly intrigued Kukaku.

"Wanna find out?" Shinji asked with a smirk.

All eyes were on Kukaku as she appeared to consider the question. The only reason she'd come out was to seduce and ultimately fuck the eleventh squad captain, but things had gotten real interesting real fast. She sat up from her spot on Kenpachi's leg and rested her elbows on the table.

"Captain you lookin for me?"

Lisa's head snapped around along with everyone else's to see who dared interrupt at such a moment.

"Your timing is magnificent," the new Kisuke Urahara said sarcastically.

Ikkaku stood in the doorway, a sake jug dangling from his hand with a bored-looking Yumichika behind him.

"Baldy…Fairy Boy," Kukaku greeted the two leaning back onto Kenpachis leg.

"Oh look, it's a cave woman," the smirking Yumichika replied, not missing a beat.

Lisa smiled knowingly at their teasing.

"Not me," Kenpachi grumbled, finally answering Ikkaku's question. "Her."

Lisa stood up ignoring the surprised expression on the third seat's face.

"Why you looking for me?" the bald man asked, leaning against the doorframe.

"What else does a woman want from a man at this time of night," the original Kisuke commented airily.

Ikkaku seemed to genuinely think it over. It was a difficult question after all. If he was honest with himself, he didn't know what women did; at night or any other time. He'd never concerned himself with what the 'weaker sex' did. Fighting was always at the top of his list of priorities, followed closely by…training to fight?

"Not too bright," Starrk slurred, leaning heavily on Shunsui.

"If it hurts you can always just stop," Kisuke teased Ikkaku's almost pained expression.

He bristled then. "You callin' me dumb?"

"I would never," The playful genius adopted a criminally innocent look.

Tiring of the foolishness, Lisa moved toward her target, "I just want to spar."

"Now?" Ikkaku asked incredulously. Of course he was always ready for a fight. It just seemed a little suspicious that a chick he barely knew was asking to spar at such a late hour and in the middle of a party. Now, if it was someone like Ichigo or Grimmjow, he'd have said 'hell yea'.

"Tomorrow," she corrected.

Ikkaku stared at the Visored for a moment, trying to read her. Was this just a joke or was she serious. The look in her eyes told him everything he needed to know. She meant it. He smiled.

"Meet me at the eleventh's training grounds at noon," he said, his adrenaline already beginning to pump at the prospect of fighting someone new.

"No," she replied. "Sunset."

"You're on," he responded without hesitation, and then left with Yumichika following close behind.

**Day 2**

Lisa and Nanao walked swiftly through the sewer system, trying to ignore the smell. They were supposed to meet Rangiku and Yoruichi at the Shihoin compound at noon. When the elder woman had finally returned the night before, Nanao was sleeping peacefully in her bed and it didn't seem right to wake her. She just hopped in beside the younger woman and was asleep before her head hit the pillow.

Lisa's eyes had opened to a face that was almost identical to her own and nearly jumped out of her skin. Apparently the only way Nanao knew to wake someone up was to stand mere inches from their face and wait. After a frank discussion on appropriate behavior, they got dressed and set out on the second leg of their mission.

"Was it absolutely necessary that we come down here?" Nanao asked, her nose scrunched up. "Do you really think anyone cares who goes to see Captain Shihoin? I mean, I doubt they would even notice."

"It's possible that no one would notice, but we still can't take the risk. There are already enough strange things happening around here with all of the Society's sexual escapades. Believe it or not, men talk more than women. Suddenly all of us are best friends? There's no way that would go unnoticed."

Nanao nodded in understanding. They continued on in a companionable silence giving her some time to think. She was nervous, and it wasn't even her mission. Having to videotape something that should be private and intimate just didn't seem right. Nanao glanced at the woman beside her. There was so much she didn't know that the older woman obviously did. It would soon be her turn and although she knew that she didn't necessarily need to have sex to complete her mission, she knew there was a good chance that she might have to.

One would think that with a captain like Shunsui Kyoraku she would know a lot (if not everything there was to know) about…well everything, but that was not the case. The truth was Nanao was scared to death. Sure he flirted and teased her enough, but she knew it was just that…teasing. If he ever approached her seriously she would run for the hills. Although contrary to popular belief, she did find him extremely attractive. Who wouldn't? There was just no way she would expose her ignorance to him; a man who knew so much.

Nanao eyed Lisa again and decided that it was high time she learned some things. Before now she'd been taking the Society as a joke, but that would change. The dainty lieutenant absently reached her hand up and traced the letters on her necklace.

"Fearless," she whispered.

"What was that?" Lisa asked, turning to her companion.

Nanao smiled. "I said I can't wait for tonight."

"It will be interesting, if nothing else."

The women walked in silence the rest of the way until they reached the underground meeting spot. Rangiku, who'd been waiting for them, opened the door before they knocked and let them in. The room they held their weekly meetings in barely looked like the same place. It was set up like some sort of salon.

"That must have been quite a party last night," Rangiku giggled as she closed the door behind the two women.

"I didn't stay because I wanted to," Lisa replied. "It was unavoidable."

The busty lieutenant wasn't buying it. "Oh I'm sure it was."

"Kukaku was there."

"Of course she was, she's a hooker," Rangiku joked.

"Who's a hooker?"

The three woman turned as Yoruichi leapt down from the bedroom above carrying a large bag.

"Kukaku," Rangiku answered.

"Oh. She is," the goddess of flash agreed, dropping the bag on the floor with a thud. "Nanao help me with these clothes."

"Are these for Lisa?" The lieutenant moved toward Yoruichi. The captain nodded.

"What's wrong with the clothes I'm wearing?" Lisa questioned indignantly as she followed behind Nanao.

"Absolutely nothing…if you're a fourteen-year-old girl. And if you try to peek over here you're dead."

Yoruichi glared at the Visored, stopping her in her tracks. Ignoring the look Lisa gave her she sat down to start rummaging through the large bag. Nanao quietly took a seat beside her. "Let's just lay everything out so she can see it and pick what she wants," the violet-haired vixen told her assistant.

"Take that braid out," Rangiku commanded, pulling Lisa back to a chair in the middle of the floor.

The Visored did as she was told while Rangiku produced enough hair supplies for twenty women. Lisa raised an eyebrow. "You know what you're doing right?"

"Yes," the blonde replied with a huff. "I'm just gonna tame it a little, don't get your panties in a bunch."

The Visored smirked. "I'm not wearing any."

There was a moment of stunned silence before they all laughed, except Nanao, whose face was a deep shade of crimson.

Matsumoto shook her head. "I knew there was a reason I liked you. Now hold still or I'll burn you."

"Wait!" Yoruichi stood, holding her hands up. Rangiku froze. The steaming flat iron inches away from Lisa's head. Nanao dropped an unidentified leather thing with eyes as big as saucers.

"What?" Lisa yelled.

Yoruichi's face was horrorstruck. "I forgot the drinks!"

Rangiku's eyes widened as she dropped the hot piece of equipment. Lisa jerked away to avoid being burned by the falling appliance, and landed on the floor with a thud.

"Ok. Nobody panic. Rangiku spoke as calmly as she could manage under the ghastly circumstances. She looked each woman in the eye to reassure them. "We can handle this. This is what we've trained for our whole lives."

Lisa snorted before she could stop herself as she got to her feet and proceeded to witness the most fantastic display of idiocy she'd ever seen.

"Nanao go boil some water."

"Is someone having a baby?" Lisa muttered under her breath.

Her colleague, however, did not question. The raven-haired lieutenant bolted for the ladder that led up to Yoruichi's room. Halfway up, she was abruptly yanked back down by her collar. She landed hard on her less-than-ample rear, knocking her glasses askew. She stared up in bewilderment at the culprit, Yoruichi.

"You can't go up there, I live here. What if somebody were to see you? We're not friends," the golden-eyed captain scolded.

With a sharp intake of breath Nanao hung her head. Yoruichi didn't want to be her friend? "We're not?" she asked, voice heavy with disappointment. _'I thought we were supposed to be sisters now.'_

"No!" Yoruichi exclaimed. Nanao's heart sunk. "Not as far as anyone else is concerned. Do you want us to get caught?"

Understanding came. "No, Captain. I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking."

'_You're in good company.'_ Lisa thought, as she moseyed over to the gigantic bag of clothes to take a peek. It appeared that Yoruichi had brought any and everything she could get her hands on. Lisa easily tuned the noisy women out and focused on the bag. There were leather pants, tons of spandex, and a countless amount of shoes, bustiers and thongs. _'How the hell am I supposed to fight in a maid's outfit?'_ She glanced up at the women to make sure they weren't paying attention and almost felt a little sorry for Nanao who was at that moment, being told to go to the world of the living for potatoes. Looking back down into the bag she saw a pair of really cute boots right next to a huge purple dildo and a bottle of...

'_Wait! What?'_

"A DILDO?" she yelled at the top of her lungs, blowing her cover. The search for their liquid love was abandoned as all heads turned to the glaring woman with the purple penis in her hand. "What the hell is this?"

"My purple monster," Yoruichi answered wagging her eyebrows.

Monster was right. The thing was huge. Double headed and at least a foot long…so thick Lisa could barely fit her hand around it.

"And may I ask _why_ you would bring this to give me for a sparring match? What do you plan for me to do?"

"Well I can think of a couple things," Rangiku giggled.

Lisa's face contorted. "You want me to do _that_ during the fight?"

"Of course not," Yoruichi paused. "Well, I mean you could, but I wouldn't think you'd want to with everyone watching, and I'm not too sure how Ikkaku would feel about it. Anyway you don't have to take it. I just brought stuff I thought you might like."

"Like lube and big purple cocks? And what do you mean by _everyone_?"

Yoruichi tapped her finger to her chin. "You know as well as I that a sparring match in the eleventh is as good as a party. I'm sure half the Seireitei will be there."

The Visored snorted as she slammed the penis on the floor. Yoruichi was right. The eleventh division celebrated violence like normal people did birthdays. That would certainly make things more difficult. If she didn't want her literal ass on display for the world to see she would have to figure out a way to get her and Ikkaku some privacy. After a few unproductive seconds Lisa shook her head and decided she would just wing it. "What else is in here?"

She rummaged through the bag of clothing and supplies pulling out a number of suspicious-looking things until she spotted something under what looked like a lace cat suit. Moving her glasses to the tip of her nose she moved a little closer. Her eyes widened. "You idiots!" Lisa snatched the lace thing out of the way and reached into the bag pulling out a jug of saké. She glared at Yoruichi then Rangiku.

"Yay! Lisa saved the day," the cheerful president of the Secret Society declared right before Nanao dropped to the floor in relief.

Yoruichi sauntered over to the bearer of her precious saké to take it from her hand. "We've wasted enough time with your foolishness. Now get back over there while I pour us some drinks."

A nerve in Lisa's head pulsed dangerously while she stomped towards Rangiku who in turn shoved her down into the chair. "Don't move," the phony beautician told her as she started the tedious task of styling Lisa's hair.

A couple hours later the makeover was finished and they were all a little buzzed. Nanao and Yoruichi had long finished setting the clothes out. They sat in silence as Lisa appraised herself in the mirror. She had never seen her hair look so good. Rangiku hadn't done anything special, just straightened it and tamed her bangs, but she had to admit that the blonde had done an excellent job.

Nanao couldn't remember the last time she'd had this much fun. Being able to spend time with three of the people she looked up to the most was more than she could have hoped for. She'd sat quietly most of the time just listening and trying to learn as much as she could. "I wonder who I'll get?" she whispered to herself.

"Who do you want?"

Startled, Nanao turned to see Yoruichi gazing at her with an expectant look. Blushing furiously she replied. "Oh…uhh, I don't know."

"Come on, don't be like that. You can tell us." She looked up at Lisa, "Hey Lisa who did you wanna get?"

The petite woman gazed in the mirror a few more moments before turning around to face the others. "Definitely Starrk."

"Oh, good pick," Rangiku nodded her head tipsily. "I wouldn't mind trying that out myself. What about you Yo? I mean if there's anyone that you haven't already slept with."

"Real funny." Nanao tried to stifle a giggle. Yoruichi glared at the little lieutenant. "You think it's funny?"

"No," she snapped her mouth shut and looked away.

After a few moments of staring at the back of Nanao's head Yoruichi slowly turned back to Rangiku to answer her question. "Jushiro."

"Really?" Nanao blurted before she could stop herself.

"I want to see if he's really as sweet and innocent as he pretends to be." She paused for a moment before continuing. "And I want to pull his hair," she said matter-of-factly. "What about you Ran?"

"Kisuke," the blonde answered immediately.

"Well don't think too long about it," Yoruichi teased with a chuckle. "Anyway, you can't handle Kisuke."

"What?" Rangiku frowned. "You mean he can't handle _me._"

There came a shake of a purple head. "_I_ can barely handle Kisuke."

A does-not-compute expression was plastered on the other women's faces as they stared at their sexual idol. She had to be lying, but her expression was completely serious.

"Are you joking," Rangiku questioned disbelievingly.

"What does he do," Lisa asked, still unable to believe that there was someone Yoruichi couldn't hold her own against. She just seemed like she knew everything. It was a scary thought.

"What _doesn't_ he do?" Yoruichi answered with a naughty smirk.

"How big is he?" Rangiku whispered.

The women watched impatiently as Yoruichi thought for a moment. "You've seen my purple monster-" Rangiku's eyes widened. "I have one called 'Kisuke'—since he designed it for me."

"Holy shit Yoruichi! Don't scare me like that!" Rangiku blurted, her knees weak. She plopped down in the chair. Looking at Nanao and Lisa she could tell she wasn't the only one who'd thought, if only for a minute, that Kisuke had a foot-long cock.

"I'll show it to you…if Nanao tells us who she wants to pick," Yoruichi finished with a smirk.

All eyes were on the bespectacled lieutenant. Nanao knew there was no escaping this time. Swallowing the lump in her throat she answered, still a little unsure of herself. "I don't know. Ichigo?"

Yoruichi let out an over-exaggerated sigh, "Who doesn't? Try again."

"Yea, that's like the default answer. I could have said the same thing," Rangiku commented.

Nanao decided to just get it over with and tell them. She really didn't know what she was so nervous about considering her present company. They never judged anyone, not seriously anyway. "Shinji," she proclaimed before squeezing her eyes shut.

The silence was deafening. Nanao cracked one lid open to take in the expressions of the women who were surely judging her, but instead of the repulsed faces she was expecting they almost looked proud.

"Shinji's a freak…and I mean a super freak." Lisa was the first to speak up. "Good choice though. Ambitious."

Rangiku and Yoruichi just smiled as the latter stood and moved towards the ladder.

"Where you going'?" Rangiku asked as she began to clean up the area.

Yoruichi grinned. "To get my Kisuke."

-o0o-

Lisa and Nanao parted ways with their fearless leaders as soon as they entered the eleventh division. There was already a small crowd forming around the training grounds. Damn Yoruichi for always being right. Just as she'd expected, her attire was bringing unwanted attention, though she had to admit that she did look good. They'd forced her into a black latex cat suit with an extremely low V in the front. For the first time in her life she was grateful for her complete lack of cleavage. If she was any bigger she was sure the crowd would be seeing more than just a fight. Her long bangs swept over her eye leaving her completely blind on that side. _'At least the shoes are comfortable,'_ she thought looking down at the black leather platform boots.

Nanao spotted Momo in the crowd and left Lisa to make her way over to Ikkaku, who was already waiting for her alone on the practice field. He raised an eyebrow while giving her a thorough once over, but said nothing. They moved to their respective sides and Lisa tried to come up with some sort of game plan. It was hard to think with the noise from those gathered to watch, but she made do. A quick glance up revealed almost all of the members of the Society in attendance. Pulling out her zanpakuto and doing a couple practice swings, she went over the instructions she'd given to Nanao. Since even she didn't know exactly what she was going to do, she'd just told the lieutenant of the eighth to follow her no matter what happened and never stop recording.

"Yo!" called her bald opponent from the other side of the field. "We just gonna stand here all day, or are you having second thoughts?"

"Now that you mention it, I am." Her back was still turned to the bloodthirsty madman, so she was forced to forgo the pleasure of witnessing Ikkaku's expression. "I should have asked someone stronger. You won't even be a challenge."

Lisa turned, bringing palm to face, summoning her hollow mask. The swirl of her distinctly Visored reiatsu excited Ikkaku more than anything had in a long time. A crazed smile stretched across his face as she charged him.

"Grow. Hozukimaruuuuuuuuuu!" he yelled slamming the hilt of his sword and its sheath together, then pointing the now released spear directly at the masked woman. In a flash of shunpo she was behind him bringing her sword down. He blocked the attack with ease.

"You're fast," he spun to face the latex clad Visored. "But not fast enough."

He lunged forward, bombarding her with attacks from every direction. As quick as he proved to be, she dodged them all. On Ikkaku's final thrust Lisa spun off his shoulder catching him in the back of the head with an elbow. Almost immediately he whirled around swinging the spear around at an alarming rate. She jumped back, but was too late. A gash opened up on her arm and blood trickled out onto her bodysuit.

Ikkaku grinned like a maniac. "Gotcha."

Lisa knew she needed to take this fight to the next level and quick, before Ikkaku got too immersed. She hadn't wanted to go all out because, frankly, the idea of having sex covered in cuts, bruises and dirt didn't really appeal to her. _'Time to try something else.'_

Nanao watched the fight with bated breath. She knew full well how serious the eleventh division took combat of any kind, and was beginning to wonder if Lisa would be able to pull it off. She hadn't made a move yet, but her mentor had better turn this around fast before she ended up in the fourth division.

"What do you think she's gonna do?" Momo asked, leaning towards her friend so she could be heard over the cheers of the crowd.

Nanao shrugged. "I honestly don't know."

The little lieutenant gave her a worried expression, then turned her attention back to the fight.

Ikkaku stared at the woman he barely knew as she lifted her hand to her face and her mask disappeared. Her spiritual tang dropped significantly, causing the powerful third seat to frown. "You giving up?"

Her answer came with the next words.

"Smash. Haguro Tonbo."

Ikkaku's eyes lit up when he saw the huge weapon, and just like that she was gone. On instinct he brought his pole up to defend himself. A good thing too, because the next thing he knew it felt like a tree trunk had fallen on top of him. It was hard to equate this sensation with the sight of the cold-eyed female bearing down upon him with her own pike. Then she was gone again.

Ikkaku was having a hard time following her erratic movements, mostly because she didn't seem to be attacking. He felt a hand on his shoulder, then it was gone, taking with it the right side of his robe. Was she taunting him? He quickly ripped the remaining fabric from his body, dropping it to the ground.

Lisa decided to use her small size and agility against him. Her shunpo wasn't as good as a captain's, but it was on par with his if not a little better. She left off her fusillade and settled back in front of him to watch the show. His body was as close to perfect as one could get, which more than made up for his extraordinarily ordinary face.

"The hell are you doing?" her half naked opponent asked. "You gonna play games or fight?"

"Why can't we do both?"

Ikkaku's raised eyebrow. His overall look of confusion told Lisa that this wouldn't be as easy as she'd hoped. He snorted at the question and not wasting a second more, attacked. From that point on the fight was extremely one-sided. Lisa no longer initiated attacks, but simply dodged and ran trying to preserve her hair and outfit. She defended herself when avoiding the attack was impossible, but for the most part she was simply trying to devise some kind of plan before he killed her. The more she ran, the angrier he got and the more fearsome the contest became.

Lisa didn't know how long they'd been at it, but fatigue was beginning to kick in. It was time for drastic measures. She summoned her hollow mask once again and returned her sword to its sealed form; her reiatsu flared. The boost in speed was exactly what she needed. One minute she was halfway across the field and the next she was close enough to kiss him. Ikkaku's eyes widened, but to his surprise and everyone watching, she did not attack. Instead her hand moved down and gripped his surprisingly hard manhood. She smiled as she thought of the fun she'd have with it later. _'This fight needs to be over NOW.'_ She would have simply dropped her zanpakuto in the dirt and jumped him if she wasn't afraid he'd take the opening to cut her head off.

The action silenced their audience, confusion written all over their faces. What kind of sparring match was this?

"That's what I'm talkin about," yelled a voice Lisa immediately recognized as Kukaku's.

She got in one good stroke before he knocked her hand away. He looked even angrier now. What the hell was wrong with him? Couldn't he take a hint?

"Your secret attacks won't work on me," Ikkaku sneered.

Seriously? Lisa was glad her mask hid the blank stare she gave the now-charging bald man. She easily sidestepped his rush. He reached out in an attempt to grab her only to find she wasn't there.

"Behind you," whispered the slightly distorted voice. She reached around Ikkaku's body and raked her nails down his chest hard enough to draw blood. He grabbed her wrist and flung her halfway across the field. A cloud of dirt surrounded her as she landed hard and slid across the ground. Wasting no time, she jumped back to her feet and flash-stepped toward him. Ikkaku got down, ready to counter whatever she threw at him. Like a trained gymnast she leapt into a somersault, coming down on the topless man. Their zanpakuto clashed as her knees connected with Ikkaku's chest knocking him to the ground.

Behind her mask Lisa smiled. She would make sure he understood this time. Straddling his torso and pining his hands above his head, she squeezed as hard as she could, stopping any attempt he made to get up. He was obviously surprised by her strength.

"Pinned ya," said the warped and surprisingly seductive Hollow voice.

Ikkaku wrestled one hand free to punch Lisa directly in the mask. Catching the second punch she slammed his arm back to the ground.

"Pinned ya again."

The nerve on Ikkaku's head throbbed dangerously, his eye twitched, and his reiatsu flared far beyond what should have been possible for a third seat. It was amusing to watch albeit a little scary. She leaned forward, her mask dissolving from her face in a golden glow. With a quick look into his wild gaze, she smashed her lips onto his. His eyes went wide and his body stiffened. It was like kissing a brick wall.

The entire situation was awkward. It was quiet…too quiet. The crowd had obviously been stunned into silence. She could feel the hundreds of eyes on them, but tried to ignore it. Lisa softened the kiss willing him to relax. It didn't happen. Deciding to take a risk she slowly released one of his hands. When he didn't move to attack she reached up to stroke his head.

She'd closed her eyes as soon as she went in for the kiss, for the simple fact that she didn't want his crazed expression to turn her off, but now she needed to see him…needed to look into that expressive face. Lisa pulled back ending the kiss (if it could even be called that) and looked down.

His face was unreadable. He didn't look mad, but he didn't exactly look like he wanted to skip through a field of sunflowers either.

"It can't be that bad," she purred as she stroked his head.

His eyes narrowed in feigned agitation but he didn't reply.

"Don't be like that just because I kicked your ass. You can kill me another day."

He seemed to seriously consider that last part. For a moment Lisa thought that she would be the first one to fail a mission by way of death. But then something completely unexpected happened. Ikkaku smirked.

"Shut up. Idiot. I went easy on ya."

"Hmf." she grunted before suddenly attacking Ikkaku's mouth again, not interested in whatever else he had to say. She released his other hand, fairly sure he wouldn't try to escape, placing it on the side of his face. He still didn't kiss her back, but he didn't tense up. Progress had been made.

"If you assholes ain't gonna fuck I'm leaving."

Apparently, Ikkaku had forgotten about their rather large audience, because at the sound of Grimmjow's voice, he stirred uncomfortably. Not wanting him to go brick wall on her again Lisa did the only thing she could think of to get his attention back on her. She ground her hips down onto his member and gently raked her nails across his smooth head. He moaned into the kiss allowing her to slide her tongue into his warm mouth. His hands moved slowly to her waist as he raised his hips to meet her warmth. He slipped his tongue over hers and she let him take control.

Lisa slid her hand down his muscular chest and into his hakama, seizing his growing erection and making him shudder.

"Fuck," he moaned into her mouth. Moving his free hand behind Lisa's head he quickly flipped her on her back and pressed his straining erection against her. Lisa's back bowed off the ground as Ikkaku deepened the kiss…the best Lisa ever recalled getting.

"Hell yea!" Kukaku screamed pulling the lovers from their trance.

Ikkaku pulled back obviously frustrated about the interruption. He was rock hard and Lisa was breathless, lips swollen from their heated kiss. Her eyes fluttered open as she struggled to form a coherent thought.

"Hold on to me," he practically growled to her. That was all the warning she got before they disappeared in a flash of shunpo.

The audience remained silent, with one notable exception. "Damn them," Grimmjow huffed loudly. "First they make us watch that lame-ass fight. Then, they disappear right when it was getting good. I'm out."

While many of the eleventh division members seemed confused as to what had been going on at the end, all came to realize that there would be no more fighting this day. Others soon followed the former sixth Espada's lead and left.

"Well, I guess the show's over." Yoruichi came, walking up behind Momo and Nanao, putting her arms around their shoulders.

"I guess so," Momo responded.

The captain gave her friend a pointed look, "Don't you think you should get going?"

It was then that Nanao remembered that her job was not yet finished. She'd gotten so caught up in what was happening on the field it had completely slipped her mind that she was supposed to follow when they left. She looked up at the golden-eyed captain and nodded before disappearing in a flash.

Before Lisa even realized what had happened they were at what she assumed was Ikkaku's living quarters. He carried her over the threshold and kicked the door shut, her legs still firmly wrapped around his waist. She wasted no time resuming their kiss. Ikkaku spun around slamming her back against the door. He held firmly onto her ass with one hand and pulled at the neck of her latex suit with the other.

Deserting his lips, Lisa redirected her attention to his neck, doing more biting than kissing. His head fell back as he allowed her to ravish him.

"Bed," she panted between bites.

He grunted in apparent understanding and began stumbling to make it to his bedroom, knocking into walls and chairs on the way. Pushing his way through the door, he lurched onto the futon and dropped to his knees. With a hand planted on each side of her head he tried to regain his composure, but Lisa wouldn't allow it. Ikkaku found himself being pulled into yet another heated lip-lock. Their tongues dueled for control as Ikkaku was finally able to rip the stretchy fabric from her shoulder revealing pebbled pink nipples. He roughly took one into his mouth and bit hard…too hard, but before Lisa's fist could communicate her displeasure a loud bang came from outside startling them both.

Ikkaku pulled away and hovered over her, finally getting a chance to think. How had their shitty sparring match turned into this? He got to his feet leaving Lisa lying on her back. Waving for her to stay put, he made his way out of the room. Lisa sat up and gave her body a quick once over. She was dirty, bruised and bloody…decidedly not sexy. Even though at that moment there was nothing more she'd rather do than have the bald man drill her into the floor. Now that the heated foreplay was over she was painfully aware of how filthy she was.

A knock at the window pulled her from her self-appraisal. She turned to see Nanao, who she'd honestly forgotten all about, staring at her with an unreadable expression. Lisa jumped up, rushed to the window and quickly opened it.

"Was that you making all that noise," the Visored asked her accomplice.

The lieutenant nodded. "I tripped," she responded irritably. "That idiot has booby-traps set up all over the place."

Lisa smirked shaking her head in amusement. "I honestly forgot all about you. You kind of interrupted, but it's fine," she waved off the woman's apologetic look. "I need a shower so you can just stay here." Lisa paused a moment, "On second thought just follow your instincts. We might not make it to the bathroom. Who knows" she shrugged and turned, leaving Nanao alone at the window, and began her search for the bathroom.

Almost immediately she heard Ikkaku's voice. _'Who's he talking to?'_ Lisa moved as quietly as she could down the hall, following the voice. _'Is he singing?'_ she thought with a crease in her brow. The closer she got, the more apparent it became that there was indeed was a musical production being put on in what she finally decided was the bathroom.

"Luc luc luc…luc luc luc…lu lu lu lu lu LUC…luc luc luc LUC…Luck luck luck luck LUUUUCK! LUCKY!" came the voice from inside.

'_What the hell is he doing in there?'_

All of a sudden the door opened.

"Shit!" Lisa mumbled, willing her body to turn and run, but it was too late. Ikkaku was staring at her with a curious expression.

"What are you doing?"

"I want to take a shower." she answered a little too quickly.

Ikkaku, not noticing her suspicious behavior, eyed the both of them and grunted. "I guess we could kinda use one." He shrugged as he stepped past her and continued down the hall. "I'll get you a towel," he called over his shoulder.

Lisa stepped into the bathroom, not bothering to close the door, and peeled the cat suit from her body and took a moment to mourn for her ruined hair. When Ikkaku returned he froze at the door. There was a naked woman in his shower. Not that he'd thought she bathed with her clothes on but…

Lisa turned her head peeking one eye open. "You getting in?"

It was then that Ikkaku realized something was missing...besides her clothes. Two large turquoise orbs regarded him curiously.

"Where are your glasses?"

"I don't bathe in them," she replied sounding mildly annoyed.

He grunted absently as he laid the towel across the sink and began to strip.

Lisa didn't bother hiding the fact that she was watching him. It was no time to be coy. He stepped in the shower, closing the curtain behind him. There was a moment of awkwardness before he quickly washed himself, making sure to avoid any kind of contact with the raven-haired woman, and got out.

Lisa stood as the water cascaded over her petite frame, staring at the door. _'He must be coming back,'_ she thought.

He never did.

"What the _fuck?_" the sexually frustrated woman yelled, hoping to hell that her host had heard her. She quickly scrubbed herself down and exited the shower, eager to see just what the bald man thought he was doing. You don't just give a girl the best kiss she's ever had in her life, bring her back to your house, get her naked in the shower and then say, "Thanks for coming. Enjoy yourself."

Lisa padded down the hallway back to his bedroom. There he was, naked on his futon, fingers laced behind his head. "Took ya long enough." He smiled when Lisa was unable to reply or even be polite enough to look at his face.

She quickly glanced at the window looking for Nanao. Didn't see her, but she could hardly go find out where she was especially with Ikkaku laying there ready and waiting. A wicked grin appeared on her face as she dropped her towel to the floor, crawled between his legs and took as much of him in her mouth as she could.

"Shiiiiit," Ikkaku moaned, his eyes involuntarily shutting.

Her tongue swirled skillfully around his fully erect member. Then…

"ACK!" Lisa suddenly gagged.

Ikkaku's eyes widened in horror. 'Ack' was never something you want to hear from a person who's just had your penis in their mouth.

"What _is_ that!" Lisa exclaimed, her tongue hanging out of her mouth as she wiped it with her hands. "It tastes like poison."

"It does not," Ikkaku snapped.

"Yuuuuuuk! It's so…_gross_," she whined, dramatically grabbing her throat with both hands. She got up and darted to the bathroom to rinse her mouth, leaving Ikkaku alone with his wounded ego.

Outside, Nanao's eyes opened and darted around. How had she gotten on the ground? The unwilling voyeur sat up as the memory of Ikkaku's naked body assaulted her. _'I don't think I'm ready for this,'_ she thought as she got to her feet and peeked into the window. The third seat was still naked but his expression told her something must have gone wrong. Quickly turning on the camera and bracing herself for the long night ahead of her, she began recording.

Moments later Lisa returned with a wet washcloth in her hand, back to her composed self. "Are you trying to kill me?"

Ikkaku's mortified expression would have been amusing if it weren't for the fact that she was pretty sure he had just tried to pull the old toxic cock trick on her.

"What the hell are you talking about?" he hollered. "You think you can just insult me like that and get away with it?"

"I didn't insult you," she said calmly, pushing her glasses up on her nose. "But something is very wrong. Did you put something on?"

With a reluctant scowl Ikkaku thought for a moment. "You're crazy. I didn't put nothing on but cologne."

"Why would you spray it on your cock? Wipe it off." She threw the washcloth into the man's lap rolling her eyes.

He angrily snatched the cloth and began busily cleaning himself. Throwing the rag to the side he glared at the still naked woman in the doorway.

Sighing Lisa knelt down in front of Ikkaku and kissed him. She simply had to complete the mission, and so far kissing seemed to be the only thing he wouldn't fuck up.

For her part Nanao felt like a pervert…a Peeping Tom. Her palms were sweating as she held the camera and there felt like nuclear mutated butterflies in her stomach. _'It will all be over soon,'_ she told herself while swallowing the lump in her throat. When Ikkaku started pushing Lisa's head down to his groin Nanao's eyes went wide. _'Oh gods, I can't take this.'_

"Fuck yea," he moaned as his member was swallowed with ease. Reaching down he rolled her nipples between his sword calloused hands.

It was a little rough, but not completely unpleasant. Blunt nails raked across toned abs coaxing a surprising whimper from the brute's lips. He raised his hips, thrusting his cock deep into her throat until it blocked her air passage. Her eyes glazed over as she struggled to hold her breath. She fought against Ikkaku's hand as he steadily forced her head down. Only when she began to gag did he release her head. She jerked back, gasping for air. Lisa looked around uncomfortably. This night just kept getting better and better. Nothing was going right. Had it not been for the mission she'd be on her way out the door.

Before she could voice her displeasure at yet another stupid and completely unacceptable thing he had done, she found herself on her back with Ikkaku looking down on her with almost the same expression from when they were sparring. He took one nipple into his mouth as he sloppily groped the other with a hand that made sandpaper feel like a baby's ass. She squirmed awkwardly under him as he continued to lick, suck and poke every inch of her delicate frame. He panted and moaned in such an exaggerated way that Lisa could barely believe she wasn't having the most mind-blowing experience of her life. Glancing over to the window, she saw Nanao watching with a less than enthused expression. Lisa felt sorry for her. The poor girl would be scarred for life after seeing such a disastrous attempt at foreplay. She sighed loudly and rolled her eyes hoping he would get the hint.

His head snapped up and for a moment Lisa thought she would be spared, but she would have no such luck.

He grinned at her with hungry eyes. "Turn over," he said with a low husky voice. "I know you want this dick." He grabbed the base of his erect member and shook it, in an attempt to entice her, Lisa supposed. _'Best to just get it over with,_' she told herself, as she followed the man's instructions. Mid-turn, his rough hand connected with her rear in a hard smack. Lisa yelped as she was pushed the rest of the way over and yanked by her waist to her knees. She looked back over her shoulder at Ikkaku's wide-eyed expression and wondered if her ass had undergone some kind of amazing change since the last time she'd seen it.

She watched as he smacked each cheek with his cock and rubbed the leaking head up and down her crack. Her eyes widened when it brushed her puckered pink hole. By no means was she a prude, but there were some things she simply wouldn't do, especially not with Mister Psycho. He'd probably rip her in half. Everything he did was too rough. No, he definitely would not be taking a stroll on her Hershey highway. She braced herself for the pain she knew was coming, since she was about as dry as Byakuya at a party. He reverently caressed each cheek before leaning forward and whispering, "You ready for this?"

Lisa sighed in irritation, just barely able to hold back from saying 'Just put it in already!'

Among his many other talents, Ikkaku must have been a mind reader because at that moment he rammed into her with a loud grunt. He pulled out slowly, his body shuddering, before slamming back in hard. Reaching forward, he grabbed a handful of her ebony locks as he settled into a steady rhythm. The harsh act pulled Lisa out of what was probably the first ever recorded sweatdrop during sex. First she thought that maybe this whole thing was a sick twisted joke, but as she listened to the uninhibited moans coming from the bald man's mouth, she knew it wasn't. He was honestly and truly enjoying this. Then something else dawned on the Visored, something appalling…scandalous even.

Ikkaku was a virgin. He had to be. There was just no other explanation for a man making passionate love to a woman's thighs. Inexcusable!

Lisa was torn. Should she say something and crush his pride? Should she squeeze her thighs together, and break his dick off as punishment for being a stupid inexperienced asshole who couldn't tell the difference between a car engine and a vagina?

"It's so good you're speechless," Ikkaku panted, interrupting her inner rant.

Lisa's eye twitched menacingly as the rhythmic slapping of flesh filled her ears. He had made her decision for her. She shook her head urging him to release his hold on her hair. He did, moving his hand to her waist as he continued to savagely pound into her legs. Glancing back over her shoulder and into his lust-filled eyes, her blood boiled. How dare he enjoy himself so thoroughly while simultaneously putting her through such misery?

"You're not even IN!" she screeched.

Lisa's complaint fell on deaf ears.

"It feels good, don't it," asked an oblivious Ikkaku as his speed increased.

Lisa stared back in disbelief as she was fucked like a plastic sex doll. She tried in vain to at least avoid getting whiplash as each thrust became harder than the last. Her thighs were beginning to burn from the friction and she wondered how his cock hadn't burst into flames. This had to stop. She had technically already completed the mission so there really was nothing preventing her from getting up and leaving except for the death grip Ikkaku had on her hips.

Outside Nanao's hand slapped over her mouth to muffle her yelp. She had known something was off. She herself was a virgin, but over the last couple of weeks, she'd seen enough sex to know more or less what it was supposed to look like. And that was not it. Besides the fact that Lisa had remained suspiciously silent throughout the entire ordeal, she had also never shown a single sign of pleasure; which seemed to Nanao to be the whole point of having sex.

Glancing to the right Lisa could see Nanao's shocked expression even with the camera hiding half of her face. She was obviously having a hard time understanding what she was seeing. Turning to face Ikkaku again she attempted to yell over his crazed moans, but it was too late. He slammed into her hard one last time before pulling out and crying out something that sounded suspiciously like, "HOZUKIMARUUUU!"

"GAH! My _eye_!"

**Next meeting**

"Ok everybody sit down so we can start the video." Yoruichi announced with a smirk. "Oh, but not by Lisa. She has pinkeye."

"I don't have pinkeye," Lisa snapped, crossing her arms.

Kukaku jumped to her feet, hands waving. "As much as I really…really want to see how you got that eye, I want to see who catwoman picks more."

Yoruichi's eyes rolled as a low chuckle escaped her lips.

"Yea!" Nel exclaimed. "Pick first!" She jumped up and ran to grab the chest, bringing it back to her captain.

Yoruichi glanced at Rangiku who just smiled and shrugged. The werecat sighed loudly and dug her hand into the chest, yanking out the first paper her fingers touched.

She stared at the slip blankly for a moment before throwing her head back in hysterical laughter.

**-o0o-**

**Poor Lisa. I'll make it up to her. Maybe.**


	8. Pimping 101

**A/N: Ok I know I took like FOREVER with this chapter, but if it makes it any better it's long as hell. *grin* and to Hypotia, the only person who guessed the pairing correctly, I hope I did it some justice. **

**Random: Someone asked me how do I come up with these ridiculous ideas, especially the one with Lisa and Ikkaku. Sooo… just because I love you guys so much (and I really do) I'll tell you. The truth is that unfortunately many (not all) of these things have actually happened to me *gasp* LMAO. (I'll pause a moment so that you can feel sorry for me.) As far as Yoruichi, Kukaku, Rangiku, and Nel's drunken stupidity, a lot of that comes from things that me and my three best friends have done or would do or whatever. We are the 'fun bunch'.**

**Anywho, a BIG thanks to my beta's Tomas the Betrayer, the comedic genius, and Mishiko Shinsei, just an all around nut case like myself. They make me look good.**

**Chapter 8 – Pimping 101**

"Well?" Kukaku demanded impatiently.

Their Vice President paused just long enough to heighten the agony before divulging her pick. "It's Shunsui."

The rest of the women looked on in amusement and, she rather liked to think, envy. At least Nanao wasn't having a seizure at the prospect. Yoruichi couldn't believe her luck. She'd always been curious about the womanizing Eighth Squad captain. Score!

Rangiku came to the front as Yoruichi took her seat, grin still plastered on her face. The President raised a hand, bringing all chatter to a halt. "Before we move on to tonight's lesson I believe Lisa and Nanao have a video for our viewing pleasure."

She smiled at the seething Visored as Nanao rose from her seat to turn the video over to Nemu. Within moments the lights were cut and sounds of clashing steel filled the room.

"We've already seen this," Kukaku complained. "Skip it."

"Yeah. Get to the good part," Nel agreed.

Several other members rowdily urged Nemu to skip the fight they'd all been present for and cheered when she finally complied. Nanao gave Lisa an apologetic look as the video started. The Visored was relieved to find that her accomplice hadn't started recording until after the cologne fiasco. Unfortunately she'd begun before Lisa had returned with the cloth for Ikkaku. So naturally Kukaku needed a full explanation of what had occurred. Quickly and reluctantly, she explained about the 'poison' and the sickening way it tasted.

Lisa glared around the room, daring anyone to say something. To her chagrin, Nanao was the one who laughed first. She frowned as her former subordinate's dainty giggle transformed into a roar of mirth.

"So that's what that was all about?" Nanao pulled her glasses from her face and wiped the tears that were beginning to stream down. "I'm really sorry, but you can't tell me that you don't think it's even a little funny."

Lisa continued to pout as everyone mocked her misfortune. She did not relish Kukaku and Yoruichi seeing this video. They would never let her live it down. "Just push play so we can get this over with," she grumbled.

"Testy, aren't we?" Yoruichi teased as they resumed the tape.

Time passed in a blur as Lisa was forced to relive what was quite possibly the worst night of her life, and very quickly decided that seeing it on video was even more horrific than the actual experience had been. To her surprise, as things went from bad to worse, the faces of her friends became more and more sympathetic. By the end of the video Captain Unohana had a small tear in her eye.

The mood was somber as Nemu turned off the projector and Rangiku flicked the lights back on. The laughter and teasing Lisa had expected never came. Yoruichi shuffled over to the Visored with a solemn expression. Grabbing the younger woman's hands, she pulled her from her seat and into a soothing embrace.

"You poor thing. I am sooo sorry."

Lisa couldn't have been more surprised if Yoruichi had told her she was really a man. She watched in disbelief as the rest of the women stood and gathered around her and the golden-eyed captain.

"Group hug," Orihime shouted cheerily.

And then they were all glomping her. Some of the ladies were practically in tears, and the rest expressed either words of encouragement or offers to dispose of Madarame outright with no one being the wiser. While the incident was traumatic Lisa didn't think it warranted all this. Apparently having horrible sex was a fate worse than death.

"If it would help lessen the pain, dear," Unohana began sympathetically, "I could arrange for him to be accidentally castrated at his next physical checkup."

"Uhhh…" Lisa regarded her warily.

"It's no trouble, really!" the ancient healer continued, contriving to wear a saintly smile while discussing something absolutely reprehensible. "Nowhere near as hard as trying to explain away an unscheduled lobotomy. People look at you funny for weeks afterwards. Why, even Captain Kurotsuchi…!"

"Ok, enough with this disgusting show of emotion," Kukaku complained, breaking up the group's embrace.

Lisa was extremely relieved not to have to hear the rest of that story. All but Yoruichi made their way back to their seats. With a hand on each of the bespectacled woman's shoulders, she looked tenderly into the Visored's eyes. "We'll get through this. Together." She pulled Lisa in for another embrace, rubbing her back in a very motherly way. "You can help me with my mission." Releasing the confused woman, Yoruichi then backed away. "You know, I think we can all use a little pick-me-up after what we've just been through."

Lisa rolled her eyes at that. All _they've_ been through? She was the one with the humiliating sex tape. Though it was kind of nice how much they seemed to care.

"I was planning to save this for Kaku and Ran's parties, but I think now is as good a time as any." Yoruichi disappeared up the ladder and into her bedroom, returning with a large box. "Hey Kaku, there's one more up in my room."

The one-armed woman cocked her head. "So?"

"So go get it, ass," Yoruichi huffed.

Kukaku unenthusiastically went to retrieve the other box as Yoruichi gently set hers down on the floor.

"What's this?" Rangiku trotted up beside her curiously.

Yoruichi grinned as Kukaku descended from above and everyone gathered around. She gingerly opened the box and pulled out one of the bottles inside with a wide grin.

"This is the new man in my life." Yoruichi lovingly kissed the label, earning her more than a few raised eyebrows.

"Come again?" replied a puzzled Kukaku.

Their hostess leapt to her feet. "Ladies, meet Jack." She was met with more blank stares and decided to go into greater detail. "It's American whiskey. The box Kukaku has is the original blend, Jack Daniels, and this brand is Gentleman Jack."

They all regarded her purchase with skepticism. Feeling somewhat miffed at their unenthusiastic response she snapped, "Just get some cups." Rangiku obeyed as Kukaku followed behind her filling their glasses.

"Why can't we have that one?" Nel asked, pointing to the bottle in her captain's hand.

"Pah!" Yoruichi scoffed. "You just don't pass a gentleman around like a gigolo. This is strictly for special occasions. I was planning to use it for Ran's party, but we can drink the regular stuff anytime."

Rangiku eyed the drink with uncertainty before bringing it to her nose. "GAH!" she squeaked. "My nose!"

"Don't sniff it, you idiot. Here," Yoruichi grabbed the coke from the table, "Mix it with this."

"I don't need to mix my drink like some kind of pussy," Kukaku announced before taking a big gulp from her cup. Her eyes quickly became three times their normal size as she let out a chest-rattling cough. "SHIT!" she croaked between hacks.

Nel, not wanting to miss an opportunity to abuse the bandaged beauty, stepped forward and whacked her hard on the back. Kukaku turned and glared at the Arrancar, who gave her an innocent smile in return. "I was just trying to help."

"It's kinda strong. I probably should have mentioned that," Yoruichi grinned.

A still panting Kukaku looked up at her friend with a devilish smirk. "I'm gonna steal your man. I think I'm in love."

Yoruichi cackled. "I knew you'd like him! If you treat me good, I'll share him with you."

"I'll treat you the same way I always treat you… like the hooker you are." Kukaku winked at her purple-haired friend as she guzzled the rest of the drink, already craving the pleasant burn it had left in her chest.

Rangiku made her way to the front, cup in hand. "Everyone sit down so we can get to the lesson, but please continue to enjoy your drinks… or enjoy Jack, I guess I should say. Nemu, set it up," she commanded.

There was a moment of darkness before the projector screen illuminated the room.

"Pimping 101?" Kukaku read aloud. A 'you've-got-to-be-shitting-me' expression was plastered on her face.

"It's a very important skill to have. If you shut up for a minute you might learn something." Ignoring Kukaku's obvious disbelief, Matsumoto began the class.

**Week 7: Yoruichi Shihoin and Shunsui Kyoraku**

**Mission: Pimping 101 – Yoruichi's Father**

**Day 1**

Kukaku grinned like a Cheshire Cat as she sipped her new favorite drink, Jack on the rocks.

After Rangiku had finished the lesson, she'd pulled the fireworks expert to the side while the rest of the ladies got better acquainted with Mr. Daniels. The strawberry-blonde had a problem; no suitable mission could be concluded for this particular pairing. No one had suspected that the sex goddess would draw Shunsui, and it was pretty safe to assume there wasn't much the man was unwilling to do. She needed something that would challenge the Vice President of the SWSS and Kukaku was more than happy to assist.

_"Ok, Vice President Shihoin," Rangiku paused and smiled wickedly at Kukaku. "Your mission, should you choose to accept it… and you better… is to get Captain Kyoraku to do everything listed here." She handed her friend a small piece of paper before backing away cautiously._

_Yoruichi grinned like an idiot when she saw the list. 'This will be a piece of cake,' she thought, until Rangiku continued. "But, under no condition are you allowed to have sex."_

_Her jaw hit the floor. "WHAT?" She jumped from her seat, steam almost visibly coming from her ears. "How the hell am I supposed to do that?"_

_"Calm down," Rangiku huffed. "You're scaring Nel. And what do you mean 'how are you supposed to do it'? Use your womanly charms."_

"You're a bitch. I know this was your idea," Yoruichi spat at her vulgarly dressed friend.

The usual party of four plus Lisa sat leisurely on Yoruichi's super-sized bed. Their hostess was obviously on a mission to destroy her liver in a single night. Nel lay barely conscious, her head in Kukaku's lap, completely unaware that her cleavage was being used as the Shiba leader's cup holder. The green-haired Arrancar let out a drunken giggle.

"Captain Kitty is maaad," she slurred as she reached up attempting to touch her pillow's nose.

"Don't blame me," Kukaku snapped, slapping Nel's hand away. "Blame Ran!"

"Whaaaa?" Rangiku screeched with wide eyes.

The raven-haired woman ignored her and redirected her attention to Nel. "And you, be still before you spill my drink."

Yoruichi glared at Rangiku who flinched slightly. "Don't be like that," the blonde whined, suddenly taking an interest in the cup being held securely in Nel's bosom. Why hadn't she ever thought of that? Brilliant! "You didn't think I'd make it easy for you, did you?" she asked absently as she carefully wedged her cup between her breasts.

The werecat snorted. "Yeah…but NO sex? That's a little extreme, don't you think?"

Each woman looked to the other before Lisa finally spoke up. "Well, you won't get any sympathy from me. I wish that had been my mission." She then engaged in her latest determined attempt to erase certain memories from her head. "On the other hand, while I've never actually had the pleasure, I've heard stories and seen things that would make your hair fall out. And not just on your head. Being Shunsui's lieutenant had its perks." She paused for a moment. "You know what they say about men with female Zanpakuto," she added as an afterthought.

Yoruichi groaned. "You're not helping, Lisa."

"What do they say?" Nel asked, suddenly interested.

"Well, it was Kukaku's idea," Rangiku piped up, finally securing the cup. She looked up gleefully just as a knock came at the window. Outside Sui-Feng regarded them all with a look of equal parts curiosity and condemnation. Nel bolted upright, spilling Kukaku's drink all over herself.

"What do they sayyyyy?" the former Espada whined.

"Goddammit, Nel," Kukaku yelled at the sight of her wasted liquor.

"She scared me," Nel complained, pointing to the tiny Second Squad captain standing outside the window. "Anyway, why don't you use your own? They're bigger than mine." She folded her arms across her bountiful bust, upset that no one would answer her question.

"No way in hell," Kukaku laughed.

Ignoring the bickering women, Sui-Feng addressed Yoruichi. "All the invitations have been delivered, just like you asked." She smiled the smile she only reserved for her beloved Lady Shihoin.

"Thanks. Want a drink?" the half-drunk noble asked, glancing back at Nel and Kukaku who were seconds away from stripping in order to decide whose boobs were bigger.

Without even considering the offer the tiny captain quickly declined. "No thank you, my Lady, I have other matters that require my attention." She didn't want to be there when they whipped those puppies out.

Yoruichi turned a very dark look on her. "Get in here," she commanded in a voice that left no room for argument.

Sui-Feng was through the window and on the bed with a cup in hand before you could say 'stalker'.

"Hey, Sui-Feng," Kukaku called. "Whose are bigger?"

"Wha…what?" she stammered, face heating up. Before she was forced to answer the ninja captain was saved by a still slightly irritated Yoruichi.

"Nel's are bigger, now shut up about it." Ignoring Neliel's groan of displeasure, she then turned to her former student. "And you… drink."

Sui-Feng was no drinker, but her tolerance had grown considerably since her ill-fated date with Ulquiorra. She never drank at all except for the Society's weekly meetings, but that was enough. Bringing the cup to her lips she downed the shot in a couple of gulps. A frown wrinkled her brow as it went down, recognizing it as the brand Yoruichi had forced upon the group the night before.

"Hey, look," Rangiku slurred. She then bowed her head and proceeded to try and drink the contents of her cup without removing it from her cleavage. All but Yoruichi and Sui-Feng watched in amazement as their comrade lapped her beverage up like a dog. It was an incredible sight. "Awesome, right?" Rangiku giggled. "Sui-Feng, you should try it. It's so much better than holding it in your hands."

The rest of the women exchanged amused glances before every eye in the room fell on the small woman's practically nonexistent chest. Only then did Rangiku realize her gaffe.

"Uh, or you can _not_ try it. Holding stuff in your hands is cool, too. Lisa does it."

The Visored's eyes narrowed. Now two very dangerous brunettes were regarding Matsumoto with dire intent. Rangiku's attempt to salvage the conversation had failed miserably. Yoruichi looked to her student with a knowing smirk. It didn't take much to make her angry and Ran deserved to get her ass kicked after slapping that shitty mission on her.

Sui-Feng glanced at her former captain, then back to the busty lieutenant who'd just insulted her. Rangiku, sensing the danger she was in, made another attempt to calm the assassin.

"How about another drink?" She quickly refilled everyone's cup, a nervous grin plastered on her face. "Umm, to the lovely Yoruichi…because she's the best at everything." Rangiku lifted her cup in the air and watched as the scowl on Sui-Feng's face disappeared, being replaced by the dopiest grin any of them had ever seen.

_'I got her.'_ The blonde smiled genuinely and Yoruichi couldn't help but do the same. Rangiku was good and her student was hopeless.

"To Lady Yoruichi. The best at everything," Sui-Feng practically squealed. The ladies toasted and drank with Sui-Feng totally unaware she'd been duped.

Two hours and countless drinks later, the women were pleasantly buzzed, all except Sui-Feng who was completely plastered.

"I need to get laid," Kukaku groaned, earning her a glare from Yoruichi.

"Why don't you go see Ayasegawa? I'm sure he wouldn't mind giving you a late night lesson," the were-cat commented sarcastically.

Before Kukaku could reply a very tipsy Nel interrupted. "I still can't believe you did that," she giggled.

"I can't believe it was good," Rangiku intoned.

"Well, believe it." Kukaku said matter-of-factly. "Don't knock it till you try it. It was fucking good, and while I have no doubt that he would indulge me, I need something else," she added, ignoring the skeptical looks of her drinking buddies.

"Would that 'something else' have spiky hair and an eye-patch?" Rangiku giggled.

Shiba shrugged. "It could be he's a scrawny blonde bitch with a tongue ring." She grinned.

"Shinji!" the women yelled in unison.

"Don't judge me."

"I'm not judging. I'm just surprised, is all. Didn't think he'd be your type… he seems to be rather popular," Yoruichi smirked.

"After Yumichika, I have no type," Kukaku stated matter-of-factly.

"Well, you can't talk, Ms. 'I-want-to-fuck- a-dying-man-into-his-grave'," Rangiku interrupted.

"Shut up! He's not dying," Yoruichi snapped in annoyance.

"Ok, we're officially lost," Kukaku gestured to herself and her green-haired counterpart. "Who's dying?"

"What does she mean?" Sui-Feng asked with sad eyes.

"No one's dying," Yoruichi spoke placidly in an attempt to avert further disasters. "When we were getting Lisa ready for her spar with Ikkaku, everyone said who they wanted to pick and I said Jushiro. What's wrong with that?"

"CAPTAIN UKITAKE?" Sui-Feng sputtered, immediately gulping down another drink.

"What's the big fucking deal?" the cat goddess threw her hands up in exasperation. "He's hot. I bet he's not even that sick. He could probably kick all of our asses at once if he wanted to."

Kukaku's head shook in disbelief as she turned to Rangiku. "And who did you say?"

"Kisuke," Matsumoto slurred dreamily. "I wonder if he'll keep his hat on. I'd want him to. It's sexy."

"Green's my favorite color," Nel offered to the uninterested group. "Oh, you know who I want?"

"Who cares? You got Byakuya," said a very drunk Sui-Feng, surprising everyone. "Who'd you want?" The inebriated assassin faced Lisa. "Because I know it wasn't Ikkaku."

"Starrk," Lisa deadpanned, knowing she would never have such luck.

"I want Renji… Ooo, or that really sad-looking one." Nel wagged her eyebrows. She was met with blank stares. "You know. He always looks like he wants to cry."

"Ulquiorra?" Sui-Feng offered.

"Nooo," Nel whined. "The blonde!"

Everyone was glancing bemusedly at each other before Rangiku finally gasped. "Kira? Are you conscious?"

"Barely," Shiba teased.

"What? I bet I could make him smile," Nel giggled.

"I don't doubt it," Kukaku commented before directing her attention to Sui-Feng. "Speaking of Ulquiorra, you hit that yet?"

Her only reply was a light mist of Jack and coke spewed all over her face.

"Ahh!" The one armed-woman wiped her face with the back of her hand. "You are so dead," she growled.

"I know that!" the drunk yelled. She then reached over, taking Yoruichi's drink from her hand and sipping it. "You'll have to catch me first," she smirked before disappearing in a flash of perfected shunpo. The women watched in stunned amusement as Sui-Feng slammed into the window that she'd obviously forgotten was closed and fell in a heap on the floor. They all rushed to the edge of the bed and stared down at the unconscious woman. "Is she d-dead?" Nel whimpered.

"Nah, she's just a lightweight," Kukaku grinned. "She's got spunk though. A little clingy, but I can see why you keep her around," she spoke upon turning to Sui-Feng's idol.

Yoruichi smirked. "Fuck you!"

"Maybe later," the bandaged woman replied with a wink.

"You promise?"

They all laughed as they moved from the side of the bed, deciding to leave the passed-out Captain where she was.

**Day 2**

1. Get him to wash your hair.

2. Get him to cook for you.

3. Get him to buy you something expensive.

4. Get him to help you with your paperwork.

Yoruichi scanned the list she'd been given for the thousandth time, making a mental note to sneak into Kukaku's house and take a shit on her bed… her and Rangiku's both. They really fucked her good. Especially with the paperwork requirement. Getting Shunsui to do his own paperwork was damn near impossible. She'd have to save that one for last.

A smart man wouldn't readily do any of these things for a woman who didn't mean at least something to them. Now someone like Ichigo, or even Renji, could easily be suckered with a little flirting, but Kyoraku was an experienced man who would not be easily tricked. Sure, she and the Eighth Squad captain were good friends but…

The buxom beauty sighed, shoving the paper into her pocked as she entered the captain's assembly hall. _'Another pointless meeting,'_ she thought as she quickly scanned the room. It seemed everyone was there but Kisuke. _'Typical.'_

Yamamoto took a seat at the head of the table and motioned for everyone to do the same. Just then Kisuke dashed in with an apologetic grin on his face. Yoruichi rolled her eyes as she plopped down beside a very grim Byakuya. He regarded her coldly before focusing his attention on their Commander-in-Chief.

"This seat taken?" a smooth baritone voice asked from behind her.

She whirled around and was met with a friendly smile. Shunsui pulled the chair out and settled in beside her. _'Damn Ran and Kaku,'_ she seethed silently.

The Head Captain began the first order of business and Yoruichi tried her best to pay attention. These days their meetings were almost always pointless. Hollows were scarce and there was nothing to report, but Yamamoto would rather die than not follow protocol. Yoruichi's eyes had just begun to glaze over when she felt Shunsui drape his arm over the back of her chair. She glanced back at him with a bored expression and he shot her a wink as he pulled a small saké jug out of his haori.

Yoruichi gawked. Only Shunsui would dare bring alcohol to a meeting. Inconspicuously, she peeked back towards the Head Captain. Either he was unaware of his student's treachery or he simply didn't care. There was no way to be sure. Yoruichi could barely tell if his eyes were open most of the time. Turning back to the gallant louse she hungrily eyed his bottle. She knew it was the good stuff because that's all he ever drank.

Just then a balled up piece of paper landed between the two of them. Yoruichi's head shot up as Shunsui quickly snatched up the paper. Kisuke was glaring at them from across the table.

"Captain Urahara, are you a child of three, or a Captain of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads?" Yamamoto's gravelly voice startled the three misbehaving captains.

Urahara's head shot around. "Uhh, both I suppose," he answered with a sheepish smile. The old man sighed in annoyance, but said nothing. The smile dropped from the scientist's face. "Please don't burn me to ash. I have plans later."

Yoruichi had to cover her mouth to keep from laughing as Byakuya stared at Kisuke in disgust. The Captain-Commander grunted and resumed the meeting, sparing her best friend's life.

The rustling of the paper as Shunsui unfolded it was as loud as gunshots in the respectfully silent assembly hall. It read 'Share or Die' in big letters. Shunsui smirked, then looked to his friend and shrugged. Getting the bottle to him across the table without drawing Yamamoto's attention would be impossible. Yoruichi grabbed the small jug from Kyoraku's hand and, with a quick glance over her shoulder to make sure no one was watching, took a rather sizable gulp.

"Whoa, save some for me," the flamboyant man at her side whispered.

"Sorry," she mouthed.

Within minutes the two of them had drained the contents of the bottle, ignoring the dirty looks they received from Kisuke. It wasn't enough to get Yoruichi drunk, but unfortunately enough to make her annoyingly horny. Across the table, her best friend recognized the look in her slightly glazed-over eyes and smirked. He knew that look well, and it only meant one of two things. Either she'd be coming to see him later or some poor sap was in for one hell of a night. There was no telling how long the meeting would last and Yoruichi was anything but patient when she was in one of her moods.

It was hard for most people to understand his and Yoruichi's relationship (or lack thereof). He supposed if they were normal people they'd have gotten married long ago… maybe even had some kids. But they weren't normal… especially him. There was no doubt they loved each other. In fact there wasn't anyone he loved more. He simply accepted the fact that she was who she was and he suspected it was the same for her. Smiling to himself he watched as his best friend began to fidget, no longer able to sit still. Forgetting all about the saké, Urahara sat back in his chair and prepared to enjoy the show.

Yoruichi was coming to realize that a captain's conclave was the very last place a person should ever drink. She studied all the faces of her colleagues as they pretended to pay attention to whatever was being said. Her eyes rolled in irritation, and that's when she saw it, Kisuke's knowing smirk across the table. It made her want to smack it right off his smartass face.

"Something wrong?"

Shunsui's warm breath caressed Yoruichi's ear, making her shiver involuntarily. She snapped her head around in irritation as he raised a questioning brow. Glaring at him, she crossed her legs in an attempt to control the throbbing between her thighs. He really was ridiculously good-looking. Not that she'd never noticed it before, but alcohol always heightened her senses. At least as far as men were concerned.

"You look like you could use a little more." Kyoraku reached inside of his robe to produce a brand-new bottle, shaking it temptingly in her face.

_'What a cruel, mean, heartless asshole,'_ Yoruichi thought before snatching the small jug and discreetly chugging half of it. It was stronger that the first brew. She made a mental note to find out his supplier as she slid the flask back into Kyoraku's hand under the table. After a silent chuckle he finished it off.

"Is it hot in here?" she whispered, fanning herself with her haori and sighing loudly. Now horny and tipsy, Yoruichi had a problem on her hands. It really was no big deal that she couldn't have sex with Shunsui because there were any number of men she was sure could be persuaded to take care of her. The problem was, the fact that she'd been all but forbidden from having sex with him made her want it that much more. Then he had the nerve to sit beside her and get her drunk. It was true that no one forced her to drink, but that was beside the point. It was done and now she wanted him.

Yoruichi pictured herself jumping from her seat and straddling him before smashing their lips together in a heated kiss. She wondered what his mouth would taste like. Most likely like the expensive sake they'd just devoured. Then it came time to wonder how big he was. If his overall size was any indication… her mouth watered at the thought and she bit her lip to keep from groaning in sexual frustration.

Then she had an idea. Ranguku said she couldn't have sex, but that didn't mean she couldn't do other fun stuff. With a mischievous smile on her face she slowly slid her hand over to rest on his thigh. He didn't even bother to glance in her direction. That only encouraged her. Realizing she wasn't close enough to do what she wanted without it being embarrassingly obvious what she was doing, she looked around cautiously before trying to silently scoot her chair closer to Kyoraku's.

The slow scraping of the wooden legs across the floor was so damn loud that Yamamoto actually paused and every head in the room turned to her. Yoruichi froze…so much for being discreet. With an awkward smile she raised her hand in apology. After a small shake of his head and some disapproving looks from a couple of her peers, their leader continued.

With her plan now foiled, she slouched down in her seat trying not to pout. Suddenly she felt herself moving. Yoruichi looked around frantically at this unexpected occurrence as she tried not to panic. It was then that she noticed she was slowly getting farther away from Byakuya. Shunsui had hooked his foot around the leg of her chair and with the arm that was draped over the back of her seat he had somehow lifted her off the ground and was silently moving her closer to him. Once he set her down gently, he glanced at her and winked. Their chairs were touching now.

Yoruichi grinned like a whore in a store full of dicks. She impatiently pulled at the tie of his pants giving her easy access. Eagerly she reached inside his hakama, taking note of the boxer briefs, and gently stroked his limp member. Almost immediately it began to stiffen and poke through the convenient hole in the underwear. Thankfully, Shunsui occupied the last seat at the table. Otherwise everyone would've gotten an eyeful of his drool-worthy cock that, to Yoruichi's surprise and pleasure, was now beginning to peek over the edge of the table. He casually slid down in his seat, hiding his more than impressive size from the room. Then, with a self-assured look, spread his legs slightly as if to say,_ 'Knock yourself out'_.

Just then a ball of paper landed in front of Shunsui. He glanced up to make sure no one was watching, except for Kisuke of course, and picked up the projectile.

_'I want to be like you when I grow up'_.

Shunsui smirked and let out a rumbling chuckle before glancing up at the younger man who was grinning like the perv he was. With an unapologetic shrug Shunsui focused his attention back on Captain Hitsugaya, who'd started speaking just after Yoruichi's hand had slipped into Shunsui's hakama; not that anybody cared what the shorter Captain was reporting on.

Yoruichi was mesmerized. The only thing that could have made this moment better was privacy. Not that the she cared about such things. She actually enjoyed people watching, but she didn't think the Head Captain would appreciate two of his officers having horizontal refreshments during his meeting. She gripped Shunsui's now rock-hard member in her small hand and began skillfully working it under the table, stealing a glance whenever she could. With her thumb she massaged the leaking head before bringing the now glistening digit to her lips. Although Shunsui had appeared largely indifferent until then, he watched as she slowly slipped the finger into her mouth to taste him. The vixen closed her eyes savoring the unique flavor and had to fight the urge to lean over and take him into her mouth. She kept her face forward as she reached back down and continued to work at a steady pace.

The Eighth Squad captain shifted in his seat, making himself a little more comfortable. His arm still dangled leisurely from Yoruichi's chair. He couldn't remember ever enjoying a meeting this much. He wasn't sure what had gotten into the purple-haired vixen, but if this kept up he was sure it would be him. It couldn't have been that little bit of saké, because while she couldn't drink as much as him, he'd partied with her enough to know that she could definitely hold her liquor. He sighed contentedly, wishing they were anywhere but where they were… preferably somewhere with more wine.

Upon hearing her victim's sigh Yoruichi's head snapped around. Her eyes narrowed at the look of complete boredom on his face. Unknown to Shunsui, what had started out as just an innocent under-the-table hand job was now a battle to prove sexual supremacy. At that moment Yoruichi decided she would make him scream like a little girl, meeting be damned.

Releasing his manhood, she brought her hand to her face and spit in it, earning her a shocked look from Kisuke who was apparently the only person in the room besides Shunsui who knew what was going on. She glanced toward the front of the room and met Byakuya's more-than-disgusted expression. No doubt he expected her to begin rubbing the saliva on her face since that's how 'demon cats' bathed.

Rolling her eyes, Yoruichi focused on the task at hand. Once again staring straight ahead to at least give the appearance that she was listening, she reached back into Shunsui's lap, slathered the makeshift lubricant onto him and began working his length like the pro she was. Dipping her hand into his briefs she massaged his testicles before sliding it back up the shaft. His size really was amazing. Although she hadn't seen Kenpachi in person, the video was enough. She had an eye for those kinds of things. There was no denying that Zaraki was huge, but Shunsui seemed to be about the same… possibly bigger.

Yoruichi pulled out every one-handed trick she knew, but Shunsui barely batted an eye. If anything, he seemed more relaxed. Ignoring the slight burn in her arm she continued, determined to get some kind of reaction out of the seemingly unaffected man. She was so engrossed in the molestation of her colleague that she didn't realize the meeting was finally wrapping up. Shunsui, on the other hand, did. Stealing a glance at the sultry woman he couldn't help but smirk a little. The way her face was all scrunched up with concentration was adorable. She was trying so hard. _'I really should reward her effort,'_ he thought to himself.

Slowly moving his arm from the back of her chair, he brought it around to rest on her leg before expertly sliding his hand inside the leggings she refused to stop wearing after being made a Captain again. Yoruichi faltered for a moment, head snapping around to look at him. Her annoyance was obvious. Shunsui also noted the hint of confusion in her eyes. His cock was still being held hostage in her tiny hand, though that was of little consequence.

The muscles in her arm twitched from overexertion, but she ignored it. Instead Yoruichi focused on trying to understand what was happening. Before a coherent thought could form she was being penetrated by two of Shunsui's thick fingers. She took a sharp intake of breath and her eyes widened. Across the table Kisuke snickered. It wasn't every day he got to see his friend bested.

Yoruichi released her hold on Shunsui's cock, suddenly losing all interest in the perfect appendage, and grabbed a handful of his pants. He pushed his long digits deep into her before curling them and slowly dragging them out and across her g-spot. Her eyes fluttered closed as a quiet moan escaped her lips. She was faintly aware of the Head Captain's voice.

"I will expect a full report from each captain at our meeting next month. We must not become lax…"

Yoruichi's nails dug into Shunsui's leg as he pushed into her again, this time pressing his thumb against her nub as he slowly pulled them out. She let out a squeak before snapping her mouth shut, her eyes popping open. Kyoraku pulled his sakkat down attempting to hide his smirk when he saw Byakuya glance back suspiciously.

"Byakuya," Kisuke whispered. "Pay attention!"

Completely ignoring the idiotic man, he held Shunsui's gaze. The older shinigami nodded casually at him as Yoruichi shuddered in her seat. She moaned again, her back arching up off the chair. Byakuya's eyes widened slightly as he suddenly realized what was going on not a foot away from him. He glanced to Shunsui, then to Kisuke and back again, face expressionless before the corner of his mouth curled up in a small smile and he turned back around.

Shunsui repeated his little trick once again just as Yamamoto adjourned the meeting, bringing Yoruichi to a screaming climax. He casually slipped his hand out of her pants, grabbing the small stack of papers that were neatly set in front of him. Every head spun towards Yoruichi just in time to see her slither out of her seat and disappear under the table with an idiotic smile on her face.

"What was that…? Like a minute? That's gotta be a record," Urahara whispered in awe.

Not giving Yoruichi a second look, Kyoraku quickly tied his pants before rising from his seat, bowing politely to his colleagues and excusing himself.

**Day 3**

Not wanting to risk being questioned about the incident at the captains meeting, Yoruichi wandered the Seireitei in her cat form. Kisuke had stayed behind to help her and make up an excuse for her inappropriate outburst. Only later did she found out that he hadn't done it out of the goodness of his heart, but only out of his desire to be the first to question her about the incident.

If Yoruichi was honest, she wasn't even entirely sure about what had happened. After kicking Kisuke out of her house she'd wracked her brain, going over the events in her head. Something had gone seriously wrong… or seriously right. It was all too confusing and, if truth be told, a little depressing. She was questioning everything she thought she knew. He hadn't been affected…even a little... by things that would reduce a normal man to a babbling fool.

Perhaps that was where she'd gone wrong. Shunsui was not a normal man. She'd known that already, but had clearly underestimated the man's sexual prowess. Fighting back a yawn, the black cat gazed out across the roofs of the Seireitei. Between trying to fight back the completely alien feeling of insecurity and the memory of what Shunsui had been able to accomplish in mere seconds with three fingers, she hadn't gotten any sleep.

Beneath her she heard her lieutenant and Rangiku chatting about the blonde's upcoming birthday party and her plans to hook up with Kisuke.

"Think he'll be able to handle me?" the blonde giggled.

Yoruichi rolled her eyes. Rangiku would have to learn the hard way, just as she had, exactly what it meant to be 'handled' by Kisuke Urahara. With a sigh of frustration, she hopped from roof to roof, trying to get as far away from her friends as possible. When she thought she'd put enough distance between her and anyone who had heard or could possibly ever hear what had happened the day before, she stopped.

Beyond tired, she stretched her little paws out in front of her as she fought back another yawn. Backing across the roof, golden eyes darted around to see just how far out of her way she'd come in her attempt to escape; she jumped slightly when her leg bumped into something.

"Oi, pussycat." The sleepy voice came from behind her.

Yoruichi froze. She'd know that voice anywhere. That silky smooth, baritone... _'Fuck me.'_, she shuddered inwardly.

This couldn't be happening. Were the gods out to get her? Had she done something horrible in her past and karma was coming to bite her in the ass? She turned slowly to face her tormentor, ignoring the flutter in her stomach. Kyoraku Shunsui lazily reached out, laying a heavy hand on her small head and began scratching behind her ear.

No longer in control of her body, she leaned into his ministrations, a throaty purr vibrating her small frame. Gods, he was good with his hands. Her eyes now closed, she climbed up onto his chest, following wherever the hand led.

"That feel good, pussycat?"

She purred louder in response, even as she silently called herself every name in the book. Scratching behind a cat's ear was cruel, inhumane and practically orgasmic. She wondered if he knew it was her. Of course he did. Although she had made a point to mask her reiatsu, and he was half-asleep, it's not like there were a lot of cats wandering around the Seireitei.

With legs now fully extended and her stomach on his chest, the disguised woman couldn't help but wish she weren't disguised, meeting incident be damned. Remembering how his perfect appendage had extended over the table sent a shiver up her spine. She wanted to see it… just one more time.

The sudden lack of pleasure pulled her from her daydream. Shunsui's breathing had evened out and his hand now rested at his side. Looking up at his peaceful, half-seen face it was hard to believe he was such a cocky asshole. Okay, maybe not an asshole, but definitely cocky. So was she, until yesterday.

Yoruichi yawned again, her paws reaching out to almost graze his chin. Resting her small head on his chest she told herself to get up… that this was a bad idea, but sleep ultimately won out. Her golden eyes fluttered closed within minutes and her breathing fell in rhythm with his.

-o0o-

"Pussycat," Yoruichi heard in the distance, or maybe it was a whisper. She ignored it.

Again. "Pussycat." She stirred slightly, not quite ready to leave her state of blissful unconsciousness.

Shunsui chuckled low. Propping himself up on his elbows so the cat wouldn't fall off, he looked down at the feline. Its glossy black fur shone in the sunlight. It had been quite some time since he'd seen a cat… inside the Seireitei at least. Outside the walls was another story.

As gently as he could manage he scooped the cat up in his large hand, placing it to the side, and slowly got to his feet. He reached to the sky in a bone-popping stretch before smiling down at the sleeping feline and leaping gracefully off the roof.

Hours later Yoruichi's eyes finally fluttered open. It took a moment for her to remember exactly where she was and how she'd gotten there, but once she did, she jumped to her feet, eyes darting around. Kyoraku was nowhere in sight. Relieved and a little disappointed, she started across the roofs towards the Shihoin estate.

**Day 4**

The plans for Rangiku's party had been finalized. It was to be the event of the year, much like every year before. Initially the festivities were to be held in the assembly room of the Tenth Division, but Captain Hitsugaya had stubbornly refused to allow it. He could be such a party pooper sometimes. After hours of brainstorming Rangiku came up with the brilliant idea of asking Kyoraku to have it at his more than sizable home. The genial captain always welcomed a party and had the space to accommodate the ridiculous amount of people invited. Of course all of this had been decided before he was chosen as Yoruichi's target.

With the birthday blast less than a week away, everything needed to be ready within the next three days. Initially this event was for Rangiku _and_ Kukaku since their birthdays were so close together, but once she saw the guest list and found out it was a formal event Kukaku backed out fast.

"I don't want all those losers at my party," she'd complained.

So, to appease her friend, Yoruichi offered her home for Kukaku's blowout, which would be held the night before Rangiku's. The blonde had been indignant about not having her party there, but no way in hell was Yoruichi going to wake up after a long night of drunken stupidity to face cleaning up and decorating again.

Unfortunately, as the official party planner, the task of going over to the Kyoraku home fell upon her. She'd thought of asking Nel to do it, but then berated herself for being a pussy and decided to go herself. Since when was a Shihoin ever intimidated by a man? She shouldn't be embarrassed, she should be proud. There probably wasn't another soul that could say they'd gotten off during one of the captain's meetings. It simply proved that she was just as kick-ass as everyone thought.

Now standing outside of the massive house, Yoruichi waited for someone to answer the door. Rangiku was supposed to have told Shunsui she was coming, but judging by how long she'd been standing outside, someone had obviously forgotten. She waited a few more minutes before deciding to walk around to the back; almost sure she'd find him asleep under a Sakura tree.

The limber noblewoman slowly entered the garden, looking around impatiently. Where the hell was he? She moved towards the house, not caring that she was trespassing on another noble's property. Stepping up onto the veranda, she took one last look behind her before walking inside. It had been years since she'd been to the Kyoraku manor. Much seemed to have changed.

"Are you looking for someone, Miss?"

Yoruichi whirled around fast, startled by the little old woman now standing before her. The shrunken dame smiled brightly up at the young woman, who seemed to be at a loss for words.

"Uh, I was looking for Captain Kyoraku," she finally answered, remembering herself. "I was supposed to meet him here, but it looks like he's forgotten."

The old woman smiled. "Oh, I don't think so. He never forgets a date with a pretty girl."

Yoruichi didn't know why, but she blushed. Damn it. What was she, an adolescent schoolgirl? _'I think I'm going to be sick,'_ she thought.

"I was sure he was out in the garden. You must have walked right past him." The wrinkled housemaid snickered again before shuffling past Yoruichi. She watched until her small frame disappeared behind a row of bushes. The smile that was plastered on her face dropped. Alone again, the golden-eyed beauty decided to look around. That was the reason she was there after all. Kyoraku didn't need to be there for her to decide how and where she wanted to set up the party.

As she slowly made her way around it became apparent that space would not be a problem. The house had plenty of it, and unlike the Kuchiki mansion, or hers for that matter, it wasn't filled with pointless things that nobles tended to keep in order to show status. It would do very nicely for the party.

The violet-haired plotter had just picked out the perfect room for the fiesta when she heard voices coming her way. She turned just as the elderly servant returned with Shunsui in tow.

"I found him, Miss. He was in the garden napping, just as I thought."

Shunsui laughed, looking down affectionately at her. "What would I do without you, my love?" He leaned over and kissed the maid on the cheek, and Yoruichi couldn't help but laugh as the woman's cheeks turned beet red.

"I'll bring you and the lady some tea," she dithered with her toothless mouth smiling wide.

"Tea?" Kyoraku almost whined.

"Yes," the woman sent him a sharp look. "We don't want the lady to think we're uncivilized."

He leaned over and mumbled loud enough for his guest to hear. "I think it's a little too late for that."

She laughed and hit him playfully before finally leaving the two alone. Rather than let the silence become awkward Shunsui spoke up. "So how's the planning going?"

"It's going," Yoruichi replied. He didn't seem uncomfortable at all. But then again, he had no reason to be. He was amazing and had a huge cock. She, on the other hand, was an idiot who basically came in her pants after just being touched by him. She closed her eyes and tried to shake those thoughts from her head. The image of his perfect member would be forever etched in her mind. Inside her black leggings, she began to throb.

_'I wonder if he'd just let me see it? I just want to see it… just one more time.'_ She seriously considered asking, but opted against it as that would simply make her mission even harder than it was already proving to be.

Shunsui smiled genuinely after her curt response. "Well, I'll leave you to it then. I've got to admit, I'm a little eager for the party. It's been years since I've hosted anything here." When Yoruichi didn't respond he simply tipped his hat and left her alone to finish up what she was doing. It was obvious she wasn't in a talking mood.

Within an hour Yoruichi was finished. She'd come back in a couple days with the girls to actually decorate. The thought of just sneaking out the front door held a humiliating degree of appeal, but again, she reminded herself that she was NOT a pussy.

The determined shape-changer made her way back to the garden. There was Shunsui, standing in the middle of his estate, saké jug dangling from one finger. He seemed to be mesmerized by something off in the distance. Or maybe he was just momentarily weighed down by his huge meat stick and paused to take a break. Yoruichi had no way of knowing, but seeing him there, completely oblivious to her presence, brought on a strange urge. An urge she hadn't felt in a very long while.

A light breeze blew through the yard, teasing the man's russet ponytail across his back. The corner of her lips curled up into a roguish smirk and her fingertips began to tingle. In a flash she was beside him, reaching out to snatch the pins and tie that always bound his long locks. Her smirk spread into an all-out grin as she made her getaway at a speed that only the Goddess of Flash was capable of. With her destination in sight, the top of the stone wall that partially enclosed the gardens, she mused about how fun this was going to be.

Suddenly something caught her arm. The smile dropped from her face and her eyes widened in disbelief as she was yanked to a halt. Impossible. Yoruichi snapped her head around to see Shunsui's hand firmly holding her wrist. His lazy smile infuriated her almost immediately. What a smug asshole!

"Luck must be on my side today." His smile widened. "Imagine someone like me being able to catch the likes of you, Goddess of Flash."

Initially, Yoruichi felt rage at being mocked… pure unadulterated rage. But almost immediately the feeling of complete embarrassment took over. Once again he had proved his superiority. She wasn't buying the innocent act he was trying to sell. His grip tightened around her wrist until she was forced to drop the hairpin right into his waiting palm, jug dangling from his pinky. She felt like a child who'd been caught in the cookie jar. It was then that Yoruichi realized they were still in the middle of the yard. That Shunsui hadn't chased her. His feet were still firmly planted in the exact same spot they'd been in when she'd had the ridiculous idea to steal his hair tie. _'He didn't even move.'_

Shunsui loosened his grip. She was gone before he had fully released her.

-o0o-

Later that night Yoruichi and her usual group, plus two, prepared the decorations for the upcoming festivities. Sui-Feng, although angry about being left on the floor last time, showed up after having received an invite from Kukaku of all people. She suspected the woman was hoping to get another laugh at her expense, but came anyway just to be around Lady Yoruichi. Lisa, on the other hand, was there because Yoruichi said she needed to be, as her accomplice and all. The Visored didn't see what making decorations had to do with this mission, but she honestly didn't mind too much.

The six women sat in Yoruichi's room in a comfortable silence, each with a drink nearby. She hadn't told anyone about what had happened earlier, still too ashamed and disgusted.

"I made an appointment for us to take a pole dancing class," Rangiku commented casually.

'You did what?" Kukaku's head snapped around.

"Yay!" Nel screeched.

"You heard me. Everyone is going, so get the word out to the rest of the group. If anyone's missing I'll kill them."

"Well, I'm not going, so you might as well take me out now," the one-armed woman huffed.

"Me either," Sui-Feng agreed.

"Yes you will." Yoruichi cut her eyes at Sui-Feng who flinched slightly.

"On second thought, it might be fun," said the second division captain, experiencing a sudden change of heart.

"Come on," Rangiku whined. "Don't be a killjoy. It'll be fun! You can give Kenpachi a lap dance."

That seemed to get the woman's attention. She narrowed her eyes at the blonde before finally rolling them. "Whatever."

Rangiku giggled. "I thought that would get your attention."

"This party is getting more and more interesting," Lisa commented.

Silence followed until a wicked grin spread across Kukaku's face. "So, how goes the mission?"

Yoruichi hid her eyes. "It's going." There was no need to pretend with them. They'd know she was lying.

Her snarky associate let out a braying laugh. "I'll say it's going! Kisuke told me Shunsui made you cum in your pants at the meeting."

Yoruichi gave Kukaku exactly the reaction she'd been hoping for, leaping upon her with murderous intent. Of course the others hadn't heard anything about it, so before Yoruichi could kick the shit out of her big-mouthed friend, she was attacked by Rangiku and Nel.

"He did _what_?" the blonde screeched. "You're not supposed to have sex. Why would you keep something like this from us? Did you get in trouble? Don't just sit there… spill!"

"Kisuke is so dead," Yoruichi muttered through clenched teeth. She was now pinned to her bed by two sets of enormous boobs with so many questions being thrown at her it was impossible to hear them all.

"Give her some space." Kukaku finally intervened, pulling the two off the suffocating woman.

They reluctantly backed away, allowing Yoruichi to sit up. She looked around at the expectant faces of her friends and knew that she had no choice but to explain. The hangdog Vice President told them all about the saké Shunsui had snuck in, how she'd thought it would be fun to make the lady's man of Soul Society squeal during a captains meeting,. A and lastly, how it had backfired. The ladies sat in stunned silence long after Yoruichi finished. Well, all except Lisa, who didn't seem surprised in the least.

"A minute?" Rangiku couldn't believe such a thing was even possible.

Yoruichi nodded. "Probably more like thirty seconds." She stopped to take a sip of her drink. "I couldn't believe it either."

"He's always been very good with his hands," Lisa commented.

Yoruichi snorted. "That's an understatement."

The Visored shrugged. Countless minutes followed where no one spoke. Yoruichi was too busy thinking up a way to get back at Shunsui for what he'd done to her, and the others were trying to figure out how such an unfathomable thing could possibly happen.

"So when you say big, are we talking, like, big or… BIG?" Rangiku asked seriously, breaking the silence.

"BIG," Yoruichi answered.

"Aww," Rangiku whined. "Shunsui is so mean. All these years of drinking together and he never once thought he should tell me something so important?"

"Why would he bring that up in casual conversation?" Kukaku rolled her eyes. "So Rangiku, how was your day? That's good… I did a little paperwork, had a meeting, oh, by the way, I have a MONSTER cock. How's Toshiro?" Kukaku mocked. The blonde just glared at her.

"So that's what that was all about," Sui-Feng mumbled, remembering the commotion at the end of the meeting and how Kisuke had quickly swept Yoruichi out of the assembly hall, not allowing her to follow.

Nel gasped suddenly before turning to her captain. "So what happened this morning? Didn't you go to his house?"

Youichi winced. It was barely noticeable but naturally Kukaku jumped all over it. "Okay, what happened? I saw that little… whatever it was."

Steeling herself for their reaction, Yoruichi begrudgingly told them how Shunsui had effortlessly caught her after she'd attempted to take his hairpin. Sui-Feng passed out on the spot, and Kukaku immediately poured the rest of them a shot of Jack. More silence followed.

"So when you say BIG… you mean like safe-word big—"

"Ran, give it up," Yoruichi snapped, cutting her friend off.

Matsumoto's face scrunched up. "I can't! I wanna see it!"

"Yea, well you can't. It's mine."

"It is not," Rangiku protested.

"Well… it should be." Yoruichi knew she was being completely ridiculous, but she just couldn't help herself.

"What's a safe-word?" Nel questioned.

"A kind of code word you use to say 'no' or 'stop'," Lisa quickly explained before turning to the recently dethroned Goddess of Flash. "I can't believe I didn't get any of this on tape. I'm following you around for the remainder of the week." The rest of the women nodded in agreement.

Nel still didn't understand. "So why can't you just say 'no' or 'stop'?"

"You just can't. You can say 'saké' or 'strawberries' instead. Isn't that more fun?" Rangiku asked.

Nel nodded. From that moment on the drinks disappeared at a much faster pace than normal. Everyone was trying to digest the stories they'd been told. A couple hours later, after Sui-Feng had recovered and everyone was well past tipsy, the women were sprawled leisurely all over Yoruichi's room. The decorations weren't done, but they'd accomplished all they were going to do that night. An absent-eyed Yoruichi quietly hummed a vaguely familiar tune as she'd done unknowingly for the last half-hour or so.

"I'm hungry," Nel whined.

Kukaku smirked. "And in other news, the world is round."

The Arrancar rolled her eyes in annoyance just as Rangiku quietly began to sing.

_"You're too big to fit in here. Too big to fit in here. Too big to fit in here."_

"Why the hell are you singing that?" Yoruichi questioned.

Kukaku then turned to her golden-eyed friend in surprise. "What do you mean? You've been humming it half the night."

"Have not!"

_"You're too big to fit in here."_ Nel had now joined in, smacking her hand on the bed to keep the beat. Kukaku rolled her eyes, wondering why she hung around a group of such idiots. The singing women had jumped up and were now galloping across the floor, and before she could yell at them to shut the hell up and sit their little asses down, Yoruichi jumped in her face. _"What a lovely ride."_

Nel chimed in. _"The penis was a thrill."_ Then Rangiku. _"Your penis is a Cadillac."_

_"A giant Coupe Deville,"_ Lisa finished with a cackle right as Yoruichi snatched off her glasses.

Kukaku and Sui-Feng exchanged blank stares as they sat back with mild amusement and watched the floor show.

_"You're too big to fit in here."_ Nel had bent over and was letting Yoruichi slap her ass as they chanted again. _"Too big to fit in here. Too big to fit in..."_ The jiggly Arrancar then abruptly let out a screech. "STRAWBERRIES! STRAWBERRIES!"

Yoruichi paused, still laughing at their stupidity. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Nel couldn't speak. She just stared in horror at the entrance to Yoruichi's bedroom. When she followed her subordinate's gaze, what she saw there made the smile drop from her face. "Kill me now," Yoruichi deadpanned. At that, Rangiku and Lisa finally paused and turned to see what all the commotion was about.

Lisa's eyes widened. "Oh, hell."

"My Lady, you have a visitor," the servant spoke quietly, clearly embarrassed for the mistress of the house. "I told him you had guests, but he insisted. Said it was very important." Behind her stood none other than a very cool-looking Shunsui. The maid backed away slowly, shooting a nervous smile at the big man who just winked at her. Her cheeks turned a bright red, and with a quick bow she was gone.

"Now," Kyoraku spoke to the room full of women. "Who's too big to fit in where?"

Kukaku and Sui-Feng looked at each other, then to Shunsui, then back again before bursting out in hysterical laughter. A now completely horrified Yoruichi stomped towards her new guest, forcefully took him by the arm, and dragged him away. The others filed from the room behind them, Lisa grabbing the camera on the way out.

Before she could voice her displeasure Shunsui started in. "I didn't mean to interrupt your little party. I just wanted to drop this off," he said with a barely-there smirk.

"Oh, you didn't interrupt anything."

Her brows furrowed in confusion. That's not what she was supposed to say. _'Such a smartass,' _she thought. Yoruichi didn't know why, but she felt like a complete idiot. Of course he'd caught them singing a very questionable song, but had it been anybody else she wouldn't have given a shit. Was it because they were technically singing about him? No, that wasn't the reason either. Not wanting to think about it anymore, she decided to just let him have it for popping over unexpected.

Around the corner Kukaku tried to get Nel and Rangiku to stop giggling so that they could hear. "Shut up, don't ya'll know how to eavesdrop?"

"So what did you want to drop off?" Yoruichi cringed at her overly sweet tone.

Shunsui held out his hand, revealing a little white box. Yoruichi's eyes went wide and her heart jumped up to her throat. Slowly she reached out and took his offering. Behind her she heard Nel's muffled squeal, but ignored it.

"It's nothing special." Shunsui spoke low, almost seductive… or was that the way he always sounded? "Since you seemed to like my hairpin so much, I got you one of your own."

She opened the box, and there was the pin just like he'd said. Before she could stop herself Yoruichi said, "I can't accept this, it's too much." She wanted to punch herself in the mouth. That would teach it to betray her.

Shunshui just waved off the refusal and took the pin from the box. "Turn around," he said quietly. Yoruichi froze.

"Oh yeah! Bend over," Rangiku whispered. Her fellow spies snickered.

"Why?" the lady of the house asked suspiciously.

Shunsui held up the pin. "So I can put it on." A friendly smile was on his face but his tone said, _'Haven't you ever received a gift before, you stupid woman?'_ It irritated her, but she found herself looking up into those warm grey eyes and blushing like an idiot.

Kukaku smacked herself, dragging her palm down her face. What the hell was Yoruichi doing? "Just take the damn hairpin and get him outta here," she whispered. "Cross one off the list." It was almost painful to see the great Yoruichi being reduced to a puddle of girly mush. "I hope you're getting this," she said to Lisa, who just shook her head in disbelief while continuing to film everything.

Yoruichi turned around fast to hide her blatant display of girliness and caught Kukaku's judgmental stare. That was enough to bring her back to her senses… at least momentarily.

"Wait," she blurted before spinning back around. Taking in Shunsui's slightly affronted expression, she made up a quick excuse for her outburst. "I'd like to wash my hair before putting a thing of such beauty in it." Her tone was overly polite and she knew she was laying it on a little thick, but desperate times... He didn't respond, so she continued. "I've been putting it off. It's such a tiresome task," she complained, bringing her waist-length ponytail over her shoulder.

"I agree with you there," he sighed. "I wish I had someone to wash mine."

"All you have to do is ask." She snapped her mouth shut, but it was too late. She'd officially crossed over into the realm that was only familiar to people like Orihime and Momo.

Shunsui seemed to think it over a moment before his head nodded in approval. "Come to my place tomorrow afternoon." He placed the hairpiece back in her hand and closed her fingers around it. "Bring that with you." As he turned to leave, the curious look he gave the box of Gentleman Jack left on the table did not go unnoticed.

"Take one," she offered out of nowhere. "It's American whiskey."

He moseyed over to the box and pulled out a bottle. With a grunt, he carefully replaced it back inside. "Bring that with you too." And then he left.

"Come back! I wanna see your—"

Sui-Feng slapped a hand over Rangiku's mouth before she could finish. Shunsui never looked back.

Once he was gone Kukaku and the others emerged from their hiding spot behind the wall. The one-armed woman stared at her friend in disgust. "I thought that was only for special occasions," she said sarcastically.

"Go to hell," responded the were-cat.

The Shiba shook her head with a weary sigh. "You're pathetic."

**Day 5**

Yoruichi stood outside of Shunsui's door, Gentleman Jack in hand, hairpin in her pocket. He hadn't mentioned a specific time so she'd just come after finishing her duties. Lisa was supposed to meet her there. After last night Kukaku and the others hadn't shut up about how she was the one being pimped. _'Wasn't he supposed to be washing your hair?'_ Rangiku had asked sarcastically, after which Yoruichi had kicked them all out.

The same servant woman from the day before answered the door, greeting her with a warm smile. "He's asleep," she snickered. "But feel free to wake him. He sleeps too much."

Yoruichi nodded as the woman led her out to the garden, which was obviously Shunsui's favorite place to nap.

"Two gorgeous women in my house? How lucky am I?" The man himself was walking towards them across the lush lawn. And just like that Yoruichi's underwear became a moist towelette. She whirled around at the sound of his voice. The maid smiled brightly and left for the kitchen to produce more tea.

At a sign from Shunsui, Yoruichi followed him into the manor proper. They soon found themselves in a pleasantly furnished chamber. When it looked like he was going to start speaking again she held out the bottle of whiskey without saying a word. He took it with a cordial smile then moved across the room to place it on the bar.

"If you don't mind, I'd like some of that now," the princess of Shihoin spoke with rigid self-control. She needed something to calm both her nerves and her raging hormones.

Shunsui nodded. "I'll join you then."

Yoruichi made her way over to the bar as her host pulled two glasses from the cabinet and filled them. "I've never had this, but it's supposed to be good. I think you'll like it." She wished she had some coke to mix it with, but for some reason Shunsui didn't seem like he drank much soda, so she was forced to take it straight. She watched with mild amusement at he studied the mysterious brown liquid before raising the glass to his nose. "Good smell."

Yoruichi raised an eyebrow. _'Good smell, my ass.'_

He shot a wink at her before emptying the contents of the glass in one gulp. "Good taste." He poured himself another as Yoruichi started in on her own. Shunsui finished his second the same way he had the first before placing his cup gently on the bar. The smaller captain felt his eyes on her and she tensed, guzzling the remaining liquid before asking for another.

Shunsui obliged her. Hastily she finished off the drink and backed away, not relishing the closeness of his alluring presence. The sexual tension was palpable, for her at least.

Yoruichi swallowed the lump forming in her throat. "You want to get started?" she asked, sounding mildly irritated.

Reaching up to stroke his beard, the smile dropped from his face. "You seem tense."

"It's been a busy week," she lied. "I'm just tired."

"Hm," he grunted, then gently took her by the arm and led her down the hall. Just before they left the room she saw a flash out in the garden. _'Lisa,'_ she thought absently. She didn't bother putting up a fight or even asking where he was taking her, too preoccupied with the moisture building between her thighs.

It wasn't until he was laying her down on the biggest bed she'd ever seen in her life that she realized there had been some major fuck-up-ery on her part. Yoruichi jumped back to her feet in a panic. She couldn't fail her mission. She was the Vice President of the SWSS, for pity's sake!

"You sure you're ok?" Shunsui seemed more confused than concerned. He moved away from her and grabbed a small footstool along with a bucket filled with scented oils. Yoruichi looked on in confusion and perhaps even a little disappointment. Clearly he was not about to ravish her without mercy. How rude! He was supposed to be trying to, and she was supposed to be pretending she didn't want it to happen.

"Relax." Shunsui motioned for her to sit back down before he took a seat on the stool, dropping his flowered kimono and haori on the floor behind him. She plopped down, resisting the urge to fold her arms across her chest and pout. He removed her shoes and leg warmers and started with the right foot, proceeded to give her the best massage she… no, anyone anywhere had ever received.

Leaning back on the massive bed Yoruichi let out a loud sigh and closed her eyes. She turned, cracking one eye open; there was Lisa outside the window. Yoruichi could see her wide smile behind the camera and rolled her eyes before closing them again.

"Mmm," she moaned before she could stop herself. It just felt too good. Lisa was right; he had hands a surgeon would envy. Working slowly and skillfully, Kyoraku moved from her feet up to her calves. Then he stopped and the vixen on his bed whined at the sudden absence of soothing goodness. Her eyes popped open just as he stood.

"Get undressed," he said calmly. He retrieved his pink kimono from the floor and tossed it on the bed. "Cover up with this." Then he left.

Yoruichi stared after him. "What the hell?" she said to herself, glancing over to the window. Lisa seemed just as confused as she was. The Visored shrugged, and then disappeared. It soon became clear why. Shunsui had returned; saké jug in one hand and oil in the other. He frowned at her.

"You're still dressed. How do you expect me to give you a quality massage with your clothes on?"

Yoruichi quickly wiped the idiotic expression she was wearing off her face, stood and disrobed. She'd never been modest, as she was sure Shunsui was aware. It was her situation that made this whole thing difficult. Restraining herself as far as sex was concerned had never been her strong suit. If not for the damn mission, she'd have fucked him days ago… end of story. But alas, that was not an option.

Her masseuse stood by calmly, enjoying the view. She really was gorgeous. Inside his hakama his not-so-small soldier twitched. Memories of their adventure earlier that week flooded his mind. It had been odd, but not at all unwelcome.

"Okay," she announced. "I'm ready."

Shunsui turned about to find Yoruchi lying face down on his bed nude. He approached the naked beauty, his eyes resting on her ass. The day had just taken a turn for the heavenly. Taking a sip of the saké, he got to work.

-o0o-

Yoruichi's eyes fluttered open. Had she drifted off? A feeling of absolute languor suffused her entire body. She stood, and stumbled blindly to Wait, what? She looked around at her unfamiliar surroundings, the fog slowly clearing from her mind. She stood, and stumbled blindly to the bathroom to empty her strained bladder. Feeling around for the toilet she turned and plopped down quickly. She knew something was awry when she fell a little too far. Perhaps she should have opened her eyes to actually see what she was doing. Either she'd missed the toilet all together or…_splash._

Yoruichi's eye twitched dangerously as she sat with her ass almost completely submerged in the freezing cold water. _'Shunsui.'_ How dare he leave the toilet seat up in the bedroom of his own home. She dislodged herself with a scowl, relieved herself, then pat her damp rear dry.

Upon reentering the room, It all came back to her once she saw the pink kimono, remembering that it had been draped over her naked frame. "Damn it! I missed the massage," she scolded herself, the bathroom incident completely forgotten. It must have been good to put her to sleep so quickly. She barely remembered any of it. How long had she been asleep? Noticing it was now dark she immediately thought of Lisa.

"Shit." The lady dashed to the window, her feline eyes seeing perfectly through the darkness. The camera was there, but Lisa was nowhere in sight. Oh, well.

Throwing on Shunsui's kimono, not bothering to close it, she left the room to pad blindly down the hall, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. _'I hope he's got some food in here.' _

"You finally decided to get up?"

Yoruichi looked up as she entered the dining room to find Shunsui lounging on a couch. She snorted indelicately. "It was your fault for putting me to sleep. By the way, my ass is clammy and it's your fault. "

To her surprise, he then gave an embarrassed cough. Only then did something else impinge upon her awareness.

Shunsui had guests. How nice.

"Oops." Yoruichi slowly covered her exposed breasts with the kimono, flashing a sheepish grin. Before her Jushiro Ukitake sat wide-eyed. Starrk looked as bored as always, although there was no mistaking that he'd been taken aback. They both greeted her as if nothing was wrong. Lisa peeked out from behind Starrk with a wicked smirk.

Yoruichi grinned. "Lisa! Just the person I wanted to see."

"I bet," she replied.

The scantily-clad captain made her way to the table, but before she could take a seat next to Lisa she was pulled into Kyoraku's lap. The suddenness of his action left her unable to do anything but submit with ill grace. Why was he doing this to her?

Lisa tried to stifle her laugh. Seeing Yoruichi suffer like this was oddly gratifying. The other woman had a problem of an entirely different nature: namely, she had to try her hardest not to just turn around and fuck Shunsui's brains out… give his guests a real show. His arm hooked casually around her waist while the other held his cup. It wasn't as if he was holding her there, but for some reason she couldn't make herself get up. It was such a good fucking seat!

The five of them sat talking, drinking and laughing for hours. Yoruichi was finally able to forget about how she would be leaving his house that night without even getting a taste of that perfect cock.

"Well, I think I should get going," Lisa announced abruptly, pushing away from the table. She gave Yoruichi a pointed look. "I've got this _thing_ I'm supposed to do."

"Right, that _thing_. I almost forgot." The shape-shifter left her place on Shunsui's lap, letting his hand fall to the side.

"What _thing_?" their host asked.

Lisa shrugged. "Just a _thing_."

"I've got a _thing_," Starrk offered, making Shunsui chuckle.

Lisa smirked. "You'll have to show me that sometime."

Jushiro choked, sending saké streaming down his chin. "I think maybe I'll take my leave as well."

Starrk shrugged as he got to his feet, figuring he might as well leave if everyone else was.

"See you later, boss-lady," Lisa called over her shoulder as she left with the two men, taking Yoruichi's self-control with her. They were alone again.

She needed to get out of there, and the sooner the better. Yoruichi turned to the tall drink of water standing behind her, stood on her tiptoes and snatched the hat off his head, tossing it to the floor. She needed to do what she'd come to do, so she could go take her frustration out on Kisuke. Why the hell had she volunteered to do this?

"Hey, careful with that," Shunsui frowned, looking down at his abused hat.

Yoruichi couldn't help but laugh. "The hat's stupid. Now let's go wash your hair so I can get outta here."

Shunsui retrieved his favorite headgear, placing it gently on the table before leading her down the hall to his bedroom and into the private bathroom. Shampoos and conditioners sat on the side of the tub.

"Get in," he told her as he pulled off his shihakushō.

"Wait-what? "W-Why?" she stuttered.

"Where else would I do it? I can't wash your hair outside the shower." He spoke calmly although he was genuinely confused.

"I thought I was washing your hair," she said with a raised brow.

"You will. Now get in."

She panicked. "Why do we have to do it in here? Can't we just go in the kitchen?" She wondered if Lisa was recording this.

The handsome captain sighed in exasperation. "Your hair is too long to wash in the sink, just like mine is."

"Well, do we really need to get completely naked just to wash our hair?" She was almost yelling now.

Shunsui was baffled. Was this the same woman who'd practically done a nosedive into his pants just a few days ago? The Yoruichi that was as comfortable being nude as she was using shunpo? What happened between then and now?

"So you want to get in the shower with your clothes on," he asked to make sure he understood.

"Yes. I mean no, I don't. Can't I just lean over the side?"

Shunsui paused a moment before finally answering. "You can do whatever you like."

"Don't talk to me like I'm a kid," she huffed. This was not going the way she'd planned.

The half-naked man paused. This might have been the first time in all his years of knowing Yoruichi that he'd ever seen her pout. It was cute, but he dared not laugh at her. She'd been so sensitive lately. "What's the matter, pussycat?"

The little bit of control Yoruichi had been trying to hold on to flew out the window as soon as she heard that name. The same one he'd called her the day she'd taken a nap with him in her cat form. It couldn't be coincidence. He'd known it was her all along. She couldn't take it anymore. She was mad and horny, a dangerous combination. "I can't have sex with you," she blurted out truthfully.

"Of course you can." Shunsui wasn't sure how they'd gone from washing hair to sex, but whatever.

"No. I can't."

He shrugged. "Okay. Now get in."

It wasn't until that moment in the bathroom with Shunsui that Yoruichi realized how much she relied on sex. It kept her sane, and right now she was slowly spiraling out of control. Was that all she was? A sex-crazed maniac? _'Yes.'_

She shook the thought from her head and calmly glanced up at Shunsui's topless frame, noting how she wanted to climb him like a tree. Two days were left in the week and then she could do anything she wanted to him, most likely without any objection. Just two days. She could do this. She was Yoruichi Shihoin, the baddest bitch in Soul Society… well maybe the co-baddest because Kukaku was pretty bad-ass. She wasn't going to fail in her mission because she couldn't control herself. The list was halfway done. Her hair was as good as washed and she'd already gotten the expensive gift. There was no doubt in her mind that she was good enough to get the other two things on the list, especially after today.

_'Okay, calm down,'_ she told herself. It was time to stop acting like a bitch in heat, as Kisuke would say. Yoruichi opened the kimono and let it fall to the floor_. _

_'I will not rape Shunsui. I will not rape Shunsui.'_ This was her mantra as she watched the brawny captain turn on the water and drop his hakama. Her eyes went immediately to his completely limp cock that was still bigger than most men when they were hard. If his parents were still alive she'd have liked to shake their hands… congratulate them on a job well done.

He reached up, removed the hairpins and tie from his hair, placed them on the sink and stepped into the shower.

'_Definitely safe word big,' _she noted to herself.

"I can do this," she whispered in assurance, stepping in after him. If Shunsui was sexy with clothes on, without them he was godlike. The water cascaded over him, plastering his long locks to his body. Yoruichi couldn't remember the last time she'd wanted somebody this bad. It was exciting…and annoying as hell since she couldn't do jack shit about it.

She stayed towards the back of the tub, not trusting herself to get too close, until Shunsui finally yanked her under the stream of water. He moved back to sit on the tub's edge and filled his hand with shampoo. "Let your hair down."

Yoruichi snatched the scrunchie from her hair and tossed it onto the pile of clothes. Then she stood in front of him with her back turned, allowing him to get to work. He was so tall that even seated he could reach the top of her head. Surprisingly she was able to stay relatively composed as Shunsui's magic hands massaged her scalp. It had been a long time since anyone besides herself had washed her hair and she was enjoying every minute of it. Her knees actually buckled a couple times, but he caught her and continued without a word each time. She just kept her eyes closed and enjoyed the experience. But like all really kickass things it had to come to an end.

"Okay, you're done," Shunsui announced, pushing the chocolate beauty back under the water.

Yoruichi rinsed her hair and face then opened her eyes. Nothing could have prepared her for what she saw. Shunsui was on his knees directly in front of her. He must have seen the surprise on her face because he explained himself immediately. "You won't be able to reach if I stand." Then he closed his eyes and waited.

Yoruichi's body shook with want…like an addict going through withdrawal_. 'I can't do this,'_ she told herself. Seeing the captain on his knees before her was too much. Time seemed to slow down. The rapid beating of her heart and her heavy breathing was deafening. She squeezed her eyes shut and opened them again as she slowly brought one hand up to rest on his head and leaned over to retrieve the shampoo. Taking deep breaths and repeating her mantra got her successfully through the first wash. His hair was so soft she had to stop herself from pulling it.

Everything had been going smoothly until they had to switch places so he could rinse. Yoruichi attempted to step around him so that he could just move forward under the water, but she slipped. She fucking slipped.

He caught her, his two massive hands almost completely encircling her tiny waist. His intense eyes popped open and bored into her. That was her undoing. 'Fuck it,' she thought right before she closed the small distance between their faces and kissed him hard.

He took it all in stride, not the slightest bit surprised. Dainty fingers tangled in his wet locks as he gripped her ass and got to his feet, lifting her off the ground with ease. Her legs automatically wrapped around his waist and she moaned into his mouth when she felt his manhood slowly creeping up her stomach.

Yoruichi kissed him hungrily, savoring the alcohol flavor on his tongue. Shunsui let her have control without a fight. Not a single part of his mouth was left unexplored. They finally separated; their need to breathe winning out. He turned to rinse the remaining suds from his hair before stepping out of the shower, not bothering to turn the water off. Just a few steps and Yoruichi was being laid down on his gigantic bed, hair and body dripping wet. He tried to pull away, but her hand snaked around his neck, pulling him back. She needed more. If she was throwing away her mission, she needed this to be the best experience of her life.

The breeze from the open window across the room chilled her damp body, making her shiver involuntary. Shunsui, finally able to break away from their lip lock, swept her up and spun around to sit on the bed, Yoruichi in his lap. She wasted no time capturing his lips again. The steady rubbing of the damp, loosely curled hair on his chest against her already pebbled nipples was maddening. Yoruichi couldn't take it anymore. Reaching down between them to grab his stiff member, she broke their kiss and refocused her attention to placing tiny bites on his neck. Enjoying the attention, he let his head fall back giving her full access.

Steam from the shower made a beeline through the bedroom and out the window, creating the illusion that they were in a dream. He grabbed a handful of her violet hair, which out of its usual ponytail hung well past her rear, and wrapped it around his hand, gently tugging her head back. Her lust-filled golden eyes seemed to glow in the dim light coming from the bathroom. Shunsui dipped his head, taking one of her chocolate nipples into his mouth. She let out a gasp and her body trembled in his hands. This was torture. While Yoruichi always enjoyed foreplay, she just wasn't in the mood for it. She was in the mood to get fucked through the mattress by that huge cock.

Raising her hips up as far as she could, she moved him to her entrance and lowered herself, freezing when she felt him hit her cervix. He wasn't even all the way in yet. She tried again, lifting up slightly and lowering herself back down. Getting the same outcome, she looked up, unable to hide her truly shocked expression. Shunsui looked at her with what almost seemed like pity. He lifted her off of him, letting out a barely audible groan as he slid out of her.

"You're not ready yet, pussycat."

A mixture of rage and arousal washed over her. His silky smooth voice all but telling her she couldn't handle him. Unforgivable. He stood and turned around so she was now on her back, her legs still wrapped loosely around his waist.

"Stop frowning," he said as he playfully poked her nose with his finger.

She attempted to swat his hand away. He easily caught it and pinned it above her head then did the same with the other just in case she got any ideas. Yoruichi struggled for a moment, knowing she wouldn't be able to get away. She just wanted to be difficult; her ego was wounded.

"What's the rush, my dear?" He placed a lingering kiss on her already swollen lips. She didn't kiss back. He leaned forward again, this time kissing both of her nipples. "Things you love doing should be savored. Patience always achieves more than force."

Kyoraku let go of her hands. She didn't move. He pushed two of his fingers into her dripping wet entrance, eliciting an actual purr from the sometime feline. Within a minute she was releasing all over his hand with a scream. He really was too good at that. She watched with hazy vision as he brought his hand to his mouth and sucked her juices from his fingers. He then backed off and stood right at the foot of the bed. Yoruichi propped herself up on her elbows, curious as to why he still wasn't fucking her.

"Come on, pussycat." He grabbed the base of his cock and jerked himself slowly. The sight was almost enough to make Yoruichi cum again. From his long wavy hair that was now in a mane to his perfectly sculpted body, the man was perfection.

Mesmerized by the bead of pre-cum forming on the head, she crawled towards him and took as much of him in her mouth as she could. Suddenly the room was filled with sounds of slurping and sucking. Shunsui had to admit, she was good.

"Slower," he commanded. She followed his instruction, reaching a hand up to massage his balls. "Slower," he said again.

Yoruichi paused and glared up at him. The last thing she needed was to be told what to do. She didn't look very intimidating with her mouth full of dick and Shunsui had to fight back a chuckle. Leave it to Yoruichi to make sex into some kind of war. He softly palmed the back of her head and slowly forced her head down. He felt himself hit the back of her throat. She immediately relaxed her throat muscles and Shunsui couldn't help but smile. That was the sign of a pro.

He pushed in a little further, but wasn't able to push past her tonsils. "Relax," he told her. He had no doubt that she knew exactly what she was doing and he wasn't trying to insult her, but there was a difference between being able to deep throat…and being able to deep throat _him_. That was exactly the reason he was giving her instruction. If he didn't think she could handle it she wouldn't even be there. He would have nipped this whole thing in the bud that first day at the meeting. He'd been around a long time and had a lot of women, and though he often joked with his lieutenant Nanao, he didn't have time to waste on inexperienced girls.

He felt her throat muscles relax even more as she pushed forward, forcing his cock down her throat, making Shunsui suck in a breath. She gagged a little, but that was to be expected. Shunsui smirked and finally closed his eyes. She was definitely a keeper. No one had ever been able to successfully deep throat him in his life. He finally understood the hype.

The first time was the hardest, but every time after that he went down a little easier. She was never able to take all of him and it pissed her off that she couldn't do any of her patented tricks, but he didn't seem too concerned about it. He just stood silently looking not exactly bored, but not like he was enjoying himself either. She glanced up occasionally in an attempt to gauge how she was doing, but he was giving her nothing. As far as she was concerned he should have been losing his mind. With each moment that passed she became more frustrated and worked harder to get the desired reaction from him. Finally, Yoruichi settled into a slow but steady rhythm only to have Shunsui stop her.

He reached down, cupping his hand under her chin and brought her face up to his. His cock slid out of her mouth with a pop. Annoyance flickered in her golden eyes, but he ignored it, licking the saliva from her lips before placing a chaste kiss on her nose.

"Lie down."

Yoruichi could barely contain her excitement. She lay back on the bed, not wanting to waste another minute. Finally, they were getting to the good part. She watched with half-lidded eyes as he leaned forward and took one of her dainty toes into his mouth. It was unexpected and sexy as hell. Yoruichi sucked in a breath as her back bowed off the bed.

"Shit," she moaned.

He didn't stay there long. After giving the other foot a little attention he began strategically licking and kissing his way up her lithe body, only stopping once he reached the warmth between her legs. He kissed her glistening lips as if saying hello, his mustache ticking her a little, before he slowly dipped his tongue inside of her. She came immediately. 'Two,' he counted in his head. From that moment on Shunsui couldn't hear anything but Yoruichi. Not the steady beating of the shower water on the porcelain of the tub, not the relaxing tune he was humming, barely his own thoughts. Each time she moaned out his name it became harder to maintain his cool façade.

She begged him to fuck her… pleaded for it. All the while, her hands stayed firmly planted on the back of his head, seemingly trying to push his whole face inside of her. He needed to end this now. He wanted to be inside of her. With a quick dart of his tongue and strong suck on her clit she came hard with a scream, tearing the blankets off the bed. She nearly suffocated him to death as she squeezed his head between her thighs.

_'That's three.'_

Yoruichi faded in and out of consciousness as Shunsui got to his feet and wiped his practically dripping face with his discarded kimono.

"You're so mean," she mumbled. He eyed the barely coherent beauty. Her eyes were closed and her cinnamon skin glistened with sweat. "You…you're mean and…and you don't share your huge penis with the less fortunate," she stammered.

Shunsui couldn't help but be amused. It was like she was drunk. He cocked an eyebrow. He thought he was being rather considerate, but if she wanted to see just how mean he could be he'd be more than happy to show her.

She started to speak again, spouting more mindless nonsense. "I bet Jushiro's nice," she slurred. "He'd probably give me some—OH, SHIT! Daddy!"

His monstrous member was inside her before she even knew what was happening. Yoruichi screamed at the sudden intrusion, and then snapped her mouth shut.

Shunsui paused a moment, so did Yoruichi. _'What the fuck did I just say?'_

A blatant smirk spread across his face. "You talk too much, pussycat," Shunsui whispered seductively in her ear. Her only reply was a soft whimper. "Isn't this what you wanted?" he asked her. "To be fucked." He pulled out slowly, only to ram back into her harder than he had the first time. She screamed out and dug her nails into his bare back, completely forgetting about her slip-up.

Yoruichi's clouded mind cleared instantly. He was big… too big. It was the most amazing pain she'd ever felt. She shifted her hips trying to get a better angle. Nothing worked. She thought briefly about yelling _strawberries_, but decided against it. He probably thought she was crazy enough as it was.

"Don't run." His warm breath caressed her neck, sending a shiver through her body. There was an unfamiliar look in his eyes that made her heart pound with excitement. She liked this Shunsui.

He drew back, bringing Yoruichi's legs up straight in front of him before pressing them down until her knees rested comfortably on her face. Her flexibility was definitely appreciated. He pushed into her again, but only about halfway. He wasn't trying to kill her after all, just teach her. The torturously slow pace Shunsui kept made Yoruichi want to blow her brains out. He'd bring her right to the edge and then back off.

"Please," she begged.

He slowly pushed in again. "Please what?"

Shunsui watched as Yoruichi gritted her teeth and plastered that stubborn look on her face. He slammed into her hard, knocking that expression clean off.

"Let me cum!" she blurted.

Without saying a word he flipped her over onto her stomach. He spread her legs and bent them in, resting her feet on his stomach. Then he snatched her arms back, pulling her chest up off the bed, holding her wrists together with one hand. The position was odd and surprisingly one Yoruichi had never been in before. She soon found out it was one of the few positions she'd be able to take all of him in.

Twelve positions and three orgasms later Yoruichi could barely see straight. She was so weak she couldn't even roll over with her own strength. She just lay in one of the many wet spots she'd made on the bed with her eyes closed, panting heavily. He was a freak of nature. He hadn't even come once… not once. She hadn't been this exhausted since Kisuke had wanted to try a toy he'd made on her that was filled with his reiatsu. She was pulled from her thoughts by Shunsui's fingers slipping between her cheeks.

"Shunsui, no. Please." She knew she was bitching out, but she just couldn't take any more. She managed to turn and look over her shoulder at an honestly shocked-looking Shunsui. Maybe he thought he'd heard her wrong. "I can't take any more," she repeated a little louder.

He paused for a moment, but then continued prodding at her second entrance.

"AHHHHHHHHH," she screamed at the top of her lungs, reaching an all-time low. She hoped to god that Lisa had not stayed to record this. Of course the situation didn't warrant such a reaction, but since she couldn't move, that was her only defense.

Shunsui slapped her hard on the ass, barely holding in a laugh. "Shut up."

"Please don't split me in half," she pleaded, still a little breathless.

Shunsui nodded, eliciting a sigh of relief from the Flash Goddess. He got to his feet. "You want a drink?"

He took her grunt as a yes and left the room, returning moments later with the Gentleman Jack she'd brought for him in one hand and a glass of water for her in the other. As soon as he laid eyes on her he knew she was asleep. Smiling as he sat the drinks down, he went to finally cut the shower off. Upon reentering the room, he covered Yoruichi up with his kimono and gingerly picked her up, cradling her in his arms like a newborn. They could sleep in one of the other rooms since his bed was probably soaked through. Kyoraku paused when he got to the door and turned slightly.

"Feel free to join us next time, Lisa," he called out of the open window, then turned and exited the room.

**A/N: Is my fangirl showing? ANYWAY, Moral of the story? You can't pimp a pimp. I have to say, I absolutely love this pairing now. By the way, the song the girls were singing is actually a song from the movie _The Sweetest Thing, _it's called _The penis song_ if you want to look it up.**

**Okay, now for a really stupid question. It's partly for this story and partly just because I want to know. lol**

**If you made a list "People whose voice I want to fuck" who would be on it, and it doesn't have to be a Bleach character. (any anime is fine)**

**These are some of mine in no specific order:**

**Adult Lambo/Spanner - Hitman Reborn  
>Luka - UrabokuBetrayal knows my Name  
>Byakuya - Bleach<br>Ulquiorra - Bleach  
>Shunsui - Bleach<br>Starrk - Bleach  
>Sebastian - Black Butler<br>Hijikata - Peacemake Kurogane  
>Shizuo - Durarara<br>Gojyo (English)- Saiyuki (Probably the only English voice I absolutely adore.)  
>Kenpachi - Bleach (lol. I guess that only for people that like it rough?) o_o<strong>

**I'll stop there or I'll just keep on going**


	9. Thriving in Social Situations Part 1

**Alrighty. This is Part 1 of Chapter 9. It was just getting toooo long. I know it's been forever, but you guys rock for bearing with me. I've just been super busy planning a wedding…not to mention I started a new fic that I'd been trying to avoid. Anywho, without further ado…**

**A big THANKS and a shot of jack to everyone who reads, reviews, favorites…or any of that other stuff. I love you guys. Your reviews crack me up. **

**And to ****Wren****…You guessed it!**

**This chapter was Beta'd by Mishiko Shinsei and Tomas the Betrayer…They Rock**

Over a dozen women sat in stupefied disbelief as Yoruichi Shihoin's complete and utter sexual subjugation unfolded onscreen. Between all the screaming, begging and cursing, no one could think of a single thing to say. Only when it looked to be winding down did they find their voices.

"Holy shit! How'd he know you were out there?" Nel questioned, turning to Lisa. The Visored shrugged. She'd wondered the same thing. The camera had gone crashing to the ground as soon as she heard Shunsui call her name. Otherwise she might have taken him up on that offer, just for the memories.

"I want to worship at the altar of Shunsui," Rangiku mumbled in an almost reverent voice.

Yoruichi rolled her eyes. "Shut up."

"He'll never let me live this down." Lisa put her head in her palm.

"He'll never let _you_ live it down," Kukaku snapped mockingly. "What about his new daughter over here?" Yoruichi flinched and a couple of the ladies snickered. _"Daddy," _Kukaku spat in disgust.

The once supreme head of their all-female cabal hung her head in shame. Watching the video had only made her feel worse. She didn't regret what she'd done. It was too awesome to ever deny…she just didn't want anyone else to see it. "What do you want me to say?" Yoruichi snapped. This was almost too embarrassing, even for her. "I'm sorry."

"You got that right. A sorry piece of shit."

"Well, damn," Rangiku laughed. "A little jealous there, Kaku?"

Shiba waved the blonde off. "No! Not only did she fail her mission… but she went out like a bitch," Kukaku continued, unable to believe what she'd just seen.

"What was I supposed to do?" Yoruichi questioned, honestly wanting to know.

"At least fail with some dignity," her hot-headed friend snapped. "For god's sake, Yo, you _begged _him to stop. Would it have killed you to make him cum _one_ time?"

"I was tired," she complained. "He's like a robot."

Kukaku snorted. "He schooled your ass."

"He really did," Rangiku agreed.

Yoruichi's face reddened against her will. They were right. He'd made her feel like she hadn't a clue what she was doing. And to be honest, she'd loved every minute of it.

"Awww, look, she's blushing! I think somebody has a little crush," Rangiku giggled. The violet-haired captain quirked an eyebrow, before proceeding to punch Ran in the stomach.

"Owwww," the busty lieutenant coughed. "You're gonna regret that," she rasped from her keeled over position.

"I doubt it," Yoruichi retorted with a self-satisfied smirk.

"It's nothing to be ashamed about," Unohana piped up. "This _is_ Shunsui we're talking about. He's been around a long time, and he's experienced things most of us have never even heard of." She smiled amiably. "I would be proud if I were you. I've known Captain Kyoraku a long time and while he _is_ a determined flirt, there are very few that can boast ever actually being invited into his bed." The regal captain chuckled lightly. "I daresay I would have failed as well."

Kukaku stared blankly at the healer before plopping down in her seat. "Way to take the fun out of it, Retsu."

"Just trying to help," Unohana shrugged. "It doesn't change the fact that Captain Shihoin must pay the price for failing." This time her smile sent a chill up Yoruichi's spine. The shape-shifter groaned, not even wanting to think about what her consequences would be.

"Okay everyone, take a seat." Rangiku clapped her hands, now fully recovered. "There will be plenty of time to make fun of Yoruichi later. And as far as your punishment goes, I'll leave that to Kukaku." She shot Yoruichi a smug grin as the shocked members began to whisper. If Kukaku had been put in charge of Yoruichi's penalty, it was definitely going to be bad.

The lights were cut and the words _'Thriving in Social Situations'_ flashed on the projector screen. More excited whispering followed at the revelation of their next erotic topic. Meanwhile, Yoruichi groaned and slid down in her seat in an attempt to vanish from sight. _'Why me?'_ she thought.

"Shut the hell up so we can finish. We've still got to go upstairs and finish the decorations," Kukaku announced when the chatter didn't die down immediately. "It's my shindig tonight, and everybody needs to get makeovers."

She grinned when almost the entire room began to exclaim at once. Kukaku had laid down some pretty strict rules for the select few that she'd deemed worthy to invite to her little gathering. One such rule was, _'No Shinigami garb allowed'_. _"Don't wear that shit or I won't let you in,"_ the birthday girl had declared. Now she was eager to take advantage of her special day. "I want ya'll to look like the hookers you are."

"What do you mean _ya'll_?" Rangiku questioned. She smiled sweetly. "You're getting one too!"

This new development caused a very ugly look to settle on the one-armed warrior's face.

"Like hell I am." Shiba jumped from her seat in protest. There was no way she was going to allow Yoruichi to dress her. And Rangiku wasn't about to touch her hair. "Why would I permit anything as stupid as that?"

"Because we're your friends!"

Rangiku's cheerful beaming face looked eerily reminiscent of her old boy-toy. Kukaku decided it was time to lay down the law. "You're nuts if you think I'm gonna…"

"You'll do whatever we tell you to. Now _sit down!"_

Surprised by the blonde's unexpectedly stern tone, the birthday girl took a seat. Rangiku rushed through the lesson, leaving everyone a little confused about exactly what it was they were supposed to be learning. "The mission this week is to have sex in a public place. Okay, now let's move upstairs. We've got a lot of things to do."

The group looked on in confusion as she sauntered by.

"Whose turn is it, dipshit?" Kukaku asked lovingly, already rising from her seat.

"Oh, right." Rangiku stopped and rummaged around in her cleavage. She removed the list and called out loud, "Isane Kotetsu." Her twinkling blue eyes roamed around until they located the person in question. "Let's go, Legs. It's your turn."

There was a collective gasp as the lieutenant slowly got to her feet, a panicked expression on her face. _'Sex in public? How can they be so casual about this?'_

"Hurry, Isane," her captain urged. "We have a long night ahead of us."

She nodded and made her way to the front, hesitantly picking out the name of the man who would take her innocence. '_Please let it be someone nice, _Isane prayed as she reached into the chest._ 'Like Love, or even Ichigo. So what if he haymakered me the first time we met? Still better than…' _

When she laid her eyes on what was scrawled across the slip of paper a lump formed in her throat. _'Oh gods,'_ she thought. Isane told herself not to panic, but her body wouldn't listen. This couldn't be the person with whom she spent her first time. Not that there was anything wrong with him. Physically. He was a good-looking man to be sure, but she might as well have withdrawn a smoking stick of dynamite from the chest. Her breathing was slowly becoming erratic.

"I believe she's hyperventilating," Nemu stated calmly, pointing out the inner mayhem their associate was obviously experiencing.

"Who the hell'd she pick? Ōmaeda?" Kukaku cackled.

"God, I hope not," Sui-Feng turned up her nose in disgust.

"It is," Rangiku answered grimly as she peeked over Isane's shoulder.

"WHAT!" the second division captain screeched. Every jaw in the room hit the floor.

"Are you fucking shitting me?" Kukaku asked, wide-eyed.

"Yes," Rangiku giggled. "It's much better, now let's go. Everybody upstairs. I'll tell you on the way."

Rangiku and Kukaku herded the women up the ladder, ignoring any questioning whispers. Isane had to be practically dragged with them since she was stiff with shock. The paper fell from her numb fingers, fluttering to the ground.

Written across it was one word: 'Grimmjow'.

Week 8: Isane Kotetsu and Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez

Mission: Thriving in Social Situations – Life of the Party

Just as Rangiku said, there was a lot to do. While Unohana, Rukia and Orihime set up the delicious-looking food, Rangiku and Yoruichi assembled a makeshift beauty shop in the flash goddess' bedroom. Matsumoto had gone to the world of the living earlier in the week with instructions from Yoruichi to get outfits for every last member of the society, to their chagrin. Kukaku was busy erecting the poles, and Nel, Sui-Feng and Lisa cleared out the space that was to be used for the dance floor.

Needless to say, no one noticed a moping Isane, who sat alone in a corner on the verge of tears.

The night before, Rangiku had forced the group to go to the world of the living to take an exotic dance class. Surprisingly, instead of being a complete disaster like most of them thought it would be, the class was both informative and enjoyable. Hors d'oeuvres and saké were provided as they were taught by actual dancers in the art of the lap dance, the pole dance and the striptease.

To everyone's amazement, Lisa, Nemu and Sui-Feng were naturals on the pole. The instructor herself said they looked like professionals. After which, Kukaku declared that the three of them would dance for her at the party, and that they needed to find a way to get some poles into Yoruichi's house. Sui-Feng had vehemently refused, but as always Yoruichi stepped in, making her former student do yet another thing she would regret at a later time.

As expected Rangiku and Yoruichi excelled at the striptease, and surprisingly so did Orihime. When it came to the chair dance everyone did pretty well except Momo and the usually graceful Rukia who couldn't get used to the platform heels their instructor made them wear. Once they took them off though, it was smooth sailing.

Isane, however, had been unable to meet the exacting standards of either their instructor or, even worse, Yoruichi. She had been forced to endure several humiliating efforts thanks to Unohana's gentle coaxing. But the thought of doing something like that in public, much less before any men, had unnerved her so greatly, she couldn't stop shaking. And that was before she had been saddled with the task of pleasuring Grimmjow.

Coming to terms with the fact that she was going to lose her virginity to the bloodthirsty former sixth Espada was pretty much impossible… and out in the open. Did Rangiku and Yoruichi hate her? What had she done to deserve this?

"Hey, Legs," a cranky voice called out. She didn't look up immediately, not quite used to hearing the nickname.

"Yo," the voice called again. She'd barely turned her head when a bag of screws hit her in the face. Kukaku was glaring at her. "I need you," the noble barked.

Retrieving the projectile, Isane nodded politely and made her way to the bandaged woman who was struggling at the top of a ladder. "Help me put these things up," Kukaku commanded, pointing to the twelve-foot brass pole in her hand.

Isane's shoulders slumped further. "Do I have to? I really don't feel up to it." She rolled the pole on the floor with her foot.

"What's with the long face?" Kukaku scoffed. "I should be the one complaining. You get to bone Grimmjow." She watched Isane's frown deepen and snorted. "Just hold the pole still so I can drill it in."

The lieutenant nodded absently, too preoccupied with trying to figure out what to do. In the weeks that had passed since the start of the society, she had to admit that she'd loosened up a lot, even started to have a little fun. Then again, that was when all the pressure had been on somebody else. Now her turn had come, and the tall wallflower was finally starting to realize exactly what she had gotten herself into. Could she really go through with something like this?

"Get the next one ready while I screw this to the ground." Kukaku jumped down off the ladder, startling Isane from her reverie. She shoved the lieutenant away with a roll of her eyes. Isane knew the woman was only teasing her, but under the circumstances it seemed a little cruel. She picked up the second pole and padded away.

It took Kukaku no time at all to finish up and join Isane across the floor, dragging the ladder behind her. They erected the second pole in silence, Isane off in her own world and Kukaku sneering down at her despairing comrade. Just as they finished, the leggy lieutenant was called along with Momo to go back to Rangiku and Yoruichi's makeshift salon.

"Get outta here," Kukaku huffed. "Looking at your face is making me want to hit it." Isane hung her head and shuffled to the back as the Shiba leader yelled out, "Somebody get me a drink. Now!"

-o0o-

Yoruichi's bedroom looked like her closet had exploded. Clothes were everywhere. Some even seemed to be hanging from the ceiling. As soon as Isane entered, she was grabbed by the arm and hastily pushed down into Rangiku's chair.

"Now what can I do with this?" The cheerful beauty ran a hand through shaggy silver locks.

Isane looked around. Mashiro was over in the corner talking to her reflection in the mirror. Her usual white bodysuit had been replaced with hot pink jeans and a tank top that had just about every color known to man on it. The outfit was a little loud, which Isane assumed was why it seemed to suit the Visored perfectly.

"These jeans make my butt look big," the green-haired pixie whined.

"Your butt _is_ big," Yoruichi responded flatly. "Now go help set up. Love should be here any minute."

That meant music. Yoruichi had heard from Shinji that one of Love's many hobbies while in the human world was DJ-ing. Isane couldn't say that she was surprised. The former seventh division captain was one of the coolest people she'd ever met. A hundred years in exile was a long time. He needed to keep busy somehow.

"He's never on time," Mashiro explained as she turned around to face the rest of the women in the room. "And I want my hair done."

"Your hair is fine," Rangiku commented, still trying to decide on something for Isane.

"Love's here and I need a drink." Kukaku barged in, interrupting the ladies' conversation. Her eyes landed on Isane with a huff. "Get her one too." She pointed to the downcast lieutenant, making her turn red with embarrassment. "Her face is pissing me off."

"I'm sorry," Isane mumbled. This was all just too much. She didn't want to ruin Kukaku's birthday. She'd actually been looking forward to it ever since Yoruichi had mentioned it to the group a few weeks ago, but there was no way she was having sex in public. She wanted her first time to be perfect, preferably in private, with someone she loved, not Grimmjow….

"Leave her alone," Yoruichi snapped. She didn't know what was going on, but it was highly improbable that Isane had done anything wrong. It was _Isane_ after all.

"What's the problem?" Rangiku was leaning over the shy woman's shoulder. Isane blushed furiously, but said nothing. She groaned as her captain entered the room. Why didn't they just call everyone back here to mock her?

"All the food is set up and I showed Love where he should place his equipment. Is there anything else you need done?" Retsu paused upon seeing everyone gathered around her second seat.

"What's going on?"

Isane could ignore everyone but her captain. She slowly raised her gaze to meet her teacher's. As always Unohana's small concerned smile broke her fragile resolve, so that she found herself whispering, "I'm a virgin."

"Huh?" Kukaku leaned in closer.

"I'm a virgin," the humiliated woman repeated a tad louder.

"Oh," was the only response she received from Matsumoto at her back.

"Is that all?" Kukaku snorted. "I'm handicapped. I win."

Mashiro laughed loudly, earning her a glare from Yoruichi. "Sorry." The Visored promptly covered her mouth.

Rangiku couldn't say she was surprised by this information, but it had honestly never occurred to her before then. She could see Isane's dilemma. No normal woman would want their first time to be in front of a group of people, some of which were her superiors. She'd been in such a rush to get ready for the party she hadn't stopped to think. "How about we change your mission?" Rangiku suggested, looking to Yoruichi. "I mean, it _is_ a little harsh…for her. Don't you think?"

Isane looked up, eyes full of hope. Yoruichi thought it over a moment. She was certain this wasn't the only inexperienced girl in the group. Perhaps their more seasoned members should discuss teaching some of the basics for the next few weeks. It would obviously be beneficial for Isane and a couple others. Rukia and Nanao came to mind. Although she hated to do it, Yoruichi supposed the society could relent this one time. Everyone wasn't like her and Kukaku. Plus something like this would scar the gentle healer for life. "I'm fine with it," she finally answered with a shrug.

Isane gave a breath of relief. There was a god.

"Boo, you guys suck. It's not that big a deal," Kukaku huffed.

"Oh, come on, Kaku," Rangiku said, squeezing the grateful medic's shoulder reassuringly. "Give her a break."

The birthday girl rolled her eyes and sighed in exasperation.

"I'd have to agree with Lady Shiba," came a terrifyingly familiar voice. "Lieutenant Kotetsu will do the mission, and she will do it tonight."

Isane's head snapped around, a horrified expression on her face. A few feet away Unohana Retsu wore that same beatific smile she always affected, as if she had not just condemned her subordinate to a living hell. How could her cherished captain betray her like this?

"Hell, yeah," Shiba cheered, throwing a wooden arm around Unohana's shoulders.

"Well, I guess that's the end of that," announced a surprised Yoruichi.

"Don't worry, Isane," the fourth division captain spoke again, obviously not affected by the prosthetic limb draped over her small body. "We'll all be here to help you." That motherly smile did little to comfort her. For the first time in their relationship, Isane was seeing her captain for what she really was… a smiling demon.

Suddenly Rangiku dashed from the room, but in a few seconds she returned with every member following behind her. Isane buried her face in her palms, wishing she could cry. Things were getting worse by the minute.

When the last person squeezed in, Yoruichi started. "Okay, everyone listen up. Isane's doing her mission _tonight_." She paused to allow for the gasps and whispers to die down before continuing. "I want everyone to help out in any way they can. I know some of you aren't experienced in being, uh…experienced, but just do what you can, okay? This is a big night for her." They all nodded, still a little shocked.

"More like the worst night of my life," the silver-haired lieutenant mumbled into her hands.

"We're ready and willing to help our sister in ravishing an unsuspecting male!" Mashiro declared brightly. Every woman in the room nodded and Isane rolled her eyes at the thought of asking the ditzy Visored for advice about anything, much less this.

"This is gonna be so fun," Rangiku squealed happily, slapping her on the back in a playful manner. "Okay, everybody out. We've got a little over an hour before people start arriving and we need to be ready." She started shooing the women from the room as she yanked Isane from her seat, pushing her to Yoruichi.

"What about my hair?" the startled woman asked her golden-headed hairdresser.

"It's fine the way it is. We're pressed for time and something tells me I'll need more than a few minutes to tackle that inky squid Rukia calls a hairdo." Rangiku laughed at Isane's half-hearted smile as she was practically attacked by Yoruichi, who in turn handed her a pile of clothes to try on.

As the women continued to file out, Kukaku stopped her violet-haired friend in her tracks. "Don't think I forgot about you failing your mission, Yo."

All the ladies stopped, spinning to face their Vice-President. Yoruichi's eyes rolled in annoyance. The princess of Shiba only sneered at this defiant attitude. "I don't know what it's gonna be yet, but it's gonna be tonight. I'll let you know when it's time." Kukaku shot her friend a smug grin before throwing an arm around Unohana once again and exiting the room.

Rangiku shook her head as she readied herself for her next client. "Nanao!" she called.

-o0o-

Thankfully by the time people started arriving, everything was more or less set. Rose, Shuhei, and Kira were the first to arrive. Yoruichi and Unohana were still in the back getting ready, but Rangiku seemed eminently capable of being the perfect hostess. Wearing a slinky green Chinese dress that could barely cover her awe-inspiring endowments, she greeted them accordingly. "Welcome, gentlemen! The festivities are about to begin! Shoes are optional, as are pants. Be prepared to lose yours."

A cup of Gentleman Jack was immediately forced into their hands by Nemu in the guise of a French maid. Kira eyed her curiously before taking in the very different appearances of the rest of his female colleagues, his face heating up in the process.

"Why are you all dressed like this?" he questioned the Research division's second seat.

"It was required," Nemu answered simply. She then turned and clicked away in her shiny black high-heels. As she left, all three of the men gazed appreciatively at her shapely legs adorned in fishnet stockings. Despite having seen them bare often enough, somehow this way just seemed infinitely more wanton.

"Looks like this is gonna be some party," Shuhei elbowed Kira, wagging his eyebrows.

"Indeed," Rose agreed before gliding off towards Love and the DJ table.

Ichigo, Uryu, Chad and Renji came soon after. After that, the guests arrived at a steady pace.

Surprisingly, it stayed pretty tame considering whose party it was. That is, until the Fun Bunch arrived.

A hush fell over the room as Shunsui strode in, fully aware of the odd looks he was receiving. Attributing this to his strange attire he dutifully ignored it, continuing across the room to a large empty table. Following behind him came Ukitake, Starrk, Kisuke, and Shinji. All of them were dressed in roughly the same unusual raiment as Shunsui.

Momentarily forgetting about her problems, Isane watched from the shadows, practically drooling as the group leisurely made their way past the buffet table and took their seats.

Moments later, Nemu was serving them drinks. Isane couldn't help but laugh at the way they all openly eyed the twelfth squad lieutenant's new look. Even _she_ had only seen her friend out of uniform once or twice.

"Are you going to mope all night?" asked an irritatingly cheery voice from behind her.

Isane didn't bother turning around. She knew who it was. "I'm busy," she responded in a fairly authoritative manner, still devouring the new arrivals with her eyes.

Rangiku pulled at her arm in an effort to rouse her from that spot. Isane resisted, shaking her head profusely. Either the other woman hadn't noticed the incredible display of masculine appeal or she was blind stinking drunk. A lack of alcohol on her breath told Isane it was probably the former, but she had no desire to divide her own attention off that robust assemblage long enough to cue Rangiku in.

The gorgeous lush pursed her lips in a saucy moue that had driven many a man to their knees.

"Do you want me to go get Captain Unohana?"

That got her attention. Isane's head snapped around. "You wouldn't dare."

"I _would_ dare," Rangiku answered, eyes narrowing at her trembling target. She gave the woman another tug and this time she stood, albeit reluctantly. With a sigh, Isane dropped her chin remorsefully, in the process coming face-to-face with her own bountiful bosom. Yoruichi had forced her into a one-piece short set that made her feel practically naked. The shorts were living up to their name in the worst way, and the top was halter style, bright red and showing cleavage enough to make a hooker proud.

She looked down on the blonde lieutenant with a frown. Despite being topped by a good six inches of height, Rangiku showed no sign of being intimidated. She simply winked up at her tall comrade, took her by the hand and proceeded to drag her over to the bar.

"Ok, what'll it be?" she asked the sulking social shut-in.

"Holy shit!" screamed a voice from across the room.

Recognizing it as Kukaku, Rangiku and Isane spun around. "She can't be drunk already. We're barely getting started," the blonde whined. Then she gave a violent start. Isane smiled a trifle smugly. _'Noticed it now, did we?'_

The lieutenants watched as Kukaku strode across the room towards the large table full of men dressed in their…"Togas," Rangiku exclaimed in an almost orgasmic rumble. Her jaw hit the floor. How could she have missed that? Kisuke, Shunsui, Starrk… in togas? Her head turned to Isane. "Do you see this?" she asked rhetorically.

Isane just glared at her. "I'm going back to my spot. It had a perfect view." She got up and strode off.

"You didn't even get a drink," Matsumoto called after her.

"Bring it to me," Isane shouted back, not bothering to turn around. She'd intended to return to her little corner where she could be out of sight and still enjoy the view, but she never made it. Halfway across the room, in walked Captain Zaraki, followed by Kensei, Ikkaku, Yumichika and finally…Grimmjow.

Isane's eyes widened. She turned and ran like a bat out of hell, not bothering to stop until she was in an unfamiliar part of the Shihoin manor. Her heart felt like it would beat out of her chest.

"I can't do this," she murmured on the verge of tears.

"Isane!" someone called from behind her. The lieutenant turned with a start. Kukaku had followed her. That hateful woman. She looked around frantically for somewhere to hide, but it was too late. She was trapped.

"Legs! Get your ass back out here. I need your help with something," Shiba grinned devilishly.

Isane turned to face the one-armed devil, drawing on whatever wellsprings of resolve she could claim to possess. "There are at least thirty people out there now. Ask one of them."

Shiba stared at her in a most intimidating way. Those aforementioned wellsprings dried up pretty fast under the burning sun of that nasty glare. "Why does it have to be me?" Isane huffed.

"It just does," Kukaku snapped. She snatched the towering woman's arm, dragging her back down the hall and into the main room, ignoring Isane's protests. In the middle of the floor was Grimmjow. Isane squeezed her eyes shut as if that would stop the nightmare from continuing.

Kukaku walked right up to the turquoise-haired Arrancar and swung Isane around her body. Thankfully the lieutenant was able to stop before she crashed into the former Espada, who already looked a little perturbed.

"Help her move that pole about three feet to the right," Shiba demanded. "You can drink yourself into a coma afterwards." Kukaku tried her hardest to look serious. The fact was, nothing was wrong with where the poles were now. She just wanted to watch Isane squirm, and after seeing the virgin's mortified expression, she decided it was worth it.

"I didn't come here to work," he spat. "I thought this was a party."

"What's wrong with where it is?" Isane practically whined.

"Yeah. Fuck I look like, a hired hand?" Grimmjow snarled. "Get Ichigo to do it." He turned away from the two women and made a beeline for the bar.

"She'll give you a lap dance," Kukaku blurted loud enough to make half the room stop what they were doing and look their way.

Isane felt as though all the lights had gone out with the exception of a single spotlight of sheer humiliation shining right on her. She wanted to protest; say that she had no intention of doing _that_ to him or anyone else for that matter.

"I'll help her with _erecting_ the poles," Kisuke yelled across the room, earning him more than a few laughs. "Anything to hurry along what I'm sure you have in mind!"

"Ok, that's fine," Isane answered quickly. "Captain Urahara can help me."

"Trust me, you don't want that," Kukaku assured her.

"Then I'll do it myself," the now traumatized Isane huffed, moving past her tormentor. She didn't really need anyone's help after all. It's not like she was completely helpless. The reputation the fourth division had of being a bunch of incompetent wimps was an undeserving one, as she well knew. She knelt down cautiously, still not entirely comfortable in the short shorts, and retrieved the drill.

The determined handywoman then proceeded to climb the ladder. Halfway up someone grabbed her leg, startling her. It was too large and rough to be Kukaku's. But she almost wished it was when she looked down to find her very own unwitting target for this evening with his hand firmly wrapped around her thigh.

"Do the bottom first, idiot," sneered a grinning Grimmjow. Isane looked down on him with a frown, not at all noticing how beautiful his eyes were.

"I'm not an idiot, and I said I'll do it myself. And don't touch me." She tried to sound authoritative. His grin just widened.

The former Espada reached up and snatched the drill from Isane's hand. She stumbled, almost falling from the ladder in her attempt to hold onto the tool. "Stop your bitching," Grimmjow snapped. "I'm gonna do more than touch your leg when I get that dance." He blatantly eyed her ass and licked his lips. Isane barely had time to register what was happening before he'd reached up and firmly slapped her rear.

She let out a squeak, and then she was falling… flailing and falling, as if she were being attacked by a swarm of bees. Grimmjow, not wanting to be crushed by the freakishly large woman, moved to the side, just barely dodging one of Isane's arms as she slammed to the ground. All eyes were on them… again. The fourth squad lieutenant's grimace was now so deep her face appeared to be sliding off. This was the man she was going to lose her virginity to. Adequate words did not exist in the language of pluses, Hollows or Hell to voice her displeasure.

Kukaku stood by the bar with a pleased grin. This was going to be the best birthday ever.

To Isane's pleasure and Kukaku's disappointment, Grimmjow ended up assembling the pole by himself, all the while mumbling about how useless Isane was. Rangiku eventually came to rescue her, drink in hand. Thankfully it wasn't a jack and coke. It was fruity and delicious. Not nearly as strong as the whiskey, but strong enough to calm her frayed nerves. She finished it off quickly and immediately asked for another. Rangiku was more than happy to be of service. She returned not a minute later with another of the same.

"What is this?" Isane asked, sipping at the second drink.

"You like it?"

The silver-haired woman nodded as she inspected the reddish-brown liquid.

"It's a Raspberry Long Island. I thought you'd like it." Rangiku smiled kindly. Actually it was the only drink she could think of that was strong enough to loosen Isane up…way up, and still taste like fruity girly awesomeness. Isane felt the effects almost immediately.

"Thanks for nothing." Grimmjow stalked up to the women, irritation visible. He shoved the drill into Isane's free hand and relieved her of her drink. "Put the ladder away."

Isane eyed him incredulously as he brought her cup to his lips and took a rather sizable gulp.

"This shit is disgusting," he complained, turning on his heels and leaving the women behind. "I'll let you know when I'm ready for that dance," he called back casually.

"I'm jealous," Rangiku commented seriously. "You're so lucky."

Isane rolled her eyes in disgust. "Get me another drink," she commanded the blonde before turning to go back to her seat in the corner of the room.

-o0o-

"You all look very handsome," Unohana offered with a polite smile.

"We know," replied Shunsui, Kisuke and Shinji in unison. Jushiro let out an embarrassed laugh.

"They look like girls," Kenpachi grunted.

"You need to change your underwear yet?" Kukaku teased her purple-haired friend, throwing an arm around her shoulder. The ancient healer smiled as Yoruichi, who stood dumbly behind her, snapped her mouth shut. Feeling helpful, Kukaku wiped the saliva from Yoruichi's chin.

"You're drooling, pumpkin," she whispered mockingly into her ear, following it up with a kiss on the cheek.

"Nice shirt," Kenpachi chuckled.

"Thanks." The star of the evening grinned, doing a little spin. Her normal attire of burnoose and jacket had been replaced with a novelty plastic crown and a tank top. The front of the shirt read, _Kiss me, Bitch._ The back followed up with, _It's my Birthday_.

"So get over here," the hulking war machine grinned manically.

"Just pass her around the table," Shinji suggested.

Kukaku laughed. "Fuck off," she snapped despite her reddening face. "So what's this all about?" she motioned to the group of seated men in a slightly desperate attempt to change the subject.

The subject of their attire would have drawn interest even if worn by less utterly delectable beefcakes. Ukitake wore a white, asymmetrical, long-sleeved toga with gold trim. It stopped right below his knees. A crown of gold laurel leaves adorned his snow-white head. This celestial look was something only he was capable of pulling off. In contrast Shunsui had on an asymmetrical floor length number, burgundy with gold trim, and sleeveless. His loosely waved hair hung down his back, out of its usual ponytail. He thought Yoruichi would appreciate it. She did, along with every other woman in the room.

Shinji and Kenpachi were topless. The blonde had wrapped a shiny gold, fabric around his waist and pulled it through his legs to make a pair of pants. A white tie hung down his bare chest. Kukaku thought he resembled a stylish genie. Kenpachi, on the other hand, looked like he just took a white sheet, threw it around his waist and tied it sloppily with a rope. He'd obviously taken his sword to the bottom of the makeshift garment. It was shredded just like his captain's robe. For once though, his hair was not up in its usual spikes. It hung straight and slightly damp on his muscular shoulders.

Both Kisuke and Starrk decided to show some leg, opting for short togas. The genius inventor's was a white and green version of what Shunsui was wearing. It stopped right above the knee. His lazy neighbor seemed to have just thrown on a white poncho with a rope tied around his waist. He'd finished off the look with brown gladiator-style knee sandals. It left little to the imagination, but he'd get no complaints.

"It's your birthday present," Kisuke explained, encompassing the presentation of ancient Rome's glory with a lordly sweep of his arm. The men raised their glasses to salute her…for the most part.

"That's not what I wanted." Shiba turned up her nose and folded her arms across her chest.

"Well, Lady Shiba," Retsu smiled. "What _did_ you want?" Her eyes moved thoughtfully from Captain Zaraki to Shinji.

Kukaku cut her eyes at the healer, realizing that she might have confided a little too much earlier that night. "You shut up," she snapped, mentally berating herself for running her mouth.

"I know," Kisuke interrupted.

"You do?" the green-eyed woman questioned nervously.

He just smiled, reaching into the rather large bag of 'supplies' he'd brought with him and nodded silently to Rangiku as she sauntered up to the table. The gift was barely halfway out of the bag when the one-armed woman squealed, throwing herself at Kisuke and landing in his lap.

"You remembered!" she beamed before planting a hard and rather unexpected kiss on him. She released him from the lip-lock, ignoring his idiotic smile.

"Of course I did. You didn't think I'd forget my favorite girl?"

"Favorite!" Yoruichi gasped, finally able to tear her eyes away from Shunsui. Kisuke laughed nervously, raising an apologetic hand. "I meant second favorite."

"What about me?" Ran whined.

"What the hell?" Shinji mumbled, not believing his ears.

"All of you are my favorite… equally," Kisuke tried nervously. Rangiku and Yoruichi shared an unconvinced look as Kukaku continued to sit comfortably in the scientist's lap, cuddling her present. "Umm…each of you is special in your own way." He was met with blank stares. "Uh, sooooo… the _like_ that I have for each of you is homogeneously analogous." He grinned even as he spotted Unohana's raised eyebrow. Her bullshit detector had obviously gone off, but no one else's had and that was all that mattered. They were confused, which was perfect. _'Crisis averted.'_

"What the hell is that anyway?" Rangiku questioned, still a tad miffed, but obviously accepting the questionable explanation she'd been given.

"Tea," the scientist and the birthday girl answered in unison.

"You wanted tea for your birthday?" Ran questioned. "How boring. I thought I taught you better." She could think of a hundred things she would ask the scientist for if she ever got the chance. And tea was not one of them.

Kukaku clutched the plastic bag to her chest, obviously offended at having her special gift mistaken for _just_ tea. "What do you mean? This isn't just _any_ tea."

"That's right," Kisuke agreed.

"It's Kisuke's _special_ tea." The group seemed unconvinced.

"What's so special about it?" the busty blonde asked.

"You're a whore," Kukaku overreacted before jumping from Kisuke's lap and storming off, leaving the group more than a little confused.

-o0o-

Byakuya and Ulquiorra were the last to arrive. Whether they were just being fashionably late or wanted to spend as little time there as possible was debatable. All that concerned Isane was staying out of sight and away from Grimmjow. Maybe he'd get drunk and forget about the lap dance Kukaku had promised. It was a happy thought, but not very likely. Every so often, Renji, Ichigo, or one of the other guys would glance her way. They weren't half as discreet as they thought they were. He'd obviously told everyone in the room what was supposedly to come. Now on her third Long Island, she was far from the ball of nerves she'd been earlier, but still wasn't ready to do… _that_ with the former Espada or anyone for that matter.

Everyone was still fawning over Captain Ukitake, the rest of the toga bunch, and the newly added Byakuya and Ulquiorra, who both sported black suits. Byakuya's with a tie, Ulquiorra's without. They were seriously overdressed and Isane, right along with every other woman in the room, would be eternally grateful. She wondered if this was what Kukaku had in mind when she'd made the 'No Shinigami uniforms' rule. If so, she was a genius.

"You can't stay over here all night," Momo commented politely, walking up with a cup in hand. She looked adorable in a pleated yellow mini-skirt and shirt with a smiley face on it. Rangiku had made it a point to take the little lieutenant's hair out of the cloth it was usually tied up in, instead putting it in loose ringlet curls. She looked better than Isane had seen her in months. Possibly ever. "They'll just drag you out there and make you do it. You know they will."

Isane nodded. It was true. She wouldn't be able to hide out for much longer. Kukaku would be at her again soon. And if not her, Rangiku.

"At least act like you're having a good time. Mingle a little. They'll probably be less inclined to bother you if they think you're doing the mission on your own." The little lieutenant smiled at the sulking woman, extending a hand.

"Momo." Isane's voice was low. "Are you a virgin?"

That cherubic face reddened. "I am, but…" she paused a moment to take in the scene around them. "We may be young compared to most of the people here, but we've been alive for over a hundred years. Maybe it's time we lived a little."

Isane shrugged. "I don't know anything anymore."

"I know what you mean. I am the resident psychopath, after all." Momo chuckled and Isane frowned.

"That's not funny."

The younger girl sighed. "Sorry. I'm just saying I think maybe it's time for a change. Grimmjow's not so bad." The two looked across the room right as the subject of their conversation dumped the contents of his cup all over Ikkaku's head, drawing laughter from Ichigo and some of the others gathered around.

Isane's face dropped. "I see exactly what you mean. I don't know how I missed it before."

"I didn't say he was Prince Charming. I don't believe in that anymore," her friend huffed. This sudden change in demeanor made Isane's expression soften. "I mean you have to admit, he's not bad to look at." Momo smiled up at her friend and Isane couldn't help but notice that it didn't quite reach her eyes. "He's kind of like a bigger, cockier, meaner, hotter Ichigo."

They looked across the room again. Grimmjow had turned his attention from Ikkaku, who had discarded his wet shirt, to Renji. The two were yelling about something and Ichigo stood by laughing his ass off.

"Nice try," Isane deadpanned. The former Espada was nothing like Ichigo. The young hero was sweet and caring, perpetual scowl aside.

"Let's go." Hinamori took a reluctant Isane by the hand, dragging her off towards the group of rowdy shinigami.

-o0o-

"Yo, short shuff," Kukaku walked up, slapping Toshiro on the back. His head snapped around to glare at the birthday girl.

"Captain," he corrected.

She nodded to Byakuya and Ulquiorra who were the only others at the table. They ignored her.

"Whatever, shrimp. Where's your drink?"

Toshiro's eye twitched dangerously. He wasn't very well-acquainted with the fireworks expert. He'd only ever seen her a handful of times, but from what he could tell, she was a strong, no-nonsense kind of person, much like himself. He could respect that, but she was pushing it. "I don't drink."

"You will today." She summoned Nemu. "Bring a jack and coke for the midget." The acting bartender was back in a flash, placing a glass of brown liquid in front of the tenth squad captain.

"If you insult me again, Shiba, they will be the last words you ever speak." The temperature in the room lowered. No one seemed to notice, especially not Kukaku who was on her third drink.

She welcomed the breeze.

"Save your threats, hobbit. I need you to do me a favor."

The young captain instinctively reached back over his shoulder to where Hyorinmaru should have hung, only to grasp empty space. He'd been forced to leave his zanpakuto behind. According to his lieutenant it was disrespectful to bring a weapon into a noble's home. He now saw that had been complete bullshit. Taking a quick survey of the room, not only did Ulquiorra have his soul cutter, but Urahara, Zaraki and Ikkaku.

Beside him, Kuchiki and his lieutenant looked on disinterestedly, their cool façades calming him somewhat. The last person he wanted to lose his temper in front of was Byakuya, the embodiment of self-control, and he suspected that the Shiba head wouldn't leave him alone until he gave her what she wanted. _'This is why I hate parties.'_

"What do you want?" he forced out through clenched teeth.

"Drink. Then I'll tell you." Kukaku gave him a sinister smile. "Everyone in this room _will_ be fucked up before the night is over. That's a promise."

"Forget it." The white-haired captain turned in his seat, attempting to ignore the woman that was now plopping down on the pillows next to him. He sighed in aggravation. He'd just have to wait her out. There was no way she was going to sit with him and waste her whole birthday.

"So, Byakuya," Shiba threw her legs up on the table, crossing them at the ankles, "What's up? You having fun? Hey, you don't have a drink either."

Lord Kuchiki shared a blank stare with his lieutenant before they both turned to Toshiro. Although their faces were expressionless and neither of them actually spoke, he heard what they were saying loud and clear. _Do whatever you have to in order to get this woman away from us or we will kill you both._

He had no choice. The young captain grudgingly picked up the lone glass on the table. He took one more opportunity to glare at the busty woman before bringing the cup to his lips and drinking as much as he could before a cough wracked his small body. Kukaku cackled hysterically as Toshiro clutched his chest as if were having a heart attack.

"It's strong, ain't it?" She guffawed louder, before calling again on Nemu to bring Byakuya and Ulquiorra one of the same. "Hurry up and finish it off."

As the young captain struggled to finish his whiskey and soda, Nemu arrived with two more glasses. Ulquiorra cautiously tested his, but Byakuya did not.

"I'm finished. Now what do you want?" The prodigy slammed the glass down with a small but noticeable sense of accomplishment.

Shiba got to her feet and smiled down at the young man. "Nothing." She turned and strolled away. Toshiro couldn't help but notice the extra bounce in her step.

Furious, the turquoise-eyed captain turned to the noble and lieutenant at his side. He'd been tricked and felt idiotic. Byakuya didn't even waste a glance in his direction but Ulquiorra met his icy stare. His melancholy green eyes revealed none of what he was actually thinking until…

"Trash."

Lieutenant Cifer then turned away, leaving Toshiro speechless.

-o0o-

"What's that?" Renji peeked into Momo's cup curiously.

"Oh, I'm not really sure. You'd have to ask Nemu."

The redhead nodded, grabbing Ichigo's wrist and pulling him in the direction of the bar. He was yanked back.

"Go by yourself!" Ichigo snapped. "I'm not drinking tonight."

Momo giggled. "Don't let Kukaku hear you say that."

"Why the hell not?" Renji whirled around with a frown, still holding firmly onto the boy's arm.

Ichigo snatched his hand back. "You know good and damn well why I'm not. I still have a headache from last night." Renji didn't try to hide his grin. He, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Grimmjow and a couple others had gone out the night before and gotten completely wasted… or at least Ichigo did. He still couldn't hang with the likes of Ikkaku or the blue-haired bastard, but he'd come a long way from when he'd first become an officer.

"Stop being such a pussy. It's a party. So party," a topless Ikkaku commented from his perch atop an empty table.

Momo and Isane shared an amused glance at the bald man before looking at each other and giggling. It was practically impossible to look at him and not think of his failed attempt at sex.

"You want me to beat that smirk off your face?" Ichigo taunted the shirtless brawler.

Ikkaku's grin widened. "Try it." He hopped off the table and headed towards the orange-haired lieutenant.

Kukaku Shiba came marching up with fire in her eyes. "You two calm the hell down before I rip your dicks off." Ichigo froze. Knowing Kukaku, she wouldn't hesitate to make good on that threat. Ikkaku, on the other hand, rolled his eyes while continuing towards Ichigo.

Slowly and quietly, Isane moved behind Momo. She knew she should have stayed in her corner. Kukaku saw her, of course. Isane was practically twice Momo's size, but she'd leave her alone for now. "Hey, dipshit." The voluptuous pyromaniac placed her wooden hand on Ikkaku's chest, stopping him in his tracks. "You hard of hearing?"

He knocked her hand away, obviously not the least bit concerned with the potential loss of his manhood. Kukaku's face twisted in confusion. Only an eunuch would be so casual when threatened with such a thing. Then it hit her. He didn't care because he didn't need it. It wasn't like he knew how to use it. As far as Ikkaku was concerned that thing between his legs was good for digging holes in the ground and maybe hanging his hat, if he ever wore one. Given the choice of giving up his sword or his cock, it was pretty obvious which one this dumbass would choose.

While she'd been having her earth-shattering revelation, the bald idiot had moved around her and put Ichigo in a headlock. Kukaku rolled her eyes and surveyed the room. This wasn't what she'd had in mind at all. All the right people had been invited but she was bored… terribly so. The music was too low and everyone was scattered about the large room in their respective cliques.

Unacceptable.

-o0o-

"You kids seem to be having a fun alcohol-free time." Yoruichi had spotted her one-time students from across the room looking entirely too uncorrupt for her liking. Chad took up half of the couch with Rukia and Orihime occupying the other side. Ishida Uryu sat on the arm dressed in a white suit with a Quincy-blue shirt. Yoruichi shook her head. They exuded wholesomeness.

"We're underage," Chad stated dryly.

Yoruichi rolled her eyes in revulsion. "That's hardly an excuse."

The young Quincy pushed his glasses up on his nose with a slender finger. His eyes settled on Ikkaku and Ichigo who were across the room arguing about something, probably whose brain was the smallest, and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I won't speak for them, but I don't think I can make it through the night without some kind of help."

Chad grunted in what might have been surprise and Yoruichi smirked. "I knew there was a reason I always liked you."

Ishida raised an ebony brow as the werecat reached out and pulled him to his feet, wrapping his arm around hers. She smiled sweetly, which was alarming, but he said nothing. "Let's go get you fixed up."

The Quincy let Yoruichi lead him across the room, the hand that wasn't held hostage by the brown-skinned woman tucked casually in his pocket. Rukia looked on stunned. "Are you seeing this?"

Chad grunted again. Orihime said nothing.

"Orihime," Rukia nudged her friend, eyes still glued to the Quincy's back. She didn't answer. "Hime," she called again, finally turning to the orange-haired girl who was staring off into space. "Hime!"

"WHAT!" The girl's head finally snapped around and big brown eyes glared at Rukia with malicious intent.

Rukia recoiled. "Sorry."

The young healer shrugged sweetly, spinning back around to gaze off into the distance. Peeking over her friend's shoulder Rukia spoke quietly. "What are you looking at?"

The girl whirled around again, this time smiling. "Let's go say hi to Captain Ukitake."

"Uhh, why?"

"Rukia," she scolded. "Because he's your captain; don't be disrespectful."

"Whaaa… disrespectful?" Rukia gasped. "I just saw him a couple of hours ago." She watched her former classmate's shoulders slump in what appeared to be disappointment. That lasted about half a second, then her eyes lit up again.

"Let's go see Captain Urahara."

There was treachery afoot. Rukia was sure of it. Her eyes wandered over to the table of toga wearers. "What is this really all about, Orihime?"

The girl gasped theatrically while bringing a hand to her cheek. "I can't begin to imagine what you're talking about. I'm just trying to be polite!" She was a crappy liar and she knew it. It was obvious Rukia wasn't buying it. Orihime folded her arms across her chest, defeated. "Fine. I don't care if everyone thinks we're cold and heartless." With her nose pointed to the sky she turned back around to continue gazing at the table of older men.

-o0o-

"Hey, are we paying you to socialize or to DJ?"

"You're not paying me at all." Love looked up, straightening his ever-present shades. Occupying the nearby table were Rose, Lisa and Nanao.

Kukaku smirked. "Well, you think you can kill all these conversations for me? This ain't no spring social. You know what I mean?"

The brown-skinned Visored nodded in tune with the low music and shot her an award-winning smile. In an instant Kukaku's eardrums were being assaulted by god-only-knows what kind of music. The pulsing bass rattled the house. Glancing back at the rest of the room she saw that every single eye was on her and the DJ. Yoruichi's mouth was moving and her arms were flailing around. She looked mad, but Kukaku couldn't hear her. _Perfect._

She smiled, turning back to the former shinigami and giving him an approving thumbs-up. He nodded, and pointed in the air. "WHAT?" Kukaku attempted to yell over the now blaring beat.

He motioned for her to come closer. She did, stopping once her bare stomach pressed firmly against the audio mixer. Kukaku leaned in as far as she could.

He met her. Grabbing the top of her head and forcefully turning it to the side he said, "Hit the lights for me." His cool voice made her involuntarily shiver. _'I must be drunker than I thought,'_ she concluded.

She backed away, or at least tried to, but Love caught her face in his rather large hand. Kukaku's eyes widened in what may or may not have been fear. Before she could pull away he leaned forward, closing the small space between them, placing his full lips on hers in a quick but deliberate kiss.

The confused woman stood frozen as he released her jaw and took a step away, focusing immediately back on the buttons and knobs in front of him.

Looking to her side she saw Lisa and Nanao's amused faces. Shiba glared at them before checking behind her. No one else seemed to be paying them any mind, but she was pleased to see Rangiku dancing like a drunken hooker. Progress was being made.

"Don't forget the lights." Warm breath caressed Kukaku's ear. The green-eyed noble whirled around to glare at the smirking DJ who gave no sign of noticing anything out of sort.

Lisa walked over with Nanao not far behind. "If you didn't want people's lips all over you then you shouldn't have worn that damned shirt."

Shiba looked down. She could barely see what her shirt said for her huge boobs, but she didn't need to. As previously stated, she was not that drunk yet, and Love's actions needed little in the way of imagination to decipher.

Rounding on her cohorts, the queen of the party growled, "Hit the lights for me, will ya? And meet me in Yoruichi's room when you're done. It's time to get this party started." Lisa nodded with a smile and went off to follow her instructions.

-o0o-

Kisuke returned to the table with the first pot of his freshly brewed tea. Kukaku was nowhere in sight, but that didn't mean the rest of them had to wait.

"So Captain Urahara, exactly what kind of tea is this?" Captain Ukitake sat up to the table eager for the chance to try this new brew. Kisuke smiled as he filled Shinji's cup. Steam escaped the pot, making its way to the half-Hollow's nose causing his eyes to widen in shock. Not to mention recognition. He'd know that smell anywhere.

"Is this−"

"Green tea," Kisuke answered, cutting Shinji off and giving him a pointed look. "The taste is a little odd so it'll take some getting used to, but it's good…or at least _I_ think so."

"We're taking shots of _tea_?" Yoruichi wasn't sure what Kisuke was up to, but she knew it was bad.

"Well, it's kind of strong," the devious shopkeeper explained.

"I bet it is," Hirako smirked, finally over the initial shock. _'That's why Kukaku was so excited,'__ he grinned to himself._

"It does have an odd smell." Jushiro lifted his glass, eyeing the seemingly normal liquid.

"I'm not drinkin' this shit," Kenpachi grunted before finishing up his Jack.

"Oh come on, Captain Zaraki," Unohana teased. "It is a party, after all." Her smile was sweet and completely nonthreatening, but after a few moments Kenpachi was reaching out and grabbing the small cup of steaming liquid.

Kisuke reclaimed his seat. "Alright, bottoms up everyone." Everyone save for Shinji hesitated, but eventually every cup was emptied.

"At least it tastes better than it smells," Yoruichi stated, still trying to figure out if she wanted to throw up or not.

"It's different," Ukitake smiled. "I like it. Let's all have another." He saw the reluctance on the faces of his comrades. "Oh, come on, it's not that bad."

"Sure, Jushiro, whatever you say." Shunsui patted his oldest friend on the back. "Kisuke, fill us all up again. As a matter of fact," the eighth squad captain scanned the room for the twelfth division lieutenant. Spotting her, he waved her over. "Nemu, give everyone in the room some of Kisuke's tea." The girl nodded obediently. "Get yourself some too. Don't work too hard. Remember to have some fun." He sent the girl off with a wink and was pleased to see the smallest hint of a smile as she left.

"Oh, look!" Yoruichi jumped up. "Byakuya!" she yelled, noticing her old student across the room attempting to be low-key. The overdressed noble ignored her completely. Yellow eyes narrowed as she began to get to her feet.

Someone caught her wrist. Friendly green orbs stared up at her as she looked down questioningly. "Why don't you let me?" Ukitake gently pulled her back down onto the pillows.

The group watched as the angelic-looking man stood and made his way to a visibly irritated Byakuya. Their conversation was short and noticeably one-sided, but whatever Jushiro said, worked. Ulquiorra got to his feet first and his captain slowly followed. Toshiro stayed, or perhaps he wasn't invited. Children shouldn't drink, after all.

"Look who I've convinced to join us," Ukitake smiled as the former Espada and his superior took a seat at the table next to theirs. "We're trying a new tea that Captain Urahara developed himself."

Captain Kuchiki haughtily sniffed the air around him. "It smells obscene."

Jushiro disguised his laugh as a cough. "I see. Well, it actually tastes quite good. Different, but good. Captain Urahara, would you mind if Captain Kuchiki sampled your tea?" Kisuke shrugged indifferently. "And how about you, Lieutenant Cifer?"

The green-eyed Arrancar nodded his thanks.

"Bottoms up, everyone," Jushiro announced before downing the odd-tasting drink. The others followed his lead, but not without complaint.

"That tea is disgusting," Starrk mumbled. "But I like it."

"I'm not sure if that makes sense, though I agree," Shunsui nodded.

"Yoruichi, would you mind getting me another of the gentleman's drink?" Ukitake held his glass out to the purple-haired woman, then turned to the sixth division captain. "Captain Kuchiki, have you tried it?"

"Tried what?" Byakuya tried not to sound as uninterested as he actually was.

"Gentleman… something or other." Ukitake looked to Yoruichi for assistance that he really didn't need.

"Jack," she offered. "Gentleman Jack."

"Yes, that's it. Gentleman Jack. The drink of gentlemen, I'm told. It's very good. Shunsui and I have both ordered a case to keep for special occasions. Would you care to try some?"

The group watched in awe as Ukitake manipulated the uptight noble with the skill of a veteran conman. Byakuya was being lured, with coughs and smiles, into the white-haired captain's web of lies. It was truly a thing of beauty.

The Kuchiki lord was quiet for a moment. Everyone waited to see if Jushiro's strategy had been enough.

"I suppose I should," Byakuya answered finally.

Around the table, jaws dropped. Shunsui laughed and Jushiro smiled. "Good choice. Captain Shihoin, bring a nobleman's drink for Captain Kuchiki as well."

Yoruichi left quietly, returning moments later with drinks in hand.

-o0o-

"Come on you guys, dance with me." Rangiku was feeling great, past tipsy but not quite drunk. Grabbing Orihime's hand she snatched the girl from her seat, dragging her onto the dance floor.

"Rangiku, noooooo!" Orihime squealed. Her blonde friend was too strong; she glanced down at Rukia's amused expression and grabbed her hand before she was out of reach. The adopted Kuchiki's eyes widened as she was yanked from the comfort of her seat.

"Orihime! Let me go." They were moving too fast. Rukia tried desperately to pry the surprisingly strong fingers from her wrist, but she was unable to get her footing. She fell, and for the hundredth time that night she cursed Yoruichi for making her wear a dress. At least the laughter, at her expense, was being drowned out by the deafeningly loud music.

Thankfully, it didn't take Orihime long to see what had happened. She immediately let go instead of continuing to drag her."Sorry, Rukia," the winsome maiden called back as they left her in their dust.

The tiny shinigami stayed in her new spot, face pressed to the floor. Her head rolled to the side and violet orbs landed on her brother. His expression was unreadable, which made her pretty sure that she would be dead by morning.

"You ok?" Black combat boots suddenly obstructed her view. Angry eyes looked down at her, but then again Kensei Muguruma rarely appeared anything but angry even though usually he wasn't.

"I'm fine," Rukia groaned, making no effort to pick herself up off the floor.

The Visored laughed, something the Kuchiki princess had never seen him do. _'I'm so glad I can bring joy into people's lives,'_ she thought bitterly. Suddenly the white-haired man leaned over, grabbed her by the waist and pulled her unceremoniously to her feet. She reached around to snatch at the back of her dress, lest her rear be exposed to the entire room… again.

"Thanks," Rukia mumbled, less than grateful as she smoothed her attire out as best she could.

"So, you enjoying yourself?"

The young shinigami looked up to see Kensei's retreating figure. She didn't know why, but she ran the few steps it took to close the space between them, falling in step with his laid-back stride as he walked to the bar.

Orihime stood nervously and absolutely still beside a gyrating Rangiku. It wasn't that she didn't like to dance. She did, but Rangiku was drawing way too much attention.

"Come on, Hime. Don't be a party pooper." Rangiku's words weren't slurred yet but Orihime was sure they would be soon. She looked over and watched Rukia who'd just been picked up off the floor. Her conscience had bothered her about that at first, Rukia looked so pretty and she'd dragged her around like a suitcase. Orihime smiled. Everything seemed fine now though. She'd have to thank Kensei later.

"Oh, Isane! Momo!" Rangiku stopped her dirty dancing to call her fellow lieutenants over. Momo smiled and walked right up, catching Isane's arm as she tried to flee.

"I don't dance," Isane frowned.

Momo giggled. "You know if you keep frowning you're going to get wrinkles. That's what Rangiku says anyway." The taller officer's frown only deepened.

-o0o-

Starrk downed his fourth miniature cup of tea, as did the rest of the group. Somehow Ukitake had gotten Byakuya and Ulquiorra to take an extra one to catch up to the rest of the group. The more he drank, the better it tasted and the sleepier he got.

"Another?"

Starrk looked up into bloodshot grey eyes. Kisuke smiled lazily at him. The former Primera's attention moved slowly from the scientist to rest on the figure standing behind him. No one else seemed to notice. Was he hallucinating? There was no way to be sure and for some reason he couldn't bring himself to actually care if he was. The mirage stared back at him and smiled.

"I'm done." He finally answered, pushing his cup away and conceding defeat.

"So soon?" Shunsui asked. "The night is young."

Starrk's eyes moved from the eighth division captain's back to the smiling figure still hovering over Kisuke, and then to his empty teacup. "What kind of tea did you say this was?"

"Uhh, green?" Kisuke answered cautiously.

Starrk looked into the scientist's grey eyes. He was lying. Knowing Kisuke, he was doing some kind of sick experiment on everyone. He tried to ignore the ghost as it waved at him amiably. It was hard to do. He wanted to talk to it.

"Is something wrong?" Shunsui whispered to his troubled friend.

The former Espada leaned heavily on the captain and Shunsui bent down a little to hear. "I think Kisuke gave us a date rape drug."

Kyoraku's eyes widened. "You think he plans to violate us?"

The Arrancar thought for a moment. It was clear that something had been in the tea. He may not drink as much as Shunsui, but he consumed enough sake' to know that what he was feeling was not the effect of alcohol. And it had been Kisuke's idea for everyone to wear skirts, or togas as he called them. "It's possible," he finally answered. "Tell me. Do you see that… person… standing behind Kisuke?"

"Huh?" The roguish captain turned curiously. What he saw made him raise an eyebrow. "I think I'm done too," he announced before pushing his drink away as well.

"I told you," Starrk whispered.

Now that they had established that there was indeed a ghost in the room with them, the question was, what to do about it.

-o0o-

Mashiro skipped up as Rangiku spun an uninspired Isane around her body. She then bumped her with her hip, sending the towering lieutenant crashing into Momo who giggled uncontrollably. This was the most fun she'd allowed herself to have in a while. Leaning over, the tiny brunette wrapped her lips around the straw that came from the fruity drink Orihime was holding and finished it off.

"We need another one," Orihime giggled. Momo nodded enthusiastically.

"I'm going to sit down," Isane declared, turning to leave the merry group of girls.

"Oh no, you don't." Rangiku threw her arm around the much taller woman's shoulder. "Where's Grimmjow?" Isane's face blanched.

"He's over there. I'll go get him." Mashiro turned on her heels, but was nearly snatched out of her shoes by the fourth squad lieutenant.

"Do you want to die?" The uncharacteristically threatening look in Isane's eye was enough to make the lively leprechaun shrink away.

"Nope," she answered wide-eyed. Then, just like that, Mashiro was shaking her booty to the music again.

The two and a half drinks Isane downed earlier, which had left her feeling tipsy and relaxed, were only a memory now. Her anxiety had come back full force. All of a sudden another drink didn't sound half-bad, or maybe some of that tea Nemu brought over. It tasted funny, but it had calmed her down, at least momentarily.

"Hey, Orihime." The girl looked over her shoulder at Isane. "You mind bringing me one too?"

"Sure," she smiled then turned and bounced away.

"Wait, isn't she going the wrong direction?" Isane asked no one in particular.

"Huh?" The society's president turned curiously. Orihime was headed towards the table with all the toga-wearing hotties. Rangiku's eyes roamed appreciatively over the group − Starrk, Kenpachi, Jushiro, Shunsui, Kisuke, and…

"Gin?"

Then suddenly the room went dark… and quiet.

**-o0o-**

**Part 2 to come soon…very soon. I promise!**


	10. Thriving in Social Situations Part 2

**And the fuckery continues…**

Ichimaru turned upon hearing his name screamed. He immediately recognized the voice as belonging to Rangiku. The room went dark. For a time, everything was very quiet.

"You're behind me aren't you?" Kisuke whispered.

"Yup."

Urahara swallowed as Gin cautiously navigated his way around the table, taking a seat next to Ulquiorra. The silver-haired fox either didn't notice the reaction his presence invoked or more likely, didn't care.

"How'd you get out?" Yoruichi asked aloud, apparently unconcerned that a vicious criminal was now sitting somewhere off to her left.

"Kisuke," the convict answered.

Everyone turned their heads in the general direction of where they last remembered seeing the scientist. He shrugged off their palpable accusations. "He makes good brownies."

"I make tha best brownies," Gin affirmed. "Here, sniff." The fugitive held up the container he was holding that no one could really see and cracked the lid. A magnificent aroma wafted over their nostrils, heightened by the all-consuming blackness. For some reason it made them all absolutely ravenous.

"When the lights come back on, fill me up again." Starrk's voice came from the opposite side of the table. Then, almost as if on cue, the room was flooded with red light.

"Me too," Shunsui added holding out his cup and doing a cursory glance around the room.

"Oh? I thought you two were finished for the night," Kisuke teased, even as he refreshed their glasses.

Starrk yawned. "Well that's when I thought you were going to rape us, but now that I know you're not…"

The shop owner smiled amiably. "You don't know that."

"I've clearly missed something," Shinji mumbled.

Starrk snorted. "Funny."

"Guess I'll get a drink too," their uninvited guest announced as he set his home-baked goodies on the table. "I need ta make memories enough ta last me the next decade. Or at least till the next time Kisuke breaks me out." Leaning over to peek into Ulquiorra's cup he asked, "Whatcha drinkin', Little Miss Sunshine?"

The green-eyed bat demon regarded his former commander with what could have been disdain, but you could never really tell with Ulquiorra. "A drink called Jack Daniels and a tea that Captain Urahara prepared."

"Oh? And what kinda tea is that?"

"Green," the Arrancar answered curtly, making Gin smile.

"Green?" The brownie baker cracked an eye open. A rare sight.

Byakuya's lieutenant didn't respond, but Gin didn't really need him too. Turning to stare at the back of Kisuke's head, he couldn't help the low chuckle that escaped. That man really was a sneaky bastard. Only he would be bold enough…or crazy enough to feed marijuana tea to a bunch of superpowered men in a room full of half-naked hookers.

"Well, these go with the tea." He offered up the brownies just as Love's voice sounded over the speakers.

-o0o-

Lisa watched as Rangiku practically flew over to a man that looked suspiciously like Gin Ichimaru and tackled him. Momo and Isane stepped over to the bar with Nemu. Mashiro bounced over to an irritated-looking Kensei, and Orihime moseyed over to sit beside Rangiku with the toga clan.

"Yo, I need everyone off the floor. We've got a little entertainment prepared for the birthday girl."

That was Lisa's cue. She sighed, removing her glasses and placing them on the DJ table. The sexy librarian then snagged a chair and began dragging it out to the center of the floor.

"Mmm-mm-mmm." Love teased. Lisa smiled nervously as she placed the chair in front of the two poles. Seemingly out of nowhere, Kukaku strutted up and plopped down in the seat, drink in hand.

"You owe me big for this," the Visored told Shiba, with slitted eyes. Kukaku just grinned, as she watched the barely dressed lieutenant sashay to the pole.

The moment the spotlight hit her, Lisa's heart jumped to her throat. Even though she could hear the excited whispers of her fellow society members and the confused, albeit pleased, murmurs of the men, she couldn't see worth a damn without her glasses.

There was a moment of deafening silence, or maybe it was just that her heartbeat was drowning everything else out. Then the song started with a lone high-pitched tone. Lisa closed her eyes as the one note turned into two. Grabbing the pole she let her head fall back, her unbound hair grazing her bare shoulders. She'd barely moved at all, but the black leather hot pants were already riding up her butt. Maybe she should have gone with the G-string like Nemu and Sui-Feng.

By the time an English woman's voice started singing Lisa had already begun her climb to the ceiling. Being shoeless helped a lot. If it compromised her sex appeal, as Yoruichi had insisted it would, that was just too bad.

In the beginning, she was self-conscious, and admittedly a little stiff. Pretending to be an exotic dancer in front of people you had to see every day was nerve-wracking. Lisa imagined the faces of everyone in the room. Were they disgusted? Horrified? Turned on? She hooked one of her legs around the pole and released both hands, letting her body fall back. Her other leg rested on her forehead in an impressive display of flexibility. There were a few catcalls which she assumed came from Yoruichi and Rangiku. It helped her relax. She slid down the polished brass with the skill of a professional dancer.

When she finally reached the bottom, she quickly swung her body back up and dropped to the floor in a split. Her limbs were beginning to loosen up along with any inhibitions. The shots Kukaku had forced on her when she was getting dressed had started to work their magic. She glanced back at Kukaku, who was grinning like an idiot, and shot her a wink. The fireworks master winked back.

The bass dropped and Lisa wound her hips and gyrated like she never had before. Her arms moved on their own to the infectious beat. Then, she was back up the pole and spinning. First, with both hands, then with one. She wrapped her legs around and let her body fall back, spine bowed almost to the point of breaking. Her eyes closed, she was in the zone. Things she never thought she could do, or maybe just never considered doing, she did. Lisa pushed her body to the limit, stretching and bending it in ways she had never tried.

Unable to help herself, she glanced to Kukaku again and almost lost her grip upon finding someone standing almost directly in front of the pole. The performer squinted a little before her eyes went wide with recognition. _ 'Starrk!'_

He stood there like an Adonis, his face serious and his eyes locked on her. Lisa's whole body heated up. She gracefully jumped from the pole, but continued moving her hips as her eyes momentarily locked with his. She felt like grinning, but that would ruin the performance. Lifting her hand slowly to her face she summoned her hollow mask, just as the singer declared that she was "going in for the kill".

The swirl of Lisa's reiatsu blew chocolate strands across the former Primera's face. He didn't so much as blink. She spun gracefully and sauntered back to the pole, painfully aware of the Arrancar's eyes on her. Her face was now hidden from the audience, except for the brief glimpse of eyes through the crosshatch slits. She could see them, but they couldn't see her. For some reason this reverse-ostrich-defense turned her on even more. The rest of the routine passed in a blur. When it ended there was no applause, and Lisa wasn't sure if it was because she'd sucked or they were too dumbfounded to remember the small courtesy. Her mask dissolved as she stood in the dim red light in front of quite possibly the sexiest man on any planet. Her body slick with sweat, she regrettably could find nothing clever to say and settled for, "Enjoy?"

He nodded. "Let's get a drink."

Lisa really didn't need any more to drink, but she figured sacrificing her liver for Starrk was a pretty good trade-off. "Let me just change my clothes."

"I'd rather you didn't." And just like that it was settled. Lisa would walk around for the rest of the night barefoot in her leather boy shorts and bra, and practically blind. And she wouldn't have it any other way.

-o0o-

The spotlight reappeared on the second pole, and there stood Sui-Feng.

"Holy shit." Love's amplified voice came over the speakers. That was the only introduction she'd get. On a couch across the room, Ichigo, Kira, Shuhei, and Renji's eyes almost bugged out of their heads.

She wasn't immediately recognizable, but it was definitely her. The petite captain wore black leather like Lisa, but the outfit was decidedly more risqué: a monokini that left little to the imagination with a plunging neckline that stopped well below her breasts and a strip of fabric that ran down the center of her stomach. Instead of material covering her navel and nipples, laces crisscrossed them like a corset and tied neatly at the top of her abdomen. The back boasted a lone strap across her ribs and a G-sting bottom. On her feet were platform knee boots.

"Whaaaat the fuuuuuck?" Renji whispered.

"Is that a whip hanging from her mouth?" Shuhei gaped.

It was. The Onmitsukido commander had on a spiked collar, black leather wrist bands and a whip hanging from her mouth for later use. Kukaku stood, picked up her chair, and moved as close as she could without putting herself in danger of being kicked. Sui-Feng was pissed and hammered. It showed. Her eyes were narrowed and her lips were set in a straight line. Humiliating herself in front of her peers was not her idea of a good time. Then, to top things off, Yoruichi had slapped that poor excuse for a costume on her.

Kukaku thought she looked great.

The music started suddenly. A heavy foot stomp and guitar vibrated the tables and Sui-Feng stomped along. Her stormy grey eyes rested on Kukaku's green.

"Who strips to Marilyn Manson?" Shuhei thought aloud as he recognized the tune.

Sui-Feng reached her hand behind her head to grab the pole and slid down landing in a straddle split.

"This is scary," Ichigo piped up, unable to tear his gaze away from the woman who, any other time, was a major boner killer.

With her back on the pole, she finally removed the handle of the whip from her mouth. There was a loud crack and the whip wrapped itself around the top of the shaft. Quickly swinging her legs around and standing, she proceeded to climb the whip as it spun around the brass column. It was really an amazing sight. Once at the top, the second squad captain put on the most brilliant display of acrobatics anyone in the room had ever seen. Her small size worked to her benefit.

"Am I wrong for being turned on by this?" Kira managed to momentarily look away from the show being put on and turned to his closest friend. Shuhei didn't answer, he couldn't. Who knew the biggest bitch in the Soul Society could move like that.

She was spinning by one leg now. The whip was taut between her hands, her back arched at a seemingly impossible angle. She dropped the prop to the ground, grabbing the pole with her now free hands, and flipped down with practiced ease. Hazy grey eyes regarded the woman seated in front of her. The hate radiating from Sui-Feng was almost a palpable thing. Kukaku loved it.

The petite captain reached down with a lethal sort of grace and retrieved her whip. Shiba leaned forward, placing an elbow on her knee and chin on her fist. If Kukaku had any sense at all she would have backed the hell up. Sui-Feng was less than stable on a good day, but she was feeling adventurous. Predatory hunger lurked beneath the cloudy grey orbs as the assassin stalked forward and placed the handle of her whip under the birthday girl's chin.

Sui-Feng winked mischievously, a warning that Kukaku either ignored or didn't recognize, before jumping back up the pole almost too fast to see. There was a loud crack. The only person in the room who realized what was happening was Kukaku, albeit late. Shiba leaned to the side to avoid being struck. She was too slow. Her cheek stung, then bled.

Kukaku's grin widened. _'Bitch,'_ she mouthed, pressing a finger to the laceration.

Ikkaku shook his head from atop the table directly behind Ichigo and the others. "That's one crazy bitch."

"What the fuck is going on?" Ichigo asked, not really expecting an answer.

"My dick hurts," Renji all but whined. "What the hell kind of party is this?"

"A kick ass one." Grimmjow answered. "I think I'm ready for that lapdance," he said as an afterthought, looking around for Isane. He spotted her standing in front of the bar beside the little, crazy Aizen stalker-girl.

There was another crack of the whip. Kukaku had been hit again. "That bitch is a piece of work," the aqua-haired arrancar announced, standing and reaching to the ceiling in a bone-popping stretch.

Beside him, Yumichika had a gleam in his eyes that Grimmjow only ever saw when the man was really enjoying a fight or looking in the mirror. "Beautiful," the peacock mumbled almost reverently.

"You're a twisted fuck." Grimm grinned at him and pushed Ikkaku off the table, making the man bicycle his arms in an attempt to keep his balance, before turning on his heels and making a beeline toward Isane. He glanced back over his shoulder. Sui-Feng was laying on Kukaku's lap and her legs were draped over the woman's shoulders. "I knew she was a fucking beaver eater."

He easily snuck up on Isane. She was so engrossed in the performance that she didn't notice him until he was snaking his arm around her waist, but by then it was too late. Surprisingly, despite her look of disgust, the scrumptious looking introvert didn't pull away from the blue-haired Arrancar's touch.

"Is this what was supposed to happen? She's taking it a little far don't you think." Momo turned to her leggy friend. "Oh, hi Grimmjow," she smiled.

Isane glared at the little traitor while her attacker only grinned. "So you ready to give up that lapdance?"

"Whaaa…" the busty beanpole paled. She tried to run, but the former Espada pulled her even closer.

Momo snapped her head around. "Huh?" Isane's forehead creased. "Did you hear that?" the little lieutenant asked her silver-haired friend.

Isane's forehead creased. "Hear what?" she questioned, attempting to pry the panther's claws from her waist.

"There it was again." Momo tilted her head to listen harder. "I think Captain Unohana's calling me."

"I don't hear anything," Isane started, but the raven-haired lieutenant dashed off, leaving her alone with the touchy feely Arrancar.

"Momo!" she called out after her friend as her eyes landed on her captain who sat across the room laughing with Captain Ukitake and the rest of the Romans. Isane's eye twitched in irritation.

-o0o-

The spotlight was cut again and Sui-feng disappeared. Kukaku sat in her chair with a half-amused, half-mortified expression. Blood trickled from her cheek and arm. _'I think I've created a monster,'_ she thought to herself. The dancer only had a couple shots as far as she knew, but it was no secret that Yoruichi's stalker could hold her liquor about as good as she could hold a cloud. There was a very large possibility that Sui-Feng wouldn't even remember what she'd just done. Still, Kukaku supposed it had been entertaining, if nothing else.

Love's voice came over the speakers once again. "Uhh, so yeah. Right. Okay then."

Kukaku laughed. That little psycho had probably fucked up the minds of every man in the room. Hell she'd fucked up _her_ head. The spotlights came back on, bringing Kukaku out of her reverie, this time one on each pole. It was Nemu's turn. Kukaku didn't know what the twelfth division lieutenant had in mind, but it was sure to be impressive. Nemu had displayed outrageous skill at pretty much everything they'd done in the class. The best had definitely been saved for last.

Nemu strolled calmly past Kukaku, stopping to stand between the two poles. Shiba backed her chair up to where it had been before Sui-Feng's dancing assault. The performer moved forward and mechanically placed a kiss on the birthday girl's lips, then backed away.

With a single move, Nemu promptly rid herself of everything she was wearing except her G-string and clear 'stripper pumps'. There was a collective gasp with a couple of squeals thrown in. Kukaku laughed. This party had just taken a turn for the awesome! The shoes made Nemu's perfectly sculpted legs even more defined. For the first time everyone was able to see, and actually appreciate, Mayuri's madness. Nemu was beautiful. Perfect in every way.

Then, the music started.

-o0o-

"That's what the fuck I'm talking about," Grimmjow yelled out like the hoodlum he was.

Isane couldn't believe what she was seeing. Nemu was dancing topless. In front of Captains! Had she lost her mind? And the song…provocative wasn't the word. It was slow and vulgar…sung by a woman all but moaning about being licked every which way.

"Come on." Grimmjow yanked Isane by the waist and led her back over to his previous spot with Yumichika and Ikkaku. The two warriors didn't even acknowledge them as Grimmjow plopped down on the pillows, pulling her into his lap.

"This," Yumichika commented upon noticing the odd couple, "is almost as surprising as that." His eyes were then drawn like perverted magnets to rest on Nemu. Isane's doe-like gaze pleaded with the fifth seat for help that he couldn't bother himself to offer. He smiled sympathetically. "You complement each other," he assured her. She didn't seem convinced. "Don't you think so Ichigo? Renji?"

"Huh?" Ichigo's head turned, but his eyes stayed locked on the sexy twelfth division lieutenant for a moment longer. He jumped back with a start when he saw the very curious scene.

"Aren't they just adorable?" Yumichika smirked. Renji, Shuhei, and Kira finally turned to join the conversation.

Isane buried her face in her palms while Grimmjow laughed. He pulled the amazon closer possessively, pressing his growing erection against her. The red lights amplified her blush.

If Renji wasn't sure he was in the twilight zone before, he was now. He turned away, choosing not to comment on the pair before him, instead opting to savor Nemu's boobs. He watched as she moved her hips like an experienced belly dancer, graceful and seductive. For the next several, slow-moving minutes every man and even some of the women, wanted her. She climbed the pole, not bothering to use her legs, slowly undulating up it like a python hugging a tree. Nemu then spun and gyrated until Renji thought his cock would explode.

The naked nymph flipped upside down, gripping the pole with her thighs and slid, face first, to the floor. Reaching out to catch herself, she crawled out from the pole, letting her legs fall into a split. Kukaku leaned forward in her seat, wishing she had some money. She'd have emptied her pockets.

Nemu's green eyes locked with the birthday girls', and she smirked. It was so faint that Kukaku wasn't sure she'd actually seen it. Then the dancer stood, swaying her hips back and forth, entrancing everyone in the room as she reached between her legs to tough herself.

The bleeding birthday girl's jaw dropped. Nemu jumped halfway up the pole, grasping it with one hand and swinging herself harder than a helicopter blade. There was a collective gasp as Nemu released the pole and propelled herself the twelve or so feet across the room. The second pole shook as she grabbed hold and her body whipped around it. It was a wonder she didn't yank her arm from the socket. The men all screaming their adulation.

"Fuck!"

"Did she just go through her own legs? Is that even possible?"

"Holy shit!"

"I think I just came."

"Did you fuckin' see that shit?"

"I got eyes, fool."

"I tortured someone once by makin' em do that. Never thought I could get off on it more'n I already…SHIT!"

"GOD BLESS YOU, MAYURI KUROTSUCHI, YOU GLORIOUS, GLORIOUS MADMAN!"

In a far, dark corner of the room, a stylishly dressed blue-haired scientist smiled sadistically as he jotted down some notes on his pad.

Isane tried her hardest to ignore the comments present company were making about her friend. Initially, she'd tried to defend her, but that was hard to do when at present Nemu was doing tricks with her tongue that Isane didn't even know were humanly possible. She heard Shinji yell out something about that "being his move".

With a defeated sigh, Isane let her head fall back onto Grimmjow's shoulder. She just wanted this night to be over.

-o0o-

All Kukaku could do was shake her head as Nemu sashayed back to the bar, not even bothering to put her clothes back on. For the first time since the entertainment started, she looked back over her shoulder. Starrk had moved to an empty table, not far from the rest of his group. His head lay comfortably in Lisa's lap. Shiba's eyes narrowed. How dare he attempt to sleep during her party! Ignoring the slight sting from the wounds Sui-Feng had inflicted, she got to her feet with the intention of ruining his little snooze, but something much more tempting caught her eye…Isane sitting in Grimmjow's lap.

With Starrk and Lisa forgotten, she made her way over to the unlikely couple. She grinned at Ikkaku who was still perched on top of the table, unable to keep the video of him and Lisa from running through her mind.

"Hey Ichi," she ruffled the lieutenant's orange hair as she passed, earning a scowl from the boy.

Isane rolled her eyes with a huff as Kukaku winked at her. "I see you finally decided to have some fun." Grimmjow grinned and gave Isane's thigh a hearty smack. Her head whirled around with a start and her face reddened.

"This is some party," Shuhei called over his shoulder to the woman who was, at that moment, plopping down into Yumichika's lap. "Do you think…?" Whatever he had been about to say warped into some kind of choked gasp that the others shared upon viewing their sitting arrangement. Even Grimmjow cocked an eyebrow.

For his part, the eleventh division's fifth seat appeared very _business-as-usual_ about the whole thing. He calmly wrapped an arm around the raven-haired woman's waist while intently studying the nails of his other hand.

"What's happening?" Renji whispered.

"Dude, ain't you gay?" Grimmjow shot.

"Don't beat around the bush, Grimm. Say what's on your mind," Ichigo deadpanned. His sarcasm was completely lost on its target.

"No." Ayasegawa and Kukaku answered in unison.

"What's happening?" Renji asked again, his mind unable to generate anything else for his mouth to say.

"So you decided to give it up after all?" Kukaku leaned forward and grinned at Isane's mortification.

"You're really not gay?" Kira asked, still not buying it.

"What's happen-"

"Let it go." Yumichika didn't bother to look up as he cut off the idiotic redhead.

A high pitched scream drew the group's attention away from the weirdness of the objectionable coupling just as Rangiku landed on the four couch occupant's laps with a perfect dive, pinning Shuhei's arms beneath her, while the other three's hands shot up in the air.

"Heyyyyy," Rangiku drawled. The foursome regarded the curvy lieutenant warily. "Gin's here." she informed them. "Isn't it great? What a birthday present."

"He is not." Kira craned his neck to quickly scan the room in search of his former captain. He didn't see him. "You're drunk," he surmised.

"And you're dumb," she slurred making Izuru frown. "This is so much fun." The blue-eyed temptress wiggled on the boys' laps making them all smile nervously. "I need another drink," she said, digging her elbows into Shuhei's groin as she flipped herself over to lie on her back. He winced but did not protest the movement.

"Happy Birthday, Kukaku," Rangiku sang off key, patting her foot on the arm of the couch. "Oh, did you guys try Kisuke's tea? And Gin brought brownies. They're sooo good." She closed her eyes, remembering the chocolatey goodness. Then, suddenly she froze. Her eyes opened slowly and grew thoughtful.

"Kaku!" The blonde unexpectedly jumped to her knees, perfectly straddling Ichigo's waist, his head wedged between her large breasts. "Let's dance!"

Matsumoto frowned upon seeing that Kukaku wasn't paying her any mind. Instead, the birthday girl was engaging in what seemed to be a very intimate conversation with her chair. "Awww," Ran whined. "Are you about to have class?"

The shinigami at her sides glanced over their shoulders in confusion. A hint of a smile spread across Yumichika's face. He wondered how many people Shiba told.

"Class?" Kira repeated looking for clarification. He was ignored, as was Rangiku.

She bounced up and down in a poor excuse for a tantrum willing Kukaku to acknowledge her.

"Rangiku!" Ichigo shouted, pushing the woman back and freeing himself from her breasts. He paused a moment to catch his breath. She eyed him quizzically. "If you don't sit still, we're going to have a big problem."

"Dude, chill." Renji nudged his friend. "She's drunk," he tried to explained.

The orange-haired boy ignored the tattooed man at his side, his russet eyes boring into Matsumoto's hazy blue. She held his intense gaze. The others looked on silently. Rangiku was the first to move, bringing a slender finger to her pouty lips and leaning in a little closer to the young shinigami.

"How big of a problem are we talkin'?" she asked just above a whisper.

Ichigo, in turn, closed a little more of the distance between them. "Real big," he answered before a devilish grin spread across his face.

Rangiku grinned right back, her eyes narrowing mischievously. "Lemme see."

"You're talking about your dick aren't you?" Shuhei sighed.

"You're such a perv−"

The words were barely out of Renji's mouth before Rangiku was tackled off Ichigo's lap and onto the floor by a flying Neliel.

Rangiku moaned as the Arrancar's bone mask dug uncomfortably into her neck. "Nel!" The blonde flailed about in an exaggerated manner until her attacker finally rolled off her. "Nel, you ruined it." she whined.

"No I didn't," Neliel quickly responded, not having a clue what she was denying. "What did I ruin?"

Ran got to her feet and brushed the nonexistent dust from her clothes. "Ichigo was about to show me his penis." Nel's jaw dropped, along with everyone in earshot.

"I was not," Ichigo cried.

His denial was disregarded. Nel's eyes widened with excitement. "For real? I wanna see too!" At her declaration Rangiku grabbed the former Espada by the arm just as she tried to take her place on Ichigo's lap. The Arrancar yelped indignantly and swung an arm back, smashing her assailant with one hand, which Rangiku promptly bit. Back on the floor they went, kicking and scratching.

"Rip her clothes," Grimmjow cheered. He had jumped to his feet as soon as the commotion had started, along with Kukaku and Ikkaku, who was standing on the table. Naturally in the process he unceremoniously dumped Isane on the floor. She smacked his leg, telling herself that she wasn't jealous. She just didn't want him objectifying women. He didn't even seem to notice.

Nel escaped Rangiku's grasp just long enough to grab the bottom of Ichigo's jeans. When she was pulled again by the hysterical blonde the pants almost came with her.

"Nel, what the hell?" Ichigo grabbed the top of his pants and desperately tried to hold them up.

Completely unconcerned with Rangiku's relentless assault, Nel yelled for assistance. "Somebody! Help me! Doesn't anyone want to see Ichigo's penis?"

-o0o-

"Did you hear that?" Uryu sat comfortably in the corner of the couch, leg propped up. The archer watched, mildly intrigued, as half the women in the room stampeded across the room towards where he thought he'd last seen Ichigo. Chad shook his head absently, slowly swirling the liquid in his cup.

A now topless Nemu had been passing out small cups of the same mysterious green liquid she'd pushed on them earlier. It had taken a heroic amount of willpower to refrain from asking if she could squeeze out some milk to go with the steaming brew. According to her, Captain Kyoraku commanded that everyone drink it. The boys had reluctantly complied the first time around, but now…

"You think it's poison?" Chad questioned. "It made me feel weird the first time."

Uryu had considered that same thing when he'd felt the mild effects of the 'tea'. While there was no doubt in his, or anyone else's, mind that Urahara was nuts, he didn't think he was crazy enough to attempt a mass killing at a birthday party. At least he hoped not.

"Hey guys, you mind if I sit here?" A breathless Mashiro didn't wait for an answer. The bubbly Visored squeezed between the two boys, knocking Uryu's leg down. "I'm sooo tired…and hot," the girl huffed. The two watched silently as she lifted her shirt and folded it over her chest, exposing her glistening stomach. "I'm wet!" she whined, making Uryu lift an eyebrow.

"It is warm," Chad agreed.

"What was all that commotion?" Uryu questioned her, nodding in the direction the stampede had headed. From the look of her mangled lime hair she'd been in some kind of scuffle.

Bringing a finger to her pouty lips Mashiro's eyes shot upward, searching for the answer. "Oh, Ichigo was gonna show us his penis," she said a little too casually. "But then he changed his mind." Uryu's eyes widened almost comically, but he quickly regained his composure.

"Say what?" Chad actually turned, giving the girl his undivided attention.

Mashiro nodded sadly. "Yea. He changed his mind at the last minute. Maybe he got nervous or something." Her disappointment was obvious. "I want something cold. Don't you?" She jumped to her knees to face the larger boy, apparently over her frustration with Ichigo's change of heart. "I can have Nemu make daiquiris…or frozen margaritas."

"That sounds good," Chad agreed.

The brightly colored bubble-head stood, and for a moment both boys thought she would be leaving for her frozen drink, but instead she plopped on the floor, leaning back on her hands and kicking her legs up onto the couch. "Did you like the dances? Crazy right?" She scrunched her face up in a way that, if Uryu was someone else, he might have thought was cute. "I mean, I was really surprised, especially by Sui-Feng." The girl cautiously looked over both shoulders before turning back to the boys and leaning in a little. "I mean, she's kind of a bitch," she whispered almost too soft to be heard over the music.

Uryu tried his hardest to ignore the usually idiotic girl, but he had to admit he'd been more than stunned. Not just by Captain Sui-Feng, but by all three of them. Even Chad hadn't been able to turn away. "I wonder," he finally spoke up. "What could have made her consent to do such a thing? As you said, she is rather…"

"A bitch," Mashiro offered.

Uryu cleared his throat. "Uptight."

"And a bitch?" Mashiro was unyielding. She kicked her feet playfully on the couch cushions. "Well Yoruichi got her to do it as a birthday present for Kukaku." The boys nodded in understanding. If Yoruichi asked Sui-Feng to jump off a bridge, it was very likely that the tiny captain's response would be, "Is a backward two and a half summersaults with two and a half twists in the piked position ok?"

"Where are the rest of your friends?" Uryu questioned, moving to a topic he felt was safe.

"What friends?"

"Hachi, and the others," Chad offered.

Mashiro's face contorted in disgust. "Hachi? Nobody wants to have sex with Hachi."

The archer's confusion was obvious. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I wish I could just take my clothes off," the girl groaned completely ignoring the bespectacled boy. "It's so hot."

"You can if you want to," Chad shrugged. Uryu's head snapped to his friend. "Nemu did," his friend stated matter-of-factly.

The green-haired girl seemed to mull that over for a moment before she decided he was right. She jumped to her feet and quickly snatched her smiley face shirt off, throwing it at Chad's chest. The boys shyly eyed her lime-green bra with little pink hearts.

"I'm free!" She yelled above the pulsing music. "Whooooooo!" The girl ran off toward the bar leaving the boys with her practically dripping shirt.

-o0o-

Rangiku gracefully staggered over to the table, two drinks of clear liquid in hand and a mischievous twinkle in her eye. Her face wrinkled as she entered the dense cloud of smoke that hovered above the group. A pipe that she immediately recognized as being Kukaku's was being passed around. No one acknowledged her presence, as they were deep in conversation, but that was just fine by her, she was on a covert mission.

"It's long…too long. I don't see how he manages it," commented Kisuke.

"Years of practice I suppose." Shunsui stroked his beard, not really sure how the conversation about the Head Captain's wizard-like whiskers had gotten started.

"You _wish_ yours was that long," Yoruichi teased her friend.

"Are you talking about Captain Kyoraku's penis again?" Rangiku questioned, unable to hold in her curiosity and consequently, blowing her cover.

"Oh shit," Gin and Kukaku mumbled concurrently, as everyone turned to face the drunken booze queen. Byakuya and Ulquiorra, obviously feeling the effects of the six or more cups of tea, actually smirked.

The music faded into the background as Yoruichi's heart beat in her ears. She noticed offhandedly that under the lights Rangiku's blonde locks appeared a flaming red…like her head was on fire. Right now, she dearly wished it was. Her eyes moved in a panicked dance from person to person. Kukaku's mocking smirk is what snapped her out of her destructive thought process.

Rangiku, for her part, realized her gaffe almost immediately after making it. If the utterly shocked looks she received weren't a clear indicator then the ghostly complexion Yoruichi's skin had taken on was. Her first was reaction was to apologize, but the impulse was almost immediately erased by the sudden urge to laugh, and she did just that.

With the awkward silence now broken, Shunsui grinned, almost pulling of a look of modesty. Kenpachi, who'd appeared to be rather bored for most of the evening, laughed in earnest after seeing Starrk slowly sneak a hand up in the air for Shunsui to slap.

"Behave you three," Unohana shot a stern look at Kenpachi, Starrk and Shunsui, trying desperately not to laugh herself. She then turned to the bewildered bombshell standing with a half amused, half apologetic smile on her face. "Not this time Lieutenant Matsumoto," she said, finally answering the question that Rangiku had long figured out the answer to. "Is there something you wanted?"

"Oh, yea. I mean no." Rangiku giggled nervously. Yoruichi's murderous glare was making her uneasy. She was definitely going to kill her later. Ran shifted on her feet looking down into the glasses she forgot she was holding, suddenly remembering what she'd come over for in the first place. She giggled again looking down at Kisuke's head. He looked funny with red hair. Then, with a quick glance in Kukaku's direction, she dumped the contents of her cups into the scientist's lap.

Kisuke let out a yelp, almost jumping from his seat. "Oh my gosh! I am soooo sorry." Rangiku promptly knelt down and began brushing the liquid from Kisuke's toga as if it were crumbs.

The scientist laughed uneasily. "It's fine. It's fine." He tried to grab her hand, but the girl was determined. "It was just water right?" he asked, snatching a pillow from under him and putting it in his lap, once Rangiku's touch became more of a grope.

"That was definitely on purpose," Starrk noted.

"Don't get whatever that was all over my pillows Kisuke!" Yoruichi complained as she got to her feet, somewhat grateful for the sudden shift of focus. "Come on I'll give you something to change into."

Her best friend grinned. "No it's fine. It'll dry."

The woman of the house put a tiny hand on her hip. "So you're just gonna sit there and stay wet?"

Rangiku shrugged. "I do it all the time. It's not a big deal." Kukaku cackled loudly slapping a grinning Shinji on the back. Yoruichi ignored the lewd comment and stared at her grey-eyed friend. His smile grew goofier by the minute.

"What do you have on under there?" she asked suspiciously.

"Nothing." He answered simply.

At his declaration, Kukaku abruptly jumped to her feet, knocking the table and making everyone scramble to steady their drinks. "Rangiku!" she exclaimed. "You're a genius."

Rangiku grinned. "I know. But for the sake of those who aren't, what are we talking about?"

Shiba looked around the table, letting her eyes rest on each man seated there. "Yo, hit the lights. I need to be able to see."

Yoruichi sighed. "For what?"

The birthday girl grinned, before shouting at the top of her lungs. "WET TOGA CONTEST!"

-o0o-

"I don't want to do this." Starrk glanced about, wondering absently where the spotlights had come from. Buckets of water lined the right side of the flower bed. Every person with a cock had been herded outside like cattle, and lined up in the middle of the garden. Even Ulquiorra and Kuchiki were in line. Of course, Byakuya had vehemently refused. Initially. But after speaking with the smiling Unohana for no more than a minute or two, both the noble and his pale-faced lieutenant had glided their haughty asses right in line with everyone else. _'That Captain sure is persuasive,'_ he thought to himself.

Those without togas were given white sheets, of which Yoruichi apparently had an endless supply. Shinji and Shunsui were also forced to change. "We won't be able to see through that." Shiba had declared.

"Is this really fair?" Nanao asked, pulling her glasses to the edge of her nose and casting a measuring look at Toshiro Hitsugaya. The small tenth division captain stood beside a hulking Kenpachi. "He's so little," she commented thoughtfully.

Toshiro's eyes narrowed in rage, stepping out of line to give the bespectacled lieutenant a piece of his mind.

"Captain Hitsugaya." The voice was small and the tone, warm. Toshiro froze as the demonic fourth squad captain gave him a little shake of her head. "Would you please refrain from stepping out of formation?"

He nodded in terror, then quickly stepped back in line.

"It's not a question of fair," Lisa explained. "This is purely for our pleasure."

"I'm not a piece of meat," Ichigo complained.

"You're absolutely right," Kukaku agreed. "But you all _have_ meat. Beautiful dangling sausages between your legs, and I want to see them. Can you really blame me?" The glint in her eye was that of a madwoman. Ichigo and Renji took a cautious step back. "But, for now I'll be content to watch you prance around like show horses. Do a trick or two. Prove your worth. Your only purpose in life is to please me." She grinned at the flabbergasted faces. "It's my birthday bitches!" She raised her hands triumphantly in the air and her followers applauded approvingly.

"She's fucking crazy, I want to go home," Ichigo whispered to his redheaded neighbor.

"Ok, everyone grab a bucket." Rangiku gyrated to the beat of the music that still pumped inside the house. The ladies cheerfully complied.

"We may need a hose," Unohana noted as she appraised the line of men.

"Well, we'll find out in a minute." Rangiku hefted two buckets and took the spot in front of Uryu, Renji and Ichigo. She gave the boys a wink just as Kukaku yelled for everyone to ready their buckets.

"Get set," Shiba grinned.

Uryu stared down at his less than fashionable outfit. Its only redeeming quality being that it was white. He hadn't had time for even a quick alteration. To his side he saw the genuine panic rising within Ichigo. The archer reached up to remove his glasses right as Kukaku yelled. "Now!"

The sound of water splashing was followed by gasps and cries and curses. Yoruichi had seen to it that the water was as cold as it could be.

"It's not enough!" Rangiku shouted. "Bring in the hose!" Lisa, who'd been on standby, immediately stepped up.

The Visored raised her hand. "In position." That was Nanao's cue. The lieutenant cut the water on with a small satisfied smirk. Yells and more curses rose above the laughter of the women.

"My hair," Yumichicka cried as he raised his hands to shield his head.

"This is bullshit." Grimmjow all but growled.

Seconds later, it was over. Isane eyed a now dripping wet Izuru and Rose and mouthed her apologies, being sure her eyes didn't stray down.

"Awww!" Rangiku's voice rang out. "They have on underwear. I can't see the good stuff."

"I can." Orihime stood unmoving, bucket dangling from her dainty hand. Before her was a slightly shivering Ukitake, an indifferent Shunsui, and a casually whistling Kisuke. She watched wide-eyed as the scientist reached up and ran his fingers through his hair, removing the pale blond locks that were plastered to his face. With her peripheral vision, she saw Starrk bend slightly forward and shake, not just his head, but every inch of his body. Like a dog.

"Alright everyone," Kukaku announced. "Drawers off!" A chorus of protests followed the demand. "And don't go look at Kisuke," she snapped at a creeping Rangiku.

"Dammit!" the blonde stomped at being caught. "Why don't you pay more attention to what you're doing, and less to what _I'm_ doing."

"If you were doing what you were _supposed_ to be doing, I would."

"I hate you," the voluptuous vixen pouted, but moved back to her spot in front of Ichigo and the Quincy.

"Drawers off," Mashiro sang, before doing a happy little wiggle.

Kaku glared expectantly at the row of drenched men, none of which made an effort to follow her instructions. "We can wait here all night," she told them with a smirk. "But just know, the longer you make us wait, the worse this will be."

"Resistance is futile," Mashiro declared.

Her statement was true, but no one moved a muscle until the gentle-natured fourth squad captain coaxed them with a small taste of her oppressive reiatsu. "Please comply," she asked simply. It was barely enough to harm an ant really, but it proved to be enough.

The women watched hungrily as the men were forced to discard the only thing shielding them from the appraising eyes of the sexually depraved mob. The party was now a full blown freeballing festival.

Shiba grinned. She really was beginning to love Retsu. "Wet them down one more time for good measure." Lisa nodded and seconds later the poor souls were being doused with water again.

"Holy hell," Rukia whispered to herself. She wanted to cover her eyes. This was wrong on so many different levels. To her left Isane blushed furiously. At the end of the line Orihime and Momo squealed. Nanao turned her back unable to handle the abundance of man meat.

"Whooooooohoooo!" Rangiku and Yoruichi slapped high fives.

"This is so fucked up," Grimmjow snarled as their dripping underwear was collected and their names written on the tags like children.

"Hey!" Ichigo yelled as he watched Nel retreat into the house carrying the assortment of undergarments. "Where the hell do you think you're taking those?" Nel spun around cautiously, not wanting to drop any of her precious cargo. They would be great keepsakes. Maybe they could auction them off to the highest bidder.

"Don't worry about what she's doing. You worry about your little soldier there," Kukaku smiled, her eyes moving down to rest on the boy's crotch. Ichigo's face reddened.

"I got your little," he spat.

"You tell her Ichigo!" Kisuke encouraged from the other end of the line.

The boy scowled, but amusement danced in his eyes. "You shut up, freak!"

Once Nel returned, Kukaku plopped down in the grass. The rest of the women followed her lead. "Let's start from this end." She pointed to Kensei, who scowled. Then, turning to her underlings, her expression became serious. "And I don't want to see any of you turning away, or acting like little bubble-headed virgins." Her eyes moved from Nanao, to Rukia and lastly Isane. The girls frowned. "Chill," Shiba ordered. "They're just dicks. They won't hurt you," she grinned. "Not from over there anyway."

The group nodded, then steeled themselves for what was to come.

"Can we at least have drinks?" Isane asked. "Maybe some more of that tea." A topless Nemu was up before Kukaku could respond. Damn, that girl was efficient.

"Alright Kensei," Yoruichi grinned. "Show us what you got." She then turned in the direction their bartender had gone. "Nemu, cue the music up while you're in there! Oh, and set up the camera." she yelled as an afterthought.

"Camera?" Toshiro's voice boomed.

Kukaku grinned. "Hell yea! I need footage of this."

-o0o-

"What the hell am I supposed to do?" Kensei stood in front of the gawking ladies, scowl firmly in place. Surprisingly, he didn't seem too concerned about being so exposed in front of such a large group, but with that huge 69 on his chest Kukaku supposed he probably wouldn't be.

Shiba shrugged. "Amuse me." She reached out to grab the glass that was being handed to her by Nemu. "But I gotta say, you're starting off pretty good." Her eyes traced every inch of his body, only coming to a stop once they reached his groin. "Nice and thick," she commented with an approving nod, ignoring the slap she received from Yoruichi. Kensei rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"Kill me now," Ichigo whined.

Just before the Visored leaned down to pull his zanpakuto from his boot, Kukaku jumped to her knees, leaning forward on her hands. "Is that a piercing?" she screeched. Her eyes narrowed, straining to activate her dormant x-ray vision. Those damn sheets were too thick.

Kensei stood and spun the blade around his finger. "Hey," he snapped. "Eyes up here." The wakizashi pointed to his angular face. Kukaku's gaze lingered on the drenched white sheet that clung to his manhood and what looked like a silver ball, a moment longer before finally looking up.

"Is that a piercing?" she asked again.

"I'll show you later," he answered seriously, leaving Kukaku to wonder if that was really what she wanted. "Now stand up," Kensei demanded. The group on the ground exchanged wary glances.

"Me," Kukaku pressed her glass to her chest, finally starting to feel the effects of all the drinks she'd had.

Kensei shrugged. "You, whoever…it doesn't matter." Mashiro jumped to her feet, but her former captain stopped her before she could volunteer.

"You go Kaku. It's your birthday." Yoruichi nudged her friend, who surprisingly passed the job on to a more than willing Rangiku. The rather modestly dressed sex symbol jumped to her feet enthusiastically.

"Will you show me later too?" She grinned at Kensei who was really starting to get irritated.

"No," he answered flipping the blade in his hand. "Now stand over there and don't move." His assistant frowned, but did as she was told. Moving to stand in the middle of the garden she faced the tattooed man. "Alright," he said, and then he was gone. She squealed, but only because the movement was too fast for her impaired vision. Not a second later, he reappeared behind her.

Rangiku cracked an eye open. She wasn't bleeding and she felt fine.

"Boooo Kensei, that trick sucked." Mashiro jumped to her knees giving the white-haired performer two thumbs down.

A surprised yelp from Ran took all the attention away from the green-haired Visored as her shirt fell to the ground in shreds. She turned to Kensei, who was just sheathing his blade. "Impressive blade work" she complimented, not at all phased by the fact that she was now topless.

"Cute bra," Yoruichi offhandedly pointed out. Throwing her hands behind her head, Matsumoto struck her best bombshell pose.

"It was pretty good," Kukaku finally acknowledged. Kensei shrugged indifferently before taking his place at the back of the line. Turning to face the rest of the women, Kukaku asked them, "So what did you guys think?

"It was alright I guess," Lisa shrugged. "His package impressed me more than the performance." A few of the ladies nodded in agreement. "I say a seven out of ten."

"Is that cool with everyone?" Kukaku asked. Most of the women nodded, but a few still stared blankly at the line of Roman beefcakes. "Seven it is then. Next!" she yelled out, bobbing her head to the music.

When it came time for Uryu, Byakuya, and Ulquiorra's respective turns they simply stood there, refusing to even acknowledge the group of women eyeing them hungrily. Despite this, both Captain Kuchiki and his lieutenant received nines, and Uryu a seven. Apparently glaring was sexy. Yumichika, on the other hand, didn't glare. He gracefully flung his hair over his shoulder, before telling the group that they should feel privileged that he was allowing them to admire his beauty in such a way. His surprising size partnered with his less than rousing performance earned him a seven.

It didn't really get interesting until it was Rose's turn. He stepped forward and calmly requested one of the buckets be filled with water, which Lisa promptly did. The lanky blonde Visored then lifted the bucked above his head, dumping the contents on himself. Dramatically discarding the bucket, he shook his luxurious locks.

The group sat silently in the grass, stunned. Rose had a body like Byakuya, toned from decades of training, but not overly muscular. Rukia couldn't help but think of her and Orihime's escapade in Captain Kurotsuchi's bathroom. What was it about being wet that made a man five times more appealing? Suddenly, there was an outbreak of applause and whistles.

"Nine!" Orihime shouted. A few others nodded dumbly in concurrence.

"What?" Renji jumped from the line. "That," the redhead pointed cynically at his competition, "Gets a nine?" Before anyone could answer, Renji had grabbed a bucked of his own and filled it with water. "Watch this."

The tattooed captain snatched out the tie that held his hair in its signature pineapple letting crimson locks fall down his back and around his face. "I got your 'nine'." he said, pointing to Orihime. The loud splash was followed by a second of silence that turned into gasps and squeals. Renji's toga, which already hung dangerously low on his tattooed waist, loosened under the weight of the added water.

"It's amazing," Isane whispered, unconsciously sitting forward. With his hair in that stupid ponytail, Renji was cute enough, but with his hair down…

"TEN," Nel shrieked, jumping to her feet and practically trampling a few of her comrades to get a closer look.

"Definitely a ten," Orihime seconded, wide-eyed.

Rukia observed her friend with confusion. When had the young girl become so enthusiastic about things that didn't directly relate to Ichigo?

Orihime turned to her friend who was already staring at her with an unreadable expression. "Rukia, do you see this?" She pointed to the now flexing Renji. "I can't believe you would keep something like this from me." Her eyes had the nerve to be sad. "I thought we were friends."

Rukia's mouth opened, then closed, then opened again. "Huh?" was all she managed to get out before Grimmjow jumped from the line, officially starting the pose off. Within seconds Ikkaku, Shuhei, Kira, and Ichigo had broken formation as well, each of them striking poses to best show off their perfectly sculpted bodies. It was pandemonium. Every woman jumped from the ground to either cheer for or gawk at their favorite.

The order that Unohana had worked so hard to maintain fell apart in an instant. Toga clad men and screaming women were everywhere. Most were gawking at Renji and hadn't even noticed that those who weren't participating in the who-has-the-best-delts-contest, were quietly slipping out of line and heading towards the house.

"I win," Renji announced arrogantly. "The hair gets em' every time."

"Fuck that," Grimmjow snarled, posturing to show his chiseled abs.

"Hey, Kaku." Rangiku inched towards Kukaku who stood not too far away from the Mr. Soul Society contest. "Let's do body shots." Her grin was devious.

"What about the contest? We didn't pick a winner." The one-armed woman couldn't help but be a little disappointed. While she had gotten a chance to ogle every single last goodie that had been before her, she wanted to see their shitty performances. That was half the fun.

The two turned just in time to see Renji swing his hair over his shoulder and out of his face, splashing those close with water. "Renji wins," Rangiku and Kukaku announced in unison, ignoring the protests from Grimmjow and Ikkaku. The lady of the evening shrugged. "Shock value," she explained.

Kisuke's voice rose above the noise. "How could someone as sexy as me not win?" The shit-eating grin should have been an indication that the scientist was up to something, but no one noticed amidst the chaos until Rangiku's high-pitched scream tipped them off. This in turn started a chain reaction. Women began dropping like flies as if being picked off by an unseen assailant. Yoruichi and Unohana could do nothing, but watch in confusion as their "sisters" fell one by one with either an idiotic grin or white-faced horror.

Through the insanity Yoruichi spotted the cause. In the middle of the yard stood her best and oldest friend Kisuke Urahara, bare as the day he was born. The pose-off had been halted abruptly. All conversations stopped. Nobody moved. The scientist ran his fingers through his damp hair, his patented goofy smile was strangely absent.

"I win," he announced to all who managed to remain conscious in the presence of his particular brand of charm.

"How'sat?" Gin questioned with his ever present smirk. "Ya can't win a toga contest if ya ain't wearin' a toga. That ain't how it works."

The silly grin finally made its appearance. "Shock value," Kisuke answered.

-o0o-

It was official Isane was drunk, or at least she thought she was. She remained lucid enough to know what was going on around her, but she felt great. Too great. She wasn't stumbling around like Sui-Feng, but the second squad captain could get drunk off of one beer. She was a featherweight, as Kukaku called her. Nemu had kept a cup, either of some form of alcohol or Kisuke's tea, in her and everyone else's hand at all times. It was honestly the first time she'd knowingly allowed herself to indulge so much. She finally understood the hype.

For the first time that night Isane was calm, really calm…even with Grimmjow hanging all over her. It was disconcerting, but she found that she really didn't mind the loudmouth brute that much. He was nice to look at, and she found that it was fairly easy to tune him out most of the time. Just nod and smile.

"Yo, Legs." Kukaku strolled up. Her eyes were low and red. Isane turned slowly, completely expecting to be harassed or insulted again.

"Got a minute?" Shiba absently eyed Grimmjow whose arm was comfortably slung over the lieutenant's shoulder. The former Espada was having a very animated conversation with Ikkaku about the debatable outcome of the wet toga contest, and therefore barely noticed when Isane stood and followed the birthday girl.

Rangiku and Yoruichi stood in front of the bar whispering suspiciously. Isane hesitated, eyes darting around nervously. "If you three are plotting on me again, I'm leaving." she declared, surprising herself. Kukaku turned around and smirked.

"Finally showing some balls?" Isane didn't answer, just moved past the one-armed woman and continued toward the bar. "Good." Kukaku's smirk grew into an all-out grin as she followed the skyscraper that was Isane.

"So legs, you having fun?" Yoruichi's golden-eyes were glazed just like Kukaku's.

Isane shrugged. "I suppose."

The shape-shifter laughed. "You and Grimmjow seem to be getting along nicely."

Isane couldn't help but roll her eyes. So what if it was true. Kukaku ignored the look that bordered on hate as she strolled up and threw an arm around the young'un's shoulders. "Did you actually want anything?" the beautiful giant asked, uncharacteristically curt.

"We just wanted to invite you to take some shots with us," Rangiku said defensively.

The silver-haired lieutenant looked to each of them disbelievingly. That couldn't be _all_ they wanted. And even if it was, she didn't want or need to take any shots. One more drink would probably send her over the edge, plummeting her into a drunken abyss. "No thank you," she finally answered, turning on her heel.

"Awwwww," Rangiku whined poking her lips out in the way that usually reduced men to mush. "Come on Isane. Pleeeeeeeease." She tried to ignore the whimpering blonde, but apparently that lethal pout didn't only work on men. To Isane's displeasure, it was working on her as well.

The healer rolled her eyes before sighing, "Fine, but just one."

"Two," Yoruichi bargained. Isane's eyes narrowed. "Come on, you're not even that drunk."

"How do you know how drunk _I_ am?"

"That's drunk." Kukaku pointed across the room to Sui-Feng who was, unbeknownst to Gin, Ulquiorra and Byakuya, under their table.

"She must be trying to look under Gin's skirt," Rangiku surmised.

"No less than two," Yoruichi repeated to the towering woman.

Isane's gaze moved to each of her tormentors. They were eagerly awaiting her answer. If she said no, would she regret it later? Most likely. Perhaps it would save her a lot of heartache to just give in to their pressuring. She sighed, reluctantly giving in and making three very happy drunks.

"Okay." Ran jumped up onto the bar and crossed her legs seductively. "Who do you want to take one with?"

"Huh?" Isane questioned. "Aren't we all doing it?"

"Yea, but we're doing it with a partner," Rangiku giggled at the implication.

'_This is a trick,'_ Isane thought as Nemu placed four shot glasses on the bar beside the busty lush. Although the twelfth squad lieutenant had been topless for half the night by this point, Isane couldn't help the blood that rushed to her face. She wished her friend would put a shirt on, for all their sakes.

"I'll do it with you," Ran offered after the blushing woman didn't respond. She hopped down and patted the bar with her hand, motioning for Isane to sit.

The bashful lieutenant began to back away cautiously. "Why do I have to get up there?"

Rangiku hopped down and grabbed the girl's arms before she could successfully flee. Isane's flailing unknowingly drew attention to her situation. Despite having almost a foot of height on Yoruichi, the older and stronger shinigami stepped in and hauled her onto the bar with ease. A bowl of sliced oranges and a container of sugar were placed at Isane's side.

"Nemu," Isane whispered to her friend, her voice trembling. "What's going on?"

"Body shots."

Before the grey-eyed medic could question what a body shot was she was startled by the sudden feeling of freedom. The two pieces of fabric that she thought had been tied securely behind her neck, were now falling down her bosom. She noted, with growing horror that she should have done a preemptive double knot. Quickly lifting her hand to her bosom, she caught the falling garment before she was exposed further. Matsumoto was grinning.

"Wha…what are you doing?" Isane stammered. Every attempt she made to jump down from the bar was blocked. They were going to strip her naked and bring Grimmjow over to sexually humiliate her, she just knew it. Everyone would look on in disgust and she would be forever labeled a fornicating trollop…a brazen hussy. He would pummel her without mercy, her boobs flapping embarrassingly, while flexing his perfect biceps and grinning maniacally. Kukaku would tape it and sell it all over Soul Society, maybe even the human world. Isane wouldn't even get any royalties!

"Shut up and lay down." Yoruichi's brown hand reached in pushing the terrified girl back as Ran pulled her legs up and on the bar.

"NO!" Isane screeched, craning her neck to see if anyone was coming to help. They weren't. She doubted they could even hear her over the pumping music and the dim red lights concealed the assault from the other partygoers.

"Oh, for fucks sake," Kukaku huffed unable to take anymore. "We're not trying to rape you."

"Yes you are." That's when the tears started to stream.

Rangiku jumped onto the bar, straddling her victim. "Uhhhh, you guys. She's crying."

"What the hell, Isane?" Yoruichi resisted the urge to shake the young shinigami. "Why are you crying?" Isane wiped her eyes embarrassed, but the tears kept falling. "Why are you crying," Yoruichi asked again. "Nobody's hurting you are they?"

Isane shook her head.

"So why are you crying?"

"I don't know," she whimpered humiliated. It was true. She had no idea what was wrong with her. Just moments before, she'd been comfortably existing in Grimmjow's presence, and now she was blubbering like an idiot…in front of Kukaku. She was overreacting and she knew it. Was she really that uptight? A prude? If so that put her in direct violation of the society's bylaws. That meant Yoruichi would torture her. She let out a whimper and tried to prepare herself for what, she had no doubt, was coming.

"Ahhh!" The teary eyed lieutenant squeaked when she felt her jumper being pulled down even further, exposing her stomach. Her eyes widened comically when she felt something warm between her breasts. Grey orbs darted from Yoruichi to Ran, who was now sprinkling sugar, in her cleavage.

"Hold this in your mouth." The blonde held an orange slice up to Isane's lips, which she parted unthinkingly. "Okay, you ready."

Isane couldn't think, so she stared dumbly at her fellow lieutenant. One of the shots was poured into her navel. Then, with a quick wink, Rangiku's head dipped between her friends breasts. She skillfully licked up every grain of sugar, smiling when the woman beneath her shivered. Shooting Yoruichi a devilish grin, the blonde slid down and dipped her tongue into Isane's bellybutton. The teary-eyed woman tensed as the sound of Rangiku slurping up the liquid filled her ears. It was over quickly. The only thing left, Isane suspected, was for the orange slice to be taken. The shirtless siren lifted her head, took a deep breath and then smashed her face into Isane's stomach, blowing hard.

"Ahhhh!" Isane screamed, letting her orange slice fall to the floor. She reached down to grab a handful of Ran's hair and pulled.

"Oww! Hold her arms!" Yoruichi jumped to help.

"No. No. Please-AAAaha-ha-ha-ha-ha-hahhhhh!" Isane laughed so hard she began to cough. She bucked against Yoruichi's hold. "Stoooooop!" she screeched. "I can't breathe."

The music lowered. "Attention partiers," Love's voice came through the speakers. Everyone froze to give their attention to the afro wearing Visored. "For those of you who are interested, there is girl-on-girl action happening on the bar. I repeat. There is girl-on-girl action happening on the bar." There was a pause. "This has been a public service announcement."

"WHAT!" Isane wailed as the music was turned up to its previous level. Rangiku shrugged as every head in the room turned to her straddling the innocent young healer, before leaning down and blowing again.

Mashiro and Nel ran over just as the silver-haired woman on the bar gave one last desperate effort to escape, sending her and Rangiku crashing to the floor behind the bar.

"You guys suck." Nel pouted. "You're doing cool stuff without us."

"Where's your shirt?" Yoruichi questioned giving Mashiro the once over.

"Oh, I gave it to Chad."

"Well that was fun." The tenth division lieutenant popped up from behind the bar, her hair standing all over her head and her mouth glistening with saliva. Her body shot partner stood, face red from laughter.

"You're going to pay for that," Isane whispered, surprisingly not bothered by the fact that she was showing off her baby blue lace push-up.

The lime-haired Visored grinned. "Hey look we're triplets." She pointed to Rangiku, Isane, and then herself.

Nel nodded with happy understanding.

Ran jumped up onto the bar. "Who wants to do body shots?" she yelled above the music. Some were already moseying over, either following the commotion or coming to see if what Love said was true.

"Oh, no you don't," Isane interrupted. "It's my turn." Kukaku grinned at the girl's sudden boldness. "Now, lay down."

Rangiku grinned and obeyed, promptly lying down on the bar.

"Isane, let me help," Nel pleaded with a hopeful grin. "It'll be fun." When Isane nodded her response, the green-haired Arrancar literally jumped for joy. Not wasting any time she leaned in and licked a trail under the blonde's breast. Isane followed her lead from behind the bar.

"I'm so going next," Renji whispered to a slack-jawed Ichigo as the two walked up on the orgasm inducing scene.

"Nemu, pour when I say," Nel instructed as sugar was sprinkled onto the wet spots left on Ran's body. The braless bartender nodded. Isane placed an orange slice in the tenth squad lieutenant's cleavage and another in her mouth. "Okay, Isane. Ready?" The healer readied herself. "Pour Nemu!"

The raven-haired woman began pouring slowly as the girls at Rangiku's sides quickly licked up the sugar. Just as the liquid began streaming down her ribs they were there to lap it up. Rangiku squeezed her eyes closed and visibly tensed.

"This is fucking intense," Grimmjow grinned. After this was over he was definitely going to cash in on the lap dance he'd been promised. Before tonight he'd never even given the shy healer a second thought, but she'd opened his eyes. Not only did she have a nice ass rack, (that the Arrancar couldn't for the life of him understand why she hid) she was pretty cute. If you could ignore the fact that she was the size of Bigfoot. He watched Rangiku squirm as the two girls lapped at her sides. It was fucking hot. He blatantly reached inside his pants to readjust his growing manhood.

To his right, violet eyes watched him with disgust. Grimmjow smirked at the Kuchiki princess. "Wanna touch it?" he asked, crudely pointing to his raging hard on. Rukia's face contorted into a mask of flushed horror. The former Espada laughed hysterically until he heard Kukaku yell.

"Alright. Who's next?"

"Me!" Nel volunteered. "Somebody do me." More than a few eyebrows rose at her request.

"Why don't you go?" Orihime nudged Rukia, who'd joined her and Momo in her attempt to escape Grimmjow.

"Me?" Rukia gawked. There was no way in hell she was letting anyone lick anything off of her. She risked a glance over at her brother who was still seated at his table with his lieutenant. Of course they wouldn't participate in an act of such barbarism. Even if she were so inclined to become a human shot glass, she wouldn't dare do so in front of Byakuya.

A subtle movement under her brother's table caught her attention. Her eyes narrowed before widening as a hand reached out and touched Ulquiorra's back. _'Captain Sui-Feng?' _What the hell was she doing?

"Rukia wants to go too," a cheerful Orihime announced with a smile as Isane joined them, tying her jumper back behind her neck.

"Whaa…" Rukia gaped, her head snapping around, unable to even protest as she was passed through the crowd to the bar.

"It's not so bad," Isane reassured her. "Just pick someone you're comfortable with."

Again Rukia's eyes moved to her brother's table. Some people had looks that could kill, and some people had looks that were weapons of mass destruction. Her brother had the latter. She swallowed the lump that formed in her throat. "Orihime's going too," she shouted in an attempt at payback. If she had to suffer, so did Orihime.

To Rukia's dismay, the young human did not protest. She smiled brightly and practically skipped through the group.

"Me first," Nel grinned. She scanned the crowd for her victim. There were so many options. Her hazel eyes rested on Ichigo's russet. His innocence practically begging to be taken. At his side was Renji, his partner in crime. His long crimson locks lying haphazardly on his tattooed body. _'Ichigo, Renji. Renji, Ichigo,'_ she debated, reliving images of the redhead dumping the water on his head not an hour before.

"This year, Nel," Yoruichi snapped.

"Renji!" the bubbly lieutenant blurted with a start. She really did love tattoos.

Brown eyes widened in surprise. Ichigo laughed, slapping his friend on the back. "Go get em' tiger."

The crowd parted for the young captain as he dazedly made his way to a grinning Nel. Rukia and Orihime moved to the side giving the dumbstruck man some space. Rukia couldn't help but be amused. Nel wasted no time plopping down on the bar. She reached out for the sheepish-looking shinigami, pulling him between her thighs. He swallowed thickly when she reclined on her hands and let her head fall back. Her dangerously low cut dress showed off one of the most perfect set of breasts in any world as far as he was concerned.

"Put the sugar here," she slowly lifted her hand to point to her cleavage.

Yoruichi couldn't help the pride that welled up inside her. Her subordinate's mission with Byakuya had done wonders for the former Espada's skills. Glancing across the room at her former student's mask of indifference, she had to wonder if Nel had another reason for choosing Renji besides the tattoos and hair.

Aside from the music, the room had fallen deathly silent. Renji, following what he'd seen before, leaned in, slid his tongue between her breasts, and licked a path up to her throat. His cock felt like it was going to burst. Contrary to popular belief he was not inexperienced when it came to women. It had been a while, but he liked to think he knew what he was doing.

He scooped some sugar in his hand and sprinkled it on her chest, most of it disappearing into the abyss that was Nel's cleavage. Retrieving an orange slice from the bowl, he held it to the former Espada's pouty lips. She shook her head as she plucked the fruit from the tattooed man's fingers, hiked up her dress and wedged it between her thighs.

"Good spot." Gin commented. Nel smirked, even as she grabbed for the bottle Nemu was holding out. Her hazel eyes caught his dark brown and she shook her head. The boy looked like sin.

"Don't ever wear that ponytail again," she told him seriously. He shot her a glaring smirk. The same one he gave Ichigo when the kid would talk shit. She brought the bottle to her lips. "Go." Then she drank.

With a deep breath Renji braced his hands at her sides and leaned in, burying his face into the vixen's bosom. Despite the audience, he didn't rush, wanting to savor the moment. It wasn't likely he would ever get a chance to do this again. When he reached the bottom of her neck he began tracing her collarbone. He smirked when she shivered under him, and then her hand was bringing his face to hers. She placed her lips on his and easily coaxed his mouth open with her tongue. One hand moved to the back of her neck as she filtered the liquid into his mouth. He drank it down quick, but their lips remained locked, her tongue in his mouth.

"Whooooooooo!," Kukaku yelled teasingly. Nel, unable to hold back her smile, broke the kiss.

Renji backed away, making a note to rag on the fireworks expert about being a cock-blocking bitch. As he bent down to take the orange, all Nel could think about was snatching that damned toga off of him and dragging the young captain into one of the many free bedrooms in the Shihoin mansion.

As tempting as it was to dive between the beauty's legs and completely disregard the fruit, Renji behaved. He took the slice with his teeth and stood.

Gin cleared his throat, breaking the stunned silence. "Well, at least somebody's gettin' laid t'nite."

Nel grinned and leapt down from the bar, giving Renji a lingering look as she disappeared into the crowd.

**Alrighty then. So…as you can probably tell there will be a Part 3. This chapter has gotten completely out of control. I was a little disappointed with this part. It's not as funny as I want it to be, but I just had to remind myself that it's because Part 3 is when all the shit hits the fan. **

**A big thanks to Tomas the Betrayer and Mishiko Shinsei, the best beta's ever.**

**Thanks to everyone reading, reviewing, favoriting, alerting…all that good stuff. (I broke 100 reviews YAY!) Some of you guys are so funny, I wish we could all go out a drink together. GOOD TIMES!**

**Well, until next time.**


	11. Thriving in Social Situations Part 3

…**And the body shots continue.**

-o0o-

Rukia was up next. She didn't want anything remotely close to what had just happened to Nel. Honestly, she couldn't really think of anyone she felt comfortable enough with to let them put their tongue on her. Orihime, maybe. If push came to shove, Ichigo or Renji. Whoever she picked, they had to keep it respectable or tonight would be the last night of her life.

"Rukia picks Kensei," Orihime announced with a grin.

"No, I don't," the raven-haired virgin quickly denied. What the hell was Orihime thinking?

The young healer was taken aback. Here she was trying to do something nice for one of her best friends in the whole world, and this was the thanks she got.

"Well, who then?" Yoruichi asked, fully expecting the girl to name Ichigo.

Rukia's eyes moved frantically from face to face, with every intention of picking Orihime. Maybe Rangiku. Someone she felt comfortable with…at least a little. But Orhihime was acting strange…even more than usual. With a reluctant sigh, she spoke the name through clenched teeth. "Rangiku."

The blonde squealed and jumped to her feet, even as Yoruichi protested. "She already went."

"I can't help it if everyone wants to put their tongue on me." Rangiku wagged her eyebrows. The Goddess of Flash gave their Madam President a paralyzing glare that made the vixen turn on her heels, leaving Rukia to fend for herself.

Rukia was fucked…in the ass…with no lube. When Rangiku turned and walked away, she took with her the tiny shinigami's only hope to get through this with her dignity. Orihime tugged at the side of her dress, bringing the Kuchiki princess from her panicked thoughts. Her head snapped around. Orihime was grinning like an idiot. _'She must be drunk,'_ Rukia finally concluded.

"Come on," came a vaguely familiar voice from directly in front of her. "It won't be that bad."

Rukia turned slowly. Kensei Muguruma grinned vigorously down at his time victim in a way that left her missing Gin Ichimaru's company. The white-haired Visored lifted Rukia by the waist and deposited her on the bar. She could feel her ears turning warm, meaning that her face was probably about as red as Renji's hair.

"I'll make it quick," he reassured her. She smiled nervously, but her eyes were locked on her brother. As always, his expression was unreadable. Kensei knew Byakuya was probably staring a hole in the back of his head, but honestly he couldn't give a rat's ass. If her brother had a problem, he could meet him outside.

He placed a gloved hand on the petrified girl's shoulder in an attempt to calm her. It didn't work. She trembled under his touch. "Calm down," he told her, sounding half annoyed and half amused. The Visored leaned in to lick a trail on her collarbone, making sure not to linger. Her body shook violently. Had Kensei not been holding her he had no doubt she would have toppled off the bar. Gingerly sprinkling the sugar on the girl's neck, he ignored the fact that it fell down her dress, pass her nearly nonexistent chest, and straight to her thighs.

Using the orange slice, he coaxed her mouth open. Off to the side, the chesty, orange-haired human smiled brightly. She was clearly trying to play matchmaker, but for the life of him Kensei couldn't figure out why. Besides not being even remotely his type, the little Kuchiki was unquestionably not ready for what Kensei would bring to the table. Few were.

Nemu held out a bottle of vodka, which he shooed away. He hated white liquor. Grabbing up the Gentleman Jack, and daring anyone to say something about it, he quickly licked the white crystals from the little noble's neck, took a swig of the whiskey and bit away the orange. Fast, painless, and respectable. He wanted to make this as easy for her as he could.

It was over, and Rukia was still alive. She could hardly believe it. Kensei had licked her. Twice. It honestly hadn't felt that bad. Truthfully, it felt kind of nice. When she looked up, Kensei had disappeared into the obviously disappointed crowd.

"That was beyond lame," Mashiro commented.

"Whoooooo! Go Rukia!" someone yelled from the middle of the mob. The diminutive noble stood on her toes and was surprised to see none other than Isane cheering and clapping. She couldn't have stopped the smile that spread across her face if she tried.

"You're next." She nudged Orihime as she slipped off to join Isane.

The teenaged beauty smiled innocently, lacing her fingers behind her back. _'Here goes nothing,'_ she thought. "Umm." Her cheeks tinged an adorable pink. "Captain Kyoraku?"

"What?" Yoruichi blurted. Orihime's devastatingly large brown eyes and harmless expression made the captain's mouth snap shut. If felt like she was contemplating the murder of a baby seal.

Rukia smiled knowingly, finally understanding her friend's odd behavior earlier. Orihime was certainly coming out of her shell.

Shunsui, for his part, couldn't have been more surprised. Although he didn't know much about the young human girl, he'd been under the distinct impression that she harbored rather fierce feelings for their orange-haired hero. Something to think about later, perhaps. She was a tad young for his taste, but he couldn't very well decline her request. It was completely harmless after all.

The captain looked around for his sleepy Espada friend. When he didn't spot him immediately, he turned to his older, and decidedly more reserved comrade Jushiro. If he was going to do this, he might as well go all out.

"How bout it Ju?" he asked, patting the white-haired man on the back. Ukitake blinked disbelievingly, knowing exactly what his friend was asking.

"Shunsui," he whispered. "She's a child."

The sex god of Seireitei chuckled at his friend's practiced propriety. "Young, yes. But not a child," he corrected. Jushiro frowned, but didn't resist when Shunsui started pulling him to the bar.

Orihime ignored the murmurs and the stare of death that Yoruichi was giving her. The two ancient captains gave her a reassuring smile, although truthfully Jushiro looked like he needed someone to reassure him.

Shunsui placed a hand on the counter. "Hop up."

Orihime happily complied. Backing up to the bar, she braced herself with her hands and began to lift herself up. Her feet had barely left the ground when, to her surprise she found Ukitake's hands on her waist, lifting her the rest of the way to settle gently on the bar. His forehead was still slightly knitted, but Shunsui knew he'd go through with it. His friend wasn't half as innocent as he pretended to be.

The brawny captain paused for a moment and Jushiro knew he was deciding how he wanted to proceed. With his decision made, Shunsui spoke. "Bring me a chair." The request was for no one in particular, but seconds later one was being pressed to the back of his legs, compliments of Starrk. "Where were you?"

"Hiding," the man answered with a yawn before stalking off.

Shunsui sat, scooting himself between the girls legs, ignoring Yoruichi's obvious agitation. "Ju, get behind her would you?"

The sickly captain's expression was pleading, but Shunsui disregarded it. The thirteenth division captain moved slowly to the other side of the bar, stopping once he was directly behind the slightly trembling girl. To anyone else it might seem she was afraid, but Shunsui knew better. She was excited, nearly bursting with it. Oh, she was nervous, but not scared. Jushiro knew it too.

Still in his toga and looking all the more like a god for it, the lovable lush placed the girl's feet on his legs, resting his large hands on her dainty ankles. "Lean back." He told her.

She peeked over her shoulder skeptically.

"Captain Ukitake wouldn't let you fall."

Orhime knew he was right. If the white-haired captain was anything, he was a gentleman. She lay back and into Jushiro's arms.

The group watched with a baffled sort of awe. Even Byakuya and Ulquiorra seemed suddenly interested, giving Sui-Feng the chance to finally slip from under the table.

The two captains didn't speak again, falling into a practiced sort of rhythm, suggesting this wasn't the first time they'd done this. Jushiro leaned forward with apologetic eyes and trailed his tongue from the side of the young girl's neck to the top of her cleavage, while Shunsui licked a noticeably long path on the inside of one thigh, from her knee, all the way up to the bottom of her deliciously short shorts.

Orihime tried to sit still, but it was terribly hard. The torturous sensation of the captains' tongues on her in perfectly timed unison, made her shudder involuntarily. They ignored it, but she was still embarrassed. She watched as Rukia's captain picked up the bowl of sugar, sprinkled it on the damp area of her neck, then placed the bowl on her stomach for Captain Kyoraku's use.

Silently, Captain Ukitake turned, carefully holding the girl with one arm, and nabbed the kettle that held Kisuke's tea. He ignored the curious look he got from Nemu and snatched a cup as well. Not sure of how hot the tea was and not wanting to burn anyone, he poured some in the cup and tasted. Satisfied with the temperature, he lifted Orihime slightly and gave her a sip. The girls eyes widened in surprised, not because the white-haired captain planned to take a shot of tea, but because he clearly planned to take it from her mouth.

Every eye followed Ukitake's hand as it reached past her head, taking back the sugar, and then passing the bottle of Gentleman Jack to his friend between her legs. Jushiro gently tugged at the girl's shirt until it rose above her navel allowing Shunsui to pour a small amount inside. The whiskey was passed back behind her head and she quickly took the contents of the cup she'd been babysitting into her mouth. Captain Ukitake accepted the empty container and Orihime's heart jumped into her throat when she heard it hit the bar. It was time.

Jushiro passed Shunsui an orange slice, which he set aside for when he actually needed it. The men exchanged a quick glance before Shunsui's head disappeared between the girl's legs and Jushiro buried his face in her neck.

Orihime released a breath she didn't know she was holding. The men licked away slowly, painfully so. The trembling teen mewled and her face flushed. She squeezed her eyes tight, suddenly wanting to escape. Ukitake tilted her head to the side, giving himself better access and attempted to reassure her with a stroke of his thumb across her shoulder. She whined again.

The higher Shunsui got to the girls warmth, the more she squirmed. His large, calloused hands gently pulled her legs apart. She didn't fight it. When both men had finished, they repeated the step, making sure not a grain was left behind. Overkill? Perhaps. But they'd get no complaints from Orihime, and everyone else was too stunned for words.

Orihime was in unfamiliar territory. What was happening to her? What had possessed her to ask for Captain Kyoraku? The video with Yoruichi, that's what. Ever since she'd seen that life changing video, she hadn't been able to get the flamboyant captain out of her mind. She thought of him, or more specifically what was in his pants, all day, and dreamed of him at night. For the first time in years, the lovestruck youth had actually gone a whole day without thinking of Ichigo. But then Captain Ukitake was asked to join in. Never in her wildest dreams did Orihime think she'd get this lucky. Two for the price of one. It was like a sexy man BOGO. If there was one thing she loved, it was a good sale.

When Captain Kyoraku reached her shorts the first time he placed a quick kiss at the top of her thigh. She'd instantly moistened. Captain Ukitake's warm breath caressed her ear as he began his second pass. Her nipples hardened and she gripped the edge of the bar, making her knuckles go white.

On Shunsui's second pass he moved faster, but only slightly, giving her inner thigh a noticeably longer kiss when he reached the top, eliciting a more audible moan from the virgin. Before Orihime could even think to be humiliated Ukitake's mouth was on hers, his white locks forming a tunnel between their faces. He swept them back, and out of the way. Her eyes shot open and her back arched up into Shunsui's full lips that were now covering her navel. Jushiro practically had to force the girl's mouth open with his tongue.

Her body jerked again and she practically spit the liquid into the ancient captain's mouth. Jushiro held her shoulders as Shunsui applied gentle pressure to her thigh. She was losing control. Jushiro pulled away and Orihime had to resist the urge to pull the man back down for a real kiss. She shuddered again and began to panic as her whole body began to tingle. Painfully aware of the eyes on her she turned away, hiding behind a veil of orange.

"I have a raging hard on." All eyes turned to Kisuke. He shrugged. "I'm just saying."

Shunsui rested the girl's feet on the chair as he moved from between her legs, grabbing up the orange slice.

Though only a couple of minutes had passed since the beginning of this thoroughly entertaining show, it seemed like forever. Rangiku couldn't believe what she was seeing. Judging by her young friend's blissfully panicked expression, she was fairly positive Orihime had no clue what was happening, which made it all the more fascinating. Captain Ukitake, cradling the girl's head in one hand, squeezed the juice from the orange on their conquest's neck, as Captain Kyroku did the same on her stomach. Ran couldn't help but wonder how many times the two had done this before.

Orihime's whimpers were becoming hard to ignore. She squirmed relentlessly. Shunsui pressed down harder on her leg in an attempt to hold her still. The ancient captains' descended on her for the last time, lapping up the citrus juice from her flushed skin.

Inoue sucked in a breath through her teeth. Something was definitely happening. She clenched her legs shut. "Capt…nggg," she trailed off incoherently. Shunsui flicked his tongue in her navel, getting the last of the liquid and began to pull away. Jushiro was already standing. Orihime shuddered and a loud cry tore from her throat. Her hand shot out and grabbed a handful of wavy brown locks, smothering the drunkard's face into her stomach. Jushiro looked on silently as the girl rode out the wave of pleasure before falling limp in his arms.

"What's happened?" Nanao asked.

"She came," Lisa mumbled awestruck.

"That was even faster than Yoruichi," Urahara declared with awed respect.

Every set of eyes turned to the blond captain. His expression changed from one of amazement to one of, _oh, shit_. "I meant to think that."

-o0o-

Lord Kuchiki glared around the room, his glazed over slate grey eyes narrowed slightly. It had been quite a while since the last time he'd indulged this much, and was fairly certain he was no longer sober. Contrary to popular belief Byakuya never minded drinking, but he always made sure to stay well beneath his limit. Not being in control of himself had absolutely no appeal. He let out an irritated sigh. He'd been seeing double for a while now and it was hot, annoyingly so. Thankfully, he was still completely aware of the idiocy happening around him. A good sign.

Finishing off the last of his gentleman drink, he pushed the cup away. That would be it for him. Eyeing his cup of tea he groaned inwardly. He really didn't want to finish it. There was nothing wrong with it aside from the odd smell. It actually had an acceptable taste, but the demon cat's home was quite literally hotter than hell. Oddly, no one else seemed to be bothered by the extreme heat. Then again practically every woman there was dressed far too revealing for his taste. Not that he didn't appreciate some of the sights, because he did. But, he would definitely be having a little talk with Rukia, who had been trying to avoid him all night.

The nobleman reached up, unconsciously loosening his tie…the tie that Ulquiorra had tried to talk him out of wearing.

"I told you." His pale faced lieutenant spoke barely loud enough for him to hear. His boss cut his eyes at the former Espada who gave a small shrug.

In retrospect, perhaps a suit hadn't been the smartest choice. This was Kukaku Shiba's party after all. He might as well have worn a tuxedo to one of the eleventh division's get-togethers. Reaching out to finish up his tea he tried to ignore the sweat that tickled his back as it descended into his black slacks. He almost wished he would have kept on that ridiculous sheet.

The cloud of smoke that hovered above the table was beginning to thin, but he knew it wouldn't be long before they would replace it with another. Byakuya sipped the now lukewarm tea and set it back down. He calmly slipped off his tekkou, that to Ulquiorra's surprise hadn't looked at all odd with his very stylish suit, and placed them neatly on the table. Not too long after that, he was removing his tie and loosening the top two buttons of his shirt.

He finished up the last of his cold tea before catching the tail end of a conversation between Kisuke and Shinji.

"You look like a prostitute genie and I look sexy," Kisuke said matter-of-factly.

"I can live with bein' a genie." Shinji turned his smug grin on the birthday girl. "Want three wishes?" he asked with a wink.

Everyone, except Byakuya and his lieutenant, laughed heartily. "You just remember you said that," Kukaku choked out between cackles. They were all too preoccupied to notice the more than a little buzzed noble coolly reaching up to remove his kenseikan, placing it on top of the neatly stacked gloves and tie. His raven locks fell, perfectly framing his aristocratic face, before he quickly swept them up in a sloppy ponytail. The air on his neck felt heavenly.

Ulquiorra, who'd been discreetly eyeing his captain since he'd removed the first glove, leaned over to address him. "Captain. Art thou feeling _hot_ and tempting?" he whispered.

Byakuya did not deign to look at his subordinate. "Art thou feeling like having my foot up thine fucking ass?"

Ulquiorra's eyebrows skyrocketed. He hadn't been in Soul Society long, but he'd never at any time heard him swear. It seemed wrong for such foul language to come from the man's mouth. Captain Kuchiki was most definitely drunk. "You said fuck." Ulquiorra stated, thinking that perhaps his captain was unaware of what he'd said. He was met with serious, slightly glassy, grey orbs. Just when Ulquiorra thought that maybe his captain had indeed gone off the deep end, amusement crept into the noble's eyes.

Ulquiorra risked a smirk. "You would punish me for putting the wellbeing of my captain first?" His deep green eyes twinkled with amusement. "You're a cruel man Lord Kuchiki…and vulgar."

Neither of them noticed that practically every woman in the room's attention had turned to the luscious and completely oblivious noble.

"Kuchiki's stealing all the attention," Shunsui observed once it became clear that Yoruichi, Kukaku and even Retsu wouldn't notice if he stripped naked right then and there. "My hair is better than his."

"Let's kick his ass," Shinji muttered to Kisuke. "You hold him down and I'll beat his face in. He won't be so pretty then.

Kisuke genuinely seemed to think it over. "I might be wrong, but I don't think that would be the best way to win the girls' affection."

Kyoraku nodded. "I agree."

"Besides," Kisuke continued. "I'm not in the mood for fighting."

Shinji raised an eyebrow. Urahara was not a fighter, of this fact he was well aware, but this had the potential to be more fun than anything they'd done in…well ever. _'Jumping Byakuya.'_ He almost laughed out loud just thinking about it. "Why the hell not?" the Visored finally asked.

"I have a skirt on," the scientist whispered seriously.

-o0o-

Gin silently, and he hoped inconspicuously, moved across the room to the DJ table. The dance floor was full and there wasn't a soul in the room who wasn't under the influence of something. After the body shots, the Shihoin manor had transformed into a full blown house of sin. Kisuke's mysterious tea had been the topic of most conversations, which had allowed Gin's brownies to fly under the radar. The deception had proved to be worth their time if only to see Byakuya's growing confusion at his own behavior.

Speaking of whom, that uptight noble's carefully maintained reputation was being destroyed in one night. He almost seemed…normal. Even now, the raven-haired captain sat, face stoic, as a beyond drunk Nel hung from his neck. Curious? Very. Of course Nel always did just as she pleased so it wasn't odd that she was risking her life for such a coveted thing as touching the almighty Kuchiki. What was strange though, was that she hadn't been killed within a nanosecond of doing so. Even stranger, His Lordship seemed completely unaware of the eye-popping scene he was helping create.

"What's up with that?" Kira questioned sipping a suspicious mix made by Rangiku.

"You think he hit it?" Hisagi Shuhei responded, nudging a frowning Renji. The scar faced man nodded in the direction of the redhead's former captain.

Renji stared at the busty Arrancar, who not an hour before had been all over him, and grunted. He'd known his captain was once married, but he'd never actually seen him with a woman. It was a strange sight. Creepy. Still, no matter what he saw, there was no way Byakuya was banging a former Espada, sexy as she may be. "No way in hell," he finally answered.

"He had to," Ichigo chimed in drunkenly. "Look at em'. That's practically porflay"

"Porflay?" Kira questioned with a small smirk. "How about _foreplay_?" They'd made Ichigo a permanent part of their drinking group a few months earlier. He was a lightweight, but once he was drunk you wouldn't find a better source of entertainment.

Ichigo scowled. "You know what the hell I meant."

"He didn't hit it," Shuhei shook his head skeptically, even as he narrowed his eyes to inspect the scene further.

"He definitely hit it," Kira nodded.

Abarai stared across the room. Captain Kuchiki absolutely did _not_ engage in sexual activity. "No," he shook his head. "He's just drunk, like everybody else."

"I'm gonna ask him," Ichigo slurred getting to his feet and swaying just a bit. "I..I'm going to ask him if hitage has occurred."

"Hitage?" Renji's tattooed forehead crinkled.

"Hitage definitely occurred," Kira assured him.

Renji refused to believe it. "It didn't."

"It might have," Shuhei conceded.

Gin, who'd been watching the group of drunken youngsters debate about Byakuya's sexual status with great amusement, took this time to join in on the conversation. "I agree wit' the strawberry. Ya should definitely ask 'im." The group whirled around to regard the grinning convict.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea." Kira's wisdom was ignored.

Ichigo stood on wobbly legs. "I'm going." He pointed across the room in case there was any confusion as to where he was headed.

"I'll go with ya," Gin smiled, completely abandoning his previous mission to the DJ table. There was no way he was going to miss this.

"He'll kill you," Renji raised a finger warningly, then stopped to inspect his upraised digit. Was that really his finger? It looked so weird. Why had he never noticed before?

"That's where you're wrong Captain Fucker." Ichigo shot Renji a mischievous grin over his shoulder as Gin came up beside him. "He won't kill me because I didn't eat yet."

"Uh…what?" Renji looked to his friend, but he and Gin were already moving across the floor, Gin with a graceful glide and Ichigo weaving back and forth like an idiot. Oh well, there were more important matters desiring his attention. He was still trying to determine if that really was his own finger. The fact that it seemed connected to his hand did nothing to reassure him. He drew it in for a closer look, only to be shocked by how fast it rushed at his face and quickly flung it back. Wow, look at that thing move!

"Hey," Ishida strolled over. He cocked his head in the retreating lieutenant's direction. "What's up?"

The three seated men stared anxiously across the room. Kira spoke up first, but didn't dare turn his eyes away from Ichigo's back. "Kurosaki is going to ask Captain Kuchiki if hitage has occurred."

"Hitage?" Ishida raised a brow.

"Hitage," Shuhei confirmed.

"I say no." Renji told him. "But these two say yes."

"I said it was a possibility." Hisagi blindly retrieved his drink from the table.

Uryu eyed the sides of the men's faces blankly. What the hell were they talking about? And why was Renji poking himself repeatedly in the face?

"I mean Nel is hot and all, but this is Byakuya we're talking about," the tattooed captain explained while continuing his inexplicable activity..

The Quincy's eyes widened in disbelief. "Are you telling me that he's going to ask Captain Kuchiki if he is having _sexual relations_ with Lieutenant Odelschwanck?"

Kira nodded.

"Yup," Hisagi confirmed.

"He'll kill him." Uryu's voiced shot up an octave.

The redhead grinned. "Yup."

Uryu stared across the room to Gin and Ichigo who were just arriving at the noble's table. He ought to run and stop him. Prevent the massacre that was sure to follow. Kurosaki was a blithering idiot, but he didn't wish him dead. After all they were friends…if you squinted. This was going to be bad. A grin spread across the bespectacled man's face. "Sounds interesting."

The archer took a seat next to Kira, pushing his glasses up on his face and waving Nemu over. This was going to be good.

-o0o-

"So?" Lisa asked.

"So, what?" Isane stared up at the half naked woman who was glistening with sweat. She'd finally been able to procure a moment for herself since everyone was either dancing or fawning over the group of toga wearers.

"How goes the mission?"

The healer frowned. Grimmjow had run off to do who knows what with Ikkaku some time ago. She hadn't seen him since, and she wasn't exactly about to form a search party. As the night had progressed she'd grown to be able to tolerate the boisterous man…even had a couple laughs, but that didn't mean she was ready to have sex with him. "Why do you ask?"

"Retsu asked me to check on you. So I'm checking," Lisa shrugged.

Isane snorted. She supposed Lisa was a better choice than most. The Visored was one of the saner members of the group.

"Well we haven't done _that_, if that's what you're asking." She looked down to study her hands that were just slightly blurry.

"I didn't think you had." Offering a hand out, Lisa smirked. "Let's go."

"Where?"

"To have some fun." Isane frowned as Lisa knew she would. "If you don't come with me, Kukaku will be over here soon, or Yoruichi…maybe Ran."

Isane sighed. Lisa was definitely the better alternative. Reluctantly, she got to her feet and followed as the Visored escorted her around the throng of dancing bodies. That's when she spotted their destination. Grimmjow, of course. She should have known. He was seated with Ikkaku, Kensei, Rose, and a rather bored looking Yumichika.

To Isane's credit, she didn't turn and bolt, though the thought crossed her mind. Lisa stopped abruptly and the leggy lieutenant almost crashed into her.

"Great." The Visored folded her arms across her chest as she scanned the party of men. "It's the thigh fucker."

Isane's eyes went wide, before her nervousness melted away into a fit of laughter that was only partially fueled by her drunkenness. Lisa turned to glare at the towering shinigami, but her eyes showed a hint of amusement. "I'm glad you think it's funny."

"Sorry," she giggled.

"Yeah, yeah," Lisa waved off the apology. "So who do you think I should go with?"

"Go with where?" Isane questioned, still smirking.

"Nowhere," the scantily clad woman answered. "It's time for that lap dance."

Suddenly the healer was sober. Fear crept onto Isane's face. Her cohort took notice.

"Look. Either you do it with me or you wait until Kukaku comes over." Isane appeared on the brink of a major meltdown. "Anyway," Lisa continued. "This is a piece of cake compared to a body shot. You can handle it."

"That isn't the same." Isane's voice trembled. "It was just Rangiku." The silver-haired beauty swallowed thickly.

"Alright then," Lisa removed her glasses. "Just follow my lead. Do exactly as I do. Need a drink?"

"What's that going to do?" the obviously distressed lady asked curtly.

Lisa shrugged. "Destroy your liver." When her accomplice didn't laugh she let out an exasperated sigh. "So, I'm letting you pick my victim. That's fair right?"

Isane supposed it was. She turned her attention back to the table, actually giving it some thought. Ikakku was out. She wasn't heartless. Yumichicka would be good, entertaining even. Her eyes moved to rest on the very apathetic looking blond in the frilly tuxedo, and she smiled. "Rose."

Lisa's shoulders slumped. "I would have preferred Kensei."

Isane smiled wryly. "I would have preferred to be left alone."

"Touché," Lisa huffed. "Well, shall we?"

With a roll of her eyes, Isane reluctantly followed the smaller woman to the table. Without a word, Lisa straddled the wiry man, ignoring the looks of confusion and surprise she received as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

Grimmjow grinned up at the silver-haired, pouty-lipped beauty. "So you finally gonna give me that dance?"

She should have taken Lisa up on that drink. She should have bolted when she had the chance. Eyes roaming nervously around the table Isane absently noticed the look on Ikkaku's face as he watched Lisa begin to grind slowly on the foppish man. _'Follow her lead,'_ she remembered. Slate grey eyes moved back to the expectant hunter before her.

Lisa nonchalantly glanced over her shoulder. "Help her out a little," she told Grimmjow who happily complied by reaching out to grab the sad-looking shinigami and pulling her unceremoniously into his lap.

Lisa turned back around with a sigh. She felt bad for the girl. This had to be hard on her, and Grimmjow wasn't making it any easier. Feeling Rose hardening beneath her, she couldn't help but think that he was much better suited for the introverted lieutenant. Rose was always a gentleman, though he definitely had a wild side. Everything he did had a sort of gracefulness about it. He was gentle. Always. Too gentle for Lisa's taste, but perfect for Isane. Glancing back again she saw the two just getting their limbs untangled.

Isane caught Lisa's gaze and frowned. Rose's slender fingers were slowly working their way around his partner's tiny waist. Isane steeled herself and tried to block everything out of her mind but the music. Their position was uncomfortable. Her legs were too long and she was too awkward.

Grimmjow made an exasperated noise. "What the fuck?" he grumbled.

Attempting to better situate herself and ignore Grimmjow's less than helpful commentary she watched Lisa. The Visored was small, almost half the size of Rose. Of course this would be easy for her. _'Maybe if I wrap my legs around his waist...'_ She attempted it, getting one leg around with ease. The other got stuck on one of the many pillows that surrounded the kotatsu table. Attempting to avoid the former Espada's icy gaze, she slipped an arm around the man's neck to give herself some leverage. Grimmjow scowled as his face was almost pulled into the woman's bosom.

"Yo, what the fuck!" The panther finally snapped, tired of being jerked around.

Isane's foot finally dislodged from the pillows, snapping out in front of her and subsequently kicking the kotatsu table. Ikkaku and Kensei jumped back just in time to avoid the flying table and drinks.

-o0o-

"Byaaaaakuyaaaaaa," Nel sang as she landed in the noble's lap. "Whatcha doooooin?"

Everyone at the table froze, as if any sudden move would send the Kuchiki Lord into a murderous rage.

"Oh my fucking shit," Shinji gaped.

"Lieutenant Odelschwanck," Byakuya acknowledged a little too composed.

Nel threw her hand up in the air her finger pointed upwards, before moving it erratically towards Byakuya's face. "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrr."

Ulquiorra realized she was imitating an airplane or maybe a spaceship. There was no way to be sure. He watched in amazement as the UFO descended upon his captain's face. Byakuya didn't flinch, barely blinked, as the aircraft landed on his nose with a "Boop." Nel then laughed hysterically, throwing her arms around his neck.

Ulquiorra noted that while every person at the table's face displayed a healthy amount of _what-the-fuck_, the ladies seemed decidedly less surprised. As far as the former Espada knew, he was the only one privy to his captain's arrangement with Lieutenant Odelschwanck. Something to think about.

"Your hair is the same as Yoruichi's." The green-haired Arrancar leaned back as Byakuya unthinkingly brought his arm up to stop her from continuing to the floor. He didn't respond to her foolish comment, but such was their relationship. The woman usually seemed perfectly content to just be in his presence, which he allowed more often than not. She would talk and he would not. It was not a wholly unpleasant arrangement. He realized rather early on that Lieutenant Odelschwanck's silliness was not inherent, but a conscious decision. Nel, to his surprise, was very intelligent and could be serious when the mood struck her, which it almost never did. She reminded him a little of Urahara.

"Now there's something you don't see every day." Kenpachi's raspy voice broke the tension in half.

"Ya can say that again," Shinji agreed. "I don't know why, but I always kinda saw Byakuya as bein'…I dunno," he whispered with a shrug. "Asexual."

"He does seem to be above things as worldly as sex," the former Primera added.

Nel reached over onto the table, retrieving Byakuya's tie and slipping it around her neck. Peeking into Ulquiorra's half empty cup curiously, Nel cautiously glanced back at Ulquiorra, who didn't seem to paying her any attention. She lifted her hand, submerging two of her fingers into the pale man's glass.

"There's a man in your cup," she announced as she began walking her finger in place.

"Indeed there is," Byakuya said giving Nel's hand his attention.

"He's really fuckin' small too." Shinji commented a little too seriously.

"Hey, Kuchiki," a slightly amused and eerie voice came from behind the noble.

All heads turned to find Gin Ichimaru inexplicably standing behind them. The sixth division captain turned to regard the silver-haired man with curiosity, moonwalking fingers forgotten. Kurosaki Ichigo swayed unstably at the escaped criminal's side.

"Ichigoooooooooooo," Nel sung, kicking her leg out to plant her foot on the strawberry's stomach. Byakuya calmly placed a hand on her leg, stopping her dress from riding up.

Ignoring Nel's exuberance, Ichigo pointed an accusing finger in the raven-haired captain's face. "Are you gonna kill me?" he asked.

Byakuya stared. "Excuse me?"

"Ichigo's plastered," Shinji announced from somewhere off to the side.

"Astute oberservation," Kisuke teased.

"Are. You. Gonna. Kill me." The boy spoke slowly.

Kuchiki shared a confused look with his lieutenant before answering. "I don't recall seeing it on my schedule."

"Ha, I knew it." Ichigo stumbled, but Gin was there to steady him, grinning all the while. "Renji's dumb." The boy's finger was back in the older man's face. "And, I think maybe you taught him how ta be it."

Byakuya was having a hard time following. He wasn't sure if it was because of his alcohol intake or Ichigo's. "I'm not sure I understand what you're saying."

The young Visored's eyes narrowed. "Well I think you do understand."

"Ichigo, what the hell are you talkin about?" Shinji finally intervened.

"HITAGE!" The finger turned on Shinji. "That's what I'm talking about." The orange-haired peasant looked back to Byakuya.

Shinji spun towards Kisuke. "The fuck is hitage?

A half asleep Starrk chimed in. "I thought he said 'shitage'. But maybe he's so drunk he's shlurring. How embarrashing."

He then promptly passed out in Shinji's lap, who took no notice of this whatsoever. The blond Beatle lookalike deliberated further. "I thought he was trying to say 'hit-itch'. Which sounds like…kitsch?" He looked around the table in search of someone to offer a further explanation.

"The fuck is 'kittich'," Kenpachi questioned.

"It's a game of magic, balls and flying brooms." Kisuke explained, eyes glued to his lieutenant.

"What?" Kenpachi grunted.

The genius shook his head. "Nothing."

Ichigo ignored his captain and the other's, far more concerned with the sign he'd just noticed on Ulquiorra's shirt. Something about inserting Zangetsu in his hole…

Gin followed the boy's gaze to the pale faced lieutenant's back. His eyes actually opened. Byakuya and Nel's relationship was no longer a point of interest. It was clear the bat-man was unaware of the prank that was obviously being played on him. _'By who?'_ the convict wondered.

Ichigo's stare became more and more calculating, his head tilting to the side. Why would Ulquiorra have a message to _him_ on his back? "Uhh, I don't have my zanpakuto," the boy explained.

The green-eyed devil blinked, staring blankly at the boy who now watched him expectantly. "That's fine," he answered, not really knowing what was going on.

Ichigo nodded. "Okay if I use yours?" The former Cuarta barely had time to register what the young hero had said before the boy bent down and snatched his sword from its place on the floor. Gin's smirk widened to a grin as Ichigo casually thrust the soul cutter through the hole in Ulquiorra's chest.

"The fuck!" Kukaku and Shinji exclaimed in unison as everyone at the table jumped back in stunned horror. Gin couldn't help, but marvel at Ichigo's aim. After all, the hole was completely covered with clothing and the boy was far from sober. It still looked as though he had skewered their ally through the chest.

Lieutenant Cifer stared down in a blank sort of confusion at the blade now protruding from his shirt. Belatedly, he realized that he should have been furious, more than furious. Instead, he found that above all, he was curious. Turning back to Ichigo, whose hand was still firmly on the hilt of his zanpakuto, Ulquiorra actually raised a questioning eyebrow. "Explain."

"It says, 'Insert Ichigo Kurosaki's sword here,'" the boy explained with a hint of _'duh'_ in his voice. "I'm just following directions."

Before the impaled arrancar could question the drunken youth further, an explanation came in the form of a piece of paper held out by a grinning Gin. Emerald eyes moved across the missive before narrowing and scanning the room in search of the culprit.

"Ichi tried to kill youuuuuuuuuu," Nel sang, almost cracking the mask Byakuya was trying desperately to maintain. This was all too much. With every second that sword stayed through his lieutenant's chest his composure slipped. He needed to get away from prying eyes…so he could laugh his noble ass off.

"Hey," Ichigo said thoughtfully, finally pulling the sword from the man's sternum. "Now that I think about it." he set the borrowed soul cutter back on the floor between the two raven-haired men. "My sword's kinda big. I'd have ripped your hole open if I'd have stuck you with it."

"Oh my." Unohana brought a dainty hand to her mouth.

Byakuya coughed loudly before standing abruptly, dropping Nel to the floor with a thud, and fleeing from the room.

-o0o-

"You're a fuck load more trouble than you're worth." Grimmjow made his way to the dance floor, still holding the leggy klutz wrapped around his waist. Thankfully, the fight he expected never came. Isane silently held on, arms around his neck and feet practically dragging the floor. The loudmouth's large hands firmly gripped her rear. Any observers might think they were already engaging in a lewd act. Right now she was so tired of the whole affair it might be worth it just to get this damn night over with. "I need another drink," she mumbled, not really knowing what possessed her to tell such a bald-faced lie.

"I fuckin' doubt that," he replied, sounding more amused than irritated.

Isane wasn't too concerned with getting odd looks anymore. At this point so many strange things had happened, the only thing that could possibly attract anyone's attention was something ordinary. They were now lost in a partying throng. Kukaku had apparently invited the whole eleventh division. It was a well-known fact that she had a special affection for the savage squad. Whether that was the result of one Zaraki Kenpachi being the captain of said division was debatable. Either way, the dance floor was a sea of vaguely familiar faces.

Bodies moved in slow motion all around them and Isane laid her head on Grimmjow's shoulder to keep the world from spinning.

"It ain't fuckin' nap time," the blue-haired brute commented as he weaved through the dancers. When he reached the infamous stripping poles, he released Isane's ass. She locked her legs around his waist. "Get down," he snapped, leaning forward a little.

"I'm fine here, thank you," the lieutenant replied.

Grimm felt sure something was up. It had to be. Nothing else could explain the giantess' sudden clinginess. He reached behind his neck and pried the woman's hands apart. Her leglock tightened around his waist.

"Get the fuck down!" The barbarian held the woman's arms straight out at her sides, pulling her head from his shoulder. Taking a quick appraisal of the gunmetal-grey eyes before him, it was obvious that Isane was past drunk. Strange, since she'd seemed fine when she'd booted that table over onto Kensei and Ikkaku.

"What did you have to drink?"

She blinked so slow that for a second, Grimmjow thought that maybe she'd dozed off. "I don't know. Whatever Nemu gave me."

With his boner now gone, the Hollow sighed in exasperation. He had no desire to babysit a drunk virgin. His first impulse was to dump her off on one of her friends and go find Kukaku. She was always good for a laugh.

"Raspberry Long Island."

Isane's quiet voice brought Grimmjow from his thoughts. "What?"

"I had two Raspberry Long Islands. I think that's what Matsumoto called them…or was it three?"

Surprise settled onto the Arrancar's face. "Plus all that other shit?" he questioned. The woman hanging from his waist nodded.

"Long Island's creep up on you," he explained, finally understanding the reason for her quick transformation. "One second, you're sober. The next, you ain't."

"I'm not drunk if that's what you're implying." Isane stared blankly at the gorgeous man in front of her, belatedly remembering that she hated his guts. "Put me down." The panther's put-out expression put a slightly pleased one on the face of the healer.

"I'm not holding you up here you fuckin' retard. Let go."

Instead of simply releasing Grimmjow from her anaconda-like grip, the foggy-brained lieutenant tugged at the hold he had on her wrists.

"What the fuck are you doing?" The self-proclaimed badass of Soul Society was growing tired, as any normal person would, who had someone as massive as Isane hanging from their body.

She was smiling strangely now. "I can't get down unless you let me go,"

With a huff, Grimmjow let his arms fall to his sides, his shoulders tense with irritation. The busty toothpick promptly wrapped her arms back around the beyond annoyed man's neck and stepped down. "You have beautiful eyes," she complimented, finally voicing what she'd been thinking most of the night.

"I know," he answered, not at all phased by what seemed to be yet another mood swing.

"You're conceited."

Grimm shrugged. It was true. Reaching back, he freed himself from her grasp. This time she didn't fight. "That lap dance was shit. You owe me."

Isane grabbed the pole at her side and let her body swing around Grimm's body, not bothering to move her feet. She closed her eyes, only for a minute, enjoying the heavenly breeze. Her face closed in on the floor at an alarming rate, and for a split second Grimmjow considered stepping in to help. The option was taken from him when the medic's body jerked to a stop, then fell to the floor with a _smack_ when her grip proved to be insufficient.

"A gentleman would have caught me." Isane said to the floor.

Grimm smiled. "I bet. Now get the fuck up. You're embarrassing me."

"You're embarrassing yourself," Isane slurred. "You're not a real man." The drunken beauty got to her knees, rubbing her now bruised forehead. "You…..One-millionth seat Jaegerjaquez, are an inconsiderate buffoon."

'_Millionth seat?'_ The highly offended man couldn't stop the way his lip turned up in a snarl at that comment. Not a real man? This from a chick who wouldn't know what real man was if his dick was a mile down her throat? He watched with growing irritation as Isane tried to stand up. She wobbled like a newborn deer.

"A big, st…stupid, blue, buffoon," she declared with a certain matter of satisfaction.

Grimm's eye twitched dangerously. He had no qualms about kicking a bitch's ass, drunk or not. "You call me a monkey again, and I'm gonna reintroduce your face to the floor."

Finally on her feet, the hazy-eyed lush stared at the snarling creature in front of her with confusion. "I thought you were a cat." Isane swayed, and would have been back on the floor if not for the death grip she had on the pole. "It's dizzy in here." She squeezed her eyes shut and leaned her forehead onto the brass column, waiting for the wooziness to pass. "You're stupid." She looked up slowly. "I said buffoon…not baboon," she corrected, finally realizing the reason behind his earlier threat. "Real men aren't cats or monkeys, because those are animals." She pointed an accusing finger in the ruffian's face. "And you are rude."

Grimmjow was mildly aware of the fact that most of what the woman had just said made little to no sense, but for some reason he couldn't ignore it. Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez wasn't a real man? Bullshit! He reached out and snatched the girl's hand from the pole. She stumbled at the sudden movement, but for once he caught her. Not because it was the polite thing to do, but because proving his point would be infinitely harder if she were face down on the ground unconscious.

She brought her face within inches of his. Grimmjow ignored the almost overpowering scent of booze.

"I will not be manhandled." Isane complained, as his nails practically dug into her bare shoulders.

"Shut up," he snapped. The healer swatted at him like a fly, her face contorted in a frustrated frown. He quickly slid his hands down to her wrists, leaned down and threw her over his shoulder. She let out a squeak, but thankfully didn't struggle. Nobody gave the couple's caveman act a second look.

"This is rude," the dangling girl informed.

"You talk too fuckin' much," Grimm snarled. "And you don't know shit." He paused to look for a place they could be somewhat alone, not that it really mattered. "But I know what'll shut you up."

Isane rolled her eyes as she heard the rumble of laughter in the man's chest.

-o0o-

Byakuya studied his reflection. Abominable. Eyes low and bloodshot, hair like an adolescent girl. Surprisingly, in stark contrast to the way he looked, he actually felt quite good, beyond good really.

He'd escaped just in time. Who knew Kurosaki was such a funny child. The captain had a mind to invite the boy over for some saké one day. Taking a few deep breaths, he gave himself one last cursory glance in the mirror. His mask was firmly in place. With a nod, he left the restroom to rejoin the festivities, if you could even call it that. At best, this gathering was a cesspool of sin.

Pausing when he reached the main room, he took a slow survey of the area. Unfortunately Ichimaru and Kurosaki were still standing behind his lieutenant. Nel however, had disappeared. Byakuya groaned inwardly. There was no way he'd be able to survive another round of Ichigo's idiocy without her presence to distract him. _'Perhaps I should call it a night.'_

Yoruichi's animated flailing pulled him from his thoughts. Her flowing hair swung back and forth like a pendulum. She was a sitting duck…completely unaware of her surroundings. Something a person in her position could not afford to do. He took a tentative step forward, attempting to suppress the almost foreign urge that was beginning to creep through his body. The tips of his fingers tingled. He stretched them out, then balled them into fists. _'Keep it together,'_ he told himself.

The Shihoin leader turned suddenly. Byakuya stopped in his tracks thinking he'd been found out. She laughed as her eyes fixed on something other than the approaching lord. He allowed himself to relax. His mind was fuzzy. A jumbled mass of insanity that made him question his mental state. The Goddess of Flash's head turned back with a snap, luxurious ponytail whipping over her shoulder. She leaned heavily on Captain Kyoraku, like a woman desperate for attention. He moved again. Slowly at first, but then the urge came back again…stronger than before. Byakuya disappeared in a flash of shunpo, before he could stop himself.

One moment Captain Kuchiki was casually observing the drunken decadence, and the next, he was behind Yoruichi. He made note of the fact that a drunken flash step seemed somehow faster than a sober one. His hand was reaching out, moving on its own accord, and snatching the tie that held the thick velvet locks in place along with a pin that looked almost identical to the one Captain Kyoraku always wore. Then he was gone.

Byakuya stopped when he reached the doorway that led to the garden and turned slowly.

Yoruichi's eyes were already on him. The rest of the room wasn't far behind. The music was abruptly cut and the lights went from red to blinding. Suddenly, it was painfully obvious what he'd just done. If the number of flabbergasted expressions weren't a clue, the amusement that danced in his lieutenant's eyes was.

'_Have I lost my mind?'_ The answer was in his hand. The noble raised his head just in time to see his sanity rounding the corner to leave the large house. This figment of his beleaguered imagination bore an almost exact resemblance to the Kuchiki lord, save for the frustratingly smug way it held itself. His fictitious sense of self turned and smiled. Byakuya's eyes narrowed as it waved. Instinct took over. Nobody looked at him that way. Not even himself. He went to reach for his sword, belatedly remembering he'd left it behind.

Yoruichi jumped from her seat upon realizing that not only had the arrogant bastard taken her hair tie, but the gift from Shunsui. Unforgivable.

In a flash, she was face-to-face with the raven-haired thief, who seemed to be distracted by something on the other side of the room. His hand was clenched around her precious hairpin, threatening to completely destroy it.

"Have you lost your mind Byakuya?"

Captain Kuchiki was well aware that the demon cat was, at present, laying a look on him that would kill a lesser man. It would seem that her hair supplies held some sentimental value. He tossed them out into the garden, completely unconcerned with the shriek the woman let out when it hit the ground.

His alter-ego of sanity stared at him with eyes that matched his own, but smiling in a way that was completely foreign. "You dare mock me?" he demanded of it.

The silent room actually grew quieter, the obvious decline of Byakuya's mental state proving to be far more interesting than anything else that could possibly ever happen.

"Who's he talking to?" Starrk questioned his drunken comrades.

Shunsui, who seemed to be the only person in the room paying Yoruichi any mind, quickly stood and made his way to their now livid hostess.

Captain Kyoraku was now at his side as well, but Byakuya could not, and would not, allow himself to be distracted. His pride would not allow him to back down from this brazen doppelganger.

"Calm down pussycat," Shunsui cooed, placing his large hand soothingly on the woman's back. No damage had been done to the obviously cherished accessory, but you wouldn't know it by the distraught look on Yoruichi's face. "I can get you another one. Let Byakuya have that one. Share."

"I suggest you surrender," Lord Kuchiki spoke to the defiant figure across the room. The stupid simper on its face hadn't faded. Byakuya knew what he needed to do. Slowly raising his hand towards the invisible threat, he focused his reiatsu. _"__Ye lord! Mask of blood and flesh…"_

Kenpachi grinned. "This is what I'm talkin' about."

"This party has officially gone awry." Shinji's grin was oddly absent.

"Whoa Kuchiki, don't you think this has gone far enough?" Shunsui tried appealing to the man's strong sense of…not being a psycho.

"_All creation, flutter of wings…"_

Rukia's, along with half the room's, disbelieving eyes moved from the obviously batty noble to the empty spot he seemed so entranced by, and back again.

"I knew it," Lisa stated from the other side of Kensei, momentarily drawing the younger Kuchiki's attention. "He was too perfect. Something had to be wrong with him."

"_Ye who bears the name of Man!"_

"Hado 73?" Kisuke smiled.

"Sōren Sōkatsui," Jushiro finished with a frown.

Realizing the very real danger they were all in, pandemonium broke out. Screams tore from the revelers' throats. Some took cover under tables, others behind the bar. Unohana stood, readying herself for a preemptive _dankū_ if things got worse.

"He really must hate that wall," Starrk commented.

"_On the wall of blue flame, inscribe a twin lotus—"_

"SAVE YOURSELVES!" Love's voice rang through the sound system, before he disappeared.

"Byaaaaaaaaaa!" A busty blur that was Neliel Tu Odelschwank crashed into the unstable pretty boy, thwarting his assault on his sanity. The green-haired Arrancar, completely unaware that she'd just saved countless lives, glomped the noble mercilessly. "KUYAAAAA!" she screamed, and the two of them toppled to the floor in a confusing mess of limbs.

This time, it was Ulquiorra who promptly excused himself to the restroom.

-o0o-

"Glmphg," Isane mumbled around the rigid phallus that had been thrust into her mouth, her hands pushing at denim-covered thighs. "Shut up!" A feral voice growled.

Grimmjow's feline eyes regarded the drunken beauty through the darkness. They hadn't been in the closet he'd procured a whole minute before someone was tugging at the door, mumbling something about Byakuya killing everyone.

The irritated panther turned, pulling his member from Isane's mouth, promptly socked the bastard in the face, and pulled the door shut. They were left alone after that, although he continued to hear terrified screams.

Before the woman started with more of her mindless banter, Grimm planted his palm firmly on the back of Isane's head and pushed back into her slightly open mouth as far as he could. He waited for the inevitable gag. It never came. And to make it worse, the dumb broad was starting to talk again, inadvertently biting him. It wasn't hard, but that was beside the point. Teeth were bad unless you knew what the fuck you were doing…and Isane did _not_ know what she was doing.

"The fuck?" He pulled out fast. "You tryin'a kill me?"

"I don't know what I'm doing," she complained, surprising her kidnapper with the lack of rage in her voice.

"That's obvious," he spat.

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe you shouldn't just stick parts of your body into unsuspecting women's mouths?"

As completely annoyed as Grimmjow was, he couldn't help but chuckle. The girl was wasted…then again she seemed fairly lucid, but there could be no other reason she would be so casual about this. Receptive even. He shrugged, not really caring what the reason was. A _real_ man probably wouldn't take advantage of this situation, but then he remembered that he, as Isane had so kindly reminded him, was not a real man…but a primate.

Isane was somewhere between being completely humiliated and completely indifferent. Initially, she'd been trying to be brave, hoping that her desire to make her captain proud would be greater than her fear. It wasn't, but the alcohol was...kind of. In actuality the moment the door to the closet shut she became painfully aware of what was going on. Oh sure, she was still tipsy, but it wasn't hardly enough to erase her morals. It had always been her understanding that sex wasn't something you just did for fun. It was a serious and very intimate thing, only to be shared with someone you loved.

"Oww!" the healer yelped, smacking a hand over her eye. Grimmjow laughed hysterically, before poking his very erect member into her other eye.

"Stop doing that," the girl whined.

"Give me somewhere else to stick it then," he grinned.

"I can't," Isane whispered despondently. "I don't…I can't have…do _this_… with someone I don't love."

Grimmjow was aghast, "Why the fuck not. It's not like I'm trying to kiss you. I'm just trying to fuck." He sighed. "Stop making it a big deal. Just think of it as…like, drinking tea."

Isane frowned, trying to understand the former Espada's nonexistent logic. _'Tea?'_ she thought. _'I like tea.'_

"Open your mouth," he commanded suddenly.

"Huh?"

"You heard me. Open your mouth." The young medic didn't follow her teacher's instructions fast enough. Grimmjow reached out, catching her jaw and squeezing."You better be glad I'm feeling generous," he complained.

Isane shook her head free. "I'm scared," she admitted, not sure if she was looking for pity or just understanding. She got neither.

"Of what? It doesn't shoot acid."

"How do I know that?" she whined.

"Fine." The brute tucked himself back in his pants and zipped up. "There's plenty of chicks who'll give it up willingly. I ain't gonna fuckin' rape you."

That was the turning point. The lieutenant gaped up into the darkness shocked. He wasn't a complete jerk after all. There _was_ a line he wouldn't cross. The thought was comforting. Then came another thought, a completely illogical one, that Isane was disappointed in herself for even having. She wasn't going to see Grimmjow naked. She was going to fail and disappoint her captain, which was bad, but…she wasn't going to get to see the cocky arrancar in all his glory.

The consequences for her failure would probably be dreadful…something worse than the mission itself. Yoruichi and Rangiku could be pretty sick when they put their twisted little minds to it. She looked up to where she knew the Arrancar was, wishing there was some light. She wanted to see him, or maybe just his eyes. Always so intense and telling.

'_He's not so bad,'_ she thought. Although she'd never admit it to him, she'd been having a pretty good time, and the reason could at least partly be attributed to the foul-mouthed bruiser. She'd grown to, if not exactly enjoy, at least appreciate, his crude sense of humor. Isane envied the way he always said exactly what was on his mind, even if inappropriate and often disrespectful. It took courage. _'Momo was right,'_ she realized. _'He is like Ichigo. Only hotter.'_

The sound of the doorknob turning snapped her out of her trance. "Wait!" She reached out, snagging his shirt. He glanced over his shoulder. The light streaming in through the cracked door cast a shadow over his perfect jawline. His very turquoise eyes were almost visible.

'_He's devilishly handsome, if a little arrogant. Honest. Brave. Funny-ish.'_ She quickly ran down the short list of the man's more amiable qualities. _'He's not so bad,'_ she told herself again, suddenly desperate to succeed in her mission. Not because she wanted to prove to Captain Unohana, Kukaku and the others that she could, but for herself. For once in her life she wanted to do something daring and completely spontaneous…to do something surprising. He wasn't the complete barbarian he pretended to be, otherwise he'd have simply forced himself on her and been done with it.

"What!" he snapped.

Isane swallowed the baseball-sized lump in her throat. "I want to drink tea with you," she blurted, positive it was not the alcohol talking.

There was a moment of torturous silence where Isane wasn't sure if she'd done the right thing. The light from the party going on outside cast dim light on his confused expression. She moved to get to her feet, giving up on getting any kind of response and not too pleased with the way she felt about it.

The dejected healer's head snapped up at the sound of the door closing.

"Tea, huh?" She could almost hear the grin in his voice.

She allowed herself to smile in the darkness, completely unaware that Grimmjow could see her perfectly. "Yes, but nothing too strong."

"That's the only kind I drink," he snorted, suddenly pulling her toward him and snaking an arm around her waist. Without preamble, he reached behind her neck, and with one swift pull, Isane's top was falling down around her waist. She pressed her hands softly on Grimmjow's chest, not really trying to escape.

"I can't see," she said, her voice shaking with nervousness or maybe excitement.

"You don't need to see." His breath was hot on her neck. "Just feel."

"I want to see you," she explained.

He ignored her request as his rough hands slid down her back, into her shorts and gripped her rear, pulling her forward into his growing erection. Unsure of what to do, Isane's arms hung limply at her sides. She was completely clueless. Her muddled brain tried desperately to remember the videos she'd seen during their society meetings. _'What do I do?'_

Kissing. That had seemed to be a common occurrence and seemed to always get the ball rolling. Tonight was just full of firsts. Lifting her hands to rest around the groping man's neck, Isane copied what she'd seen many times and puckered her lips. She slowly leaned forward, searching for the lips she couldn't see. Grimmjow froze.

"What are you doing?"

The virgin started. "Uhhh…" Her eyes searched the space in front of her.

"Were you about to kiss me?" The girl's cheeks reddened and Grimm had to fight not to laugh in her face. She was disgustingly pure, which made enduring the initial aggravation all the more worth it.

Her eyes widened almost comically. "Wha…uhh…maybe?" she stammered.

At that, the former Espada laughed outright.

Isane's back stiffened, and not because of the fact that Grimmjow chose that moment to give her rear end a hearty squeeze. "Don't laugh, show me what to do."

The hooligan quirked an eyebrow, not believing his luck. He'd never considered himself much of a teacher, but maybe that was because he'd never tried teaching something he was passionate about. Just the thought of being able to mold Isane into exactly what he wanted made him almost giddy. The possibilities were practically endless.

"Okay." He slipped his hands out of the suddenly not so shy lieutenant's pants. "On your knees."

"What?"

"You wanna learn or not?" She sighed and dropped to her knees as he pulled his shirt over his head, and tossed it to the side. "Now take out my shit," he grinned.

"Your what?" she giggled, making Grimmjow wonder, not for the first time, if the girl was bipolar.

"My dick."

"But I can't see," she complained.

"You got hands. Use them." He watched as reluctance flashed in the girl's eyes, but as fast as it came, it left.

Blindly reaching forward, Isane dragged her hands down over chiseled abs until she reached the top of his jeans. She moved slowly, but efficiently, working her way through unbuckling his belt. Grimmjow stayed quiet, observing…calculating. His pants were unbuttoned and unzipped, then she stopped, hesitating before reaching inside of his boxers and delicately extracting his member. She handled it like glass.

"Lick it." He leaned back against the wall, resisting the urge to put a hand on the back of her head.

She moved in slow until her lips found the slightly slick tip, resting them on the soft flesh. The warning bells went off in her mind. A line that she'd never even considered approaching before was now firmly beneath her feet. Once she crossed it, there would be no going back.

"If you stop now, I'll fucking kill you."

Isane's eyes moved up to the source of the slightly strained voice and shockingly ,she giggled. The vibration made the panther's cock twitch. _'What do you know? He is growing on me,'_ she mused.

Her tongue slipped out through her lips to softly lick the head. Even the slide of her tongue was timid as she moved from the tip to the shaft, more exploratory than trying to give pleasure. It tasted like nothing, she noted, not really knowing what she'd expected. Grimmjow didn't say a word or move a muscle. Was she doing it right? She stopped.

"Is this wrong?" she asked.

"Put it in your mouth." The command came almost immediately, practically cutting her question off.

The half-naked lieutenant's eyebrow crawled up. "You want me to suck your penis?"

"No, I want you to suck my _dick_," he snapped. Who the fuck calls it a penis?

"Isn't that the same thing?" The girl actually sounded confused as if she'd received some bad information.

"Now!" He demanded. His voice was husky. If the retard wanted to have a conversation, stupid or not, at least she could have taken her lips off of him.

She followed the instruction, opening her mouth just wide enough to fit the swollen head inside.

"Let it rest in your mouth. Don't squeeze." he commanded. She complied. "Don't squeeze," he said again, surprising even himself with the amount of patience he was displaying. "No teeth." She adjusted accordingly. This time, he placed an astoundingly gentle hand on her head, tangling it in her silver locks. Slowly, he guided himself deep into her mouth…as deep as he could go, and again she did not gag. That was when Millionth seat Jaegerjaquez realized something wonderful. Something magnificent enough to bring a tear to his eye.

Isane had no gag reflex.

He pulled out slowly, his cock sliding along full lips. Without being told, she worked her tongue and sucked, not too hard and not too soft. He grunted his approval and Isane couldn't help but feel a small kind of accomplishment.

"Keep going, just like that." His hand stayed on her head, but he did not force her movement. The soft sound of her gentle sucking filled the dark closet. Each time she took him deep, deeper than what should have been possible for a first timer. Her fingers idly drew circles in the soft curls at the base of his cock.

Grimm let his head fall back against the wall and his eyes close. For all the trouble the drunk healer had caused him earlier, he had to admit she was doing one hell of a job making up for it. Her pace was a little too slow for his taste, but he didn't dare ruin her concentration and risk another mood swing.

Reaching down, he grabbed the hand that rested on his now bare thigh, his pants having fallen to the floor long ago, and moved it down to cup his balls. "Not too rough," was all he managed to get out, but she got the message. Although her knowledge of the male anatomy was completely medical, it proved invaluable.

Isane slowly massaged him with one hand and continued to suck just as he'd instructed. She was the perfect pupil. Grabbing the base of his wet member she refocused her attention on the testicles, licking them lightly and wrinkling her nose when the soft hair tickled her nose. A thought came to her and she pulled away fast.

"Is it blue?" she asked suddenly.

Grimmjow cracked an eye open, unsure if he'd imagined her voice or if the stupid ass had actually stopped giving a pretty quality blowjob to ask him a question. "What?"

"Is it blue?" she repeated, scratching her nails softly in the curly hairs above his manhood.

He didn't know if he should be pissed or laugh, but just as he opened his mouth to tell her to shut the fuck up something incredible happened.

Isane had a brilliant idea. Completely forgetting about her question, the sex student opened wide and guided the brute's length into her mouth. Grimmjow let out what could only be described as a croak. When her nose was buried in his maybe-blue pubic hair, she reached underneath and carefully pushed his balls in her mouth too. It was a tight fit, but she managed it.

The Arrancar's jaw dropped, unable to believe what he was feeling. _'I love you.'_ He marveled. Then she started jerking him with her mouth…balls and all. _'And she still didn't gag,'_ he mused.

"Shit" he ground out between gritted teeth right before his knees buckled. In an attempt to catch himself, he reached out to grab the coat rod beside his head. It didn't hold. Instead, the rod, and everything that hung from it, fell down on him and the silver-haired healer. With one last effort, he stepped to the side, momentarily forgetting that his pants bound his ankles. His package pulled from Isane's mouth with a _pop_ as he hit the floor and was covered with coats. She let out a yelp.

"What happened?" Isane squinted, willing her eyes to adjust to the darkness.

"You can't go all rogue on the cock. Warn me first!" he snapped, ignoring her question. Shedding his pants and tossing aside the shit that blanketed him, he reached out, grabbing an unsuspecting Isane by the wrist and yanking her on top of him. Long gone was his irritation from just moments ago. Isane was fresh meat and the panther within him was out for blood. He went straight for her neck, biting it hard.

She whimpered, squirming against his bare chest, not exactly wanting to get away, but thinking she should at least make him work for it. She couldn't remember how many times she'd heard Rangiku say that. "You can't make it too easy. Make him work for it." 'Him', being whoever she was indirectly pursuing at the time.

"Take all this shit off." Grimm pulled at the healer's jumper that still hung around her waist. He'd done enough teaching. All that was on his mind now was getting inside her tight hole. He'd never had a virgin before, but he'd heard stories. Some good, some bad. Hopefully, she wouldn't be one of those girls that fell madly in love with him and followed him around like a dog.

A minute later she still hadn't stripped, so he helped her out by ripping her jumper and underwear, clean off. "Hurry the fuck up!" he demanded, ignoring her cry of surprise.

Before Isane could protest, she was on her stomach and Grimmjow's rough hands were pulling her butt up in the air. She pushed up, but he quickly pressed her head, rather harshly, back to the floor. "Kiss the floor," he commanded. The reeling lieutenant took a moment to ponder if he really meant for her to share an intimate moment with the ground, but then his mouth was on her other set of lips. She cried out at the odd, but not at all unpleasant, sensation. Then he was poking at her.

Isane tensed, pushing herself up only to have Grimmjow push her face back down to the floor again. "Is it gonna hurt?" she whimpered.

"How the fuck should I know?" Then he was sliding in, not exactly gentle, but not rough. She was too tight for that.

Expletives flew from his mouth, drowning out the pained howl of the woman in front of him.

"It hurts. It hurts. It hurts."

He stopped momentarily. His teeth clenched so hard they were in danger of grinding to dust.

Isane let out a sharp screech and the faint smell of blood hit the feral man's nose. He pushed in. It took every ounce of Grimmjow's scant reserve, he stopped again and waited, a rare act of kindness that was greatly appreciated by the newly liberated woman.

"You good?" he asked, gentleman that he was, absently massaging her lower back with his thunbs. Isane's eyes squeezed tighter. "You're so fucking tight." He pulled back and pushed in again, setting a slow but deliberate pace, and as much as he'd wanted her to shut the fuck up before, her sudden silence was eerie.

"You alive?" Reaching up, he grabbed a fistful of her hair and gently turned her head to the side. He eyes were still clenched and her mouth was set in a tight line. What caught his attention though, was the stream of tears running down her angelic face. It turned him on like nothing had in a long time. He gave her ass a smack and she flinched.

"It hurts," she whined.

"Well loosen the fuck up!" he growled as he continued to slowly pump in and out of the teary eyed lieutenant.

All signs of Isane's previous drunkenness were gone, Grimmjow's penis having completely knocked her sober. Thankfully, the pain was starting to dissipate. It had seemed like forever, but the leggy beauty knew that it had only been a couple of minutes. She reached up and wiped her face as her body began to tingle with what might have been pleasure…no way to tell. Pushing up on her elbows she sniffed quietly, wiggling her rear a little. Now that the initial horror was over she realized that the monotony was really quite boring. _'This can't be all there is to this. I can't believe I was worried.'_

"Harder." The command was issued with such a composed tone that Grimmjow almost completely missed it.

He stopped mid thrust. "Huh?"

Isane cleared her throat. "I was asking if you could do it harder…and maybe a little faster."

Up until that moment, the only thing that was keeping this particular encounter from being the worst and lamest of the fairly experienced hollow's long life was the fact that Isane was indeed untouched. But, once the novelty of treading where no man had before wore off, he was faced with the very real possibility that he, the self-proclaimed Am-badass-ador of Soul Society was engaging in, and therefore condoning, BAD sex.

At the yeti's request and implied consent, the heavens opened and divine light beamed down on Grimmjow's head. He replied with his dick, plowing into the giant woman and driving her head forward into the wall.

"Owww!" she yelped, shaking off the chill that shot up her spine.

Her cry fell on deaf ears. The blue bastard drilled into her, his pace quickening with every thrust. Isane walked her hands up the wall lest she be rendered unconscious. Her quick erratic breaths soon turned into all out screams. This was more like it. She could only hope that the thumping music outside would drown her out. Practiced hands, tough as sandpaper, reached around to grope her breasts. Now she understood the hype. Her eyes rolled back into her head. It felt good…too good. He was good, not that she had anything to compare him with, but that was beside the point.

Grimm slapped her ass again. Isane was loud, something he wouldn't have believed if he wasn't hearing it for himself, and she liked if rough. Even better. She wasn't stupid after all.

"Harder." She screamed.

He pulled out and quickly laid on his back, ignoring the hangers that dug into his skin. "Sit on it."

"Excuse me?"

"Sit on it!" He reached up and pulled the inexperienced healer so she straddled him. "Lift up." She did. Positioning himself, he gave her leg a light tap. "Now sit." Mindlessly, she followed his instruction. He knew better than she did after all, and she was hungry for that feeling again.

"Now you're in control. Don't disappoint me." Isane could almost see his pearly whites as the former Espada shot her his patented grin.

The idea was completely foreign to her. She couldn't remember ever being in control of anything. Not really. She didn't waste any time, moving her hips experimentally and relishing in the way Grimmjow felt inside of her. She lifted up slowly, planting her hands on the man's chest under her, and slammed back down.

"Shit!" The hollow groaned, his hands moving to her thighs.

Isane smirked. She really was in control, and it went straight to her head. The now power hungry woman repeated the motion, reveling in the way Grimmjow's composure was slipping. To think, this was all it took to subdue a man like him. It was mind blowing. This annoying, loud-mouthed savage, in this moment, was like putty in her hands.

"Am I doing it right?" she asked innocently.

"Fuck!" was her answer. Isane smiled wider. The brute didn't see, as his eyes were closed, or he would have known that the gentle, shy lieutenant was manipulating him and loving every minute of it.

His hands slid from her legs and up to her breasts, rolling the pert nipples between his fingers. Tingles shot through Grimmjow's nerves as he cracked an eye open to watch the steady rise and fall of Isane's body on his hard dick. Grabbing her waist, he picked her up and slammed her back down. Her head fell back as an uninhibited scream tore from her throat. It was a good look on her.

He sat up, wrapping an arm around her back and bracing the other on the floor. Sweat dripped between Isane's bountiful breasts as Grimmjow, who had obviously tapped into a much more primal side of himself pumped mercilessly into her. His whiskey laced breath was hot on her face. The smell of sex filled the thick air of their confined love nest. The panther latched on to her neck again, instinctively marking his mate. He flipped her, taking her control away, and settling on his knees. Lacing his hands behind her back, he continued his assault on her tight warmth. Not a minute later he was pulling out, wobbling to his feet and pulling her with him.

"What—"

"Turn around." He cut her off, spinning her around and pressing her against the door.

Isane opened her mouth to protest, but Grimm was ramming into her again and she was screaming at the top of her lungs. For once her size was appreciated. The angle was perfect. No awkward crouching and bending. Sex standing up could be a chore if there was a big height difference.

The door's weakening hinges protested as the ravenous male reached down and lifted one of the supple lieutenant's legs, hammering her into her just like she kept begging him to do. He couldn't figure out which position he wanted so he decided to just do them all. Isane moaned, her knees buckling when he slammed into her and hit a ridiculously sensitive spot. Grimm held her up as he repeated the motion. She whimpered again, but this time the sound rang suspiciously familiar.

Grimmjow grinned, laying his lips on her ear. "What?"

Silence.

He pulled out of her slowly, then slammed into her again.

She actually growled. "Baboon."

The hollow smirked, repeating the slow assault on her womanhood.

Isane threw back her head and arched like a bow being bent. "Grimmjow!" she screamed.

His grin widened. "That's what I thought."

Cutting his gloating short, Isane pushed herself from the wall, knocking him back. She spun too quickly for him to stop her. Reaching out, she pulled him towards her hungrily, her lips easily finding his.

The medic's tongue invaded his with an enthusiasm and desire so unlike her usual shy and composed demeanor that hedidn't even fight back. Impossibly blue-eyes widened in momentary shock. Kissing was not something Grimmjow did... ever. Too personal, and too much trouble. Isane, now the aggressor, pushed him back, the both of them stumbling over the bar Grimm had yanked down, until his shoulderblades hit the opposite wall. The blow snapped him from his disorientation. He flipped them again. The healer's head hit the wall with a grunt that was almost completely lost in the hollow's mouth. Her bottom lip was sucked into his mouth, his sharp teeth drawing blood. Hooking one of her long legs over his arm, he slid into her again. She leaned in him, making him stumble back, but he kept his pace.

He slammed back into the door. Isane moaned something into his mouth, then started to quake. Her nails dug painfully into Grimm's neck. She was close. He knew it, but judging by the confusion that lurked just beneath the bliss, she didn't. Her head fell back, breaking their lip lock. In an impressive display of strength, he lifted her, hooking her other leg on his free arm and slammed her down on his throbbing dick. If she didn't cum soon, she was going to be shit out of luck. She bucked in his arms, making him rear up to keep his balance.

His back hit the door. There was a loud crack

"Shit!" the Arrancar growled as he felt Isane tighten around him, the force of her orgasm almost ejecting his cock.

Jagged shards of wood scraped his arms and back as the naked couple crashed through the door and onto the floor. Isane fell, euphorically cataleptic, onto his chest. Grimmjow was mildly aware of the blaring music that once again assaulted his ears, and the eyes that turned, aghast, on them. He continued to pump viciously into the unconscious woman on top of him. Audience be damned. He was too close.

The music was suddenly cut off, and Grimmjow was blinded by the brightest light known to man. A spotlight. He made a note to kill Love later. He pulled Isane off of him just as he came and he heard someone start yelling about fruit.

It was Nel, screaming at the top of her lungs "STRAWBERRIES! STRAWBERRIES! STRAWBERRIES!"

His head fell to the side as he rode the waves of ecstasy, his arms wrapping around Isane in an attempt to hide her nakedness. He figured he owed her that much at least. The crowd on the dance floor parted revealing a grinning Kukaku Shiba and Yoruichi.

A very self-satisfied Grimmjow sat up, ignoring the commotion surrounding them and grabbing one of the many coats now spread around him. The sleeping beauty on his lap tipped over, cracking her head on the floor.

"Oh fuck!" Grimm grabbed for her entirely too late. Her eyes shot open. She blinked rapidly.

"Here." He threw a black jacket over her naked frame. "Wipe off with this."

"That's my coat."

Grimm craned his neck in the direction of the pompous-sounding voice. A very irritated looking Byakuya, who curiously, wore an oddly high ponytail, glared at the pair.

Only then did Isane realize what was happening. Her high-pitched scream caused heads to lift all the way in Hueco Mundo, the hollows wondering who was being murdered and where.

-o0o-

"Let's go!" Grimmjow sat down in front of Renji, crashing his elbow onto the table. His lips curled in a taunting smirk and his aqua eyes twinkled with anticipation.

Renji's low-lidded gaze locked on the arrancar's cupped fingers. He cocked his head to the side. "What?"

"Come on," the grinning man shook his hand.

Renji cocked his head to the side. "What?"

"Arm wrestling!" Ikkaku smirked, recognizing Grimmjow's stance. "I got winner."

The redhead let out an exaggerated sigh. "Haven't you had enough excitement for one night?" His eyes danced with amusement.

"Hell no!" The brute grinned. "I've already done two of my favorite things tonight, get drunk and fuck. Now it's time I kicked some ass."

"Why do you have this much energy?" the young captain groaned, even as he threw his arm up on the table and grabbed his opponent's hand.

"Yo, Feathers," Grimm called. With a gracefully slow turn of his head, Yumichika regarded the ruffians. "Call it."

Ayesagawa's eyes rolled at the command, but he rose from his seat and placed his oddly smooth hands over the contestants'. "Ready?" He looked to each of them. They nodded in turn. "Go." He released them and they both jerked in their seats in an attempt to counter the other's strength.

Within seconds, Grimmjow was infringing on Renji's territory. The redhead grimaced as his biceps bulged.

"Wow, you really are weak," Ichigo teased from behind the tattooed brawler. His insult proved to be the boost Renji needed. Their fists jerked to a stop. Renji grinned as the bone cheeked bastard unsuccessfully applied more pressure. When Grimmjow let up after the failed attempt, Renji attacked. He jerked his hand up hard, leaning slightly to pull their fist upright. His muscles began to burn and he grinned fiercely at the prospect of showing up the cocky former espada.

Without warning, his grip slipped from the sweat building between their hands. The slip cost him. Grimmjow readjusted his slick fingers, rolled his wrist and slammed Renji's hand down on the table in one swift movement.

"Fuck!" Renji spat, glancing around the small crowd that had gathered. He was unceremoniously pushed from his seat and nearly onto the floor by an overzealous Ikkaku.

"I won't make that mistake," the bald man assured his squad mate.

Grimmjow shrugged. "It won't matter."

And it didn't. Ikkaku was defeated almost immediately. But then again, Grimmjow started before the third seat was finished with his lucky song, so it wasn't really fair. The bald man's demand for a rematch was ignored.

The former Espada set his sights on Ichigo.

"Don't even think about it," the boy shook his head. "I'm not letting you break my arm off."

"Pussy," Grimm shot as he scanned the room for his next victim. His eyes stopped on his greatest rival. He moved with purpose across the room, stopping when he reached Ulquiorra.

"You and me! Let's go!" he grinned even as the corpse-like lieutenant stared at him blankly. "You scared?"

Ulquiorra tried to comprehend what was happening through the alcohol induced fog in his brain while the simpleton's eyes roamed over him expectantly.

"Are you propositioning me?" The sixth squad lieutenant deadpanned.

Grimm's mouth dropped. "The fuck?"

"Because if you are…I will be forced to thrash you." Ulquiorra reached down to his sword.

"Yea, didn't ya know," Gin's creepy yet amused voice interrupted the questionable exchange. "Ulqui dropped Lord Aizen like a bad habit, and started blowin' Kuchiki."

It was too fast…too sudden. Byakuya couldn't hold it in. It started with a smirk. It grew to a grin, and then he laughed. Loud. His lieutenant's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"And _that_," Kisuke's hand slammed on the table, "is why I let him out."

-o0o-

"I'm proud of you," Kukaku grinned. "That took guts." She smacked Isane on the back and noticed the lieutenant's frown didn't quite make it to her eyes.

"It was humiliating," her red-faced colleague muttered, attempting to salvage her dignity.

"You liked it though."

Isane threw the troublesome souse an absolutely evil look..

"Come on. Just admit it." Shiba nudged the much taller woman with her elbow. "It was good."

"I don't kiss and tell," the healer responded.

"He kissed you?" Kukaku seemed genuinely surprised. "Go Isane," she smirked.

"It hurt," the amazon corrected.

"Sure…at first." Kukaku's knowing grin made Isane's face heat up at the memory of her pleasure filled cries.

The silver-haired medic rested her face in her palms. Shiba's hand found its way to the younger woman's back and felt her muscles stiffen at the contact.

"Chill out. I'm not going to kill you."

Isane let her hands fall from her face. "The idea of you consoling me is even scarier than the idea of you murdering me."

Kukaku could barely believe her eyes when the corner of the gigantic woman's lips curved up into a small smile. "Did you just make a joke?"

The former virgin's eyes rolled.

Kukaku beamed. "You did. You're turning into a real badass aren't you? Lap dances, body shots, fucking in public," Isane couldn't help the embarrassment she felt as the birthday girl ran off the list of her recent transgressions. "Next thing you know, you'll be fucking Kenpachi with a strap-on." Shiba cackled, slapping the confused novice's back, who had no idea what a strap-on even was. "Well, you'll be glad to know that I didn't come over here to harass you."

Isane wasn't buying it.

"I actually have something fun for you to do." The amputee pulled a piece of paper and pen from her pocket and held it out to the now intrigued lieutenant. "If you're willing."

-o0o-

"Attention." Love's voice came over the speakers. "Yoruichi has something she wants to say."

"What?" The clan leader yelped from across the room. All eyes turned to her. "No, I don't."

Retsu smiled at her. "Of course you do, dear."

That was when she knew something was up. Yoruichi stood slowly, her eyes darting around suspiciously before coming to rest back on the DJ table. Kukaku stood there grinning. Her eyes rolled, but that didn't stop her from moving to join Shiba up onstage.

"What's this about?" she whispered to her friend as Love passed her the mic.

"Failure." The mischievous glint in the one-armed woman's eyes made Yoruichi want to throw up.

A sheet of paper was handed to her by a red-faced Isane, who seemingly appeared out of nowhere. That was when she was sure. The medic had succeeded where Yoruichi had failed. _'The consequences,'_ she concluded.

"I hate you," Yoruichi declared, holding the microphone a safe distance from her mouth. Her eyes moved to the silver-haired beanpole. "Both of you"

"Sorry." Isane's apology might have passed for sincere if not for the smile that spread across her face.

The shapeshifter shot the pair one last withering glare before she turned to the eagerly awaiting crowd. With a quick glance down at the paper she began.

"First, I want to say Happy Birthday to my best friend, Kukaku. She's the smartest, most beautiful, most badass woman I know. I dream of being like her, but that's a dream that I know will never come true." Yoruichi raised a brow as she glanced back over her shoulder at the smiling duo before continuing.

"Captain Kyoraku…" The Shihoin leader's breath hitched. This was bad. Some of the guests turned to eye the eighth squad captain. Captain Unohana rose to her feet and began making her way to the front. The shapeshifter swallowed the lump that was trying to form in her throat and strapped her eyes back on the paper. _'Just do it. Get it over with. How bad can it be?'_

She took a deep breath. "Captain Kyoraku. I enjoyed our night together immensely. I'm sorry for my shitty performance in the sack." Her eye twitched dangerously as the murmuring started. "I am a failure, who doesn't deserve you or your gigantic penis." Then came the sporadic giggling. Yoruichi didn't dare look up. "I'm grateful that you found it in your heart to teach me even though I was inadequate and a pathetic piece of shit." Her teeth clenched. "Perhaps Lady Shiba, my sexual superior, could find it in her heart to instruct me on how to take that massive pipe of yours without crying like a little bitch."

Yoruichi was officially mortified. Behind her, Isane chuckled quietly. A kind gesture when compared to the barbaric cackle Kenpachi let out. She could just picture Kisuke's face…and Shunsui's. _'Kill me now.'_

"You're almost done," Isane encouraged. Yoruichi wanted to turn around and slap her. It was obvious that both women had worked on the speech. Isane's tenderness and timidity mixed with Kukaku's vulgarity. Steeling herself, she continued.

"I love you." She'd read the words before she realized what she was saying. Her golden eyes widened in horror. Shouts of surprise were mixed with outright laughter. "And next time I promise I'll take it up the ass."

Yoruichi slapped a palm to her face. She didn't look up to match the faces with the sounds. She just stood there, her golden eyes burning a hole in the parchment from hell. At least it was over, or so she thought until she felt a soft tap on her shoulder. She turned slowly, her eyes vacant. Isane smiled at her with an expression so close to her captain's that it was scary.

The healer glanced back to her raven-haired accomplice with a nod. "Big Daddy."

Yoruichi just stared, uncomprehending. "Huh?"

"Big Daddy," Isane repeated. "Say it."

The Goddess of Flash turned stiffly back to the crowed. "Big Daddy," she ground out through clenched teeth.

The room was silent for a torturously long moment. Shunsui, for his part, sat with a mixed expression of genuine surprise, or maybe confusion and a hint of smugness.

"Please let me see it!" Rangiku cried, finally breaking the stunned silence.

**Day 1**

Kisuke groaned, shifting his body. "Something's in my back." He reached back sleepily to massage his stiff muscles, his hand coming in contact with skin that was decidedly not his own. Grey eyes cracked open to a blur of white and black. He blinked the fuzziness from his eyes. _'Kaku?'_ he thought upon seeing the mess of black hair partially covered with bandages.

"Sorry. That's my fault," came a decidedly masculine voice from behind him. "It is mornin' though, so ya can't really blame me."

With that, all signs of hangover and drowsiness left the fifth squad captain. Kisuke turned slowly, his dread turning to all out horror as the golden blond locks came into view. "I've been deflowered," he groaned, bringing a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose.

Just then there was a loud yelp. Kukaku, in an attempt to roll over, plummeted from the tree the threesome hadn't remembered they were in. She was yanked to a quick stop by the rope that was tied around her prosthetic arm before it tore off and she hit the ground. The two men watched stunned from their perch on the sturdy branch that had been their bed.

Shiba's arm swung rhythmically above her head as she groaned, rubbing her abused backside. She spotted Kisuke and Shinji above her in their birthday suits, sitting entirely too close for comfort. Kukaku smirked and got to her feet. "You guys are gay." She got to her feet.

"That's not what ya said last night." Shinji smirked, pushing Kisuke off of him and consequently, out of the tree. The only thing that saved the genius from hitting the ground was the rope tied to his leg.

"Yea right," the fireworks expert snorted. "My fucking ass hurts," she continued absently. "My everything hurts."

"Yea, that's probably my fault too," Shinji ginned all out this time. Kukaku raised an eyebrow.

"Or mine," Kisuke added calmly, still dangling upside down from the tree. Only then did the previous night's escapade come back to her…or at least some of it. Enough to know that she'd gotten one hell of a present.

"Well hell!" Kukaku grinned. "Happy birthday to me!"

**FINALLY! We have reached the end of Chapter 9. Did I pull of the whole Isane/Grimmjow thing? I'm kind of interested in what you guys think about this one. I find that in my eagerness to write uncommon pairings, my mouth sometimes writes checks that my ass may not necessarily be able to cash. Lol. Anywho I think It went rather well considering. **

**Thanks to my beta's Mishiko Shinsei and Tomas the Betrayer. You two are the jack to my coke. **

**RANDOM MOMENT: I may be really late discovering this as I am almost completely faithful to Jack, but I recently discovered how F-ing awesome Jagermeister and Root beer is. Why did no one tell me about this before? This got me to thinking; there are probably hundreds of wonderful drinks I haven't tried. AHHHHHHHHH! SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THEY ARE!**

**I usually don't go for "fruity girly awesomeness", but if you say it's good…I'll try it. **

**AND Happy Birthday to any Libras like myself. October 19th YAY! **

**Until next time….**


	12. Back to Basics

"Just pick the damn name!" Yoruichi snapped, checking the time.

"You've been in a pissy mood all week," Ran complained. "I know you're mad about having to make that speech, but you failed your mission. Don't expect us to feel sorry for you."

The blonde placed a hand on her hip. "Anyway I'm the one who should be mad. I didn't get to have my party, and Kukaku banged Kisuke," the blonde huffed, incensed.

All the work that went into Matsumoto's birthday bash at Captain Kyoraku's had gone to waste. Most of the partygoers hadn't left the Shihoin compound until sundown the next evening, and no one had seen Byakuya in days. The general consensus was that the noble had gone into hiding. However rumor had it he had been spotted painting portraits in the artists' district, or racing over the rooftops fighting crime bedecked in a cape and mask. (Yoruichi freely admitted to starting that one).

"It's not like he's yours." The Shiba snorted, hiding her smirk behind a cup of sake'.

"I called dibs." Ran whined. "She really is his favorite."

"Damn right I am." Kukaku grinned, examining her unkempt nails. "I always wondered what it was that kept you coming back." She turned to her oldest friend. "No matter how often you disappeared you could never seem to leave Kisuke behind for good."

She simply shrugged with a fond smile. "He's my best friend."

Shiba snorted. "You mean his _dick_ is your best friend." Golden eyes rolled. "Hey, I'm not judging. I totally get it. He's good. Like 'best I've ever had' good. He's crazy though…like _fucking_ crazy." She sipped her drink gazing dreamily into the distance "Fuckin…crazy…"

"Shut up." Yoruichi huffed.

"We'll see how much you smile when I sleep with Kenpachi." Rangiku threatened. "I'll let you know how great it is."

"Whatever," her new nemesis dismissed the very suggestion with a single word. "I'm on a roll. I can get Ayasegawa whenever I want…"

"That's hardly something to brag about," Lisa interjected.

"That's cuz you haven't tried it." Kukaku shot the visored a grin, before continuing. "Kisuke and Shinji, whose tongue is magical by the way…forget a cherry stem, he could untie the Gordian Knot with that sucker!"

"Okay…" Yoruichi raised a hand.

"…like I would pay him to let me sit on his face on a regular basis."

"Wait. I thought you said you couldn't remember what happened." Matsumoto questioned.

"First of all, I never said I didn't remember _anything_. And second of all…I got in round two the other day." She grinned.

Their fearless leader's scream of horror drowned out the collective gasp of the group.

"You're a whore!" Ran accused, trying to hide her despair behind her anger. That stupid one-armed slut had banged her man _twice_. This was war!

"You wish you were me." The green-eyed noble laughed haughtily.

"I dooooo!" the despairing lieutenant wailed, hiding her face in her palms.

"Ran, drop it. Now can we please get started?" Completely indifferent to her friends' bickering, Yoruichi checked the next name on the list, intent on getting out of there as soon as possible. "Nemu," she announced, "It's your turn. Let's go."

The catfight more-or-less settled down as their video tech made her way to the front. Without a word, she reached in and pulled out a name. "Ichigo," she announced.

A collective gasp equal parts intrigues and jealous resounded from the group. Nemu's pleasure threatened to display itself as the corner of her mouth began to pull slightly upwards. The young hero was arguably the most sought after man in Soul Society. Every woman in that room wanted a piece of Urahara's student and she was no exception.

Orihime was on her feet before she could stop herself, brown eyes wide. "MUTHA FU…"

**Week 9: Nemu Kurotsuchi and Ichigo Kurosaki**

**Mission: Back to Basics – Lights. Camera. Action!**

**Day 1**

Lieutenant Kurotsuchi made her way to the fifth division barracks. Her mission could be completed quickly if the boy didn't put up a fight. In light of recent events, Yoruichi and Rangiku had decided to go 'Back to the Basics'. It was true that some things couldn't be taught, but according to them, any self-respecting woman should know how to give a basic blowjob, and most importantly, how to pleasure herself. Since Nemu was far from inexperienced, her mission was a simple one. Have sex with Ichigo and record it just as all of them had. The catch was, he had to _consent_ to being recorded. Now _that_ could be problematic.

She thought it best to not waste any time. If her father had taught her anything it was never to procrastinate, and Nemu was nothing, if not direct. Someone like Ichigo, who was known to value honesty, wouldn't appreciate being toyed with the way the others did when carrying out their missions. She would just ask him calmly and politely. No need to make a big production out of it. Yoruichi, her collaborator, had agreed.

It wasn't clear how the golden-eyed woman had won the coveted role of being her accomplice. Honestly, she didn't think she needed one, but if it made the cranky shape shifter happy she supposed it couldn't hurt anything.

Her unsuspecting target was almost too easy to locate. You would think that after so long he would have learned at least some control. That obviously was not the case. He still leaked reiatsu like a faucet.

The determined huntress approached the training grounds where Ichigo stood overseeing a dozen or so lower ranked officers.

"Lieutenant Kurosaki," She called. Her flat tone pulled the visored from his instruction.

He smiled amiably, but his confusion was obvious. The robot-like Nemu was rarely seen without her father…captain…by her side. Ichigo held up a hand, signaling for his subordinates to give him a moment.

"I'm sorry to interrupt your training Lieutenant," Kurotsuchi declared upon drawing near. "This well be brief."

Ichigo sighed. "Tell Mayuri, the answer is still no. I'm not letting him cut off any part of my body to see if my hollow will regenerate it." A few of the squad members gasped in surprise.

"That's not why I'm here, but I'll let him know," she replied, face as blank as ever.

"Oh." He looked around nervously. "Soooo…"

"I need to have sex with you. Tonight would be convenient."

It was hard to describe the reaction the statement garnered from its target. To put it in so many words… Ichigo Kurosaki quite simply ceased to be. He stopped moving, any light in his eyes went out, and for once, his overwhelming reiatsu actually disappeared. For all intents and purposes it seemed that he had died on the spot. His spiritual body remained, but life, soul, whatever you want to call it… that was gone.

A full minute passed like this in which nobody moved. Nemu waited patiently for him to respond.

A hell butterfly gracefully landed on the statue's empty orange head. It cleaned its antennae, flapped its wings briskly, then took off. And somehow, that simple contact brought Ichigo back to life.

A few more slow awkward moments passed where the boy stared down at her blankly, as if he wasn't quite sure if he'd heard what he thought he had. His brown eyes widened comically as realization came.

"Ehhhhh?!" he screeched before grabbing her arm and dragging her away from his snickering juniors.

"Way to go, Kurosaki!" one of them yelled.

"Is that not acceptable?" the apathetic woman asked, easily keeping up with the boy's pace. "Any day would be fine really, as long as it's this week."

Ichigo broke out into an all out run, not stopping until his comrades were nothing but specs in the distance. When they came to it was to find themselves somewhere in the outer rings. It was here he finally drew to a halt. _'What the hell is going on with the women around here lately?'_ he wondered. The world was going crazy. He could swear they just passed a traveling musician who looked just like Byakuya. Did anything make sense anymore?

"Is something the matter?"

Nemu's large green eyes studied him. He stared, his mind moving too quickly for him to say anything but, "Huh?"

"You're sweating and I've observed that when you're uncomfortable you tend to scratch the back of your head." She pointed to highlight the habit. Sure enough, that's exactly what he was doing. The boy's mouth fell open. He yanked his hand down to his side.

"What are you talking about?"

"You're not inexperienced," she said, bemused at the visored's flustered reaction.

"In what?" Ichigo asked, suddenly finding it hard to stay focused. Images of a topless Nemu, serving drinks and swinging on that damned pole, invaded his mind.

"Sex," she answered.

Ichigo's face reddened. "H…how do you figure that?" he asked nervously, eyes darting around.

"You are Kisuke Urahara's lieutenant. Surely he has corrupted you by now."

His tanned face blanched. Damn, she was good.

"_You are my student_," his captain had said. Saving the world obviously wasn't enough. More was expected from the disciple of Kisuke Urahara, genius, heartthrob, and master of sin. "_People, especially women, will hold you to a higher standard. And that includes sex. Your purity reflects poorly upon me._"

In the end, Ichigo hadn't been able to withstand the almost constant attempts his teacher had made to get him laid. It had only been once, with a girl whose name, he was sorry to admit, eluded him. No one knew but Renji and Ishida, mostly because Urahara had gotten them too, though Renji's case was different. In Kisuke's opinion, five years was far too long to abstain.

"You will not be disappointed," Nemu assured him when he appeared to have drifted off again.

Ichigo tried to relax as dozens of question ran through his mind. He secured his hands in his pockets lest they betray him again. Before this, he could have counted how many times he'd spoken to Lieutenant Kurotsuchi on Yamamoto's left hand. He wasn't ignorant of the fact that he had a fan club that rivaled Byakuya's, but _she_ didn't seem the type. "What's with the time limit?" he finally asked, curiosity getting the best of him. "It's weird. You sure this isn't some trick of Kurotsuchi's?"

She shook her head. "I assure you it isn't."

His eyes darted around again and Nemu couldn't tell if he was considering her offer or preparing to flee. He hadn't denied her accusations, which meant her hypothesis had been correct. No one could spend that much time with the blond scientist and not be affected, adversely or otherwise. But apparently, whatever experience he had hadn't made him comfortable enough with the opposite sex to accept casual offers of intercourse.

"So you mean to tell me, that you suddenly just felt like having _sex_…" he leaned forward, whispering the word as if he were breaking some law, "with a young man you hardly know?" The erstwhile hero quirked an apprehensive eyebrow.

"I too am young."

Ichigo snorted at that. In Soul Society you had to add a hundred years on to however old someone looked to even be in the ballpark of their actual age, and sometimes you couldn't even rely on that. "How old is young?"

"I was created seventy years ago."

His jaw dropped. She was old enough to be his grandmother.

"Wait. Created?" He'd always known something was different about the twisted captain of the twelfth's lieutenant, but he didn't think she'd actually come right out and say she was a freaking cyborg. "Soooo you're a robot?" he asked honestly curious.

"No," she deadpanned, her expression going from blank to…annoyed? "To put it simply, I am an artificial soul in a gigai. Of course the technology my father used to create me is far more advanced than what is used for standard gigai and mod souls. I was made to be as human as possible."

"But you have drill hands," he blurted. "Sorry," he quickly apologized, his own hands gripped the fabric inside his pockets to keep them from sliding up to his big, dumb head. "So…if I give you one to the gut will a soul candy pop out?"

"No."

The silence that followed was beyond awkward. Nemu gazed off into the distance, trying to formulate a backup plan. The direct approach had not been as effective as she had hoped. Perhaps she should allow him time to think.

"Please give me your answer tomorrow." She turned, heading for her next destination, then decided it would be wise to leave him with something to help with his decision. But what? Her performance at Kukaku's birthday gathering was received rather well. She stopped and turned. "I'll dance for you. I've been practicing some new..."

"Okay," he answered before she could finish.

**Day 2**

Ichigo bounced his head off of his desk as he tried to figure out what had possessed him to agree to have sex with Nemu? It had seemed like a brilliant idea at the time. She'd sucked him in with promises of boobs and pole dancing and now he was too paranoid to even walk by the window. He'd stayed in his captain's office all day hiding from the world hoping maybe she'd forget.

Warily he eyed the clock that hung from the wall. His stomach growled. When Renji had swung by earlier to go grab some lunch he'd declined, using paperwork as the excuse. The other man had promised to bring him something back, but he sure was taking his sweet time. Just then there was a knock at the door.

"Finally!" Like an orange-haired ball of nerves Ichigo bounced from his seat, rushed over and snatched it open.

Nemu gazed up at him calmly.

"Lieutenant Kuros….."

He slammed the door in her face.

Two girls walking by the barracks paused to take in the odd sight of Lieutenant Kurosaki scrambling out a window to go racing madly down the street. They didn't speak on it, just turned and headed in the opposite direction.

**Day 3**

Sneaking through Seireitei proved difficult for Ichigo. On every corner, some starry-eyed officer was there to yell his name at the top of their lungs with a huge grin on their face. Why was he so damn popular? And why they hell had Urahara kicked him out as soon as Kukaku got there? He was ruining his plan to hide and abstain for the rest of his life…and afterlife.

The third division was his destination. Hopefully Renji would let him hide out in his office for a few hours…or days. He moved swiftly, not even stopping when Captain Unohana greeted him amiably. He reached the newly minted captain's quarters in no time.

Taking a quick look over his shoulder, he knocked. No answer.

"Shit!"

Just as he was considering the desperate move of shacking up with Rukia, a blond head poked out of the next office. "If you're looking for Renji, he's not here," Izuru Kira declared, taking in his fellow officer's harried look with a raised eyebrow.

The desperate teen swore in frustration.

"What's the problem?" Kira asked, genuinely worried for his friend.

"I need to hide." The boy's big, brown, frantic eyes pleaded with Izuru.

"From who? Rukia?"

"No," Ichigo snapped. "It doesn't matter, just help me."

The elder death god's perpetually melancholy expression finally gave way to a kind smile. There wasn't a soul that could say no to _that_ face. "I'm going to Hisagi's. Starrk left him with all the work…again. Want to come along?"

Ichigo was desperate. "I'll go. I'll help."

Kira chuckled. "Fine with me."

Kurosaki grabbed his savior by the arm and pulled him all the way to Shuhei's office, which was a mess.

"Kurosaki?" The frazzled young captain glanced up from behind the mountain of forms that covered his desk.

"He said he'd help you if you offer him sanctuary," Kira explained, making his way over to where he knew his friend kept his stash.

Hisagi stopped him. "It's not there. Starrk found it…the useless bastard."

Ichigo had settled on a couch as far from the window as he could get. It wasn't likely that Nemu would hunt him down, but better safe than sorry.

A cup was shoved in his face. He quickly declined. The last thing he needed was to get shitfaced and do something stupid...again.

"You sure?" Kira shook the glass in his face. "You seem a little jumpy."

"Skittish." Shuhei offered. "Besides you said you'd help, and the best way to do that is to get drunk so I can laugh at you."

The scarred captain smirked even as Ichigo glared angrily at him. "And how is that going to help?"

Hisagi shrugged. "I like entertainment while I work."

It barely took thirty minutes to get Ichigo in to a state of total inebriation. Pathetic. But, to his credit, Kira tended to be a little heavy handed when mixing drinks. Whether it was purposeful when dealing with the strawberry, was debatable. The boy's eyes were low and his cheeks flushed. "I…I bet ya can't guess th…that I'm gonna to have sex with Kurotsuchi?" he slurred.

"Say what?" Kira's head whirled around to the boy who'd slid halfway off his seat.

They'd known it was only a matter of time before the floor show that was Drunk Ichigo would start. What they hadn't anticipated however, was their young friend's plans to park his yacht in the sick scientist's hairy harbor, or vice versa.

"Come again." Hisagi cocked an eyebrow. Perhaps he'd heard wrong…he prayed he'd heard wrong.

"But it has ta be this week. Ap…apparently there's some kinda deadline. Thas why I'm hidin'." He finally rolled onto the floor and stared at the ceiling. "I bet you can't guess that."

The two now quite traumatized shinigami, moved to stand over their inebriated friend. The sorry excuse for a shinigami looked up, his vision warped from the drinks, and laughed. "You two look stupid."

"Did you just say you were going to have sex with Captain Kurotsuchi?" Shuhei asked, getting straight to the point. This was way too serious…and disgusting to beat around the bush.

"Thas jus gross." Ichigo frowned, then grinned, then rolled onto his stomach and started making floor angels. "Does it ever snow here?"

"Ichigo!" The spiky-haired man snapped. "Focus!"

"Nemu's a…a seventy year old stripper and she wants to have sex with me cuz I'm young and cool." He pushed up on his elbows. "She's a rapist I think."

Thankfully, Shuhei was fluent in drunk Ichigo, or 'Drichigo' as they called it, so the boy's poor excuse for an explanation was not lost on him. Hisagi smirked. Now that he was sure Ichigo wasn't planning on having relations with a killer clown from outer space, he could appreciate the hilarity of the situation.

"A seventy year old rapist?" He met Kira's amused glance, who had caught on as well. Now it was time to have some fun.

Kurosaki nodded, rolled over, then pushed up on his hands and knees, swayed drunkenly and tipped to the side. "I'll be a grandmother fucker. She's a cyborg though, I think."

Kira held in his laughter. "You're probably right." Renji was going to be pissed he missed this.

"I wonder if her insides are mental…METAL." Ichigo quickly corrected, pointing a finger at Hisagi before he could make fun of his error. "That would hurt my peter."

"Definitely would hurt your peter," Shuhei nodded.

"Good ole Peter," Kira snickered.

"Yo," a voice came from the open window. Grimmjow stood there shirtless, looking even more irritated than usual. "You seen that feather wearin' bastard? That fruity shit took my fuckin' uniform. I know he's probably puttin' some gay shit on it." Only after completing his rant did he notice Ichigo sprawled on the floor. "What's up with him?"

"He's drunk," Kira smirked and Grimmjow grinned.

"And you weren't even gonna call me." No one got as much joy out of harassing Ichigo when he was drunk than Grimm. Aside from fighting, it was his favorite pastime.

"By the way," the blond smirked. "Have you met Peter?"

"The fuck is Peter?" A turquoise eyebrow crept upwards. "Hey, shithead!"

"Lieutenant Shithead," the drunk corrected, before jumping to his feet and performing a perfect leg sweep on an unsuspecting Kira. "Ha!" he taunted as his friend hit the floor.

The shirtless arrancar cackled loudly. How could you not love this kid? He leisurely hopped through the window and stared down at the Izuru.

"Kurosaki was just telling us about his plans to have sex Kurotsuchi," the third squad lieutenant explained, eagerly awaiting the former espada's reaction. He was not disappointed.

"The FUCK!" Blue's voice raised a couple octaves. "You a sword swallower now?"

In response Ichigo took a staggering, incredibly slow, swing at him and would have fallen face first to the floor if the panther-Hollow hadn't caught him by the wrist.

"I'm not a carney you shithead."

Grimmjow easily lifted the inebriated youth off his feet and put him on his back, laughing at the feminine yelp of pain that escaped him. "I don't have time to play around with you cock gobblers tonight. I gotta find Yumichika and beat the glitter out of him…unless you wanna help. How 'bout it strawberry fuck face?"

The sex fugitive stood on wobbly legs. "I'm not going anywhere with you." He swayed slowly. "I'm going to have sex with a grandma, and I hate idiots so..." He looked seriously to each one of the confused faces.

"You mean grand_father_ don't you?" Grimm snorted with disgust. "Well good luck with that." He shrugged before jumping back out the window, already growing bored with his rival's antics. He needed some ass, and soon.

Ichigo's hands balled to fists. "Come back here you tree-sprayer…piss..."

"Calm down." Hisagi placed a hand on the Kurosaki's shoulder, but it was immediately shrugged off. Ichigo spun overdramatically swatting at the young captain like a bug.

He easily evaded the first few attacks, but eventually he was caught in the face by one of the flailing limbs.

"Son of a…" Hisagi grabbed the boy's arms. "Stop being so damn violent."

With a hard jerk of his body Ichigo pulled free of Shuhei's grasp and fell to his ass. "Screw this." The boy executed a perfect backwards roll out the door before either man could make a move to stop him.

-o0o-

Ichigo leaned against the door of his home in a poor attempt at nonchalance. The walk over had sobered him a little, but not enough. He pondered the numerous bits of advice his captain had given him over the years about women and sex.

'_Accentuate your best features.'_ He thought. _ 'Honesty is best…except when it's not. Don't hit the cervix too hard. Make sure she gives you the money first. Running from Yoruichi is pointless. Don't lose the key to the handcuffs. Always share with your captain. Wait until she's asleep to start any experimentation. Make sure that the hole you're entering is the hole you're supposed to be in.'_

He shook his head. It was all too confusing. What was his best asset? He couldn't figure something that difficult out on such short notice. He would need at least a week. His zanpakuto maybe? It was bigger than everybody else's.

He seriously doubted they would end up fighting, but if they did his first choice would be to hit her in the face…not her cervix. That didn't even make any sense. The boy was so preoccupied with his thoughts that he didn't notice the front door sliding open.

He stumbled in.

"Welcome home. Would you like a drink?"

"No thanks," he responded back slipping off his shoes in the hallway. "Those jerks already got me smashed once today."

"Understood."

Ichigo continued to ponder the problem as he made his was deeper into the house.

"I have put in an official notice of convalescence for you the rest of the evening. No one will bother us."

"Thanks," he sighed gratefully while stumbling down the hall. At times like this it was really nice to have a housemaid.

_'Ichigo?'_

He blinked in surprise. Hey, old man Zangetsu! What brings you…?

_'You don't have a housemaid.'_

"Shall we begin, then?"

Ichigo looked behind him uncomprehending. "Huh?"

The gentle click of the door closing sent the tipsy lieutenant into a mild panic.

That was because there stood Nemu, barely dressed in a skimpy French maid outfit. Her legs were in black fishnet stockings that seemed to demand you peel them off, and the frilly crinoline skirt was so short it only just covered her anatomy. Her luscious cleavage swelled out of the low-cut shoulderless bodice. There was even a little cap, and a feather duster held loosely in one hand. With her immobile face she looked like an erotic dress-up doll. When she stepped towards him he actually got a flash of her panties. He shook his head trying to clear the lingering fog from his brain.

"Is something wrong?" Nemu moved past and motioned for him to follow. He did just that, walking dumbly behind her and absently noting that her hair hung loose around her shoulders instead of in its usual braid.

"I'm scared," the boy whispered, his mind too occupied with trying to figure out how this had happened to think of stopping himself. He immediately realized his gaffe. _'Shit! Be cool.'_ "…of absolutely nothing, because I kick ass."

Thankfully the expressionless woman seemed to not notice his strange behavior. Ichigo breathed a sigh of relief. _'Nice save.'_

"I'm going to record this. Will that be okay?"

"Sure thing." The comment was made so casually and Ichigo was so lost in his thoughts that he readily agreed. A moment later though…

"Wait." He stopped mid stride. "_This_ what? There is no _this_…or that. What do you mean record?"

Nemu answered coolly, ignoring the boy's obvious alarm. "I plan to capture our encounter on a device called a video camera. It…"

"I know what record means," he interrupted. "I mean _why_?"

"For later viewing." Though she neglected to mention that during said viewing, she would be in the company of practically every woman in Sereitei; it wasn't technically a lie.

He supposed that wasn't such a bad idea. Truth be told, he wouldn't mind a later viewing himself. _'Maybe I could start a collection. Oh god! I really have been around Urahara too long.'_

He was pulled from his perverted thoughts when Nemu commanded him to sit. He complied without thought. Only after he was comfortably nestled into the surprisingly plush couch did he realize that his own private wet dream had chosen that moment to disrobe. Teenage hormones raged out of control as even more of her bare flesh was brought to his eager attention. Ichigo's head told him to get up and get the hell out of there, but his other head told him to stay his happy ass where he was. The second idea seemed strangely more appealing.

Just like at Kukaku's party, Nemu didn't strip completely. Throughout the whole process he couldn't take his eyes off her. A black g-strings was the only thing that remained on her flawless body. Little sequins on the front read, 'I Love Science'. Ichigo decided then and there that he did too.

Seemingly out of nowhere, music started. The female death god moved to stand between her victim's legs. He stared up with awe. Surprisingly, his focus was on her face and not her breasts that hovered perkily above his head. Wordlessly, she placed her hands on his chest, pushing him back and straddling his waist. Ichigo watched with wide hungry eyes, his hands gripping the couch cushions to keep from reaching up to hold her waist. He was hard before she even started moving.

Slowly, her hips began rolling to the soft beat. One hand slid behind the boy's head while the other seized one of his hands and placed it on her back. He was nervous, but not nervous enough to stop from reaching down to rest his fingers on her firm rear. For her part, Nemu was please. Perhaps this wouldn't be as difficult as she'd thought. The way things were looking now she'd have sex with him tonight and be done with it.

The sound of the front door opening grabbed the gyrating lieutenant's attention. It was most likely Yoruichi, who was supposed to have been there an hour ago. Thankfully, Ichigo was more concerned with her rotating hips than his surroundings. Needless to say, when his purple haired former teacher walked into the room he didn't even notice.

Nemu turned, placing a finger over her lips as the captain's eyes widened and her mouth fell open. She nodded in obedience, but moved steadily closer despite the steely look she was receiving.

Yoruichi watched as her partner pulled the boy's head deeper into her bosom, perhaps a little too deep.

"Uhh," Ichigo's muffled voice, interrupted the pair's silent exchange. "This is awesome, but I kinda can't breathe…or see?" He tried to pull away.

"You don't need to see," Nemu scolded absently, keeping her hold on his head. Yoruichi, who was now close enough to touch them, didn't appear as if she had any intention of leaving and Nemu had no doubt that the young hero would run for the hills if he knew they had an audience.

Meanwhile Ichigo realized she was right, and decided it was time to get serious. Nemu started when a light smack was delivered to her backside.

The voyeur cackled loudly, eyes widening at her accidental outburst. Her hand flew to her mouth instinctively in an attempt to mute the sound. Apparently Nemu had a similar idea. The back of the scientist's hand connected with Yoruichi's face with the force of twelve Kenpachis, to send her sailing across the room.

With his temptress temporarily distracted Ichigo was able to slip free of her freakishly strong grip. His head snapped frantically in the direction of the unexpected yet familiar voice. He saw nothing, but the loud crash seconds later drew his gaze to the far side of the room. He jumped to his feet, dumping Nemu unceremoniously onto the floor.

"Yoruichi?!"

Dressed in jeans and a spaghetti-strap top, the lady in question sat up with a hand pressed to her throbbing nose. Golden eyes went straight to the tent in her former student's hakama, even as she winced from pain caused by the wooden table she landed on, and consequentially broke. "Not bad." She winked, and Ichigo's cock twitched despite his mortification. Not that he'd never noticed it before, but in that moment he was willing to admit that Yoruichi was totally fuckable.

The two ladies stared each other down and for a split second Ichigo allowed his mind to wander to a place where Nemu walked over to Yoruichi and shoved her tongue down her throat. The cat woman rolled the lieutenant's pert nipples between her chocolate fingers. His fantasy quickly dissipated as logic reared its ugly cock-blocking head.

This was the real world.

The two women's critical stares made his raging erection wither like a dying rose. His heart rate and breathing picked up. _'Shit. Shit. Shit. What the hell am I doing?'_

Sweat beaded on his forehead as he searched the room for an exit. The closest window was closed, but the one across the room behind Yoruichi was open. He would never make it. He was fast, but not _that_ fast. The demon cat wasn't one for letting someone escape an embarrassing situation unscathed.

As his anxiety built he remembered Urahara's words, _'Running from Yoruichi is pointless.'_ He decided to try his luck.

"Fuck it." In the blink of an eye, he was gone.

**Day 4**

Yoruichi peered down from the roof at the obviously retarded boy from the roof, this time making sure to keep quiet. Though she hadn't expressly complained, the shapeshifter could tell that Nemu was not happy about the way the plug was pulled on her little rendezvous. Honestly, she couldn't believe he was there. He'd seemed so horrified the night before, and the kid had always been funny when it came to women, so you could imagine her surprise when she spotted a very suspicious-looking Ichigo creeping in the direction of the mod soul's residence. Nemu had obviously used the little bit of time she _did_ get, wisely.

The Lady of Shihoin cut on the recorder, making sure to keep her head low, but then something was gnawing on her ass. A silky smooth hand covered her mouth, effectively stopping the F-bomb she had been about to drop in its tracks. A wordless scuffle ensued until Rangiku's blonde locks came into view. The blonde giggled silently at Yoruichi's annoyed expression.

"We came to keep you company," Matsumoto whispered.

"Yeah right. You came to look at Ichigo." The camera woman's head snapped back. A grinning Kukaku hovered over her rear and a wary looking Nel crouched off to the side.

The arrancar raised her hands in innocence. "I didn't touch you. I swear," she whispered.

Golden eyes rolled and landed back on her bandaged friend. "Get away from me you ass biter."

"What the hell was that?" the boy below said. The women froze.

For his part, Ichigo did his best to look nonchalant. Russet eyes cautiously surveyed the area. He couldn't risk being seen like this.

Once he felt sure that the coast was indeed clear, the clandestine culprit shoved his robe into the empty bag that hung from his shoulder. He could almost physically feel the alcohol he'd consumed moving through his body. With one last glance around he tossed the bag into some nearby bushes and pounded the door with his fist. The ladies above him crept as close as they dared to the edge of the roof, curious as to what exactly their beloved young darling was doing.

"Open up," he demanded in a stern voice.

No response.

He'd known he was taking a chance coming unannounced, and despite the fact that he really wanted to believe he was more than a pervert in training, the simple fact was that Ichigo had thought of nothing but Nemu's boobs all day. He wasn't crazy about being recorded, but talking himself into it had been surprisingly easy. The boy looked down at his apparel. Perhaps he'd taken it a bit far. He was no authority on porn, but thanks to Kisuke he'd seen his fair share. There was always some dorky storyline and since Kurotsuchi had not given him explicit detail he'd taken it upon himself to come up with a little something.

He pounded again. "Police!" he shouted.

Yoruichi and the others watched dumbfounded wondering just what exactly had Nemu told him?

The door finally opened and his chest pounded when Nemu appraised him without any trace of alarm. "Officer?" Her voice was just as emotionless as ever.

He fidgeted a moment, giving the woman a quick once over, before reciting the line he'd spent hours practicing. "Officer Spankalicious. Dicky Spankalicious." He'd spent all day coming up with that name. "Did someone report an emergency?"

Ichigo gave the bored looking woman a severe look and reached for his utility belt, placing a hand over the red dildo that replaced the baton.

The green-eyed woman cocked her head. "No."

Her response threw him. This wasn't the way it had gone in his mind. Who gets rejected for prearranged sex? "I think you've got raccoons on your roof." He said the first thing that popped into his head. Bad idea.

"They're my pets." She nodded her thanks and then Officer Spankalicious was staring at the door.

**Day 5**

"What did you tell him?" Rangiku dipped her finger into a bowl of grape scented clear goo.

She and Yoruichi had decided, after witnessing the train wreck the night before, that perhaps there had been some kind of misunderstanding.

Nemu sat with perfect posture, legs crossed at the ankles and hands neatly in her lap. She was just as befuddled as they were. When had Ichigo become a law enforcement agent of the human world? She wasn't familiar with the rigors of such a position, but was fairly certain that one, even one as determined as the Kurosaki boy, could not juggle the responsibilities of such a job with those of being a shinigami.

"Pertaining to what?"

"The mission!" the blonde all but screeched. "Come on. Officer Spankalicious?" she could barely utter the name without cracking a smile. "What the heck was that about? It was like a bad porno."

Nemu blinked. "I don't know." When her guests remained silent she continued. "I informed Lieutenant Kurosaki that it was imperative that I have sex with him this week…"

"Oh, god," Yoruichi's head dropped into her waiting palm.

Their oblivious host did not miss a beat. "He did not immediately accept the offer, but, as I predicted, his hormones helped him overcome whatever reservations might have existed. He came two nights ago, at which time I informed him that our encounter would be recorded. His desire to put his face in my breasts outweighed his fear of being captured on film, but Captain Shihoin's presence scared him off before anything of significance could occur." Her already blank expression dropped even further, clearly conveying her annoyance. "That is all."

The very awkward silence that followed this quite thorough explanation was made more pronounced by the muffled laughter of an unidentified person outside the back window. Nel, who had until that moment been successfully eavesdropping on her captain's little meeting, ducked down as three pairs of eyes shifted her way.

Yoruichi rolled her eyes in annoyance as a green head bobbed in the window.

"Lieutenant Odelschwanck," Nemu called. The head froze. "If you lower yourself approximately five inches, your location will cease to be known."

The lime locks immediately disappeared from view and a quick thumbs-up of thanks replaced it.

"Bad porno!" Matsumoto exclaimed. Her twinkling blue orbs moving from one woman to the other. "Officer Spankalicious!"

They stared back uncomprehendingly.

"It's a porn name." she explained. "He thinks you're making a porno."

The president's revelation, while earth shattering for Yoruichi, was completely lost on Nemu, who, despite acknowledging the blonde's apparently accurate analysis with an understanding nod, had no clue what a porno was.

-o0o-

A firefighter. After giving it probably a little too much thought, Ichigo had decided. He'd been able to sneak off to the human world to purchase supplies while his captain had been busy in his lab. The shorts were way too small for comfort, but the creepy woman in the store had repeatedly assured him that he looked "edible", so he supposed it would be ok since it was for a special occasion.

In his overzealousness, he had dressed long before he intended on putting his plan into action, leaving him sitting in his room topless. The loose fitting fireman pants and suspenders were ok, but the yellow and black underwear he wore underneath hugged his balls tighter than a clam with lockjaw. He told himself that he wouldn't drink tonight…that he wouldn't drink ever again. It hadn't stopped Nemu from closing the door in his face the night before. Nothing good ever came from it and Renji and the others always made stories up about the shit he'd done, but could rarely remember.

"No matter how nervous I am," he told himself, smothering his orange locks with the yellow fireman's hat. Time moved annoyingly slow. His black boot tapped impatiently on the wooden floor.

"Ughhh!" He jumped from his seat, and made his way to the window. All was peaceful, or at least it seemed to be. He was sure that somewhere Rangiku was drunk, her massive breasts threatening to spill from her ill-fitting shihakusho. How his captain had been able to withstand her almost nonstop advances for the past few days was beyond him. Where women were concerned, Kisuke rarely exercised his otherwise indestructible self-control. Perhaps he was enjoying being pursued so relentlessly by someone as sought after as the tenth division lieutenant. Urahara loved games.

Ichigo checked the clock again. Five minutes had barely passed. A cool breeze from the direction of the Kuchiki manor, brought to mind the raven-haired noble, who had no doubt been so mortified by his heinous display at the party he had probably committed hara-kiri days ago. Ichigo barely remembered the incident himself, but had heard more than his fair share about it. He shrugged. If Byakuya was dead Yachiru would find him soon enough.

He smiled and not for the first time thought that maybe the pink-haired girl was more qualified to be the Commander of the Stealth Forces than anyone else.

Rukia was probably trying to find an excuse to hang around (and ultimately fawn over) Kensei; who as far as Ichigo could tell, had less interest in her than he had in the mating rituals of alpaca. Captain Unohana was probably somewhere still pretending she wasn't a serial killer. And Orihime, the little stalker, was most likely under his bed.

There was always something strange going on. Ichigo had discovered early on that the court of pure souls was anything but. Behind the pristine white walls of Seireitei lay a veritable Sodom and Gomorrah. Until now, he had been a silent observer.

He sighed again, his eyes traveling to the drawer that held his laughably small stash of alcohol.

Twenty minutes and three shots later Lieutenant Kurosaki was a hair past tipsy and sweating. It was like he was wearing pants made of plastic wrap. He shrugged out of the suspenders, letting the too big pants fall to the floor and giving his suffocating buns some much needed air.

"Whoa! You need some sun on those cheeks Ichigo?"

Kurosaki froze, but only for a second, before making a desperate attempt to remove himself from view and ridicule. However, something was restricting his movement. His leg moved up and down in perfect mimicry of a cricket as he tried to free his foot from the pants that held his legs like a bear trap, and then he was falling.

'_How? _

_Why?'_

As his practically naked body hit the floor his hands instinctively went to cover his peach ass.

"What the hell!" he finally screeched. "TATSUKI?" He scrambled to pull his pants up, even as his childhood friend keeled over with laughter. "What the hell?" he yelled again, his face turning tomato red. He'd have liked nothing better than for the floor to open up and swallow him, but since that was as unlikely as Urahara becoming celibate, he decided on the next best option: a good old fashioned curse out.

He stood and made his way to the open window, preparing to demonstrate just what he'd learned spending all that time with Grimmjow when something occurred to him…something horrible. "ARE YOU DEAD?"

-o0o-

Thankfully, Arisawa was still very much alive. Apparently she'd come at the request of Orihime who had been harassing her for some time about having a girls night and decided to stop by. He didn't think too much about why they couldn't hang out in the human world or why someone as lofty as Captain Unohana would go out of her way to get approval for her to come to there; he just wanted her away from him.

At least it had been her and not Renji or even worse, Grimmjow. She'd bust his balls about it for a while, but she wouldn't tell anyone. Still, the humiliation of having Tatsuki see him in practically his birthday suit would haunt him for the rest of his life. If he had any sense he would have taken off the ridiculous costume and given up on his mission, but some unexplainable, unseen force pulled at the sleeping sex beast within him like the call of the wild. One very quiet, raven-haired vixen monopolized Ichigo's thoughts.

For the third time that week he stood in front of a certain sexy science experiment's door dressed like a member of the Village People.

"This better work," he mumbled to himself. There was no way his ego would survive if he was rejected again.

Just as he had the night before, he glanced around cautiously, shed his robe and tossed his small bag into the bushes. Thinking he heard voices inside, he paused before his fist made contact with the door and listened. Nemu wasn't known to associate with anyone aside from her father (and on occasion Isane), and rumor had it a certain blue-haired arrancar was having a late night tea party with their friendly neighborhood healer. So after a moment he went ahead and knocked.

She took her sweet time coming to the door. It was almost as if she _wanted_ him to get caught looking like a fool. Eventually the door slid open revealing his beautifully robotic hostess. He didn't drop character even when she eyed his costume with mild curiosity. His lips curled up in a pretty good impression of Captain Kyoraku's _I-know-you-want-to-fuck-me_ smile.

"I'm Sergeant Dangler, did someone report a fire?" His pectorals moved one after the other in quick succession, seemingly of their own volition, a skill he had found little use for before now. Renji was good for something after all.

Her green eyes moved from the young man's face to study his percolating pecs.

'_Ha!'_ Ichigo laughed inwardly. _'It's working.'_

His victory was short lived.

"No."

His expression dropped. How much embarrassment can a boy handle in one night? Suddenly Ichigo was even more aware of how stupid he looked. He didn't get it. Hadn't she been the one to approach him?

Sweat ran down his legs. _'Damn these insulated pants,'_ he thought. Maybe it was for the best. _'My balls probably taste like saltines by now anyway.'_ No woman in her right mind would want them in her mouth at this point.

"How many jobs do you have, Lieutenant Kurosaki?" Her monotone voice interrupted his sulking session.

Ichigo picked up his head, not realizing until then that he had dropped it. "Huh?"

"That uniform is ill equipped for fighting fires. Your reiatsu is strong, but I doubt it's strong enough to protect your skin from 900 degree flames."

He stood speechless as the strange woman gave him a polite bow and slid the frame closed.

His eyes narrowed. "See, this is that bullshit."

**Day 6**

"I give up," Kurosaki told to himself for the hundredth time. "No ass is worth that much trouble."

That's what Grimm would say, and this would be one of the few times when he would have to agree with him. Chasing after girls wasn't his style anyway, not that he ever had to. Lately there was always a member of the opposite sex waiting for their chance to either throw themselves at or fawn over him.

"Maybe I'll visit the old man." He hadn't been to see his dad and sisters in weeks, and more importantly, it would give him some much needed time away from the mentally unstable lot he was surrounded by daily.

He jumped to his feet, wanting to leave as soon as possible when there was a knock at his door. Probably Renji.

He snatched the screen open. "What?" The tattooed captain was nowhere in sight. Instead there stood Nemu Kurotsuchi…again.

If Ichigo had half a brain he would have told her to fuck off and slammed the door in her face, but as he often liked to prove, he was an idiot.

She stared at him a moment, her hand neatly clasped behind her back. Ichigo stared right back.

"Forgive me," her eyes momentarily sought out the floor. "I've forgotten your name."

"You…." He stopped short. Nemu had delivered the final and most devastating blow.

Her voice brought him back. "Officer Dingleberry, or was it Captain Hanging Penis?"

Ichigo's face paled, and then reddened. Judging by the deathly serious expression on the woman's face he concluded that she was _not_ making a joke, assuming that she was even capable of such a thing. Kurosaki cleared the growing embarrassment from his throat, unable to notice, much less appreciate, the hilarity of the situation. His tormentor's emerald eyes watched him expectantly.

"Sergeant Dangler," he mumbled, still not sure why he hadn't just slammed the door in her face and wacked it until he got carpal tunnel.

She smiled…maybe, and nodded. "Yes, my apologies, Sergeant Dangler. It seems there has been some type of misunderstanding. The fault is completely my own." She paused and Ichigo stared, his embarrassment being nudged aside by a growing irritation.

"We will make a pornographic film tonight. Pornography is when two or more people engage in the act of sexual intercourse while being filmed. Occasionally costumes are worn. I believe it's called role playing," she informed him, regurgitating almost verbatim what Yoruichi and Rangiku had told her the night of the fictional fire. A folded piece of paper was offered and Ichigo took it without thinking. "I'll expect you at ten."

She bowed courteously and left the boy alone in his doorway to contemplate her offer. He would come. She was sure of it.

Nemu breathed a sigh of relief. When Matsumoto and Captain Shihoin had explained the situation to her she had been horrified. It wasn't often she made mistakes. With her father, the consequences for even the smallest error were often extreme. Of course that wasn't Ichigo's nature, but the fact still remained that she did not relish making them. Thankfully, the young lieutenant was as gracious as always, maintaining his confused expression so as to not place undue blame.

'_He really is kind.'_

Ichigo unfolded the multiple pieces of paper.

"A script?"

He shut the door and moved back to his bed. She was really going all out for this. He flipped idly through the pages, not noticing the multiple different handwritings, and that was when he saw it.

"What the hell kind of name is that?!"

-o0o-

It hadn't been too hard to make a maintenance man costume; blue jeans, white tank top and a tool belt. The last item he'd been able to borrow from Urahara along with a nice sized toolbox that he'd conveniently filled with lube a dildo, and other potentially useful party favors.

At first he'd been a little disappointed with the whole repairman thing. Couldn't she have thought of something cooler, like…he could have been a sex robot named Slingatron. Ichigo shrugged. It didn't really matter. She would probably forget all that she'd said and not let him in again. Yet, at a quarter to ten, he was leaving the fifth division barracks. The only thing he had to worry about now was keeping a straight face while saying his lines. Seriously, reading that poor excuse for a script, you would think that Nemu had never had sex in her life.

In practically no time at all the leading man was approaching the twelfth division. He was a little early so he performed what had become his ritual the last few days. If she closed the door in his face this time, Kisuke's rules be damned, he was hitting her in the cervix as hard as he could.

Inside the twelfth squad lieutenant's living quarters, Nel squealed giddily. He was here. She was actually going to get to see Ichigo have sex, which was the next best thing to actually being able to do it with him herself. This was going to be three different levels of awesome. She wondered how big he was, then giggled knowing that in moments she would be finding out.

The green-haired arrancar had literally gotten on her knees and begged her captain to let her stay. The werecat hadn't agreed until she'd gotten a friendly reminder from their blonde friend that none of them _really_ needed to stay since Nemu's apartment was equipped with a top of the line surveillance system. She could carry out the mission on her own.

Finally there was a knock at the door. Yoruichi and Rangiku grinned. It was showtime.

"Please try not to interrupt," was all their dispassionate hostess said before leaving to answer the door.

"Kukaku's gonna miss it," Nel laughed, dashing into Nemu's bedroom and almost crashing into the tripod that stood in the middle of the floor. The rest of the group was right behind her.

Rangiku's perfectly arched eyebrows wagged at her friends before she slipped under the bed. The mirror that leaned up against the wall beside the bed would give her a perfect view. Nel slipped into a rather large chest, that was located conveniently in front of the bed, after tossing the contents haphazardly in the corner and Yoruichi deposited herself in the closet just as she heard their young hero's voice.

"Good evening miss. I'm Maxx Slickbooty." He coughed to disguise his laugh. That name was the worst.

Rangiku almost lost it. Sometimes Yoruichi was brilliant.

"Thank you for coming on such short notice, Mr. Slickbooty." Nemu's attire was completely normal. For a living human housewife, that is. Which she clearly wasn't, and perhaps therein lay the appeal. She had on khakis, a thin sweater with the top button undone, and even an apron, for crying out loud! How something so every-day could become so smolderingly sexy on this lady simply defied any logic.

Ichigo recited his lines. "What can I do for you?"

"It's my pipes."

Mr. Slickbooty nodded, absently noting what appeared to be cameras in almost every corner of the ceiling. Perhaps Mayuri had footage of his daughter from conception to this very moment. Even such a revolting thought could not deter him, though.

"They really need a good cleaning. Hopefully you can do a better job than the others. They just couldn't get deep enough. Disappointing." Nemu's voice was as unenthusiastic as ever, but Ichigo couldn't help the little smirk that crept on his face. She was all roboty and cute. Or maybe it was the effects of the cognac he'd swiped from his captain.

Back in the bedroom, trio of peeping Toms peeked out from their hiding spaces.

"Are they coming?" Nel mouthed. The blonde shrugged.

They crept single file down the hall. Though none of them wanted to be caught, and potentially skinned by Nemu, they couldn't just _not_ see what was going on.

"Deeper."

Ichigo grunted. "Like this?"

"Harder. Ram it in there."

"What the hell?" Rangiku's nose wrinkled, but the corner of her mouth curled upwards.

"Maybe it's not big enough."

"It's big enough," the boy snapped.

"Try using the other end," Nemu suggested.

"What other end? " Nel gasped, panicked. "There's another end? Why am I just finding this out?"

Her captain's head snapped around, a brown finger on her full lips. Her eyes screamed "Shut the fuck up!"

Nel fearfully complied.

Suddenly there was a loud clang. The three creepers froze, then ran the rest of the way. Had they broken the sink?

Slowly, golden eyes peered around the corner and into the kitchen. Ichigo was flat on his back, Nemu on her knees beside him. Yoruichi's eyes widened. "What the fuck?" Her voice was barely a whisper, but the lackluster lieutenant's head turned slowly to regard her.

Yoruichi's mouth moved but no sound came out. _What are you doing?_

Nemu looked to Ichigo and back. "He's cleaning my pipes."

"Huh?" Kurosaki shouted, his head buried in the cabinet beneath the sink. He was ignored.

Why was Captain Shihoin interfering again? Had she made another mistake? She had followed the script exactly. After they had completed their lines Matsumoto had written clear instructions in big bold handwriting, "LET HIM CLEAN YOUR PIPES!" She had never found joy in such an activity before, but she supposed that with Kurosaki it might be possible.

Hypothesis incorrect.

"Awww they aren't even doing it." Nel's shoulders slumped in dejection. "Trickery."

"Nemu!" Rangiku said in the loudest whisper any of them had ever heard upon seeing how much nothing was going on. "Put his dick in your mouth this minute!" She stomped a foot for emphasis.

To some, the dour lieutenant's best quality was her unquestioning obedience. Rangiku, Yoruichi, and Nel would add themselves to that list, because not a second after the command had been given the handyman's pants were being tugged down and her mouth was descending on his sleeping penis.

"Oh shit!" Ichigo sat up fast, his head hitting the inside of the cabinet so hard it cracked the wood. He fell back with a grunt. She was aggressive…really aggressive and good…damn good. Not that he had much to compare her to.

His back ached where the bottom of the cabinet dug in, but he endured it like any warm-blooded male would under similar circumstances. His eyes struggled to stay open as he gingerly pulled his head up to look down on his co-star who was hard at work. She must have felt his eyes on her because inexpressive, yet oddly alive, green orbs pinned him down while she continued to bob and suck like she was born for that one purpose. He squirmed a little, arching his back in an attempt to get at least a little relief. Nemu was a step ahead of him. She quickly lifted and yanked her lover by the waist freeing him from the dark cubbyhole, her head continuing its up and down movement.

"Shiiiit," he groaned, lifting his hips and driving his member so deep in her throat her forehead touched his stomach. Unable to fight it any longer, his eyes finally fluttered closed.

Her tongue snaked down the underside of the boy's cock, past her lips and onto his balls. Slowly, tactfully she guided each of his testicles into her mouth as well, and then she was bobbing again. Up, down, up, down.

"She's good," Nel whispered.

"Shit. Shit. Shit." Ichigo's body jerked and his head bounced off the floor. He didn't seem to notice.

Nemu continued her slow movement, her lips clenched tightly as to not let anything slip out. Seven minutes had passed. _'He would be reaching orgasm any moment.'_

Hypothesis correct.

"Fuck!" Ichigo palmed the back of the woman's head and snapped his hips upwards, shooting warm liquid down her throat. "Nghh. Shiiit." She didn't struggle against his hand, but waited for him to ride out the wave of his climax. Finally, he went limp and his arm fell to his side.

Nel squealed into her palm. Mr. Slickbooty was perfect. His size, his lips, the noises he made when he came, his slightly damp tank top, his shoe laces, his cuticles. Everything. She was fairly sure her ovaries had exploded. As quick, and truth be told, boring as the blowjob had been, the fact that it was Ichigo made it earth-shatteringly hot.

The temporary maintenance man panted quietly on the floor. _'She swallowed,'_ was his first coherent thought. After a few moments of rest he sat up, and without a word arched over to untie the white apron. As he pulled it off Nemu was already removing her sweater. It was all very sexy and porn-like he thought. The mod soul wore no bra and for that Ichigo was grateful. Urahara could pop them off with one swift flick of his fingers, Ichigo however, could not.

The woman sat stock still as he stripped away her khakis and Ichigo took in the sight as if it was his first time seeing it. Somehow it was different without the deafening music and a room full of drunken idiots whooping and hollering. It was almost romantic if he ignored the total lack of expression on the beauty's face.

"You're really pretty." As soon as the words left his mouth he realized how uncool it had sounded.

"I believe that was my captain's intention."

The odd reply gave the boy pause. Someone wasn't used to getting compliments. It was kind of sad. "Most people would say thank you," he said with a sideways smile. Before she could find a suitable response Ichigo's lips were on hers. They were soft and gentle and cautious. Just a peck, and then the orange head was moving south towards the breasts that had occupied his thoughts the majority of the week. He paid each one special attention. Shyly kissing and sucking each one.

"I want to fuck his brains out," Matsumoto whispered. She looked to her slack-jawed companions who all nodded dumbly. "Like seriously. I have puddles in my shoes I'm so wet."

"Innocence is sexy," Yoruichi shrugged.

"He said she was pretty," Nel whined. "I wanna be pretty too."

"You're pretty," her captain reassured.

"He's a gentleman," Rangiku whimpered finally tearing her eyes from the scene unfolding in the kitchen. "He's a gentlemaaaaaaaan." The blonde bounced up and down as if preparing to throw a tantrum of epic proportions.

Ichigo stood, offering a hand to Nemu as he did so. She let the muscular teen help her from the floor and lift her to the counter. He kicked his jeans and tighty whities to the side to settle between her toned legs. She had yet to utter a word or do much of anything since that first kiss, but her vivid green eyes followed his every move.

He moved in and kissed her again, placing a hand on either side of her face. When she didn't reciprocate he pulled back and stared. She held his gaze. Her expression was not one of a woman who was dying to have sex as she had made him believe. She looked downright bored.

His eyes narrowed, but he said nothing, only dropped to his knees and began kissing the inside of her thighs. He could feel her eyes on him. Slowly he moved upwards until he could feel her warmth on his face. Reaching up, he pulled the plain white panties to the side. She was glistening…a good sign. He gave an experimental lick. This was his first time doing this, after all. He wanted to get it right.

She was sweet.

Shinji's teachings rushed to mind. He started slowly, licking up one lip, down the other, then up the middle. His tongue flicked the tiny ball of nerves that he knew was there. Memories of those disturbing lessons hovered in the back of his mind.

"_Ya should be able ta work yer tongue as good as yer fingers," Shiji said. _

"_I refuse ta let ya be one a__'__ those guys that just suck sloppily on a chick's clit, and don't have no real skill. Eatin__'__ pussy is an art."_

_Ichigo cringed. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen Hirako so passionate about anything._

"_So how will I know if I'm doing it right?" It wasn't that he wanted to know. He just…wanted to know. _

_Hirako grinned. "If she ain't tryin__'__ ta climb tha wall, yer doin__'__ somethin__'__ wrong."_

Ichigo still didn't know what he'd meant by that, but Nemu hadn't moved a muscle since he started. His tongue went in deep. He'd done everything but resort to _that_. _'Not yet,' _he told himself with renewed determination.

Reaching up he pulled the woman forward, propping her legs up on his shoulders. He stood.

Nemu started as she was suddenly lifted from her perch on the counter and into the air. Instinctively, one hand caught a handful of orange locks and the other shot toward the ceiling. A strong grip encircled her tiny waist. She felt his tongue slide inside of her again. The new position gave him the perfect angle. He went deeper than before, not by much, but it was enough to make Nemu suck in a quiet breath. His tongue sought out that elusive spot inside her again, but this time teeth grazed against her clit. Her back arched and she pushed herself into his face.

The tiny hand in his hair gave a soft pull. He smirked. This was the first reaction he'd gotten out of her since they'd started. It was small, but it was better than nothing. Extracting his tongue, he placed his glistening lips over the sensitive ball of nerves, giving a quick suck. The sudden jerk of her body threw him off balance. He stumbled forward until Nemu's back crashed into the cabinets. He sucked again and her hands threatened to push his face completely inside of her. Milky white thighs clenched his head muffling his hearing, but the quiet whimper she let out still reached his ears.

'_Find tha rhythm an__'__ keep it.'_ Hirako coached from Ichigo's mind.

He did just that, curling his tongue upwards and applying just the right amount of pressure. This time he had no trouble finding that spot inside her. He pulled out with a slurp, raking his teeth across her puckering nub. As the tongue fucking continued the grip on his hair got tighter and tighter. Dainty, controlled moans filled the air as her body began to tremble.

"Mis...Mister Slickbooty," she whimpered.

The erection-killing name almost threw off the rhythm he was trying so hard to maintain. It was all for show he supposed, but for some reason the fact that she'd been able to stay in character was a slap in the face.

And with that slap Ichigo had a new goal. Nemu would break character before the night was over. It was no longer about boobs or even about the sex. It was about his pride as a man. He continued his pace. Within minutes he brought her to a whispering orgasm. If she hadn't informed him in exactly those words he would have never even known it happened.

She wasn't even breathing hard.

Half his face was wet, his jaw was tired and still she sat like a mannequin. His brown eyes narrowed to slits. According to his captain she should have been hanging from the ceiling with her head spinning in circles exorcist-style. Clearly something was wrong.

Finally she stirred. "We should go somewhere more comfortable." There was no inflection of even the slightest bit of arousal.

"Fuck that," he blurted, easily ripping the panties off her body. Then, without a second thought he pulled her relatively neglected nub into his mouth and began sucking. Fuck skill. Shinji would have to forgive him.

"Ohh," she cleared her throat, leaning forward and glancing down at the orange head between her legs. The time for foreplay was over, or so she'd thought. He should have put her down so they could make their way to the bedroom and intercourse could begin. Apparently Mr. Slickbooty had other plans.

Her eyes searched the room, as she desperately tried to hold on to her composure. "Uhnn," she let out a breathy moan before snapping her mouth shut. Four stupefied faces stared at her from the doorway, not even bothering to hide their presence.

Ichigo was too preoccupied to notice.

It felt good…too good. A part of her wished it would never end, but that didn't stop her body from fighting the boy for the control it was very quickly losing.

In the doorway Yoruichi's violet head blurred with Nel's green.

"Uhhhn!" Nemu's eyes closed. She was getting louder, but it was obvious she was desperately trying to remain calm.

"Go ahead and scream," the boy said between slurps. "It's only us."

One of her hands left his head and flew up to claw at the cabinet at her back. She snatched one of the doors open and ripped it clean off the hinges as the scream she'd been frantically trying to hold in finally tore from her throat. The detached façade was gone. Her hands clawed at, and ultimately destroyed, anything within reach.

It was then that Ichigo realized the very real danger he was in. This was Nemu Kurotsuchi. The last thing he needed was for her to completely lose control and accidently put that hand-drill of hers through his cranium.

"Put me down," she gasped, pushing out from the cabinets, squirming to get out of the plumber's iron grip. She let her body fall back hoping to catch him off guard, but he caught her in a bear hug around the waist. Still too high up to reach the floor, she dangled helplessly. Nemu kicked and twisted, but he only sucked harder. "Ahhhhhhh!"

Her high-pitched screams were music to Ichigo's ears. Delving his tongue back into her moist hole, he abandoned her abused clit. For all her struggling, she never stopped grinding into his face.

Suddenly, tiny hands were on his waist and Nemu's back bent to an impossible angle. Apparently the flexibility she had displayed at Shiba's party the prior week was just a taste of what the sultry woman could do. Lifting her hips, she forced Ichigo to move his hands from her waist to her thighs that still squeezed his head. Before he understood what was happening, the amateur actor felt his leaking member being sucked into her warm mouth.

He drew in a sharp breath. "Shit."

She sucked him like a pacifier. His knees went week.

'_What kind of backwards, fucked up 69 is this?'_ It became a struggle to stay on his feet. He spun around abruptly, placing his back against the counter for support. There was a bang out in the hallway, but he ignored it.

Mr. Slickbooty's intense sucking proved to be too much. She could barely keep his slick member in her mouth for all her moaning. "Pwease," she panted. "Mr. Swick…uuhn. Stop."

"Don't talk with your mouth full." He grinned, wondering if the fact that he thought she sounded sexy with his dick in her mouth made him a pervert.

She squirmed again and by some miracle was finally able to jerk her body hard enough to bring the boy to his knees. His grip loosened just enough for her to slip through his fingers. She scrambled across the floor, immediately going on the defensive.

They both took the opportunity to catch their breath. A playful smile spread across Ichigo's glowing face. "So you're gonna run from me?"

If he hadn't seen it with his own eyes he wouldn't have believed it. The corner of the eternally emotionless Nemu's lips curled up in a very small smirk, her eyes twinkled. "I think we've gotten a bit sidetracked Mr. Slickbooty."

"That name really sucks by the way."

She didn't reply, but her smile widened. It was odd how such a small thing could make such a big difference.

"You should do that more often." He smirked at her obvious confusion, and then he was across the room and his lips were on hers. It happened too fast for her to react, as expected of someone trained by the Goddess of Flash. This time she allowed him to coax her lips apart with his tongue.

Nemu was not at all unfamiliar with sexual intercourse, kissing however, was a different matter. In fact, that kiss the boy had laid on her earlier had been the twelfth division lieutenant's first. It was odd feeling someone else's tongue in her mouth. Squirmy and wet…not at all like a penis.

Unsure of what to do, she went with what she knew. She sucked softly on his tongue and he moaned low into her mouth, pulling her closer. Two fingers slipped between her legs and inside her as his thumb started massaging her puckering nub. His hands were more talented than his mouth.

A familiar tingle shot up Nemu's legs. Her head fell back breaking the kiss. She was going to have another orgasm.

With one quick movement the skilled digits were replaced with a tongue. Her body convulsed, and within seconds liquid sprayed from her like a water hose almost drowning the boy. She absently heard him sputter and choke, but couldn't bring herself to be embarrassed.

Ichigo gasped as Nemu's juices squirted up his nose. He thought he heard muffled babbling, but she was squeezing his head so tight that the sound of his blood rushing from his head to his raging hard cock drowned everything else out. He'd gotten so caught up with the appetizer that he'd completely forgotten about the main course.

Still panting, but unable to wait a second longer, he stood, wiping his face with the back of his hand. His cock twitched in anticipation. He couldn't get inside of her fast enough. Not caring in the least if she had recovered fully or not, he spun her around and bent her over the counter.

"Mr…" Not so innocent green eyes gazed back at him. With a sharp tilt of his head he cracked his neck on each side and then slid into her. There was another sound out in the hall followed by what he thought were voices, but he wasn't about to investigate now. It felt too good…and she was so tight. He savored the feel of her. "Shiiiiit."

Kurotsuchi blinked. "Are you in yet?"

"Ohh Shit!" Their audience outside the door whispered in unison.

'_Huh?'_ Ichigo's face went white. Unbelieving brown eyes traveled down to where his pelvis met her ass. There was no way he could get deeper than that. He knew he wasn't hung like a horse, but he liked to think he was adequate. Did she want him to stick a leg in there? "I," he started, not really knowing what to think much less say. "I," He was too humiliated to speak. _'I have a small penis?'_ It was impossible to accept. His head fell in shame. He went to pull out. No one wanted to fuck a guy with a penis the size of a kitten's after all. A soft noise escaped the devil woman. Ichigo was reluctant to look up, but he couldn't help himself. That's when he saw them, pearly white teeth and green eyes dancing with mirth.

His eyebrows knitted together. Was she fucking with him? Her soft snicker was his answer. "That was low," he complained even as he smiled with relief.

"I'm sor…" Nemu choked on her words as Ichigo pulled out and slammed into her. He repeated the movement, pulling out slowly and drilling her. She cried out.

He leaned forward resting his chest on her back and letting his lips tickle her ear. "Am I in yet?" He didn't give her a change to answer. Once he found his rhythm he pounded her relentlessly, savoring every sound she made much more than he would have before her little joke. The cabinets rattled under the pressure of their writhing bodies. Her head snapped back as she felt one hand on the small of her back and one reaching up to wrap her braid around his fist.

"Mr. uhhng…Kuros….Slickbooty," Nemu whined breathily almost screwing up his name. How was she supposed to focus on such a trivial thing when she was having the first quality sex she'd had in ages and with Ichigo Kurosaki no less. She hoped Yoruichi and the others were enjoying the show.

His hand moved from her hair to her shoulder, pulling out her scrunchie in the process. Sweat dripped from his face to her back, tickling her as it trailed down her sides and around to her stomach.

"Ichibooty." Nemu blurted.

"Just say it!" Ichigo snapped, pounding her harder. He was about to cum.

Nemu felt his member swell inside her.

"Fuck," he growled, pulling out of her to let his seed stripe her back.

"That was underwhelming," Rangiku mumbled.

Nemu would have agreed. While they _were_ the most thrilling five minutes she'd had in quite some time, she had to admit that she had expected more. Perhaps it was unfair, but Ichigo was held to a higher standard. He had saved the world and thus should have had a cock made of gold that was as thick as her arm and hung to his knees. His semen should taste like chocolate chip cookie dough instead of sodium chloride and he should have had the stamina of an Arabian horse.

"I'm ready." The boy smirked, tossed aside the kitchen towel he'd used to wipe himself off with, and leaned in. Gently he was pushed away.

"I don't understand."

"Round two. I was just getting warmed up." He grinned and moved in again, this time there was no resistance. He covered Nemu's mouth with his own. He was rock hard again.

Nemu had heard about teenage boys and their sometimes freakish stamina. _'How nice.'_

The kissing couple stumbled towards the door, snapping the gawking women out of their trance.

"Shit," Yoruichi hissed. "Go. Go. Go." She gave her lieutenant a shove.

They stampeded down the hall, trampling the still drooling blonde in the process. When they reached the bedroom it was to find Kukaku just dropping through the window, dusting herself off. She looked up at their entry.

"Sorry, Ayasegawa kept me over. Did I miss much?"

"HIDE!" Matsumoto hissed.

"Shit. Shit. Shit," the werecat repeated. If they fucked this up for Nemu, she was going to kill them. Yoruichi didn't doubt it for a minute.

Once back inside the bedroom, she pushed record on the camera and reclaimed her place in the closet. Rangiku deposited herself under the bed and Nel hopped into her chest, closely followed by Shiba.

"You can't fit in here." The arrancar pushed the bandaged woman onto the floor.

The voices in the hall were getting closer. Shiba looked around panicked. Maybe she could pass for a human skin rug.

"Kaku!" Yoruichi said as loud as she dared, giving her friend a severe look.

The exposed woman jumped to her feet. She eyed the bed.

"Don't even think about it." Matsumoto's eyes narrowed.

The pair, who continued to suck face slammed into the door. Kukaku ran around stupidly, jumping in the corner by the window, lifting her arm and opening her mouth a split second before they finally entered.

Overly aggressive and violent nature aside, Kukaku was usually pretty smart, or so the Shihoin leader thought. It was rare that her friend ever did something blatantly stupid. Now though, as she watched her friend mimic what she assumed was a stuffed bear through the louvered closet door, she couldn't help but think that perhaps the years of experimenting with explosives had left the one-armed woman with some brain damage.

Finally able to tear their lips apart, the smooching youngsters entered the room, making a beeline for the bed. Nemu spotted the idiot in the corner first and when her partner froze she knew he'd seen it too.

"What the fuck?" He pulled his hand from its place on the small of the woman's back. "Is…"

"Recently I've been experimenting with taxidermy." Lieutenant Kurotsuchi cut the boy off, knowing there was no way he'd buy such an obvious lie.

"Wow! Wait…" His eyes widened and Nemu knew she'd been found out. "YOU KILLED HER?"

She sighed, half in relief and half in exasperation. "That is another variation of the gigai. I assure you that no harm has come to the real Lady Shiba…yet." Green eyes narrowed.

The boy breathed a sigh of relief. "Soooo…you stuffed a gigai?"

It was so absurd Nemu had to fight not to roll her eyes. "Sure."

"It looks so realistic," he took a step towards the motionless woman in the corner. Nemu reached for his arm. "Why is her mouth open?" he questioned, turning back to the naked beauty.

"I don't know," she answered blandly.

He chuckled. "It's like a human bear."

"Indeed." She cleared her throat with a dry cough before catching the boy's wrist and pulling him to the bed. The last thing she needed was him poking and prodding at Shiba's face. With one final glance over his shoulder he turned, giving Nemu a quick peck on the lips before pushing her onto the bed and dipping his head between her legs…again.

'_That boy sure likes to eat,'_ Yoruichi mused as she watched Nemu practice her backstroke and Ichigo steadily pull her back. He was getting better. That much was clear.

Kukaku checked the clock hanging from the wall. _'Are they gonna do it or what?'_ As eager as she'd been to see Ichigo get it on, her current predicament made it almost impossible to enjoy. The five minute disaster in the kitchen had been erased from her brain like a traumatic childhood experience, she refused to believe that they had risked their lives for five minutes of bull shit.

Her jaw was starting to ache and if Ichigo didn't hurry it up her shirt would soon be dripping with her spit. _'What a stupid ass idea.'_

Rangiku's blonde head poked out from under the bed with a bored expression just as the obviously famished Ichigo put Nemu in a position that looked more like a submission hold than anything else. She wouldn't be running anymore. Kukaku laughed inwardly. Shinji had done the same thing to her.

Though Kurotsuchi's monotone screams filled the room, their audience was quickly losing interest. Nel's hazel eyes peered out from the crack she'd made with the lid. She watched Ichigo's tanned ass clench and the fuzzy pendulum between his legs swing hypnotically each time he moved.

"I'm bored." A hand shot up and grabbed the edge of the trunk scaring Nel half senseless. Matsumoto's face appeared, blocking her friend's view.

"Move." The arrancar's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"He's gonna suck her dry," Ran complained.

"I can't SEE!" Nel leapt from her crouched position, planting her hand on Rangiku's head and smashing it to the floor. The blonde's loud yelp thankfully fell on deaf ears. Nemu was screaming to Mr. Slichigo, whoever that was, that she was going to have another orgasm. In turn the boy demanded that she call him his real name. Seconds later Ichigo was drowning again. He still didn't stop.

"Please. PLEASE!" Nemu begged. "Just put it in."

"Yes! Please!" came a voice from the closet.

Ichigo's head snapped around.

Acting fast, Nemu grabbed his face and pulled it to meet hers before he could think too hard about the voice he'd heard and who the owner might be.

"Fuck me, Ichigo." She said in a dry, but lusty voice, finally giving him what he'd been begging for.

"Thank you!" Ran military crawled back to her spot under the bed, situating herself in front of the mirror.

Kukaku finally closed her mouth. At this point she couldn't give a fuck if Ichigo noticed. She should have been the last thing on his mind anyway.

Ichigo hovered above the panting beauty, an arm on each side of her head. A lump formed in his throat as big green eyes moved from his face and down to his bobbing member. He knew it was a little late to be nervous, but that didn't stop his heart from almost jumping out his chest when a pair of milky legs wrapped around his waist. He allowed her to pull him to her. His cock pressed against her moist lips before slipping up into the small bed of curls.

She was almost too wet,

He tried again, slower. The tip of his dick glistened with her juices or more likely his saliva. Her lips parted for him, hugging the head of his dick. He closed his eyes, giving a little thrust to fully sheathe himself inside of her.

It slipped again, but this time down. Toward the entrance with the _Do Not Enter_ sign hanging on the door. His eyes shot open, fully aware of what was about to happen, but unable to stop it from happening. "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!" he yelped as he slipped between her cheeks past the tight ring of muscle and inside of her ass.

'_Make sure that the hole you're entering is the hole you're supposed to be in.'_ Ichigo could practically hear Urahara's voice. How could he have fucked up so royally?

The verbal or physical assault he expected however didn't come. His hysterical outburst must have been mistaken for a pleasured cry. Nemu squirmed wantonly beneath him her lips slightly parted and a light flush on her cheeks.

'_She likes it?'_ Ichigo gaped. It couldn't be possible for one woman to swallow _and_ take it in the ass. _'Maybe a porn star?' _Girls like that just didn't exist. But Nemu was a robot, maybe she'd been programmed that way.

Mayuri was a genius after all.

Her legs pulled him deeper causing a low groan to rumble his chest.

"Move," she commanded, wiggling her butt against him.

The first few pumps were torture. The little freak was so tight Ichigo prayed he'd last longer than the first time. Each time she pushed to meet him as if urging him to go harder…faster. He couldn't allow her to control the pace. Cumming quick once could be overlooked, but twice in a row would be unacceptable. If word got out he would be forced to live out his life with a dark cloud of sexual incompetence hovering above his bright orange head.

He threw her legs up on his shoulders taking her control. It didn't help a lot, but it was enough. Before he knew it ten minutes had passed. He was in the clear.

-o0o-

Seven fucking hours.

Any doubts that Shiba or the others had about Ichigo's sexual competence had long been laid to rest. Her legs were numb and her feet throbbed. The record light on the camera had gone off an hour ago. Nel's soft snores had started merging with the raucous couple's cries around position number five. Rangiku's had joined in around eight, letting the stuffed woman know their friend hadn't been flattened.

His skill was average…nothing to write home about, but definitely not bad. His stamina, on the other hand, was a thing of legend.

Each time he came he was hard again within minutes, which was perfect for Nemu's obviously robotic vagina, mouth and ass. Having run out of alternatives, Kukaku half expected the boy to put it in her ear next. Thankfully, they seemed to finally be finished.

"Shit!" Ichigo gasped as he playfully dumped Nemu from his lap. She toppled onto the mangled heap of blankets with a loud sigh. Her black bangs lay plastered to her forehead and both their bodies shone with sweat.

"I need some water," he announced.

Kukaku didn't doubt it. They should have looked like squirming raisins at this point.

The momentary silence that followed was interrupted by the soft, oddly synchronized snores of Nel and Rangiku.

Ichigo propped up on his elbows. "Did you hear that?"

Kurotsuchi practically jumped to her feet, her back ramrod straight. "No." She moved toward the door. "I'm thirsty." She left the room and he followed her like a dog in heat, too preoccupied with her naked ass and his hardening cock to give the snores a second thought.

As soon as the boy was out of sight, Kukaku dropped to the floor. "What the fuck?"

The closet door opened slowly. Yoruichi's brown face poked out cautiously. "Is it over?" It was almost too good to be true. If she never saw Ichigo's eternally hard penis again in her life it would be fine with her. "The camera died I think." She shook her head in disbelief.

She gazed down the hall towards the kitchen and listened. Silence. "Let's get the fuck out of here before those damn rabbits come back."

As if on cue the pair's voices were coming down the hall. "I'm tired." Nemu was saying.

"Already?" He had the nerve to sound shocked. "Come on. One more time."

"Okay."

She didn't even put up a fight. Yoruichi's eyes widened. She dashed for the window, snatching her fallen friend on the way out, and leaving the other two to fend for themselves. Moments later saw her zipping down the lanes of the Seireitei with Kukaku Shiba in tow.

"Well, at least we got out be…"

"Thank you for rescuing us from that hollow, Masked Avenger," a woman's voice reached her ears.

Huh?

"Think nothing of it, citizen."

Yoruichi slid past an adjoining street allowing her to catch a brief glimpse of a masked man. Her eyes narrowed. That voice, the glorious raven locs. She could almost smell the man's pride from where she stood.

Kukaku peeked over her friends shoulder. "Is that…"

"Shhhh."

The mystery man bowed to a young woman and child. He then wrapped his cape around him, leapt into the air to briefly silhouette against the moon, and disappeared in a blur of shunpo.

"That's it," Yoruichi decided. "I quit."

Shiba chuckled, already craving a drink. "Quit what?"

"Life."

-0-

**Tatsuki has arrived. So many of you requested her I just had to. Let's think of it as my apology for taking so G D long. **

**First of all, this chapter, for whatever reading was the hardest so far. I just couldn't get it together. It probably wouldn't have even been readable without the help of my super Beta Tomas the Betrayer. He's a miracle worker let me just tell you. **

**Big thanks to my other beta Mishiko Shinsei…you're the best. **

**Well until next time…. **


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